IVF #1 Completed
Instead of writing that my first IVF cycle was a failure, I wanted to shore up any positive feelings I have left from probably one of the worst experiences of my life and say that I am proud I completed and lived through this.
The experience of IVF is probably one I would never wish on my worst enemy. Starting each morning with a literal pinprick of fear as you self-inject isn't great. Feeling the emotions and 'you-ness' drain out of you as part of the hormonal changes isn't great. Night sweats, hot flashes, daily cramps, body aches and pains. An emotional rollercoaster of hope and disappointment within a short span of time. Not great.
The worst? Putting my life on hold for 1.5 months as I could no longer be the 'me' I am - any desire to be me in any way. To try new experiences, to do anything, to want anything, pretty much dissipated. Complete disinterest in life - isn't that basically depression? For 1.5 months, I was boiled down to a physical shell completely at the mercy of those drugs and the cycle I was put on.
The total and absolute lack of control over something that really should be something basic and essential (though absolutely never taken for granted) is enough to bring any woman to their literal knees, honestly, not trying to sound overly dramatic.
The plan? I intend to reassert control over my life and move forward by educating myself and taking some actionable steps to improve my chances before any thought of trying again. Instead of the hubris of thinking I could be that 40% success statistic for IVF at a young age and with no known or diagnosed infertility issues. Never again will I do this without feeling 100% completely emotionally and physically prepared.
Anyone out there, if you feel alone, worried or thinking of embarking on this journey, if you're reading this, you have a friend in me. Love to chat and share my experience anytime.