Eridanos - Entry 02 - Ripp
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Warning: Language.
Disclaimer: All spelling, grammar and strikeout errors belong to the character writing the entry. Ripp is King of run-on sentances...
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FRAMMIT! I don’t know what to write about, I don’t know what to write about, I don’t know what to write about! I hafta keep a journal! What a stupid assignment!! I never know how to handle this kind of thing. Nothing interesting ever happens in my life to write about anyway. Besides, I suck royally at writing. So screw it!
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Right, so, we turned in our journals the first week, and while we were taking a quiz Mr. Ambrose looked over them all. And then it came time for break and he asked me to stay so that he could speak to me. That’s never a good thing! We were supposed to have five pages done, and I only had one paragraph, so I knew exactly why he wanted to talk. Augh. Why me? I’m sure I wasn’t the only kid in class that didn’t fill five pages!
Sure enough, he asked me why I hadn’t written more. I told him that I was a atrot atroshis horrible writer, and he told me that it wasn’t true cuz he knows cuz he corrects my assignments all the time and he thinks I write fine, but I didn’t believe that cuz I know my writing sucks, so then I told him that I didn’t know what to write about anyway. And that’s true, cuz I don’t! Nothing worth writing about ever happens to me, so what’s the point? Mr. Ambrose says that this is supposed to be an exercise in self-examination. That’s great, ‘cept I already know what happens in my life, it’s the same fnarging thing every day! I don’t need to fill up a journal with day after day of this crap:
Today I got up and got yelled at like usual, then I went to school and got ignored, and then I came home and was bored and got yelled at again, and finally I went to bed.
See?! What’s the point in that?
So, Mr. Ambrose said that to start with, I should try writing about myself and who I am, not necessarily what I do. I didn’t see how those are two different things, aren’t I what I do? That’s how the Old Man sees it, I’ll bet. Well, I don’t do nothing, so again I got nothing to write about! Then Mr. Ambrose said I should try writing about the people in my life and he promised the words would come once I started thinking about it.
Fine, fine, fine, fine! Here goes, Mr. Ambrose.
I’m Ripp Grunt. I hate life. And seems like life hates me right back. Augh. Sometimes just living seems like too much work.
I used to live in this weird little place called Strangetown, and it was exactly that, but I liked it well enough cuz it wasn’t so bad and I had a good friend there who was named Johnny Smith. But my dad Old Man is in the military and so when he got a commission someplace else, we had to pack up and move and even though I still email Johnny, it’s really not the same, cuz he was close to his adult transition when I left, and now he is an adult and is all into his stupid girlfriend and making plans to get married and whatever and I just don’t feel like we have very much in common anymore. I miss him a lot though. He was so cool, and I felt kinda like I was cool too when we hung out, even though no one really paid much attention to me, cuz they were all so into him.
Anyway, we moved here to Eridanos, which is much bigger than Strangetown, but I don’t really like it very much. Doesn’t matter cuz like most things, I ain’t got no choice about it. I’m here with my family, which is the Old Man, my older brother and my younger brother. I used to have a mother, but she left not too long after my younger brother had his toddler transition, after a huge argument with the Old Man. She just called a fnarging taxi and left! That makes me hurt all over on the inside, cuz I was still a kid at the time and I guess I always thought that she would come back for me and Buck at least, but she never did, we never heard from her again. For a long time, the Old Man used to stomp around the house yelling things like “Good riddance!!” at the top of his lungs, but he doesn’t do that anymore since we moved.
My older brother is Tank. And he is. He’s like the Old Man, cuz he’s all into being in the military and plans to go on to be a solider and all that. He’s still a teenager, but he’s in an after-school military program, and even though that takes up a lot of his time, he still manages to get good grades. He’s all-around perfect and serious. Always so fnarging serious! Glah.
In fact, cuz Tank’s all into that military stuff and is so damn determined about it, he’s the Old Man’s favorite. He always was, ever since we was little kids. I don’t know if that’s cuz he really likes it, or if it’s cuz the Old Man screamed at him about it so much that he had no choice. He screamed at me too, but I guess it didn’t stick as well.
Anyway, they’re always in training, no matter what! Everything is looked at as a big combat situation with them, and I think that includes dealing with real life sometimes too. Seems to the Old Man that there ain’t no problem so tough that it can’t be shouted at. He even wears his uniform all the time when he’s at home instead of relaxing like a real person, or like what I assume a real person would do. On the weekends, him and Tank spend all their time honing their skills, and I only gotta look at the Old Man to see how proud he is that he’s got a great super awesome son like Tank.
Even though Tank is perfect and does great at anything he tries, the Old Man still hounds him constantly to do better. He’s always riding Tank’s ass about everything, even to the point of lecturing him about his homework - while he’s trying to do it! The Old Man never helps me with my homework, or even asks if I’ve finished it or not, but it only makes sense that he would put his energies toward the son that’s got the chance of making something of himself, don’t it? ‘Sides, I don’t need him yelling at me or riding my ass any more than he already does. Tank’s welcome to the attention.
