fic: to live in the shadow (10/15)
Title: To Live in the Shadow
Pairing: Kurt/Blaine
Rating: NC-17 overall; NC-17 for this part
Word Count: 39,477 overall; 3,873 for this part
Warning!: alcohol and substance abuse; symptoms of depression (overall); talk of minor character death, frottage, handjobs (this part)
Summary: Blaine Anderson is an A-list movie star, struggling to get through the chaos of his life. He’s been caught stumbling drunk from countless bars, barely escaped a charge of drug possession, and is now on his way to losing everything. But a huge contract for a highly anticipated movie could turn his life around and help him get back on track. However, when he hires a new personal stylist by the name of Kurt Hummel, he finds it even more difficult to concentrate on recovery. Kurt gets under his skin, irritating him immensely. But as he tries everything to get rid of Kurt, he finds himself growing closer to this man than he ever thought he would.
"You ready?" Kurt asks.
"More than ready," Blaine replies, and Kurt grins widely.
A/N: I'm really nervous right now. This is the first time I've ever posted smut so now I'll just say my endless thank yous to all of you and quickly sneak away.
Blaine runs his gel-slathered fingers through his hair one last time, making sure it's not too puffy, but not like it's painted to his head either. After washing his hands under the faucet, he takes a step back, cocking his head and looking at his outfit. Pursing his lips, he decides to unbutton the top button of his shirt. This is a date, but it's not like it's nothing formal.
With a sigh, Blaine exits the bathroom, returning to his room to grab his wallet and keys. His stomach is swarming with butterflies, and even though Kurt hasn't picked him up yet, he's freaking out.
He just really doesn't want to screw this up. He wants this to go perfectly because maybe, he'll finally get a meaningful, honest, and worthwhile relationship out of this. Maybe this will lead to more dates in the future, and holding-handing and kissing and snuggling during rainy days.
And this is how Blaine knows Kurt means so much more. He's thinking about all they can do beyond sex and drinking. He's thinking about lazy afternoons spent doing nothing and nights where they just stay inside and watch movies. He's thinking about moving together already for Christ's sake, and - Blaine takes a second to shake his head, telling himself to go through this slowly.
He can't mess this up.
Blaine stuffs his wallet and his keys into his pocket, and with one last deep breath, hurries outside. Kurt is waiting, pulled up to the curb of the front lawn, and an unshakable smile spreads across Blaine's face. He hurries to the passenger side of the car and ducks inside.
"You ready?" Kurt asks.
"More than ready," Blaine replies, and Kurt grins widely as he pulls away from the Anderson manor.
.
.
This place is nice, much more so than Blaine's used to. He's used to crawling through near-darkness, often slopping his drink all over himself. Sweaty bodies pressed together and unfamiliar odors assaulting his nose. This place is far from shady; dignified and high society.
He looks around at the low-hanging lights surrounded by shades of all colors. The bar, the stools, and the tables are all nice, dark wood, and people mill around with an air of dignity. There's a dress code here; people are proper and impressive, and Kurt blends right in with them. Thank god Blaine had used Kurt's clothes for him as an example, otherwise he'd stick out like a sore thumb.
Another thing that's different about this bar is the people especially. And not just the social class. While the people at Blaine's usual places never recognized him (whether it's because they hardly made it out to the rest of the world or because they were too wasted), the people here lower their voices as he walks by, turning their head slowly and staring after him.
But today, he doesn't care.
This is him not paying anyone any mind. This is him doing what he wants for once. This is him showing people that he's capable of being someone other than the person stumbling drunk through the tabloids. This is him shedding his layers and taking a step towards being the person he wants to be.
He's ditching the Friday nights of drinking until he's sick and going out on a date simply to have a good time. To get to know someone and strengthen a relationship. It's good for him.
Kurt turns back as he reaches the bar, making sure Blaine is still right behind him.
"No alcohol, right?" he asks, and Blaine nods.
"No alcohol."
Kurt slides onto one of the stools and orders himself a cocktail and Blaine a Shirley Temple. Blaine follows suit, sitting right next to him, and keeps his eyes away from the crowd of people he knows are staring at him.
"So," Kurt says, leaning on his elbow and facing Blaine. "Did you manage to come here without a lecture?"
