Manus Aran: The best part of waking up [narration/audio]
[Guess what Samus, I mean, Manus did this morning? He woke up and pretty much re-enacted a combination of this scene from 33 40-year old virgin, and this scene from Me, Myself and Irene while muttering a mantra of whatthehellwhatthefuckihaveadick over and over. Then he took to curiously exploring his new found body parts, checked the journal network super fast and then ran out in the cold to properly freak the fuck out and complain to his gunship about it all. He may or may not of written his name in the snow on the way back after he simmered down.]
--PERSONAL DATA LOG 20XX01.15.015 SAMUS ARAN. RECORDING...--
SUBJECT NAME: SAMUS ARAN
SPECIE: HUMAN
GENDER: MALE
AGE: 33
BIRTHDATE: MAY 27TH
HEIGHT: 5' 4''
WEIGHT: 154 lbs
HAIR COLOR: BLONDE
EYE COLOR: LIGHT BLUE
BLOOD TYPE: AB
STATUS: ALL BIO-FUNCTIONS NORMAL. ALL BIO-SIGNATURES STABLE. GRANULATION TISSUE FORMING IN LEFT SHOULDER. CORTISOL LEVELS IN BLOOD ARE ABOVE AVERAGE. NO OTHER ABNORMALITIES TO REPORT.
...No, no no, NO this is the fourth scan mother of... you are MISSING SOMETHING HERE COMPUTER. Something important. Something that is definitely an abnormality to report. I SHOULD NOT HAVE X AND Y CHROMOSOMES, OKAY? I was born a female, You know this. F.e.m.a.l.e. That's boobs, hips and a vagina. Two X chromosomes. Now tell me where those went and WHY I CURRENTLY HAVE A DICK. AND IF I HAVE TO BE MALE WHY COULDN'T I HAVE GROWN TALLER THAN JUST ONE INCH?!
SCANS INDICATE TRACE REMAINS OF AN UNKNOWN SUBSTANCE THAT COINCIDE WITH THE CHROMOSOMAL CHANGES IN YOUR BODY. SOURCE LOCATION: SMALL INTESTINE.
I already fucking knew that! Obviously I ate something bad along with half the school. All I care about is who the hell did it so I can beat them to a bloody pulp and how long it's going to last!
CURRENT DATA ANALYSIS SUPPORTS THAT THIS IS A TEMPORARY CHANGE. FURTHER ANALYSIS--
How temporary?
...MISS ARAN, CURRENT DATA ANALYSIS SUPPORTS THAT THIS IS A TEMPORARY CHANGE. FURTHER ANALYSIS WILL BE NEEDED TO CONFIRM HOW LONG.
This is so stupid... This is so stupid! [a clang; Samus probably kicked something] I jinxed myself! Do you have any idea how WEIRD this is!? I-I couldn't stop touching myself this morning! AT. ALL. Cold showers don't work! THEY DON'T WORK.
...NO, MISS ARAN. I AM NOT AWARE. PLEASE CALM DOWN, THIS IS UNLIKE YOU.
.......You're doing that on purpose. You might as well stick with 'Samus' or plain 'Aran' until this is over.
IF I MAY MAKE A SUGGESTION SAMUS, PERHAPS USE THIS SITUATION TO YOUR ADVANTAGE AND MAKE RECORD OF YOUR OBSERVATIONS FOR FUTURE KNOWLEDGE.
...what the fucking HELL DO YOU THINK I'M DOING RIGHT NOW?!
...COMPLAINING. IN A LESS-THAN-FORMAL-SENSE...
Gggfffhhhh! Just what are you trying to suggest?! That I touch myself some more?!
REEVALUATING MY PERSONAL RECORDS, IT IS TO MY UNDERSTANDING THAT THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME YOU HAVE BEEN MISTAKEN FOR THE OPPOSITE GENDER, SAMUS.
No shit! I've been mistaken for male under that suit before on missions and in GF headquarters around some of the green recruits... Only this time I really am male, thanks for reminding me, computer.
...BUT YOU ARE STILL SAMUS ARAN.
..............Hnnnnrrghh.
