fic: losing my mind, losing control
Title: Losing My Mind, Losing Control
Characters/Pairings: Cooper, Kurt/Blaine
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 3,515
Warnings: mentions of suicide, depression and gay-bashing
Spoilers: 3x14 and 315
Summary: A visit from his brother helps Blaine to deal with the aftermath of David's suicide attempt.
It's goes quiet again, only to be broken by Cooper's sigh. Blaine looks up now, holding tight to his medium drip for support.
"Are you okay, Blaine?" he asks. "Really?"
A/N: I am way too excited about Cooper, and I've been thinking a lot about his reason for coming.
Blaine's cleaning out his dorm room, whistling as he goes. He knows the Warblers are upset to see him go, and he's sad to leave - but thinking about Kurt, thinking about seeing him every day - it makes up for it.
Not to mention the pride in himself that's building for confronting his demons.
It's just - nice.
It's the a new beginning, and Blaine's looking forward to it.
Right now, Blaine's sorting through his desk, throwing away old assignments and notes and packing away reusable binders and half-filled notebooks. He's making progress, nearing the bottom of the third drawer down. He pulls out a stack of papers that are slightly crumpled, thrown down in a messy pile. Something clatters at the bottom of the drawer, and Blaine looks curiously inside, pushing back a few papers he missed.
His heart beats a little faster as he pulls the item out.
A bottle of pills.
Swallowing hard, Blaine tosses them in the trash.
.
.
Cooper's filling out paperwork when he hears the story on the news.
Books and papers are spread all around him on the couch and coffee table. He pulls down his glasses, and rubs between his eyes before yawning hugely. Giving himself a shake, he returns to his work. He gets about two sentences down the page before he hears a few words that make his blood run cold.
" . . . suicide rates have gone up an alarming number in the last few months. A couple of weeks ago, a young man in Lima attempted suicide. Last week, another kid in Cleveland successfully killed himself, and now, right here in Cincinnati, young Adam Hayes has taken his own life. The one thing all of these young men had in common was that they were being bullied for their sexualities. All of three of them were out as gay at the time of their suicide attempts."
Cooper's head spins, and he can feel his heart pounding hard against his throat. A "young man in Lima"?
The news anchors continue talking, but Cooper's jumping up from his seat. He crosses the room in three strides, swiping his cell phone from his desk. He dials the number with trembling fingers, and then presses the phone to his ear.
"Hello?" His mother answers on the third ring. "Cooper, what's wrong?"
"Is Blaine there?" he asks, his voice shaking.
"He's in his room, sleeping," his mother replies, confused. "Why?"
Cooper breathes a sigh of relief, but then pauses. "So, he hasn't been in the hospital recently? I mean - after his surgery. He's okay?"
"He's fine . . . Cooper, what's going on?"
Cooper takes a deep breath, and begins pacing. "I just - the news. Someone up there tried to commit suicide, and I - "
"It wasn't Blaine, sweetheart," his mother assures. "He's been taking his medication - he's - he's okay."
"Alright," Cooper says, rubbing his mouth with his fingertips. "I just - wanted to make sure."
"Well, I assure you, he's fine."
Cooper swallows hard, nodding to himself. It's quiet for a moment while he thinks. "Mom, would it - would it be okay if I came up there for a few days? I mean - I'm working on a case, but I - I don't have to be in court for a month."
"I'm sure Blaine would love it," his mother replies, and he can hear the smile in her voice.
"Great," Cooper says, still trying to regulate his breathing. "I'll - I'll see you soon then. I love you, Mom."
"I love you too, Cooper. Goodbye."
"Bye."
He hangs up, exhaling roughly before pocketing his cell phone. He runs a hand through his hair and then makes his way down the hall to his bedroom. Rifling through the doors of his dresser, he haphazardly throws together a suitcase, packing enough clothes for just over a week. When he's in the bathroom, rummaging around for his razor and shaving cream, his girlfriend, Sarah, comes in. Her hair's a mess and she squints against the light.
"Cooper, what are you doing?" she asks, voice thick with sleep. "It's nearly eleven."
"I'm going to Lima," he replies simply.
Sarah's eyebrows crease together. "Why?" she asks, leaning her head against the door frame.
"Some kid up there - he tried to commit suicide."
Sarah's head snaps up and her eyes widen. "It wasn't Blaine again, was it?"
"No," Cooper says, shaking his head. "But I need to check up on him." Making sure he has everything he needs, he zips his suitcase and walks back into their bedroom to grab his coat from the top of their dresser.
"Coop? How long are you going to be gone?" Sarah asks, following after him.
"I don't know," he sighs. "A week at the most?"
"Alright," Sarah says with a sigh. "Well, call me when you get there, okay? And - and send Blaine my love."