Tank and I share our bedroom, but we hardly ever talk. That only makes sense too. He’s the flipping favorite. Why should he waste his time with me, the loser? Loooooooser!
He gets along pretty good with our younger brother, though. So does the Old Man, when he bothers to notice Buck at all, probably cuz they figure there’s still a chance that he won’t crap out on them like I did. Tank and Buck like to have breakfast together before it’s time for school, and Tank is always talking military stuff with him, like he’s trying and trying to get Buck interested. Or maybe he’s just brainwashing him. “Aren’t rockets and missiles great, Buckie? Yep! Rockets and missiles are really great! Wouldn’t you like shoot missiles at other people someday, Buckie?” Frammit, give it a rest, Tank!
Buck probably will go into the military, though, cuz it seems like he’s pretty gullible agreeable about it, but he’s also really into fish and sailing and that kind of stuff and is always talking about how someday he wants to live on a boat, even though he’s never been around much water in his life, and he’s got his room decorated with lots of boats and things like that. So, I’m kinda looking forward to the time when he gives the Old Man a heart attack by joining the Navy instead of the Army. Ah… that will be a riot!
Our house is always noisy. I can’t stand noise, but my opinion don’t really matter. Buck runs around and yells and the Old Man was obviously never taught what “inside voice means’, cuz he’s always shouting, and usually he’s shouting at me. This is cuz I am the Failure Son. I don’t wanna go into the military like Tank, and I told the Old Man that when I was still a little kid, and he got really angry about it, I still remember how huge he was and how scared I was. And maybe that’s part of why Mom left, cuz I also remember her having fights with the Old Man about how much he was pushing us kids, but especially me and making me feel bad. I dunno if that’s why she left or not, but I think that the Old Man and Tank probably both think that’s why, and so that makes it all my fault. Which figures.
But no matter how much he yells about it, I still don’t wanna go into the military, cuz I just don’t like the thought of learning how to hurt or even kill other Sims. It makes the Old Man furius shake with rage and shout “Damned pacifist!” at me (like it’s an insult) whenever I say something like that, but it’s the truth! He loomed angrily over me enough when I was a little kid that now I don’t even like it when people get close or are talking like they’re mad., it just makes me wanna cringe and hide under the bed like I used to sometimes, I hate the noise! It grates and hurts my soul. Cringing all the time makes me tired and heavy. And then that just brings the Old Man around to yell at me again cuz I’m being lazy.
I think that eventually the fnarging Old Man would calm down if I had some other idea of what I wanted to do, but I don’t. I’m just a teenager! The only thing I’ve ever known is just the military being shoved down my throat, I don’t even know what other options I have yet, how am I suppose to know what I wanna do with my life, and besides, I don’t think I’m really ready to decide even if I did know what else there was, and that makes the Old Man just as mad as me not going into the military. We argue about this on a regular basis. Regular, as in several times a damn day!
Well, it’s actually not really arguing, it’s more him yelling and me standing there and taking it. It really makes me hurt when he does that, cuz it’s like I can feel all his anger just smacking me in the face, going through my skin like needles and settling into the pit of my stomach to fester. Every morning, I wake up nawsis nausich sick and dreading going downstairs, cuz I just know that he’s gonna start in on me as soon as he lays eyes on me. And it’s always the same thing:
Him: If you’re not gonna try out for the after-school training - like Tank - (he’s always gotta throw that at me), then why don’t you look for a job in the paper today?
Me: I can’t, I’m behind on my school work, so they won’t let me.
Him: What is wrong with you? Why can’t you keep up with things? If you didn’t slack off so much, you wouldn’t have this problem! You need to learn some discipline!
Discipline, discipline, it’s always discipline! Well, fuck discipline! Maybe if he would fnarging help me out with my homework now and then - like a normal dad - I wouldn’t get so far behind! Frammit!
So anyway, Ripp = Failure Son. And that’s just the way it is.
When we lived in Strangetown, I had a job at the local gas station, and I liked it cuz it got me out of the house, but I was different back then than I am now. I didn’t feel so heavy and depressed all the damn time, just for starters! I used to look forward to going to school cuz that also got me out of the house and away from the Old Man for awhile, and cuz I knew I could hang around with Johnny, and that seemed to make me feel better, cuz Johnny was so great. But now I don’t like going to school, cuz I don’t have Johnny and no one likes me very much and I hate sitting all by myself while other people are talking and having fun and stuff.
I don’t know why no one likes me, it’s not like I didn’t try to make friends, cuz I’m not shy or anything! But I think part of it is that everyone here pretty much grew up with each other and have known each other since they were little kids, so when I moved here last year, I was an outsider and no one wanted to let me join any of their stupid little groups. Like I would wanna! It’s not worth my effort. So, almost everyone ignores me, and every day at school hurts almost as much as being yelled at at home. In fact, it’s just fnarging like being yelled at, cuz it stings just as much, except it’s silent instead of noisy.
