my boyfriend keeps asking me when i'll update my livejournal.
so - couple things:
i can't believe i'm getting the best grades ever since 6th grade. and i think to make my life just a little more believable, i've decided to sabotage it. i couldn't actually live in a clean room, or live up to my potential - that's not actually allowed... i need to get out of here. and i keep thinking of where i could go to allieviate this suffocating feeling (metaphorically and literally - my room smells like stale breath.) every place i can think of is just places i've been a hundred times. i have no sanctuary where i can hide. but that's not really awful b/c i don't want to hide. almost the opposite. i would like to see the top of the empire state building - i think. someplace tall, but with a view. someplace wher ei could feel the wind and see the ground and feel removed. which is odd for me b/c sometimes i feel like i'm in an out of body experience and i'm watching my life go by beneath me. but not now - now i feel entrenched in a life that otherslook at and expect me to either overcome it, or fail. at least the people who expect me to fail think i'll be cute at it. im not even really caring abotu that right now so much as i will neither overcome it nor will i fail at life. it just is. and i jsut am. i am here, wher ei always have been. doing what i always have done. with teh same goddam friends in the same goddam town and the same goddam standard days. i kinda feel like the presidential race of 1996 - candidates that were so extremely different that no one could tell them apart... ha - i referenced something political. and i probably got it wrong too.
Mother of Earth i want out of here. i just want some perspective. stupid sociology class... making me look at my life as if it were mundane and standard and a tool of the dominant majority. i can't wait to get to florida. i never thought i'd feel that way. yeah i miss my family, but that's not it. it's not even my pookie-cat. it'll just be something different. but like i said, i've been thinking of all the places i could go, and even florida wont be enough. b/c i'll still be me. me in my own body and own mind and nothing different and no change ever. how is it possible that i'm happier than i have been in a long time if i don't feel any different otherwise? how can i be happy about moving forward while still dreading letting go of my past. how can i so desperately cling to a past that brought me such pain and can't do anything but weigh me down? kinda like being too tired to sleep. i'm too dumb to be smart, and too intelligent to let myself to do anythign really stupid. i fear God too much to walk away from that again, and i fear reality too much to leave the comfort of the Father.
Seriously ppl - perspective please. for those of you smart enough to highlight this and be able to read it - woot. i like tim, i really do. and like i said, i'm happier than i have been in a long time. and everybody keeps saying i'm nuts for thinking about getting married - i'm too young. EXCUSE ME but i don't like not knowing my future. how the hell can you NOT think about where you're going? in a goddam 4 YEAR RELATIONSHIP. are you nuts!! yeah, i'm the weird one here. can't help it - i like him, but i don't know if i'll ever love him. i hope i do. i hope one day i wake up and just decide i can't live without him, that would make my life easy. but my life is never easy, is it. why the fuck can't i get him out of my fuckign head. why can't i stop checking his website to see where he's been. is it really just the goodbye? am i really so pathetic that i can't just walk away without a goodbye? tim almost made me cry thinking about how i wont' see him in heaven. when did i stop praying for that? used to be almost every night. have i given up on him? if i've given up on him, why can 't i give up on "us". why do my little made up stories in my head always consist of him converting and asking for me back somehow? doenst' really matter since they all end with me either turning him away or me just sobbing with indecision. is it bad that i want to share this with anybody except my boyfriend? seriously though, i suck at being a girlfriend. i keep making a big deal about his age - which drives him nuts, but i feel so insignificant to everybody that i dont' already know. i do know ppl my age at church - adn the 6 months between me and them make me feel like a baby. how can i not be scared of 6 years? i know that he doesn't care - i just dont' believe it. one day he's going ot wake up and realize that not only is he dating an overdramatic psychopath, but also, she is just a silly child who can't figure out what she wants in life. how is it i can feel more mature than ppl and so belittled by them at the same time.
out out out!! i want to get out - somewhere high - why do i have to live in a fucking prarie.
ha. i bet most of you have never heard me swear much less put it in writing. i know i'll pull myself back up - i thrive on the pressure. but i have successfully put off 2 papers in different classes that will both be late now. i have also successfully distracted my bf enough to make him fail his class too. well good for me. doesn't everyone want to date me now? i'll succeed in screwing up both our lives. that's just bloody brilliant of me.
and now the disclaimer - i'm just a girl who can't sleep b/c it's too warm in this room and my goddam cramps are making me crabby.
i think Nicole will understand. i'm not really upset abotu anything - and freaking miserable at the same time. don't worry about me, don't read too much into any of this, hell, try not to take anything at face value either.
tomorrow i will be singing, and seeing mallory. i will be ok until class. wed i am seeing 2 shows, and might be having dinner with ppl (really, i can fit it in!! it'll be a nice challenge for me - don't count out that night on my account) thursday i am having ice cream with my 12 yr olds - if any of them show up. friday is genna's birthday dinner. saturday i'm sure i'm doign somethign that i forgot about. sunday i'm going to visit a new church. and then it'll be monday again. dammit.
get me out of here.