Some Thoughts on the Future
It's not much, really. In fact, it's an e-mail I wrote to my Mom and Dad. It's really long, too, just a warning.
Dear Mom and Dad,
How are you doing? I hope things are going well over there.
I'm just writing to share a few thoughts about my future. I hope this unfairly long message doesn't stress you out, but I feel that I am at a crossroads and need to make some serious decisions... I think I just need someone to listen, really.
First off, I'm sorry, I know that Dad wanted me to not leave my job until I found a new one, but my job was seriously depressing me and I just had to quit. It was difficult being promised a promotion and not offered it for over a month and a half, despite trying my best to provide great customer service and doing my job better than 95% of the other employees, many of which are not in as great financial need as I am. I have not been so depressed by anything since some of my darker days in high school. I had a good talk with the General Manager who likes me a lot and actually seemed to appreciate my work; she tried to convince me to stay but I think I've had enough. A good thing to know is that she said she will keep the job open for me if ever I want to return. She asked me to make a list of employee complaints about the place; I assured her that I am working on it and will have this list ready for her soon. I don't know if this will jeapordize a possible return to the job as I am going to be issuing heavy complaints about our Human Resources Manager... Anyway, sorry for being so wordy but I just wanted to be comprehensive and honest.
As for finding a new job, I am working hard on it. I am going to Trader Joe's and Gamestop (a videogame retail store) to apply for a job right after sending this e-mail. I'll let you know ASAP if I land either job. As soon as I can get the online application thing to work, I'm also applying to Nordstrom cafe as a server and cashier and am considering applying to a local Asian marketplace as well. I want to find a job that gives me a lot of hours and doesn't depress me. Hopefully over the summer if I don't have to take another class I can work 2 jobs, but more on that later.
UCLA hasn't gotten back to me yet; they send messages out to transfer students in late April, which is a bit troublesome. I have to let them know about dropping my lab class, something I had to do because the workload was too intense and overwhelming; hopefully it doesn't jeapordize my admission. I can just take the class in the summer if I have to.
I was rejected from Art Center in Pasadena, which is depressing because that was my 'safety' school.
With regards to my acceptance at CalArts, it turns out I am eligible for up to $32,000 in grants and loans - $11,400 of that is in loans, and the rest is from an $8,000 CalArts scholarship, various academic grants and from the work-study program, which I am eligible for. Unfortunately there seems to be a ceiling to the amount I can earn from the work-study program and it's $2,400. I'm not sure I'll have enough time to get another job nearby because of the workload, but I can try doing that as well, maybe working 3 days a week or so. Valencia, where CalArts is located, is a nice little suburb and there is a little mini-mall area just adjacent to the campus. It's walking distance, too. Part of what attracts me so much to the campus is that it isn't in the middle of a big city filled with distractions.
My budget estimate is apparently $52,000 for off-campus living (this is unnecessarily high, I think). For on-campus living and sharing a single dorm room with 2 other people it's more like $46,000 (according to their little list of expenses, and this includes board, books and supplies). It also includes about $1,500 in transportation, which hopefully won't be an issue for me since I'm going to be living on campus and probably just walking everywhere. I am going to try and get around the ludicrous books and other materials budget too.
Here's a link to their "cost estimates": http://www.calarts.edu/financialaid/estimatedyearlycosts
I've been accepted into the Film/Video school for the Film/Video program as a BFA3 (Junior Transfer).
Anyway, I am almost certain to take the student loans, but I am concerned about the rest of the tuition cost. Grandma has told me recently that she wants to make a generous contribution (more on that later), but I want to try and take care of it myself.
Grandma also offered for me to move back in with her for a few months before the start of the Fall semester to perhaps get a job or two in El Segundo and save up for CalArts. I'm not too sure about this for a few reasons, the first of which being that finding a job there (especially downtown El Segundo) is difficult as there are so few places to apply to; opportunities will likely be scarce and transportation is very difficult. Secondly, if I find a barista or server job here in West LA, I might be able to make money off West LA rich folks via tips. Because of my barista experience I may be able to find work at a Starbucks or Coffee Bean. Third, my film friends, my girlfriend and my roommates are all very important to me and seeing them while living in El Segundo will be troublesome because El Segundo's bus system is absolutely terrible. This also means that working in West LA while living in El Segundo is out of the question for me without transportation. Fourth, I don't really look forward to moving in with grandma again. In any case, this is an offer I may just have to take. I wonder what your thoughts are on it...
I am very good friends with my roommates but complications arising from a car crash involving Nikki driving Toshi's car (she's okay, and it wasn't her fault, but it's still a real hassle) and some insurance companies have made living conditions quite stressful, although they are thankfully coming a little more under control. I have sudden and unexpected outbursts of anger and frustration sometimes, and I'm not sure if they are getting better or worse at any given time. I destroy things, like I cracked my computer screen recently and destroyed a keyboard. I wish I had someone to talk to about all this; I do talk to some of my friends about it but there doesn't seem to be a permanent solution. I pray too and sometimes that helps. Honestly, I fear sometimes that I am just wasting my time and money and should give up on all this and return to the Philippines. Other times I feel that everyone's hopes are riding on my shoulders and I have a huge obligation to succeed in life. I want to succeed, but I feel like my fears are holding me back and these are only exacerbated by financial worries. Often I feel regret that I didn't apply to more schools; I could have gotten into UC Irvine or UC Davis or UC Santa Cruz or even CSU LA or Long Beach... I start thinking that maybe I should just wait another year. I might be able to do that. In any case, I don't have any regrets. It's my fault I wasn't able to apply to more colleges.
Those are just my bad days, though. More often than not, I am very, very grateful for having been given the opportunity to fight my way into school like this as this past year has been such an enriching life experience. I feel like I have full responsibility for myself and that is very empowering. I have nobody to blame for anything but myself, so I've been doing my best to be responsible and mature. I take care of my roommates as best I can, I divide the bills between us, I plan my schedule so I can embark on film projects and help others out, and I ration my money better than most. And without my independence I wouldn't have met and won over my girlfriend, who is wonderful, artistically brilliant and very mature for someone turning 18 in a few months. So many things have gone well for me this past year that all my worries seem pedestrian by comparison. I feel like I've really changed for the better and can now see life from many more points of view, but I still fear that I'm not doing enough. After all, there are people out there who work 2 jobs and have internships on top of that. I feel stupid sometimes for never having sought out an internship with a major studio, even though such programs are time-consuming, difficult to get into and usually only available to people with transportation. Oh, well.
I spent the weekend job-less but working on trying to reassess my life. I did five loads of laundry, cleaned the room (it was really, really dirty), hung out with my friends and finished editing that one movie I made with the kids the last time I was back home (hopefully they've showed it to you). I hope they take that as a sign that Revenge of the Ring will be done soon.
I had a dream the other day that the whole family (excluding Krisel, and by the way why is she still there?) was living in my little one-bedroom apartment. My roommates were gone, I think. It was kind of funny, kind of sad. For some reason it made me feel nostalgic.
Anyway, it's 4:40 and I really need to get job-searching. Thanks for reading through all this. I miss you both, I miss the whole family, and I really hope that everything is going well for you back home. : )
Love,
Joseph
Here's a film I made with my brothers, by the way. It's just a silly home movie, nothing to take seriously, but it makes me smile a little.
The Adventures of Myk
I'm sorry I'm never on LJ to read comments or journals and thus don't know jack about what's going on in my friends' lives most of the time. I feel horrible but it's just difficult to find the time and effort. Please hit me up on AIM or MSN if you can, or send me an e-mail. I love you all.