Some odd things in these journals....
I haven't checked this in about a week, and I'm noticing that now it's me feeling pretty good, and my friends sliding into the hell of depression. Of course I'm doing what I can to help my friends, and this isn't the place to talk about what's disturbing their lives. I'm here to put down my thoughts... And keep track of what's bugging me. Which oddly enough isn't much. I had an epiphany the other night. I was out by the beach... Looking up at the stars... Trying to decide if I wanted to make use of the gun I'd bought, and eat a bullet myself... And I realized, I was doing it to myself. The depression, was all by trying to be what I'm not. For quite some time now, I'd been trying to figure out why it was I'm still single, why women don't ever see me in a romantic light, but always as friends, and truthfully, I'm a very good friend to my lady friends. I'm understanding, supportive, and there for them as much as possible. I never have a problem with just being there to listen to them, I offer what advice I can if they want it, and am, a likeable guy. But I couldnt figure out why women never saw me as a romantic. Then I met some of the guys who had g/f's and had series of g/f's, etc. Truth be told, most of them are overconfident, selfish, pricks. I don't know why women go for that, but I felt the need to not be the guy without a woman, so I tried to be that for a while, and was still getting nowhere with women. That's where a lot of my depression came from, I just couldn't see the reason for me being alone. Tis something that bothered me for a long long time. So, while I was lying on my hood, watching the stars, wondering about why I was still single, and whether or not to eat the bullet, another question came to me. What's truly wrong with being single? And I thought about that... What is truly wrong with being single? The basic part of being a guy offered one answer. No sex... And I thought about my experiences with sex... They were pretty damn good. Could I live without them? It's been nearly 9 months, I'm still breathing so I guess so. Because it's expected in life?... Yea, so, since when have I ever followed 'what is expected.'? Because there are so many couples around me, and I should be more like the average person? That one got a laugh from myself. I've never been average, and not really been into doing what everyone else does. Heck, I revelled in my opposition to 'normality.' And I continued to think about why it really was I was trying to not be single, and I finally realized... It was because I had decieved myself into believing I needed to be with someone. I don't have that need. There's no reason for me driving myself into depression because of something that my enviornment told me I needed, rather than my own needs said I needed. I then started thinking about what I truly want from life, and as I was going through it, I realized, 'the love of my life' wasn't on the top of my list. It's something I might like one day, but oddly enough, something I realized, finally, that I don't need. For the most part, my desires are for peace, quiet, and lone pleasures. The quiet contentment of being curled up with a good book... The freedom of being behind the wheel of my car, miles of open road, and my music... The spoiled feeling of lying in bed late, wrapped in a snug blanket, not awakened by someone else snoring, shifting, getting up, or making noise. I'd like a partner to share the rest of my life with, to be curled up with reading the book, to awake with her arm draped over underneath the warm blankets, etc... But, aside from sex, and intelligent conversation, my cat does that. He sits on my shoulder, and actually reads with me. I don't think he gets it, but he at least fakes interest. :) He curls up on my chest, or next to my arm when I sleep, (when he's in the room) and I realized, that's fine with me. There's no burning need to go find 'the love of my life,' just the need to enjoy my days as I have them. Maybe it's odd to realize that being alone isn'r such a bad thing, but then, I've always been a little odd. And guess what... I like that. :)