Blaine smiles. "Actually, yes. I didn't exactly tell my parents I was going out to a bar. They think I'm at Jeff's."
Kurt laughs. "You sound like such a teenager right now."
"Well, if I'm going to be treated like one . . ." Blaine replies.
Kurt nods, understanding.
Blaine shifts his weight. "Enough about my parents," he says. "You haven't told me about yours. Or much about yourself, actually. You said there's still a ton I don't know about you, so go on."
"Well," Kurt starts - pausing to take his drink with a word of thanks from the bartender. "My dad's back in Ohio, running an auto shop. And my mom's dead."
Blaine nearly chokes on his Shirley Temple. "Oh my god," he says. "Kurt, I didn't - I'm sorry."
Kurt laughs, shaking his head. "It was thirteen years ago. I'm fine, Blaine."
"Well, what a great way to start a date," Blaine mutters, his eyebrows raised.
Kurt snorts, leaning back with ease. "Off the subject of parents - how's filming?"
Blaine shrugs. "It's fine."
"You know," Kurt says, "you really don't seem excited about this movie. And yet - I thought you really loved the story, the characters . . . "
Blaine nods, letting out a small sigh. "Yeah," he says, pursing his lips. "I really don't know what it is," he says, looking at Kurt. "I mean, I love being there, I love acting, I love the cast and the crew, but something just doesn't feel right, you know?"
"What do you mean?" Kurt asks, his eyebrows creasing together.
"I don't really know," Blaine admits. "But it's been there since the beginning - since the audition. I just have this incomplete, sort of empty feeling. I just - I don't get that same fulfilling feeling I used to get when I was acting."
"I'm sorry," is all Kurt can think to say. "Do - do you think it's just this movie?"
"Maybe," Blaine says. "But - there is something I've always wanted to try. Other than acting that is."
"Singing?" Kurt guesses with a smirk, and Blaine blinks, taken aback.
"How'd you know?" he asks.
"Please," Kurt says. "You play your guitar every day, humming under your breath the whole time, and you may not realize it, but you sing sometimes too - quietly. And don't think I haven't caught you scribbling in those notebooks. You write songs, don't you?"
Blaine nods slowly, and then shakes his head in amazement. "You're - you're just so perceptive."
"Yeah," Kurt agrees, nodding. "It's a quality that tends to get me in trouble."
Blaine says nothing, but sits, pondering what that could possibly mean.
Kurt takes a sip of his cocktail, and pulling it back away from his lips, he smirks at Blaine's thoughtful and confused expression.
"Hey," he says, setting his drink down on the bar counter. "Do you want to go dance?"
Blaine presses his lips together. "I - I don't know. I shou - "
"Oh, come on," Kurt urges.
"As long as we don't stand too close," Blaine says. "I mean, I know we're supposed to be on a date," he says in a low voice, "but there's going to be enough rumors as it is, and I - "
"I understand," Kurt assures, and he hops down from his stool, waiting for Blaine.
With a sigh, Blaine follows, and the two of them head out to the dance floor, lost quickly in the sea of people.
.
.
They're sweaty now, hot and just a little breathless. Kurt's working on another cocktail, and he's just the slightest bit tipsy. It's a little odd for Blaine to be the sober one, but Kurt's adorable, and he's having fun - so no complaints here.
"Oh, God," Kurt mutters. "I probably don't even want to know what my hair looks like."
"It looks fine," Blaine assures. "Perfect."
Kurt collapses back onto a stool, pulling his drink close to him.
The pulse of a bass and beat of the drums stop, and everyone looks towards the stage as the music fades, where people are setting up microphones and stools, piling up a couple of battered guitars and a keyboard on the wings.
"Excuse me, everyone," a man says into the microphone, "if we could have your attention please."
The room is mostly quiet, attention focused on the stage.
"It's about time to start karaoke, and as soon as these guys are done setting up - " he gestures to the men behind him, " - we'd love for you to come on up and give it a shot. We've got every track you can think of on our speaker system, or if you want - you could play the song on the instruments we have up here. So, as soon as we're ready, feel free to come up."
Kurt turns towards Blaine, grabbing his shoulder. "Blaine," he says seriously. "Blaine, we have to go up."
"You sing?" Blaine asks with a smirk.