It's... fine. Fine. ......You're right. I need to calm down and figure out what the hell I'm going to do for Biomech later... Half the school is like this apparently, it shouldn't be too bad. I'd better get paid double time for this. I... should probably need to apologize to Otacon too...
GOOD LUCK, SAMUS.
--...END RECORDING.--
--PERSONAL DATA LOG 20XX01.15.015 SAMUS ARAN. RECORDING...--
SUBJECT NAME: SAMUS ARAN
SPECIE: HUMAN
GENDER: MALE
AGE: 33
BIRTHDATE: MAY 27TH
HEIGHT: 5' 4''
WEIGHT: 154 lbs
HAIR COLOR: BLONDE
EYE COLOR: LIGHT BLUE
BLOOD TYPE: AB
STATUS: ALL BIO-FUNCTIONS NORMAL. ALL BIO-SIGNATURES STABLE. GRANULATION TISSUE FORMING IN LEFT SHOULDER. CORTISOL LEVELS IN BLOOD ARE ABOVE AVERAGE. NO OTHER ABNORMALITIES TO REPORT.
...No, no no, NO this is the fourth scan mother of... you are MISSING SOMETHING HERE COMPUTER. Something important. Something that is definitely an abnormality to report. I SHOULD NOT HAVE X AND Y CHROMOSOMES, OKAY? I was born a female, You know this. F.e.m.a.l.e. That's boobs, hips and a vagina. Two X chromosomes. Now tell me where those went and WHY I CURRENTLY HAVE A DICK. AND IF I HAVE TO BE MALE WHY COULDN'T I HAVE GROWN TALLER THAN JUST ONE INCH?!
SCANS INDICATE TRACE REMAINS OF AN UNKNOWN SUBSTANCE THAT COINCIDE WITH THE CHROMOSOMAL CHANGES IN YOUR BODY. SOURCE LOCATION: SMALL INTESTINE.
I already fucking knew that! Obviously I ate something bad along with half the school. All I care about is who the hell did it so I can beat them to a bloody pulp and how long it's going to last!
CURRENT DATA ANALYSIS SUPPORTS THAT THIS IS A TEMPORARY CHANGE. FURTHER ANALYSIS--
How temporary?
...MISS ARAN, CURRENT DATA ANALYSIS SUPPORTS THAT THIS IS A TEMPORARY CHANGE. FURTHER ANALYSIS WILL BE NEEDED TO CONFIRM HOW LONG.
This is so stupid... This is so stupid! [a clang; Samus probably kicked something] I jinxed myself! Do you have any idea how WEIRD this is!? I-I couldn't stop touching myself this morning! AT. ALL. Cold showers don't work! THEY DON'T WORK.
...NO, MISS ARAN. I AM NOT AWARE. PLEASE CALM DOWN, THIS IS UNLIKE YOU.
.......You're doing that on purpose. You might as well stick with 'Samus' or plain 'Aran' until this is over.
IF I MAY MAKE A SUGGESTION SAMUS, PERHAPS USE THIS SITUATION TO YOUR ADVANTAGE AND MAKE RECORD OF YOUR OBSERVATIONS FOR FUTURE KNOWLEDGE.
...what the fucking HELL DO YOU THINK I'M DOING RIGHT NOW?!
...COMPLAINING. IN A LESS-THAN-FORMAL-SENSE...
Gggfffhhhh! Just what are you trying to suggest?! That I touch myself some more?!
REEVALUATING MY PERSONAL RECORDS, IT IS TO MY UNDERSTANDING THAT THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME YOU HAVE BEEN MISTAKEN FOR THE OPPOSITE GENDER, SAMUS.
No shit! I've been mistaken for male under that suit before on missions and in GF headquarters around some of the green recruits... Only this time I really am male, thanks for reminding me, computer.
...BUT YOU ARE STILL SAMUS ARAN.
..............Hnnnnrrghh.
It's... fine. Fine. ......You're right. I need to calm down and figure out what the hell I'm going to do for Biomech later... Half the school is like this apparently, it shouldn't be too bad. I'd better get paid double time for this. I... should probably need to apologize to Otacon too...
GOOD LUCK, SAMUS.
--...END RECORDING.--