Okay, not everyone ignores me. I got a couple friends. And there is a group of kids there that seek me out to percycute persi pick on me and the frustrating thing is that I don’t even know why! I never did anything to any of them, so what is it - do I just seem like I’m a fnarging target or what? I’m thinking that having Johnny as a friend must have really protected me back at my old school, cuz shit like this never happened there. Well, sometimes it did, but not when Johnny was around. Going to school now is no kind of escape from home anymore. It’s just another constant reminder of how much I suck, how big of a loser I am.
I know I could fight back, or at least stand up to them, Johnny used to tell me all the time that I needed to have more of a backbone, but it’s not that I’m scared of them, that’s not it at all! Not at all, not at all! I just don’t wanna be rough like that, I don’t wanna be agrass aggressive, cuz that would make me just like the Old Man, with all his shouting and bullying and warmongering, and I don’t sure as hell don’t wanna be like that! I just wanna be who I am, even though I really don’t know who I am, but I’m never gonna get the chance to figure it out if everyone is always shouting and screaming at me! Augh! And, I don’t wanna make matters worse, I just wanna have a quiet life, I don’t wanna hurt like this, I just wanna be.
Why can’t they all just let me be?!?!
When I get home from school, I know that I’m usually just in for more yelling and lectures, so I feel sick leaving school too. Augh, I always feel sick! And sometimes I feel like I’m gonna come apart, sometimes I feel so lonely it makes me wanna cry, sometimes I get angry inside and it’s like I’m being burned up, but no matter what I feel, I don’t like to let any of that show to any one else, cuz they would all just take advantage of it. All of them! The bullies at school would see it as a weakness, and so would the Old Man. He’d called it simpering, or something like that.
So I got this attitude that I pull out, like I don’t really care what he’s saying, and I try to tune his voice out and just step away from myself and watch from a distance, and I think: Whatever, Old Man, I can’t hear you screaming, all I see is your face all crunched up weird and you waving your finger around, and boy is it ever funny to watch!
Well, that’s what I try to do. But no matter how hard I try, it still gets to me before he’s finished, cuz I guess I really am a grade A wuss, just like the guys at school say. I can’t help it that I’m so different from Tank, I can’t help it that I don’t believe in the military philosopie attitude, I can’t help it that I’m such a disappointment, I’m can’t help it that I don’t know who I am when I was never given the chance to be myself, and it really tears me up that the Old Man can’t fnarging accept that I’m still don’t know what I want, and is so driven to try and change me into someone as serious and soulless as Tank. Augh! It makes me so angry sometimes!!!!! Sad too, sad as hell, but I don’t wanna show any of that to the Old Man.
When it gets to that point, I gotta get out and away, I gotta get to someplace where I don’t feel sick all the time, someplace where there ain’t no one yelling at me or judging me or ignoring me or bullying me, someplace where I can feel not so heavy for a little while. Someplace where I don’t feel like I’m gonna either whither into a frightened quivering mass, or explode into a homicidal maniac at any damn minute. I walk out on the Old Man, sometimes when he’s still shouting! Hee! It’s not easy to do, and I guess it’s technically a retreat, but I try to look at it like an act of defiance, even if it is a teeny small wussy one.
I found a place to go not too long after we moved and I was out walking cuz I needed to get out of the damned house. I guess it’s a tibu tribun tribu little stream that branches off the big river that runs through the town, all I know is that it’s out in the woods and there’s never anyone else there even though I can tell people have been there before cuz there’s an old campfire and some trash there, but that’s okay, I never seen anyone there. And I like that just fine, cuz it makes it seem like it’s all my place and only my place.
Frammit, it’s not like I wanna be a loner or by myself all the time, but I don’t feel like I got much of a choice usually, cuz everyone else is always yelling at me, or disappointed in me, so is it any wonder I wanna get away from everyone, even if it makes me lonely? Anyway, when I go down there to the river and am by myself, then I feel like I can let my emotions out cuz there is no one there to see them and take advantage of them. I let out the hurt that I feel everyday when the Old Man shouts at me, or when he helps Tank with his homework but not me, or when he plays with Buck like he never played with me. I let out the hurt of being lonely and ignored and confused about how I feel sometimes around certain people, and the hurt that’s deep inside knowing my Mom never came back for us kids.
And I can let out the anger that I feel when the kids at school pick on me, and the anger from how unfair it is that the Old Man won’t let me discover who I really am and how he yells at me all the time, and the anger that’s down there with the hurt that has Mom’s name on it. Hurt. Hurt. Hurt. Like a big rock always stuck in my heart making it difficult to keep beating.
Most nights I stay there until late, cuz no one at home misses me anyway, and by then I’ve let out all the bad things, and I can enjoy looking at the stars.
