i bleed the greed from my arm
i feel like crap. read a post on ryl which i really shouldn't have read. it had a trig on it, so it's my own fault. stupid fat cow
i had a rugby match yesterday, we won 44-15 which was good although i played like shit. rugby again today and everything hurts. the thing is, i feel great rigth after, but then i guess i must use my obviously limited supply of serotonin/endorphins up so then i just feel like utter crap after. yeah.
i bought a new rugby shirt this morning, the lady gave me a size small. there is no fucking way on this earth that i am a small. it fits, but i bet their sizes are just fucked up. i can't believe i'm underweight and still so fat. how can they not see it? the bmi thing must be wrong. i mean, i'm tall, so that's probably why. i was looking at photos yesterday, there was one of me but i didn't realise. for one moment, i saw myself objectively. i'm thin. way too thin. i could see all the bones protruding out of my flesh. especially my ribs, but my hips, knees, arms, collar bones too. even my shoulder blades are sharp, honed to perfection. but then i realised it was me. and in that second, all the self-disgust came straight back. i dont understand how my vision can be that distorted. i've always been able to see things objectively. but i cant. i dont even know whats real anymore. im so confused. ive ate way too much, and have been exercisng for 3hrs. i feel like im about to collapse. i nearly passed out in the shower. i jusdt want to be anorexic weight. i can do it. i just need to stop binging.
i got my exam results abck today; 4 a's. yay. 88/90 in two, 84/90 in the other two. i know i shud be proud, but i really couldn't care less.
oh, here's the picture thing i was on about. shite but i don't care.
i cant even be fucked to write properly. i will post some jimmy lyrics:
I see it around me, I see it in everything.
I could be so much more than this.
I said my goodbyes, this is my sundown.
I'm gonna be so much more than this.
With one hand high, you'll show them your progress.
You'll take your time, but no one cares.
No one cares.
I need you to show me the way from crazy.
I wanna be so much more than this.
With one hand high, you'll show them your progress.
You'll take your time, but no one cares.
No one cares.
I could be so much more than this.
No one cares.
I wanna be so much more than this.
No one cares.
Good goodbye lovely time.
Good goodbye tin sunshine.
Good goodbye I'll be fine.
Good goodbye, good goodnight.
i need to cry. i wish i could cry. maybe then this hurt wouldnt just be locked inside screaming to get out.
i had a rugby match yesterday, we won 44-15 which was good although i played like shit. rugby again today and everything hurts. the thing is, i feel great rigth after, but then i guess i must use my obviously limited supply of serotonin/endorphins up so then i just feel like utter crap after. yeah.
i bought a new rugby shirt this morning, the lady gave me a size small. there is no fucking way on this earth that i am a small. it fits, but i bet their sizes are just fucked up. i can't believe i'm underweight and still so fat. how can they not see it? the bmi thing must be wrong. i mean, i'm tall, so that's probably why. i was looking at photos yesterday, there was one of me but i didn't realise. for one moment, i saw myself objectively. i'm thin. way too thin. i could see all the bones protruding out of my flesh. especially my ribs, but my hips, knees, arms, collar bones too. even my shoulder blades are sharp, honed to perfection. but then i realised it was me. and in that second, all the self-disgust came straight back. i dont understand how my vision can be that distorted. i've always been able to see things objectively. but i cant. i dont even know whats real anymore. im so confused. ive ate way too much, and have been exercisng for 3hrs. i feel like im about to collapse. i nearly passed out in the shower. i jusdt want to be anorexic weight. i can do it. i just need to stop binging.
i got my exam results abck today; 4 a's. yay. 88/90 in two, 84/90 in the other two. i know i shud be proud, but i really couldn't care less.
oh, here's the picture thing i was on about. shite but i don't care.
i cant even be fucked to write properly. i will post some jimmy lyrics:
I see it around me, I see it in everything.
I could be so much more than this.
I said my goodbyes, this is my sundown.
I'm gonna be so much more than this.
With one hand high, you'll show them your progress.
You'll take your time, but no one cares.
No one cares.
I need you to show me the way from crazy.
I wanna be so much more than this.
With one hand high, you'll show them your progress.
You'll take your time, but no one cares.
No one cares.
I could be so much more than this.
No one cares.
I wanna be so much more than this.
No one cares.
Good goodbye lovely time.
Good goodbye tin sunshine.
Good goodbye I'll be fine.
Good goodbye, good goodnight.
i need to cry. i wish i could cry. maybe then this hurt wouldnt just be locked inside screaming to get out.