Cooper nods, pulling his coat around himself. He leans in, giving Sarah a quick kiss before he leaves
.
.
Blaine feels like he's going to be sick.
His ears are ringing and he can't comprehend what Ms. Pillsbury is saying. He feels fingers wrapping themselves around his own, and he glances over at Kurt, his heart racing. Kurt's already crying, but Blaine's still in shock.
He just -
It's not that he can't understand, because he can - all too well. He completely understands that desperate feeling. He knows exactly what it's like to feel that worthless and that hopeless. He knows exactly what it feels like to be in that much pain, just looking for an escape. He knows exactly what it feels like to get to that last resort.
He just never expected to remember that so clearly - not like this.
He knew David was having trouble - he knew when they met the first time on that staircase, and he knew when Kurt told him all about the whole secret admirer thing and being spotted by one of David's classmates.
But Blaine did nothing.
He gave up after one attempt at helping David.
Blaine has tried to let go, to not let his previous feelings of anger and resentment towards David continue to alter his judgment, but it's been hard. Knowing what he did to Kurt, it's difficult. But now - Blaine's been in the same place, and he feels awful for letting himself judge David this long.
Ms. Pillsbury is still talking, but Blaine's either going to vomit, faint, have a heart attack, or a combination of all three and sitting here is not helping. He lets go of Kurt's hand and gets shakily to his feet.
Kurt looks up, confused. "Blaine?"
Blaine opens his mouth, but nothing comes out
"Blaine, are you okay?" Ms. Pillsbury asks.
"I - I'm sorry," Blaine says by default. "I - I need to - I need to go."
He hurries from the room, nearly tripping over his own feet before he makes it out the door. He sprints down the hall to the nearest bathroom, hurling himself inside and slamming the door. The sobs quickly begin to wrack his body, and he sinks to the floor, wrapping his arms around himself.
.
.
"Blaine?"
Kurt pounds on the door frantically.
"Blaine, please open up."
Blaine wipes his eyes, sniffling.
"Blaine? Don't scare me like this. Blaine, please."
Reluctantly, Blaine pushes himself up and opens the door.
Kurt's arms are around his neck immediately, pulling him close.
"Oh, God," Kurt breathes, before pulling back. "Are you okay, Blaine?"
Blaine nods, sniffling again. "I just - it's awful, Kurt."
Kurt leans forward, kissing his forehead. "I know."
.
.
Blaine drags himself to up to the front door, fishing in his pockets for his keys. It's been a long past few days, a long past few weeks and he's looking forward to going upstairs and crashing in his bed until dinner. But those plans are canceled when he finds the front door unlocked and his brother lounging on the living room couch.
"Cooper?" Blaine asks, surprised, as his brother pushes himself from the couch and pulls him into a tight hug.
"Hey, little bro," he replies, letting Blaine go.
"What are you doing here?" Blaine asks, laughing slightly.
"Figured I'd just drop by," Cooper says with a shrug. "So, are you up for some coffee? We've got some catching up to do."
.
.
Blaine's holding tight to Kurt's hand as they enter David's bedroom. He swallows back the lump in his throat, keeping his eyes trained on David's face and not letting them wander to the wooden beams along his ceiling. David's propped against his pillows, a textbook in his lap.
"Hi, David," Kurt says lightly.
Blaine gives a small nod before explaining, "Kurt told me he was coming to visit, and I asked to come along."
"No offense," David starts. "But why? I didn't think we were on good terms."
"Why not?" Blaine asks, blinking.
"Because the last time we saw each other, we kind of went at it," David replies, smirking a little.
Blaine laughs awkwardly. "Yeah, well, a lot has changed I guess," he replies. "It's really good to see you alive, David."
"Thanks," David replies, pressing his lips together.
"Uh - listen," Blaine starts, taking a deep breath. "I - I know that we haven't always gotten along. I'm obviously protective of Kurt, and it - it hasn't been easy for me to adjust to you guys' being friends. But David, I assure you - I am okay with it, and I just want you to know that I am so, so glad you're okay."
"Thank you - again," David says, heaving a breath. "It means a lot to me, Blaine."
"Any time," Blaine says with a nod, and then he pauses, glancing at Kurt. He untwines their fingers and stuffs his hands in his pocket as he walks around the side of David's bed. "And David, I know - I know how you feel. Kurt is - Kurt's the only one who knows this - I was going to commit suicide. About two years ago. I'd been bullied to such a serious point that I transferred schools, and I - I fell into a depression, and one day I just - I didn't want to live anymore.
"But like Kurt's helped you - he helped me. I was still somewhat of a mess when I met him. But he helped me get through this - even though he didn't realize it, and Kurt and I, your dad - everyone who loves and cares about you, we'll help you get through this."
