Save the Legs: A Humanitarian Call to Action
Save the Legs: A Humanitarian Call to Action
Mary McDonnell needs your help...
Save the Legs: A Humanitarian Call to Action
meryl_edan and icedteainthebag, program co-chairs
_________________________________________________________________
A: The current economic crisis means that the demand is low for actresses with hot legs and hair of win.
M: She should consider removing the "no vampires" clause from her contract. Seems like there's plenty of work in that area right now.
A: Her pitch for a sequel, Dances With Hot Legs, was met with little enthusiasm.
M: I'd totally pay to see that movie.
A: Studio execs are so out-of-touch with the real world.
A: She got caught stealing a pair of Manolo Blahniks from Lucy's trailer and couldn't afford the court costs.
M: She actually isn't allowed to re-enter Canada because she stripped her trailer before she left Vancouver. She's on the lam, just like Polanski. (Her agent did manage to get her 2-day immunity to do Fan Expo though.)
A: A dress with a new jacket does not a new dress make.
M: She's nearing the point of wearing her own vintage.
A: Night after night while Randle makes her dinner, Mary sits on her couch and contemplates two bills--in one hand, the lease payment for her Beamer, in the other, her leg insurance policy.
M: Little Michael tugs on her sleeve and asks why they have to eat ramen and hot dogs again.
A: Mary yanks her sleeve away and asks Little Michael why he doesn't get a job to help pay for mom's leg insurance.
M: "Child labor laws, Mom."
A: "Randle, your son is being ungrateful for his ramen again. Yes, again."
A: For years, Mary's legs have supported her entire family, providing food, clothing and shelter to her children and her life-coaching husband.
M: Mere hours after giving birth to each of her children, Randle wheeled Mary out of the hospital and back into auditions.
A: The North Koreans want to nuke Mary's legs. They are test firing leg-seeking missiles off the coast as we speak.
M: Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has proclaimed a fatwā on Mary's legs. Also, Sedgwick came after her a few times with a crowbar.
A: These legs don't insure themselves, which is actually surprising given their magical powers.
M: These legs have raised the dead, restored sight to the blind, and turned approx. 100,000 straight girls at least bicurious.
M: [cue tear-jerker music]
A: You will receive a genuine photograph of her legs and a brief biography, showing you up close and personal how you've given Mary McDonnell's legs the chance for a better, brighter future.
M: Let's face it; the woman is Irish and thus goes through razors like nobody's business.
A: She dreams of replacing her disposables with one of those fancy electric razors with diamond-headed rotating blades, but it's too big of an investment.
M: She knows Lucy Lawless has one, and is jealous as hell.
A: None of that $2.99 Walgreens Insta-Dry shit for those toes.
M: I read she cut a bitch to get the last bottle of Rouge Noir.
A: It takes two bottles, per leg, per day, to keep her legs in top form.
M:*just died imagining Mary applying serum to legs*
A: *nudges M aside with toe to go apply serum to Mary's legs*
M: Unfortunately, donations are not tax-deductible.
A: Yet. Congress is debating an amendment to the tax code to address this egregious error.
A: Humanity will thank you.
M: And Southern California Edison won't have to shut off Mary's power because she hasn't paid her bill in 8 months.
A: "But being a househusband is hard work."
M: STFU. You get to sleep with Mary.
Mary McDonnell needs your help...
Save the Legs: A Humanitarian Call to Action
meryl_edan and icedteainthebag, program co-chairs
_________________________________________________________________
A: The current economic crisis means that the demand is low for actresses with hot legs and hair of win.
M: She should consider removing the "no vampires" clause from her contract. Seems like there's plenty of work in that area right now.
A: Her pitch for a sequel, Dances With Hot Legs, was met with little enthusiasm.
M: I'd totally pay to see that movie.
A: Studio execs are so out-of-touch with the real world.
A: She got caught stealing a pair of Manolo Blahniks from Lucy's trailer and couldn't afford the court costs.
M: She actually isn't allowed to re-enter Canada because she stripped her trailer before she left Vancouver. She's on the lam, just like Polanski. (Her agent did manage to get her 2-day immunity to do Fan Expo though.)
A: A dress with a new jacket does not a new dress make.
M: She's nearing the point of wearing her own vintage.
A: Night after night while Randle makes her dinner, Mary sits on her couch and contemplates two bills--in one hand, the lease payment for her Beamer, in the other, her leg insurance policy.
M: Little Michael tugs on her sleeve and asks why they have to eat ramen and hot dogs again.
A: Mary yanks her sleeve away and asks Little Michael why he doesn't get a job to help pay for mom's leg insurance.
M: "Child labor laws, Mom."
A: "Randle, your son is being ungrateful for his ramen again. Yes, again."
A: For years, Mary's legs have supported her entire family, providing food, clothing and shelter to her children and her life-coaching husband.
M: Mere hours after giving birth to each of her children, Randle wheeled Mary out of the hospital and back into auditions.
A: The North Koreans want to nuke Mary's legs. They are test firing leg-seeking missiles off the coast as we speak.
M: Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has proclaimed a fatwā on Mary's legs. Also, Sedgwick came after her a few times with a crowbar.
A: These legs don't insure themselves, which is actually surprising given their magical powers.
M: These legs have raised the dead, restored sight to the blind, and turned approx. 100,000 straight girls at least bicurious.
M: [cue tear-jerker music]
A: You will receive a genuine photograph of her legs and a brief biography, showing you up close and personal how you've given Mary McDonnell's legs the chance for a better, brighter future.
M: Let's face it; the woman is Irish and thus goes through razors like nobody's business.
A: She dreams of replacing her disposables with one of those fancy electric razors with diamond-headed rotating blades, but it's too big of an investment.
M: She knows Lucy Lawless has one, and is jealous as hell.
A: None of that $2.99 Walgreens Insta-Dry shit for those toes.
M: I read she cut a bitch to get the last bottle of Rouge Noir.
A: It takes two bottles, per leg, per day, to keep her legs in top form.
M:*just died imagining Mary applying serum to legs*
A: *nudges M aside with toe to go apply serum to Mary's legs*
M: Unfortunately, donations are not tax-deductible.
A: Yet. Congress is debating an amendment to the tax code to address this egregious error.
A: Humanity will thank you.
M: And Southern California Edison won't have to shut off Mary's power because she hasn't paid her bill in 8 months.
A: "But being a househusband is hard work."
M: STFU. You get to sleep with Mary.