Ahhhh! I love stars, they are so beautiful, so bright and colorful, and I remember that Johnny and I would sometimes hang out in his yard and look up at the stars when they came out, and I remember how I would feel being close to him like that and feeling like I was loved accepted even if I wasn’t perfect, and that always made me feel so much better, so now I know I’m trying to recapture that feeling. He loved the stars too, cuz he was half alien and he always said he wanted to be an astra astronaut and go to space someday and maybe meet his relatives, and I would tell him that he could go and I’d stick around on the ground and watch the light from his space ship move through the sky and think about him while he was up there, but he would laugh and say that I had to go with him! It felt so good talking about stupid stuff like that together.
But now, damn it all, Johnny isn’t with me, so it doesn’t feel quite the same. Johnny was so… I dunno how to say it… he had a presence that was kinda everywhere all at once, and I couldn’t help but be happy when we was hanging out. It feels like there’s something missing inside me now, a huge torn spot where he used to be. I can’t believe how much I miss him sometimes. But at least the stars are still there way up above me. They won’t never go away, and so maybe I can think of them as friends, and they don’t judge me either, so they are safe to enjoy. And talk to. They listen, and they wait for me to discover who I am, and I know that once I do, they will still love me no matter what. They will never leave and I will never hafta leave them.
While I’m out there, I think a lot about things. Things like life and what it all means and stuff and even sometimes about what might happen after we die (how stupid, huh?). Pretty heavy, but I like thinking about it (even if it is stupid), and that’s probably one of the reasons I am the way I am, cuz of thinking like that and not being able to settle on what’s what or what I wanna do. I try to sort out why everyone acts the way they act, I try to figure out why Mom left, why some kids pick on other kids so much, and even though I know I really don’t understand any of those things, I feel calm when I’m out there thinking, unlike when I’m around others and all I can feel is hurt or lonely or angry or confused. It’s the quiet, I think. It’s always too damn noisy at home to think about anything.
Usually when I leave the river beach, it’s pretty late, but I no longer feel sick inside, I’m settled, and I feel like I’m okay to face tomorrow. I try to leave all the bad feelings there, where only the stars know they exist.
Well, that’s pretty much me and my life in a fnarging nutshell. See, it’s all boring and stupid! But, whatever. I hope that’ll fill enough pages to satisfy Mr. Ambrose this week.
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Actually, I do have a couple friends here in Eridanos, but I forgot to write about them the last time, and I probably wouldn’t have even if I had remembered, cuz my hand hurt from writing so fnarging much! Augh! Ouch ouch ouch! But anyway, I guess I will write about them now. The first is Kiley McKormick.
I met her during school awhile after we moved here, when I got paired up for playing darts in gym with her. She was also in my Simlish class, and she seemed really nice! At least she didn’t complain about being paired with me, like some of the kids do. Even when she discovered that I couldn’t play darts very well, even though we got a dart board at home.
Anyway, we lost that first time, but Kiley just laughed it off and said that’s the way it goes sometimes.
I figured she was just being nice and all, so I wasn’t excep expecting (frammit, I can’t spell! I haaaaate writing!) that she’d wanna talk to me anymore once gym class was over with, but she actually did! She turned out to be a total chatterbox and I can’t hardly ever get a word in edgewise with her, but that’s okay, I really don’t mind. I’m not sure why she decided to be friends with me, but it was a fnarging nice change from everyone ignoring the loser all the time. That first day when we was paired in gym, she met me after school and we walked home together across the bridge, cuz she lives right across the damn street from me! We’d been here for awhile at that point and I never even knew she lived there!
She’s really a sweet kid, and I like her. Not like that, though! Besides, ever since I met her, she’s been all into this other kid in our class named Christian. Her wants are totally always spinning for him! Hee hee! She sits with him at lunch and chatters and tries to get him to like her, even though I don’t think he really does, not the way she likes him, I think he’s just humoring her, but she doesn’t seem to notice that, she just keeps talking and talking and talking.
After awhile I saw that Kiley’s not very popular at school. I think that most of the other kids think Kiley is a little weird cuz she’s kinda spacey and she loves bugs and spiders and likes to talk about them a lot. In fact, that’s practically all she talked about when she and I were walking home! I don’t think it’s so strange for someone to talk about what they love, it just shows they got a passion for something and besides, I seen a lot stranger things when I lived in Strangetown, that’s for sure! Like sometimes I hear the kids whispering about Mr. Ambrose and trying to figure out where he came from, but that’s nothing, I used to be best friends with a half-alien (Johnny!) and I knew his dad who was a retired polenation pollination tecnishun technician (spelling = augh!), and I knew guys that got pregnant and had alien babies! I could tell them all about it, but no one really wants to listen. Especially not to the loser.
