(no subject)
So in true fashion of livejournal, my first update in months demands that it be one formed out of frustration.
So has anyone seen that commercial with what's her face from the West Wing? She plays the first lady, and I've forgotten her name. Anyway, it's a commerical about depression, and she says something about how for an entire year she was depressed, and that she was "stagnent" and unchanging. She referred to it as her "lost year". I think my junior year has been my lost year.
There's so much shit I'm worried and anxious about, and things that I need to get done but just flat out can't. This is my spring break, and all week my limited work schedule has afforded me plenty of time to get more long term things done, like college searches, this application I have to do for this Yale summer school that I'll never get accepted to, and so on. But I just can't bring myself to do any of these things. So what the fuck is it? And why have I been doing this all year? I fucking hate my classes this year, and I have this little competitive feeling all the time, that I'm falling behind in the race. While some of my friends are actually visiting colleges now, and have already picked their top five, I don't even know where to begin. I have not chosen a SINGLE college to even look into. Something in the back of my head is keeping me from the search. I look at information about a school and I just can't put myself into it.
So on Saturday, my acceptance letter from the Center for Creative Youth at Wesleyan University came in. I got a scholarship to the program, but we still have to pay for room and board. I should be so fucking excited, but I'm almost positive that I don't want to go. It's not that I wouldn't absolutely love to spend five weeks of my summer on the campus of Wesleyan University (it's gorgeous up there), but it's the classes I'd be taking that bother me. I got accepted under Techinical Theatre, an area that recently I've decided that I no longer have the faintest interest for. I've been to two concerts in the past three days, and at each one I stared at the stage and the light bars, and looked at the roadies and just thought "If I have to do that for the rest of my life, I'd kill myself." I just don't think I'd enjoy sitting in a classroom learning techniques for an area I know I'm waisting my time on. I mean, the program definitely has a lot of benefits. I know colleges will like to see that I took an active interest in something throughout my time at high school, and no college doesn't like to see a student surround them in a program that offers a college surrounding. The more I think about the program as a whole (the campus, the people I'm likely to meet, the african drumming and dance class that I'm definately taking BOO YAH), the more I like it. But I'm just not entirely impressed with the technical theatre program. I just have this big fear that I'm going to spend five weeks being a gaffer, or a go-for or some thing like that. Whenever I think about technical theatre, I guess I just see myself mopping the stage at Seven Angels. If the program can offer my some actually intellectually motivating design classes, etc., maybe I will enjoy it. Fuck, someone help.
Well, at least I went to some really kick as concerts. Flogging Molly was, well, the best concert in the world obviously, and last night Pencilgrass in New Haven was awesome. We walked around, went to Toad's place and danced, and then walked around Yale, stole posters, and handled shit filled pants (which also got thrown at my face, thanks to Nate). So as a rule, the daylight hours of my vacation have been awful (majorly due to the stupid panic attacks I have about all the above mentioned), but my nights have been fucking amazing. So if I can have a good time tonight, and again on Friday, I guess spring break will just be one huge balancing act.
Funny how things work out.
Oh, and I think I actually will go to CCY. There are still a lot of things that I think I can learn there that I'd never come close to seeing at Seven Angels. And I'm excited about the community outreach art project or whatever it is.
So has anyone seen that commercial with what's her face from the West Wing? She plays the first lady, and I've forgotten her name. Anyway, it's a commerical about depression, and she says something about how for an entire year she was depressed, and that she was "stagnent" and unchanging. She referred to it as her "lost year". I think my junior year has been my lost year.
There's so much shit I'm worried and anxious about, and things that I need to get done but just flat out can't. This is my spring break, and all week my limited work schedule has afforded me plenty of time to get more long term things done, like college searches, this application I have to do for this Yale summer school that I'll never get accepted to, and so on. But I just can't bring myself to do any of these things. So what the fuck is it? And why have I been doing this all year? I fucking hate my classes this year, and I have this little competitive feeling all the time, that I'm falling behind in the race. While some of my friends are actually visiting colleges now, and have already picked their top five, I don't even know where to begin. I have not chosen a SINGLE college to even look into. Something in the back of my head is keeping me from the search. I look at information about a school and I just can't put myself into it.
So on Saturday, my acceptance letter from the Center for Creative Youth at Wesleyan University came in. I got a scholarship to the program, but we still have to pay for room and board. I should be so fucking excited, but I'm almost positive that I don't want to go. It's not that I wouldn't absolutely love to spend five weeks of my summer on the campus of Wesleyan University (it's gorgeous up there), but it's the classes I'd be taking that bother me. I got accepted under Techinical Theatre, an area that recently I've decided that I no longer have the faintest interest for. I've been to two concerts in the past three days, and at each one I stared at the stage and the light bars, and looked at the roadies and just thought "If I have to do that for the rest of my life, I'd kill myself." I just don't think I'd enjoy sitting in a classroom learning techniques for an area I know I'm waisting my time on. I mean, the program definitely has a lot of benefits. I know colleges will like to see that I took an active interest in something throughout my time at high school, and no college doesn't like to see a student surround them in a program that offers a college surrounding. The more I think about the program as a whole (the campus, the people I'm likely to meet, the african drumming and dance class that I'm definately taking BOO YAH), the more I like it. But I'm just not entirely impressed with the technical theatre program. I just have this big fear that I'm going to spend five weeks being a gaffer, or a go-for or some thing like that. Whenever I think about technical theatre, I guess I just see myself mopping the stage at Seven Angels. If the program can offer my some actually intellectually motivating design classes, etc., maybe I will enjoy it. Fuck, someone help.
Well, at least I went to some really kick as concerts. Flogging Molly was, well, the best concert in the world obviously, and last night Pencilgrass in New Haven was awesome. We walked around, went to Toad's place and danced, and then walked around Yale, stole posters, and handled shit filled pants (which also got thrown at my face, thanks to Nate). So as a rule, the daylight hours of my vacation have been awful (majorly due to the stupid panic attacks I have about all the above mentioned), but my nights have been fucking amazing. So if I can have a good time tonight, and again on Friday, I guess spring break will just be one huge balancing act.
Funny how things work out.
Oh, and I think I actually will go to CCY. There are still a lot of things that I think I can learn there that I'd never come close to seeing at Seven Angels. And I'm excited about the community outreach art project or whatever it is.