Tere

[iceofpluto]

You pain hurts a part of my soul that I had forgotten was there. I spent a long time going through journal entries from so long ago. I recognize why you distrust me, and that it's nothing less than what I deserve. I guess I just had realized how I still love you. It's true. It never dies. When I found out how your relationship had progressed I found myself deeply discontented, not because you'd fallen in love (with a man) but because he'd so hurt you in a way that I feel is the same or worse than I'd hurt you. It doesn't seem fair. You deserve better than what you've gotten from those you've given your heart away to. I still judge myself against my preconceived notion of your standard. I think I've finally gotten to point that I feel is good enough. I feel myself. I believe that I am me and that my essence is beneficial to those around me. I affect people, in good ways. I do it out my nature, not for any selfish reason, not because I'm thinking about it, but automatically. I have grown into my own skin. I wish, so much that you have too. I hear that you are, and that you're becoming yourself. I was so overjoyed by that, you have no idea. I wish I could watch it, from a much closer stand point. I can't. I've accepted that. It hurts. I had forgotten how much it hurts. I've earned the distrust that those two women I hold so dear give me. You and she, changed me so much. Continue to. She is, possibly, letting me earn her trust again. I don't blame you if you never trust me again, never trust anyone again. I distrust people with my heart as well. What goes around comes around, right? I recently wrote a paper on that very distrust I have in people. I found myself not wanting B to know that she still affects me so. It's not her so much as the actions that she took. M told me today, "hurt as much as you need to and then stop" and I knew that I am... so over... hurting. I'm done. Yet, how do I stop that which I have no control over? I let go of this and that comes to the forefront. There's so much pain in the world, so much beauty too. Even the beauty makes me hurt. (emo) I was so content just a few short weeks ago. *The train is late tonight* I'm sitting under my tree, with a full moon gazing down upon me and the small blossoms are in start contrast, I'm warm and cold in the right places. I have so much love in my life. The meaning of all of this is so perfect in it's awe inspiring completeness, and a small part of me weeps. I try to do better each day as part of my living amends to you. I don't know if I'll ever be able to tell you or show you. If you'll ever forgive me for what I did. If you can take some peace from what I do. I just wish you could understand... and know that it's for you. I gave you a card once, that so perfectly summed up my understanding of life's meaning, and I think of that card every day. Every day I try to live up to that card. Find yourself. Be free.

Love is action, and sometimes that means inaction. So here is my inaction. Here is my telling you, without you ever needing be in conflict. I pray you find it when you need to, not when I need you to.