Anyway cuz Kiley’s trying to get bolts with Christian, I still don’t got no one to sit with at lunchtime, but it’s kinda okay, cuz I at least got someone to walk home with sometimes (she’s in choir, so she stays after school a lot of times) and that makes things seem not so bad, and Kiley’s so bright and cheerful all the time that I can’t help feeling almost good for the couple minutes between when I drop her off at her house and when I walk into mine. Not the same as I always felt with Johnny, but I’ll take what I can get.
When I first met Kiley and was getting to know her, though, something kinda weird and upsetting happened, and I’m sorry, but it kinda made me feel skittish about being her friend.
I had told Kiley that she could come over and visit if she wanted to, but I didn’t think she actually would (cuz why would anyone want to visit me?) until one Saturday she showed up at my front door! Frammit! I wasn’t sure what to do, so I asked her what she wanted to do and she said she’d just come over to hang out, so we went upstairs to my room cuz the Old Man and Tank were running drills in the side yard and doing a lot of yelling, which meant it was quieter upstairs than downstairs. The first thing Kiley did was scold me for how messy the room was and she just up and made my bed like she lived there and was my mom or my sister or something!
I thought that was kinda weird (and a little annoying, cuz I don’t really need another person gripping griping at me about my habits!) and I told her so, and she told me that she had to do it, cuz I was messy and she didn’t wanna hang around in a messy room, but she didn’t say it like she was mad or being mean or anything, she said it the way I guess a mom might say it if she was teasing. It didn’t feel bad like I figure it would have otherwise. She said it with a smile, so it made me smile too.
So then we relaxed and hung around together for a long time, just talking about this or that, and I was surprised cuz it was really nice spending time with her like that. Mostly we talked about gossip at school, so I found out about who was going with who and who had bolts for who and all the dirt on everyone, which I didn’t think was very interesting but I supposed it was good information to have just in case, and besides it didn’t really matter to me what we was talking about, as long as I actually had someone to hang around with that wasn’t screaming at me. And of course, I found out all about who Kiley liked (Christian!) and didn’t (all the other guys!), and who she was friends with too.
I was kinda sorry when she had to leave, but she told me that she’d had fun talking to me and getting to know me better. I’m not so sure how she managed that, cuz I don’t think I really said very much about myself, mostly all I did was listen to her and offer my opinion on all her gossip. But I had fun too, and so I told her that she could come around anytime she liked to talk if she wanted to, and she joked that we should use the dartboard downstairs to practice our game so that we could win in gym class next time and then I felt pretty good, cuz that meant she actually wanted to get saddled partnered with me again!
So, all that week, Kiley was coming over to talk and tell me all about her woes trying to get Christian to like her, and we actually did do some dart practice. It was a little weird and uncomfortable cuz sometimes the Old Man would watch us and the first time I was just flipping cringing cuz I was expecting him to shout orders at us while we played, but he didn’t. I almost got the feeling that he liked Kiley, or at least he doesn’t disapprove of her coming over, and I guess that’s probably the best I could hope for.
Still… seriously, how creepy is it that my Old Man was watching me hanging out with a friend? Augh. I really wish I had a different normal family.
Anyway, then came the upsetting evening. Kiley was over and we was watching TV and making fun of the stupid commercials. Tank had even come out to join us for a few minutes, but he didn’t join in the talking, which is no big surprise since he’s not into having fun or anything fnarging human like that.
He didn’t stick around for very long, which was good cuz I sure as hell felt pretty uncomfortable with him sitting around seriousing up the place. When he left Kiley said that she thought he seemed nice and that he was really cute. Dhwha?! Tank cute? Was she fnarging kidding?!
Anyway, Tank wasn’t the bad thing, not this time anyway. We were still sitting there and all of the sudden there was this fricking loud pounding on the front door. Frammit! Scared the hell out of both of us! The Old Man was on his way down the stairs right then, so he answered, which was probably a good thing as it turns out, cuz it was Kiley’s dad and boy was he pissed off for some reason!
I’d never met this guy and even though Kiley talks about everything else, she’s never said very much about her dad, so it was kind of a surprise to hear him start laying into the Old Man. And maybe it was pretty rude to listen, but I couldn’t really help it cuz the Old Man had left the door open and Mr. McKormick was sure not being quiet at all! He demanded that Kiley come home right that very minute, cuz he knew there were two teenaged boys in our house and he did not want us “little bastards” fooling around with his daughter, which he knew we would cuz Kiley’s too stupid to know better than to let us do whatever we wanted with her. Holy fnarg! I looked at Kiley and she was pretty pale, and was chewing on her lower lip cuz of course she could hear everything that her dad was saying too.
Frammit, I can’t believe someone would say something like that about his own daughter, plus accuse me and Tank of wanting to take advantage of her like we was just laying in wait for her like slobbering wolves or something! Damn! That was a huge insult against us and the Old Man ain’t gonna stant for that, so I wasn’t surprised when he pretty much pitched a fit right there on the porch, shouting back at Kiley’s dad that his boys are honorable and would never do anything like what was being empli implied and how dare he say something like that about his daughter, who had been nothing but polite and respectful during her visits to our house?! Just from the booming tone of his voice, I could tell the Old Man was spitting mad. And I couldn’t see him, but I could imagine just what the expression on his face was like, because I’d seen it plenty of times when being shouted at.