David nods, his lips quivering slightly.
"I - thank you so much. Both of you."
.
.
It's dark by the time Kurt and Blaine leave, the air chilly.
Kurt grabs Blaine's hand again as the walk out to the car.
"Blaine?" Kurt asks. "You okay? You're still out of it."
Blaine nods. "Yeah - yeah, I'm fine."
But the truth is - giving that speech didn't help at all. Blaine still doesn't feel right, and he's terrified of what might be coming.
.
.
They climb into Cooper's SUV - so much different from the old pickup truck he had driven during his high school days. When Blaine was ten, they used to drive around town in summer, blasting music and eating ice cream. Blaine sighs as he stares out the window. He wishes things could like that now - but Cooper's a successful lawyer and Blaine's biding his time in high school until he can make it to New York, and things are so different - less easy, less carefree.
Blaine looks over to Cooper as they round into the Lima Bean parking lot. He smiles, Cooper smiles back, and Blaine breathes a little easier. He's missed Cooper so much the past few years, and the worst part about the bullying, the transfer to Dalton, meeting Kurt - everything that's happened - is that Cooper wasn't there to comfort him during the bad and to celebrate with him during the good.
Blaine leads the way into the Lima Bean, feeling safe in the familiar place. Once he reaches the barista, he orders his usual and nearly orders Cooper a nonfat mocha, but catches himself at the last second and turns around to ask Cooper what he wants.
"I'll just have a medium drip as well," he says. He digs out his wallet. "And I'm paying."
Blaine nods, making room for Cooper to hand the barista money.
Coffees in hand, Blaine and Cooper make their way over to an open table, sliding into seats across from each other. It's quiet for a minute as Blaine stirs cinnamon around in his medium drip.
"So," Cooper starts awkwardly. "How have you been doing?"
"Fine," Blaine replies, not meeting his eyes. "Now that Regionals is over, I have some time to relax. Kurt's going out of his mind though - what with graduation in two months."
"Did he - did he get into NYADA?" Cooper asks, raising an eyebrow.
"He's a finalist," Blaine replies, nodding.
"New York," Cooper says, and then pauses. "Are - are you guys - ?"
"We're staying together," Blaine confirms. "We've been separated before. I mean - Dalton and McKinley is a little different from Ohio and New York, but we'll get through it."
"I'm glad," Cooper replies, his smile a little sad. "Kurt's good for you, Blaine."
"He really is," Blaine replies, sighing softly. His smile grows wide, and he laughs awkwardly, rubbing his neck.
"I'd like to meet him if that's okay," Cooper continues
"Yeah," Blaine says
It's goes quiet again, only to be broken by Cooper's sigh. Blaine looks up now, holding tight to his medium drip for support.
"Are you okay, Blaine?" he asks. "Really?"
Blaine swallows hard, nodding. "Yeah, I'm fine."
Cooper presses his lips together and shifts his weight. "I don't think you are."
Blaine knows where this is headed. He knew the minute he walked in the front door and saw Cooper waiting for him. "Cooper," he starts heavily. "I'm not the one who attempted suici - "
"Not this time," Cooper cuts in.
Blaine rolls his eyes. "Cooper - "
"I haven't forgotten about what happened when you first started at Dalton," Cooper continues, lowering his voice. "I don't think I ever will, Blaine. You have to realize that."
"I wasn't going to do anything," Blaine says defensively.
"The letter said otherwise," Cooper retorts, leaning back and crossing his arms.
Blaine sighs heavily. "A letter means nothing," he says quietly, looking away from Cooper. "Nothing happened, did it?"
"Something was going to," Cooper replies calmly. "You can brush off the letter, but you can't brush of the bottle of pills, Blaine."
Blaine swallows hard and pushes himself up from the table. He maneuvers his way through the round tables and café-goers, breathing only when he finally makes it outside.
.
.
Tina and Mercedes are now taking their turn to visit Quinn, and Kurt, Blaine, Finn, Rachel, and Puck are left in the waiting room. Kurt's fallen asleep with his hand on Blaine's shoulder, Blaine's jacket wrapped around him.
Blaine is too anxious to even be tired. His mind is racing, thoughts babbling against his ears. His leg is shaking, and he can't seem to look away from the ground. He feels guilty. Everyone probably thinks he's worried about Quinn, but he's not. Well, he is, but there are bigger things he's worried about.
Like the fact that he can feel himself slipping.
It's been a week and a half since David's suicide attempt, but the triggers are still fresh to Blaine. In reality, they're getting worse. This past week everyone in glee club has opened up, spoken their secrets, their fears, their weaknesses - except for Blaine. It's just the way he is. He bottles everything up until it explodes out of him. He knows it's not good for him, but he's never been able to do it any other way.
