No Words....
Remember all the things we wanted?
Now all the memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye....
Already Gone - Kelly Clarkson
I don't want to go through the explanation of everthing that has happened in the past two months. It's too much. Suffice to say, Amanda and I are done for good. No more sleeping together, no more sex, no more friendship, no more anything. No more hopes that things will ever be. I am done. I have said my goodbyes and I am done. How am I feeling towards her? Angry, sad, infuriated, disappointed, betrayed. What would I like to feel towards her? Nothing. I would like to laugh it off, know that I will end up better off, and move on. And I have, halfway. But in the very bottom of my heart I still have nothing but love for her and that love has been ripped out and I don't know what to do with the remains. I need to let go of the hurt and the anger. I've been trying to get through this process by reflecting on the past 9 months and I've realized what a liar she is. She lied to me about so many things, she lied to her best friends, her "son." My trust issues have gotten so much worse because of her. I gave my everything to her and just kept getting stripped down to my bareness. And now I don't know how to trust at all. And yet when I am alone all I ache for is to see her face and feel her arms around me, smell her skin, kiss her lips. Why are we so drawn to destruction?
My friend Erin is trying to set me up with this BEAUTIFUL girl Sam. She's wonderful, we have a lot in common...including a ton of friends from our past. I'm not sure I have enough to give her yet though. I'm almost more attracted to this girl in Helena, Emily, who is pretty much going through the same emotional process that I am....we both need time to process and let go of our anger before letting someone else in. I still have Amanda in my mind daily. Will it ever go away, I don't know. I know that it has to stop hurting less at some point....right? It's like Anj told me though, it will make me appreciate the next person who actually does treat me good. I'm so scared though....I'm not ready to let go. The saddest part is that I know right now I have been so blunt with her that I don't think she would even want to see me if I showed up on her doorstep. And I think that both makes it easier and harder at the same time. Oh why is this so difficult?
I feel like I'm running around in circles. I want to break the loop. Need to get out of this town, this job, this life....change of scenery is in major order. I'm tired of dealing with the same drama, seeing the same places with the same memories, everything is deja vu.
Get me outta here.
~Dani~
Now all the memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye....
Already Gone - Kelly Clarkson
I don't want to go through the explanation of everthing that has happened in the past two months. It's too much. Suffice to say, Amanda and I are done for good. No more sleeping together, no more sex, no more friendship, no more anything. No more hopes that things will ever be. I am done. I have said my goodbyes and I am done. How am I feeling towards her? Angry, sad, infuriated, disappointed, betrayed. What would I like to feel towards her? Nothing. I would like to laugh it off, know that I will end up better off, and move on. And I have, halfway. But in the very bottom of my heart I still have nothing but love for her and that love has been ripped out and I don't know what to do with the remains. I need to let go of the hurt and the anger. I've been trying to get through this process by reflecting on the past 9 months and I've realized what a liar she is. She lied to me about so many things, she lied to her best friends, her "son." My trust issues have gotten so much worse because of her. I gave my everything to her and just kept getting stripped down to my bareness. And now I don't know how to trust at all. And yet when I am alone all I ache for is to see her face and feel her arms around me, smell her skin, kiss her lips. Why are we so drawn to destruction?
My friend Erin is trying to set me up with this BEAUTIFUL girl Sam. She's wonderful, we have a lot in common...including a ton of friends from our past. I'm not sure I have enough to give her yet though. I'm almost more attracted to this girl in Helena, Emily, who is pretty much going through the same emotional process that I am....we both need time to process and let go of our anger before letting someone else in. I still have Amanda in my mind daily. Will it ever go away, I don't know. I know that it has to stop hurting less at some point....right? It's like Anj told me though, it will make me appreciate the next person who actually does treat me good. I'm so scared though....I'm not ready to let go. The saddest part is that I know right now I have been so blunt with her that I don't think she would even want to see me if I showed up on her doorstep. And I think that both makes it easier and harder at the same time. Oh why is this so difficult?
I feel like I'm running around in circles. I want to break the loop. Need to get out of this town, this job, this life....change of scenery is in major order. I'm tired of dealing with the same drama, seeing the same places with the same memories, everything is deja vu.
Get me outta here.
~Dani~