And I was just thinking that if Mr. McKormick wasn’t cringing, then he was seriously in for it cuz the Old Man is a brawler from way back and he loves to fight, and in fact he’d beat everyone he’d ever fought, as far as I know, except for Johnny’s dad (Johnny once told me that the Old Man had a thing for his mom, and tried to beat up Mr. Smith to win her… I dunno if that’s true or not, but I do know that the Old Man always hated Mr. Smith).
But anyway I couldn’t think about that for very long, cuz Kiley tugged on my arm then and asked if we could please play some darts, and she said it in a really sad pleading way so I knew that she was just desperate for anything to do besides listening to our dads fight, so I got up and started a game with her, but no matter how much we tried to concentrate on darts, we could still hear the Old Man and Kiley’s dad arguing out on the front porch. I bet the whole damn neighborhood could hear them! Wowee!
Mr. McKormick said he knew all teenaged boys were alike and all they wanted was to get into a naïve girl’s pants, and it was disgraceful that Kiley was over here at our house which was filled with nothing but males, like some kind of little tramp. The Old Man cursed back at him and dared him to say another word of slander against his boys or Kiley, then it was quiet for awhile and I imagine that they were glaring at each other and trying to decide who’d win if it came to a fight (the Old Man ain’t been in a good fight in a long time, so I betcha he was really hoping it would).
I can’t imagine the Old Man conseeding giving in, not in a million years, so I guess it was probably Mr. McKormick who backed down first. He snarled “Just get out of my way, I’m getting my daughter!” and next thing we knew, he was shoving his way into the house.
The Old Man was naturally right behind him, looking pretty furious that his home was being barged into. Mr. McKormick yelled at Kiley that it was late and time for her to get her ass home, and when she tried to protest, he yelled “Now!” at her. I felt really bad, cuz she looked like he’d just whipped her or something, and I could see her cringe, which also made me feel really angry that her dad would be so loud and mean to her like that, and I could totally understand how it was making her feel, but it was a lot different than when the Old Man yells at me. I don’t know what the difference was, exactly, but Mr. McKormick’s anger seemed like it was on a darker more dangerous level than my Old Man’s, if that makes any kind of sense. I dunno. I’ll have to think about that and why it’s different… Anyway, he was furious enough that I could feel it, and his anger wasn’t even really directed at me! Kiley must have felt ten tons more awful.
Kiley muttered a good bye to me and then she and her dad both left. I didn’t know what to do or what to say, all I could really do was watch them go and continue to feel angry and bad about it all. Mr. McKormick really slammed the door behind him, and made the entire house shake.
As soon as he had, the Old Man swore and spit and snapped “Hell’s bells, Ripp!” and then warned me to be careful around Kiley. “Don’t you dare give the bastard any reason to think you’re being dishonorable with that girl!” he ordered, somehow making it sound like this had all been my fault in the first place for being friends with Kiley! What the hell?!
I worried about Kiley all night, but when she met me on the way to school the next morning and I asked her if everything was okay between her and her dad, she just laughed in the way that she does and told me everything was fine. But I noticed that the makeup around her eyes was a lot heavier than it usually is and she’d done her hair so that her bangs were hanging directly in front of her eyes instead of to the sides, so I knew she was hiding something. And it sure as hell aint’ hard to figure out what. Frammit, but that made me mad! Kiley’s such a sweet girl, she doesn’t deserve that kinda shit!
I’ve noticed her looking that way a lot since then, so I guess that things really aren’t alright between her and her dad, but she doesn’t ever talk about it and I don’t ever ask, cuz if she wanted to talk about it, she would. It makes me feel bad for her though, of course it does. But the Old Man’s warning is what makes me feel kinda uncomfortable about being friends with Kiley… kinda like I’m thinking that even though we’re just friends and nothing like that would ever (ever!) happen between us, Mr. McKormick might not listen to the truth if he ever got pissed off enough. I know the Old Man wouldn’t.
But, then I see Kiley with her heavy make-up and her bangs over her eyes and I think about how the other kids at school thinks she’s weird, ditzy and flighty, and how Christian is probably never gonna like her the way she hopes, and I think that Kiley needs a friend more than I need to worry about her dad or my Old Man. So, I promised myself, I would try to be as good a friend for her as I can.
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Okay, that last entry was fnarging depressing, so I’m gonna talk about something better! I didn’t get to write about my other friend yet, so I will do that this time. I haven’t known him very long, so actually I don’t know if I can even flipping call him a friend yet or not, but I think maybe I can. He is soooo fnarging cool, I really really hope we’re friends!
