Rant #24: Something to look for...
It is difficult for me to write this, as I really don’t understand it fully myself. And for me to get it out of my system, I am trying some steps that, hopefully, will jog something into working.
Many people strive for love, acceptance, money, power. Others struggle for less, some for much more. I strive for balance and peace. I strive for something within me to be able to stop the turmoil that I somehow feel about myself. I don’t hate myself; but there are times when I feel that I shouldn’t be here. I don’t love myself; but there are times when I feel that if I wasn’t around then someone would be much worse off than if I was gone. I am supremely confident, but have nothing to go all out for. I have nowhere to go. Life is giving me options and I just...don’t take them. It is similar to apathy, but I don’t think that it’s that. One of my earlier rants went over my melancholy; a...semiannual event that I go through. This is not it. This has been an issue that has plagued me for at least 3 to 4 years.
I don’t think that it is the future that I’m worried about. I know that it’s there, and I know that it is coming. But I have no drive to see the future. No...spark that sets me off when I discuss the future. It feels as if I am distancing myself from the future. Not people or decisions or anything else; just the future.
Balance and peace; one to find the center, the other to keep it. I know that I can’t find true balance, true peace. Zen masters always say that they haven’t found it and I’m nowhere near that level. I’m just looking for a small measure of both. Once I’ve done that I can take a side, I can find something to endeavor for. But it feels like I’m a gyroscope without a center of gravity; spinning and spinning and going out of control. All I’m asking for is just a bit of both. It’s not frustrating when I can’t find it, it’s just...disappointing.
Maybe I need a focus. Something to keep my eye on when I’m traveling. But I don’t know what to focus on. And that’s probably one of the problems. No focus. No higher goal. Nothing to tell me when I’ve reached the top.
Maybe I think that I don’t have a future. I work, I go to school...that’s about it. I don’t have any overriding hobbies; no commitments to someone or something that make me choose between them or work/school. I’m bored with…things. I like and need to be hanging out with people, but the people I want to hang out with either aren’t here or aren’t available when I am and the people I can hang out with sometimes can’t do anything to help. Games and the like don’t do anything but provide a temporary distraction; and that’s just what I need...another distraction. Nothing is providing a path to a future. School is the basic training but it doesn’t point the way. Work is something that passes the time (a very poor way to pass the time...). And then there is…a void.
I don’t know. Nothing I’ve written so far has jogged anything. Well...that’s not entirely true. I just want something to strive for; then I can find the balance and peace that I want. If I have to work for it all the better. I am not asking for it to be handed to me, but even if it was at this point I’m not sure what to do with it. I just...can’t seem to get it out. A man of so many words and nothing can describe this or give it meaning. Nothing.
Hope! I lied earlier. Balance and peace are all well and good…but somehow I didn’t say what I wanted. I want hope, I struggle for hope, I desperately cry out for hope. I want to roll it around me and let it burn away all that is making me this way. It’s a simple word for a simple feeling. And it is a simple feeling. It’s the eye of the storm, the calm point around which everything centers. Its just getting there that is the part where everyone stumbles. Where everyone makes it complex.
Whenever someone offers me hope, in one way or another, in small or large doses...it gives me new life. I get a small taste for it and I so badly want to get it again. I lose it; somehow I so very much lose it. But I crawl and beg after it, desperately fighting for the glimmer I had to return. And at those times in my life...I feel a strange completeness come over me. I could have nothing, no one, and nowhere to go; but I would have something to try for-that feeling of hope. Somehow, that is all I need or want.
Hope springs eternal; I just pray that I can find a tributary...
James York
Many people strive for love, acceptance, money, power. Others struggle for less, some for much more. I strive for balance and peace. I strive for something within me to be able to stop the turmoil that I somehow feel about myself. I don’t hate myself; but there are times when I feel that I shouldn’t be here. I don’t love myself; but there are times when I feel that if I wasn’t around then someone would be much worse off than if I was gone. I am supremely confident, but have nothing to go all out for. I have nowhere to go. Life is giving me options and I just...don’t take them. It is similar to apathy, but I don’t think that it’s that. One of my earlier rants went over my melancholy; a...semiannual event that I go through. This is not it. This has been an issue that has plagued me for at least 3 to 4 years.
I don’t think that it is the future that I’m worried about. I know that it’s there, and I know that it is coming. But I have no drive to see the future. No...spark that sets me off when I discuss the future. It feels as if I am distancing myself from the future. Not people or decisions or anything else; just the future.
Balance and peace; one to find the center, the other to keep it. I know that I can’t find true balance, true peace. Zen masters always say that they haven’t found it and I’m nowhere near that level. I’m just looking for a small measure of both. Once I’ve done that I can take a side, I can find something to endeavor for. But it feels like I’m a gyroscope without a center of gravity; spinning and spinning and going out of control. All I’m asking for is just a bit of both. It’s not frustrating when I can’t find it, it’s just...disappointing.
Maybe I need a focus. Something to keep my eye on when I’m traveling. But I don’t know what to focus on. And that’s probably one of the problems. No focus. No higher goal. Nothing to tell me when I’ve reached the top.
Maybe I think that I don’t have a future. I work, I go to school...that’s about it. I don’t have any overriding hobbies; no commitments to someone or something that make me choose between them or work/school. I’m bored with…things. I like and need to be hanging out with people, but the people I want to hang out with either aren’t here or aren’t available when I am and the people I can hang out with sometimes can’t do anything to help. Games and the like don’t do anything but provide a temporary distraction; and that’s just what I need...another distraction. Nothing is providing a path to a future. School is the basic training but it doesn’t point the way. Work is something that passes the time (a very poor way to pass the time...). And then there is…a void.
I don’t know. Nothing I’ve written so far has jogged anything. Well...that’s not entirely true. I just want something to strive for; then I can find the balance and peace that I want. If I have to work for it all the better. I am not asking for it to be handed to me, but even if it was at this point I’m not sure what to do with it. I just...can’t seem to get it out. A man of so many words and nothing can describe this or give it meaning. Nothing.
Hope! I lied earlier. Balance and peace are all well and good…but somehow I didn’t say what I wanted. I want hope, I struggle for hope, I desperately cry out for hope. I want to roll it around me and let it burn away all that is making me this way. It’s a simple word for a simple feeling. And it is a simple feeling. It’s the eye of the storm, the calm point around which everything centers. Its just getting there that is the part where everyone stumbles. Where everyone makes it complex.
Whenever someone offers me hope, in one way or another, in small or large doses...it gives me new life. I get a small taste for it and I so badly want to get it again. I lose it; somehow I so very much lose it. But I crawl and beg after it, desperately fighting for the glimmer I had to return. And at those times in my life...I feel a strange completeness come over me. I could have nothing, no one, and nowhere to go; but I would have something to try for-that feeling of hope. Somehow, that is all I need or want.
Hope springs eternal; I just pray that I can find a tributary...
James York