Kurt nods, rolling his eyes. "Don't pretend like you don't hear me in my office every so often."
Blaine laughs. "Hey, good thing you sound great."
Kurt fights a blush, biting his lip.
"So?" he asks. "We're going up there, right?"
Blaine opens his mouth as if to say something and then stops, looking apprehensive. "I don't know if I should."
Kurt doesn't say anything, but waits, knowing that Blaine will convince himself.
"But I want to," he says quietly. "I just don't know . . . the media, my parents - " he breaks off, chewing on his cheek. "You know what," he says. "Fuck it. Let's go."
However, there's already a line of people waiting by the time Kurt and Blaine reach the stage, so they settle themselves behind two young ladies and watch as people perform a range of hits from the 80's and 90's.
"What are we singing?" Blaine asks in Kurt's ear as they watch the two girls set up.
Kurt thinks for just a moment. "Do you like the Beatles, Blaine?"
.
.
Blaine sits on a stool, guitar resting on his lap. He finds himself smiling up at Kurt, who's setting up his microphone.
"Hey, everyone," Kurt says brightly. "My name's Kurt, and this is Blaine - " he points a hand to his right, and well, if people didn't recognize him before, they sure do now. "And we'll be singing 'Blackbird' by the Beatles."
He leans away from the mic as Blaine begins to strum.
Dum. Dum. Dum. Dum.
He lets Blaine play a few more seconds before jumping in.
"Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these broken wings and learn to fly. All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise."
Kurt taps his foot, swaying a little to Blaine's chords. As he sings again, Blaine joins, harmonizing.
"Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these sunken eyes and learn to see. All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to be free."
Kurt moves into the chorus, losing himself even more into the music.
"Blackbird, fly, fly. Blackbird, fly, fly, into the light of the dark, black night."
Blaine watches Kurt, and as he beats his hand against his thigh, humming into the mic, Blaine freezes, stumbling over the chords. He quickly recovers, swallowing hard, but Kurt doesn't seem to have noticed.
Kurt sings again, and Blaine lets him go solo.
"Blackbird, fly, fly. Blackbird, fly, fly, into the light of the dark, black night."
And there's something swelling inside Blaine's chest. He can't explain it, but now he's looking at Kurt, and suddenly the world seems brighter, he sees things more clearly, hears things a little better. Blaine sits up straighter, watching Kurt in awe.
It's like a switch has been flipped on.
Yes, Kurt has always been attractive, but now Blaine's looking at him, and he's positively angelic. His hair swished backward, light and soft as it curves away from his forehead. His blue-green eyes sparkle in the stage light, and his rosy cheeks match his tender lips.
He's beautiful, Blaine thinks, and his mouth goes dry.
Kurt looks back now, closing his mouth, and as the next verse comes up, he motions for Blaine to sing the solo. Blaine nods ever so slightly and nervously moves closer to his mic.
"Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these broken wings and learn to fly. All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise. You were only waiting for this moment to arise - " and Kurt joins him again. "You were only waiting for this moment to arise."
On the last strum, Kurt watches the way Blaine's face is lit up, his smile spread from ear to ear. He doesn't think he's ever seen Blaine so alive, so happy, and it - wow. It makes Kurt's heart race. Without the security of alcohol, Blaine's been free to be himself. He's been free to do what he wants, and Kurt really likes seeing this side to him.
Blaine reaches for Kurt's hand as they bow, and a little thrill goes through Kurt.
Blaine laughs a little as the rest of the bar claps for them, hollering and whistling, and Kurt's knees feel weak. He knew he liked Blaine before, but this is something different entirely. He feels breathless, weightless, and his head is spinning.
"You're incredible," Kurt breathes as they walk to the stairs leading offstage.
Blaine puts the guitar back, and stands up slowly, smiling so honestly and so proudly that Kurt feels a whimper move up his throat. He swallows hard and smiles back.
"Seriously?" Blaine asks. "I mean, personally, I thought that was pretty mediocre," he says with a shrug.
Kurt shakes his head, still breathless. "No - you really are amazing."
Blaine notices his change in behavior now - how careful Kurt is being, how soft his voice is, and how his eyes are practically smoldering.
"Kurt - "
"Let's go," Kurt says. "Let's get out of here."