It was about a week ago, one of the usual bullies had me cornered in the bathroom at school and was giving me the usual put-down and probably fixing to start poking at me and shoving me around, when this new kid came and made him stop. His name is Dustin Broke, and he just started at our school. He’s already proven himself to be very cool and popular, so I felt pretty damn stupid that he’d ‘rescued’ me and even dumber when he asked me why I put up with that shit. I told him I just didn’t like confrontations, and we ended up talking briefly before he left, and of course I was figuring that was the end of that cuz there was no doubt that he now thought I was the complete loser that I totally am.
But then the next day he stopped me in the lunch room to talk some more! I couldn’t believe it! I mean, I’d already overheard some of the girls in my classes talking about how cute this guy was and how they totally had bolts for him, so I knew he was already being accepted in the school, and was even being let into the little stupid groups that I’d been ignored by, but here he was chatting with me! What the hell? I felt a little suspitus aprihensive wary cuz I thought maybe he was just setting me up or something, but after awhile I relaxed, cuz he seemed friendly. He even asked if I wanted to hang out later after school.
Of course, I was all for that! Over the next few days, we got to know each other better walking to and from school (along with Kiley, when she didn’t have choir), cuz it turns out that Dustin lives in that trailer park that’s on the next street over from us. I know that place is bad news, the Old Man says there’s drugs and whores and other bad things going on over there, but Dustin isn’t bad like that, he’s really awesome! Everyone likes him (especially the girls!), he can talk to just about anyone, seems like, and he just seems so… unconcerned about everything, like he really don’t give a damn, and so that makes him pretty cool. I mean, he’s got the attitude that I try to have (and fail at) whenever the Old Man starts shouting at me.
Anyway, Dustin and his mother and little brother just moved from some place called Plesent Pleasantview, and his mom is expecting another baby pretty soon. A couple times, we went over to the arcade at the grocery store before going home, and that was a lot of fun cuz I love video games and especially pinball and I’m really good at both and I think Dustin was impressed by that. At least, I hope he was, cuz I like him a lot and really wanna be good friends with him, plus since I started hanging out with him, I’m not getting bullied as much, probably cuz the word got around that Dustin stopped it happening the one time. I guess he’s just like Johnny that way. He’s also like Johnny cuz I mostly feel relaxed around him, not as nervous or miserable like I usually feel around other people. I look forward to seeing him at school!
Most of the time when we go somewhere, it’s because he suggests it and I just follow him, but the other day I invited him to come to my house after school, just to hang out. I wasn’t expecting him to agree, since he’s already so popular and I’m a fnarging loser, and maybe hanging around together at the arcade was okay, but going over to another guy’s house might seem more like being friends than someone as cool as Dustin would wanna be, but he said okay, which really surprised the hell outta me, but I was happy about it. I tried to be cool, though, and not let it show that I was so lame that I’d get excited about a buddy coming over. I know that would have probably put him right off me.
No one else was home, so we just headed straight upstairs.
When we got up to my room, he admired one of the girly posters I have up on my side, over my bed, and said he thought those “babes” were hella hot. I never really pay much attention to my posters, they’re just there cuz they are there, but Dustin told me that he also has a poster of one of the girls on my poster, cuz I guess she’s a well-known model or something. Anyway, I know it’s really silly of me, but it made me feel good that he and I both owned something with the same model on it. Like that was some kinda connection, or something. Yep, looooooser, again! I AM SO LAME!!!
He made a lot of funny jokes about the butts on the models and how he wished they were bigger, cuz he likes “booty” he can get a hold of! Hee hee hee! It was pretty gross, but he really had me laughing! Then he said he was surprised that I wasn’t more shocked by his jokes (like I’m some kinda baby or something?) but I just shook my head and reminded him that I was from a military family, I’ve heard just about every damn off-color joke there is to tell at one time or another whenever the Old Man has his military buddies over and they all get to drinking.
We hung out and talked for a little while, mostly about the towns we used to live in and what they were like and I think I talked too much about all the weird stuff that happened in Strangetown, cuz before I realized it, I was being just as chatty as Kiley! But Dustin didn’t seem to mind too much, at least I don’t think he did, but I gotta remind myself not to get so worked up when I’m hanging around him, cuz I don’t wanna seem clingy or needy, cuz that would be the quickest way to ruin being friends with him! So I shut myself up and let him talk awhile, and he told me about Pleasantview and the girls he used to go with including one who was half-alien, and that made me feel like I had another connection with him, because we’ve both seen some weird stuff. And we both used to have bolts for a half-alien.
After that we talked a bit about our current school and some of the kids, and all Kiley’s frigging gossiping came in handy then cuz I was able to give Dustin some of the dirt. Then he surprised me cuz kinda outta the blue he asked, “Hey, what do you know about a kid named Dominic? Him and his mom came over and had dinner with us the other night.”
Dominic? I knew who he was, cuz I’d seen him a few times, and I heard he was bad news, but I didn’t know why really, and anyway that was just what other people had said, but it was probably true, cuz everyone knew what Dominic’s mom did for a living. So I told him, “You don’t wanna hang around with that kid.”
