day today is not a day of death, but close

[icefish]

or so i thought
as i rode
through the wind, in face
leaves flying, whipping around
and a woman
walking, slouching
two huge bags, of 40s
before me
reminding me
im not her anymore

and i am
what?
am i
why did i try
to die
with ash
until now
neither
life, nor death
seem reasonable

i cannot run long, or bike even longer
for my breath
blows away
like the wind
the leaves on the wind
colorful, and filled
my lungs
filled with...

its gross
its humiliating
its painful and nerve racking
and weasing
why?
did i die myself
why did i take away the last hope
to long
peace
in life?

why did,
in excess
i stifle?
the breath
that keeps me alive

i wanted to

to die

i wanted to,
to give up on my life

to have fun with my youth,
to have experiences,
wobbling, slow talking,
completely out of this world
experiences
and when i found
i couldnt handle them
why didnt i stop
right then?
why didnt i say
as i used to
that life was better
this way...
without
that

but no,
now, i spit
and hack
and chuck
and the muck
comes back up
to haunt me
to give me
half life

like a radioactive
chemical
half life

my half is up
and it will be faster now

now that i have dreams, and goals
outside of death

now that i have love and family,
that fulfill the emptyness
and no ones made me feel
the way they do,
why do now

i have to live
with the knowledge

that ive killed
myself?
that ive let
ash in

weak lungs, cannot last
maybe..
ill be like
robotic
to stay alive?
on oxygen all my life?

for three and a half years, i now suffer eternally for my sin