Ignoranus - someone who's both ignorant and an asshole.
Wow. I've had some last few days.
I had my exam yesterday. It went really well, I'm so relieved. That it's over and that I didn't totally screw it up I suppose.
Then I had my doctor's appointment this afternoon. I feel sick and sad and tired, but it went well. I've decided that I really don't want to go to Uni this year. I'm going to take a gap year I think; do something for myself. I hate letting my parents down, they have such high expectations, expectations which I don't even nearly have for myself. But I've realised that I can't go on pleasing everybody else forever, while I drown in apathy and bloody tears of regret. I want to get out; see the world, do something I enjoy. Go abroad maybe. Help people. Live my life my way, instead of the way that everybody else wants me to live it. I feel relieved now that I've decided that. The appointment today has really cleared my head, made me see things more objectively. Thinking is so hard, my head is so full of noise. But I feel a little more in control; less overwhelmed by myself and my future.
I got caught smoking yesterday. I was in the graveyard with Tim; talking, smoking, numb and empty. Mr Thomas walked past. He told me to drop the cigarette. Like the stubborn cunt I am, however, I didn't and took a long drag. Smiled sweetly at him. Fucking hilarious. Anyway, he got really fucking pissed off at that, so Tim told me to put it down. So I did. I listen to people I like and respect; not some ignorant wanker.
He told us we were being 'disrespectful' to do the dead. Why would they give a flying fuck what I do really because, you know, there's that small problem of them being DEAD. Isn't there, you utter fuckwit. I really had to bite my tongue to not say that to his face. Talk about needing to get their priorities sorted. It's only a cigarette for fucks sake. I'm 17. I don't need patronising.
It's not like we were being disrespectful anyway. There weren't any people mourning, we were being quiet and respectful; we weren't lounging on the gravestones, defacing them, or even pulling nasty faces at all the poor decaying dead people. Jeez.
If someone said that to me out of school, I'd blow smoke in their face and shove my smouldering cigarette up their ASS. But no. Here I am a meaningless piece of shit.
I don't know why this angers me so much. I found a quote, however, which sums their ignorance up perfectly.
'You're obliged to pretend respect for people and institutions you think absurd. You live attached in a cowardly fashion to moral and social conventions you despise, condemn and know lack all foundation. It is that permanent contradiction between your ideas and desires and all the dead formalities and vain pretenses of your civilisation which makes you sad, trouble and unbalanced. In that intolerable conflict your lose all joy of life and all feeling of personality, because at every moment they suppress and restrain and check the free play of your powers. That's the poisoned and mortal wound of the civilized world.'
The torture garden - Octave Mirbeau.
I love that quote. I'm so tired of this all.
'Where do I take this pain of mine. I run, but it stays right by my side. TEAR ME OPEN'
I had my exam yesterday. It went really well, I'm so relieved. That it's over and that I didn't totally screw it up I suppose.
Then I had my doctor's appointment this afternoon. I feel sick and sad and tired, but it went well. I've decided that I really don't want to go to Uni this year. I'm going to take a gap year I think; do something for myself. I hate letting my parents down, they have such high expectations, expectations which I don't even nearly have for myself. But I've realised that I can't go on pleasing everybody else forever, while I drown in apathy and bloody tears of regret. I want to get out; see the world, do something I enjoy. Go abroad maybe. Help people. Live my life my way, instead of the way that everybody else wants me to live it. I feel relieved now that I've decided that. The appointment today has really cleared my head, made me see things more objectively. Thinking is so hard, my head is so full of noise. But I feel a little more in control; less overwhelmed by myself and my future.
I got caught smoking yesterday. I was in the graveyard with Tim; talking, smoking, numb and empty. Mr Thomas walked past. He told me to drop the cigarette. Like the stubborn cunt I am, however, I didn't and took a long drag. Smiled sweetly at him. Fucking hilarious. Anyway, he got really fucking pissed off at that, so Tim told me to put it down. So I did. I listen to people I like and respect; not some ignorant wanker.
He told us we were being 'disrespectful' to do the dead. Why would they give a flying fuck what I do really because, you know, there's that small problem of them being DEAD. Isn't there, you utter fuckwit. I really had to bite my tongue to not say that to his face. Talk about needing to get their priorities sorted. It's only a cigarette for fucks sake. I'm 17. I don't need patronising.
It's not like we were being disrespectful anyway. There weren't any people mourning, we were being quiet and respectful; we weren't lounging on the gravestones, defacing them, or even pulling nasty faces at all the poor decaying dead people. Jeez.
If someone said that to me out of school, I'd blow smoke in their face and shove my smouldering cigarette up their ASS. But no. Here I am a meaningless piece of shit.
I don't know why this angers me so much. I found a quote, however, which sums their ignorance up perfectly.
'You're obliged to pretend respect for people and institutions you think absurd. You live attached in a cowardly fashion to moral and social conventions you despise, condemn and know lack all foundation. It is that permanent contradiction between your ideas and desires and all the dead formalities and vain pretenses of your civilisation which makes you sad, trouble and unbalanced. In that intolerable conflict your lose all joy of life and all feeling of personality, because at every moment they suppress and restrain and check the free play of your powers. That's the poisoned and mortal wound of the civilized world.'
The torture garden - Octave Mirbeau.
I love that quote. I'm so tired of this all.
'Where do I take this pain of mine. I run, but it stays right by my side. TEAR ME OPEN'