Of course, Dustin asked why, so I told him what I’d heard - that Dominic’s mom was a whore and probably a plat-boost user and that Dominic’s not much better, he only goes to school enough to not draw attention from Social Services, but when he’s there he don’t do hardly any work, and some people say he steals and does other bad things, so my advice was still that Dustin should stay away from Dominic if he could.
Dustin didn’t really agree with me, but he nodded and made a little grunty “yes” kinda noise like what Tank makes when he can’t be bothered to actually answer a question. Then Dustin changed the subject and asked where was a good place to go to have some fun?
What? Like I would know?! I’m the loser, remember? But I tried to think and I’d heard some kids saying that there was some place called the Loft that some people liked to hang out at. It’s like a teen dance club in the early evening, I guess, and it’s on the other side of the river from us, but Dustin said we should go anyway, since it was a Friday night, he didn’t care what side of the river it was on, and we didn’t have anything better to do anyway. “C’mon! Let’s go!” he said.
But… well, I was willing to follow Dustin anywhere (augh, I really AM pathetic), but I wasn’t real comfortable about going out to the Loft, cuz I know what’d happen if I did. Everyone would either ignore me or target me and I wouldn’t have a good time at all, plus I’ve never been to a place like that before, and I didn’t know how to act, and if Dustin saw how socially inepd intept stupid I was, then there was no way he would want to hang around with me anymore, not someone as cool as he is. So I just tried to make some excuse so that he wouldn’t think I was uncomfortable about going and I stammered out a bunch of stupid words about not being able to dance, which I’m sure made me seem like as much of an glamrod idiot as I woulda looked if I’d just told the truth in the first place! Gahhhhhhh…. Why do I always make a mess of everything?!
But Dustin was all like “Oh hey, that’s no problem! I can show you how to dance!” and he got up and turned on the radio on the desk and just started to dance like it was no big deal and telling me that I just had to move my body to the beat and that it was really easy.
Watching him made me feel good… like not so tensed or nervous, and I laughed as I was watching him dance cuz it just suddenly all seemed so silly. And he just laughed back and turned so that he was facing me and kept saying “C’mon, c’mon! Get dancing!” until I finally started trying to copy what he was doing, and as we danced, he said “We’ll practice tonight, okay? And then we’ll go out to the club tomorrow night? How’s that sound?”
Tell the truth, I didn’t really care if we went anywhere or not, cuz I was just enjoying being there, dancing with him. Seeing him move. He is so awesome, so much like Johnny! For the first time in the year since we’d moved, I didn’t miss him so much and I felt like I belonged, instead of being an outsider, I felt like I was hanging around with someone who actually liked me, who could make things seem like fun again. I didn’t feel sick, I didn’t feel like someone was going to shout at me at any minute, I was comfortable and happy. And grateful, yeah, cuz Dustin is so cool that he could hang out with anyone, especially someone just as cool as he is who would not have hesitated to go to the club with him, but he wasn’t hanging out with anyone like that, he was hanging out with me!
Then, frammit! Kiley walked into the room, calling out hello, and that Tank was home and had let her in downstairs, and she hoped it was okay to come in without knocking, and then she saw that we were dancing and started to giggle and asked what in the world we was doing. I wanted to cringe and felt suddenly really hot, like someone had just turned the heater up about a million degrees, and I don’t even know why except that I don’t know if I liked Kiley catching me and Dustin dancing together! Almost like those couple minutes of happy were something to be ashamed of. That doesn't even make sense! Why does this kinda stuff always happen to meeeeee?! Augh!
Dustin just had this big grin on his face and didn’t look like he was embarrassed or nothing the way I was. He said: “Kiley! Ripp don’t know how to dance, let’s show him how it’s done!” And then he stepped back to make room for her to join, which she did, and I kinda got pushed back and the two of them started to dance together.
Kiley was a really good dancer, and she and Dustin were really good together. A lot fnarging better than I probably was when I was dancing with him, I’m sure. And even though Dustin was still talking to me, giving me pointers and stuff, he was looking at her the entire time, and smiling at her, and moving with her, and getting a lot closer to her than he’d gotten to me.
I felt I was I didn’t AUGH!!! I dunno! I love Kiley, and I’m glad she’s my friend and that I’m her friend but, but, but, but!!!! Frammit! Augh, I suck so much!! I didn’t feel good anymore, I just felt again like I always do, sick and ignored and confused, and like there was something heavy and painful in my gut. Why’d she have to interrupt us? I know it’s horrible to say and saying it makes me a bad person (or worse than I already am), but I really wish she hadn’t shown up. Really really wish!
I wish I could have kept dancing with him instead.
I HATE THIS JOURNAL! Hate it! Writing sucks and self-examination sucks! And Mr. Ambrose sucks for making us do this stupid shit! I’m not writing no more this week!!!
To Be Continued! Kiley's entry is next up!