I've Given Up
6
I've given up expecting so much and I'm trying to be happy as I am. Everything I've done, everything I have, everything I am today---I did it all by myself. I've stopped wishing for my parents to approve the things I do. They will never tell me I've done well. They will never show me they love me regardless. So I've stopped hoping for it because I'll never get it and I'll always be too proud to ask for it. I've learned to let it go when people I know and people close to me suddenly drift away or fall out with me through my own selfishness or my inattentiveness. I deserve that and I won't lie when I say I wish I didn't feel so alone all the time.
I've taken time to notice that my brother doesn't look up to me anymore. I've stored his little words in my head to mull over later because he does matter to me and I care about what he sees in me. I've sat by myself in the corner of my closet crying a lot about the things I wish could happen, the things I really want, and the things I know I will never get. I've spent enough of my life working every minute of it to death and no, I still can't even stay put without feeling guilty. That is something I probably won't ever learn.
I've come to realize that while I may be child-like, I will never again be childish. Today, I think it's easier on me to forgive and forget. Today, I admit I have no one to fall back on. Today, I know everything can be so cruel and crueler still, but that millions of people will go on riding on the shoulders of these setbacks and upsets to come out more self-assured and self-aware. I am one in that million. And so are you.
If tomorrow I think any differently, then at least you know how I felt today.
eta: gosh, you guys... This isn't meant to be an upsetting post at all. <3
I've given up expecting so much and I'm trying to be happy as I am. Everything I've done, everything I have, everything I am today---I did it all by myself. I've stopped wishing for my parents to approve the things I do. They will never tell me I've done well. They will never show me they love me regardless. So I've stopped hoping for it because I'll never get it and I'll always be too proud to ask for it. I've learned to let it go when people I know and people close to me suddenly drift away or fall out with me through my own selfishness or my inattentiveness. I deserve that and I won't lie when I say I wish I didn't feel so alone all the time.
I've taken time to notice that my brother doesn't look up to me anymore. I've stored his little words in my head to mull over later because he does matter to me and I care about what he sees in me. I've sat by myself in the corner of my closet crying a lot about the things I wish could happen, the things I really want, and the things I know I will never get. I've spent enough of my life working every minute of it to death and no, I still can't even stay put without feeling guilty. That is something I probably won't ever learn.
I've come to realize that while I may be child-like, I will never again be childish. Today, I think it's easier on me to forgive and forget. Today, I admit I have no one to fall back on. Today, I know everything can be so cruel and crueler still, but that millions of people will go on riding on the shoulders of these setbacks and upsets to come out more self-assured and self-aware. I am one in that million. And so are you.
If tomorrow I think any differently, then at least you know how I felt today.
eta: gosh, you guys... This isn't meant to be an upsetting post at all. <3