"Where are we - "
"Wherever you want," Kurt replies.
.
.
Blaine pulls into the driveway and, thankfully, the lights along the cement are still lit up.
"Where are we?" Kurt asks quietly.
"My house," Blaine replies. "We'll have much more privacy here than my parents."
Kurt doesn't reply; he can't seem to find his voice.
Blaine parks the car haphazardly near the front steps leading up to the door. He pulls the keys from the ignition, but doesn't get out. Instead he just takes a deep breath, letting out an almost hysterical laugh.
"What?" Kurt asks.
Blaine shakes his head. "Nothing," he says. "No - well, everything."
Kurt's eyebrows crease together, but Blaine doesn't elaborate.
"Come on," he says suddenly. "Let's go inside."
Kurt nods, and opens his door, standing up and stretching for a second. Blaine offers his hand, and Kurt takes it, entwining their fingers as they walk towards the front door of the house.
Inside, Blaine flicks on the front lights and, once they reach it, the living room lights. He sets Kurt's keys on the coffee table and collapses onto the couch. Kurt settles down next to him.
The sit in silence for what feels like an eternity, but there's not a problem with it. They're content and happy, completely at ease, as if they've done this a thousand times. As if they've lived together for years and silent nights like this are just a part of their routine.
Kurt leans his head back against the couch, sighing. "I had a really great time tonight," he says softly, eyes sparkling against the dim light as he blinks.
Blaine smiles, nodding. "I did too," he replies. "I don't think I've ever had that much fun. It felt good to do that - to be so carefree."
"Happiness looks good on you," Kurt says, grinning.
And god, Blaine just cannot take it. Kurt's smile, his eyes, the way he's leaning his head back, exposing his neck, his flushed cheeks and rosy lips. Blaine leans forward carefully, eyes flickering all around Kurt's face, his eyes asking Kurt, "Is this okay?" before at last Kurt moves upward, pressing their lips together.
Immediately, Blaine's heart swells in his chest, a blush creeping up his neck and pooling in his cheeks. He shifts his weight, carefully bringing up his hand to cup Kurt's jaw. Kurt retaliates, his fingers sliding into Blaine's hair, and his whole body straightening up.
They move slow, breathing each other in and kissing earnestly.
Kurt's lips are warm and soft, and they feel amazing against Blaine's, pushing and parting, and now Kurt's breath is hot and hard against Blaine's mouth as he gasps for air. Kurt comes right back in, careful and gentle, and god, Blaine's feeling so many things at once.
Mostly, he just can't believe this is happening. All his worries over this relationship are quickly melting away, losing their coldness in the heat that is Kurt's body pressed close to his. His heart is filled with this certain pressure, and it takes away that empty feeling that's always been there. Kurt's filling the emptiness inside him, and it's wonderful. It's wonderful, it's incredible, it's perfect.
And he feels stupid for ever trying to deny it.
He wants Kurt. That's all he wants. He wants to hold him, to kiss him, to love him. He wants Kurt to be his everything and he wants to be Kurt's everything. He just wants this to be his life - now and forever.
And as they keep kissing, Blaine just wants more of Kurt right now.
Blaine feels Kurt's lips part, and now his tongue is flicking against Blaine's lips, urging him to open them. Blaine obliges, and feels Kurt's warm breath against his mouth. He moves his tongue forward, finding Kurt's, and he can almost feel the electricity buzzing through both of them.
But it's not enough; he wants more.
He straightens up, moving himself closer to Kurt, and keeping his lips locked on Kurt's, moves his hands from Kurt's jaw to his hips. Kurt doesn't protest at all, but allows Blaine to straddle him. A little thrill goes through Blaine when he feels the erection pressing against Kurt's jeans. He grinds their hips together, pressing his cock hard against Kurt, creating a satisfactory friction. Kurt gasps against Blaine's mouth, a small whine escaping his lips.
Blaine smiles, moving faster, letting out a groan, and here's where the animalistic side of him surfaces. Kurt weakens underneath him, his breath uneven.
"God," Kurt blurts out, his voice low and raspy.
And it only fuels Blaine's confidence and desires. He presses his lips back to Kurt's, silencing him as he begins to grind slower, stringing out the friction, and he knows he's driving Kurt crazy.