And right now, Blaine is . . . overwhelmed.
He's always blocked out the darkness from his past, but now it's come back and slapped him in the face. It continues to stay with him, dancing in front of his face - taunting him.
Blaine presses his thumb against the inside of his wrist, feeling the small scars there. He hates that the itch has come back, urging him to return to his old habits. He refuses, but each time he does so, the urge only grows.
"Blaine?"
He looks up, startled.
Finn is looking at him with concern. "You okay? You seem a little tense, dude."
Blaine tries to nod, but it comes out as a sharp jerk of his head. "I'm fine," he says for the five-thousandth time in the last few weeks. And just like all the other times, he's lying. "Just - worried about Quinn, you know?"
"She's okay," Finn points out, his eyebrows creasing together. "Blaine, are you sure you - "
"I'mfine," Blaine says more forcefully, and Finn backs off.
Blaine knows he needs to talk about this. He knows that if he keeps going like this, there's a chance he could do something stupid, but he just can't bring himself to speak up.
.
.
"Blaine? Blaine, hey - stop!"
Blaine pays Cooper no attention, but continues on to where his SUV is parked. He yanks open the passenger's seat door and jumps inside, slamming it behind him. Cooper opens the drivers' door within in seconds, poking his head inside.
"Blaine?"
"I wasn't going to talk about it in there," Blaine says calmly.
"Alright," Cooper say, slipping inside. "So will you talk to me now?"
Blaine takes a deep breath. His ears are ringing. He stares blankly ahead, eyes squinted as he says, "Yes. I - I was going to commit suicide. Everyone knows. What's the big deal?"
"What's the big deal?" Cooper asks incredulously. "The big deal is it's suicide, Blaine."
Blaine says nothing. He grips the edge of the seat tightly, and if he looked down, he knows that his knuckles would be white. He can't talk about it. He's been pushing everything back, ignoring all the thoughts that have invaded his mind and the distant feeling that's been drowning him lately.
It's - it's been rough.
It was a struggle to deal with the reminders that came with David's suicide attempt, and Blaine's still trying to fight them off - without any luck. They're growing more intense by the day, and there's nothing he can do but try to distract himself.
And then of course, Quinn got in that car accident.
Everyone turned their attention. Wedding plans were canceled, and people rushed to visit her, trying to balance this new tragedy while still supporting David. And while everyone's rushing around, doing all that they can to help, Blaine's left in the dust, caught in no man's land between wishing they would notice him struggling and relieved that they don't. Occasionally, someone says something. Kurt lowers his voice and asks Blaine how he's feeling, or someone in the glee club makes a comment about how out of it Blaine is. He brushes it off, telling everyone he's tired - he's been worrying too much about Quinn, about David - just like them. He's fine. He is.
But he's not.
"Cooper, I - " he starts, breaking off to take another deep breath. "I'm not okay, Cooper. I'm really not." He turns to look at his brother, feeling the burn behind his eyes. In an instant, Cooper has his arms wrapped around him, holding him tight.
Blaine hiccups a few times before pulling back. He sniffles and takes a few more deep breaths to calm himself. "I just - this hasn't been easy for me. I - I keep thinking about everything that happened back then. I've been having nightmares again."
"Oh, Blaine," Cooper sighs, resting his hand on his brother's upper arm.
"And even before everything that happened, I hadn't been doing well. I mean, you heard about the surgery. And I just - I don't feel like I belong at McKinley sometimes. Glee club's great, yeah, but it's - it's not Dalton, Coop. And there's no way Mom and Dad would let me transfer back." He heaves a sigh. "Not that the Warblers probably even want me back. And - and you know, Kurt's helping me through everything. He's extremely supportive, but I just - worry about next year. When he leaves, I don't - he won't be here to help me. I'm worried I'll relapse. The bullying's sure to pick up when I'm the only gay kid at McKinley, and without Kurt - without Rachel and Finn, I just - I don't know what I'll do."
Cooper hugs him again, and Blaine doesn't pull back.
"Well, I'm glad I came back," Cooper says heavily. "Kid, you're a mess." He straightens up, rubbing Blaine's back. "Buckle up. We're getting out of here."
Blaine wipes his eyes, sniffling again. "Where are we going?"
"To see your boyfriend," Cooper replies, starting the car. "And have a nice, long chat."
Blaine stifles back a groan as they drive away, but honestly, he's kind of relieved. He's been trying to figure out a way to approach this subject without scaring Kurt.
"Hey, Cooper?" Blaine asks.
"Yeah?"
"Thanks."
"Any time, B. Any time."