"No - " Kurt says quickly, voice shaky. "Don't - fuck - don't stop."
"Oh, I don't plan on it," Blaine murmurs, and he thrusts his hips a little harder.
Kurt groans heavily in return, his fingers scraping between Blaine's shoulder blades as his grips tightly to the fabric of Blaine's shirt.
"How about I try something a little different?" Blaine asks, and his fingers move fast, undoing Kurt's belt and pulling down his zipper.
"Yes," Kurt says. "Oh - god. Please, yes."
Blaine toys with the waistband of Kurt's underwear before finally giving in.
Kurt's breath is already uneven when he feels Blaine's fingers slip into his underwear. Light and gentle, his fingers move carefully until they're wrapped around Kurt's cock. Kurt's breath hitches, and he feels his hips thrust forward slightly.
"You like that, do you?" Blaine mutters, and he tugs gently.
Kurt moans, loud, almost frustrated, and he pulls himself closer to Blaine, reattaching their lips. Blaine kisses right back, going straight for tongue. He keeps his hand where it is, but loosens his grip, and just when Kurt thinks he's safe, Blaine strokes his length and Kurt breaks apart their lips, breathing hard.
But apparently, Blaine's lips need to be occupied, because he starts trailing kisses along Kurt's jaw line. He moves quickly down to Kurt's neck, where he sucks softly, a small moan escaping his lips. Kurt's skin is so soft, so smooth, so warm, and it feels fantastic against his mouth. He strokes Kurt again, and Kurt arches his back.
"Fuck," he hisses. "I'm - I'm going to come."
"Not yet, you aren't," Blaine replies.
He pulls his hand from Kurt's underwear, and leans forward, pressing Kurt backward onto the couch until he's hovering over him, his hands placed on either side of Kurt. He pulls away from Kurt's neck for a just a moment, his voice low, almost a whisper, as he says, "I want to suck you so bad right now. I want you to come down my throat."
Kurt says nothing, but he looks straight into Blaine's eyes. And it's obvious from the flush of his cheeks, the tousle of his hair, and the glint in his blue eyes, that Kurt's not protesting. Blaine resumes kissing Kurt's neck however, trailing kisses down it and then, unbuttoning Kurt's shirt as he goes, moves to his collarbone.
"No," Kurt says. "Now. Please - just suck me now."
Blaine grins against Kurt's abdomen, only moving his lips slower, more gentle. He moves his hands back down to Kurt's underwear, pulling them down slowly.
"Please," Kurt tries again, he can feel a warmth coiling in his gut and he's not going to last much longer. "Blaine, please."
And then it's like a light clicks on.
There's a sudden ringing in Kurt's ears, and it's like he's woken up from a dream. A dream he hadn't realized was a nightmare.
Blaine.
Oh, god.
No - no he can't do this. He let himself go on that date. And it was amazing and it was perfect, but - but he only went because he thought they were going to take things slowly, ease into this relationship and make it last. But now he's desperately pleading Blaine for a blowjob and he can't do this anymore.
This is ending up exactly the way Kurt didn't want it to.
They go on one date, they fuck, and by next week Blaine's going to kick him to the curb. It'll be just like any other Hollywood relationship. Except Kurt's not going to let that happen.
It's obvious Blaine felt Kurt freeze underneath him and he stops, looking anxiously towards his face.
"What's wrong?" Blaine asks. "Did I hurt you? I didn't mean to. I - "
"No," Kurt says quickly. "I'm okay - I just - "
"Then what's the matter?"
Kurt shakes his head, scooting out from underneath Blaine. Blaine sits up straighter, giving him space and Kurt sits up, his belt clacking as he moves. He runs a hand through his damp hair, heaving a sigh.
"Kurt?" Blaine presses, and his hand reaches out.
"I'm sorry," Kurt says quickly, and he stands up, zipping his pants and fixing his belt.
"About what?" Blaine says, and he stands up too. "Kurt, what's - what's going on?"
"Blaine, I'm sorry," he repeats. "But I can't - I can't do this."
He shakes his head again, his mouth parted as if he wants to say something more, but he doesn't. He turns and walks quickly from the room, only dashing back to grab his keys before rushing out Blaine's front door and out to his car.
.
part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 | part 6 | part 7 | part 8 | part 9 | part 11