exercising my options or how i
to be honest, this is more for me than it is for you. feel free to read it and absolutely feel free to comment, but mostly i am putting it here so i'll have it for myself. now smoochie to you and la de dah.
here's a good long ramble for you. first, let me say that i do not think i am more evolved or better equipped to handle all of life's bruises. i think about issues of body image a lot, but i certainly don't have all the answers. it's not "my way or the highway," these are just my thoughts.
and a piece of information to contextualize the following: i've been going to yoga once or twice a week since early december. as the largest person in the class, i feel i have a somewhat different experience than others. certainly other individuals in the class are processing their own set of issues, but for me that perspective lends a lot to my view of the experience. onwards:
from my journal earlier today:
i am very hesitant about tossing around the words "health" and "fitness" because i believe they are often coded with double meanings of diet (which to me equals dissatisfaction and spending money) and conformity. in the years since i've felt aware of the insidious marketing opportunities behind such seemingly above-the-board concepts, i've had a hard time figuring out in my own head how to explain that stance with the additional factor that of course i want to feel good and be healthy and strong. for a while i just said i wanted to be strong. but that wasn't the whole truth. i want to be flexible. i want to feel comfortable and able everyday. i want to have endurance and power. i had this thought today on the way to work, and it's so small, but that's what all the big ideas are, i think: small thoughts. to start, honestly of primary importance to me, and also the most work for me, is feeling psychologically ok in my own skin instead of being in the mindset of working to get to a point when i plan to feel good about myself--feeling good right now. so it's tricky to meld a desire for all those things strong/flexible/powered things into the psychologically-ok concept, because doesn't wanting to be more fit belie a desire to improve? to be ok in a while but not now (a while that never comes)? and then i thought (and this is the totally tiny though radical part of it all): what if the desire for fitness(still i so hesitate with that word) was to spring from self love, as an outgrowth of feeling good right now rather than an indication of present-day failure? do you get what i'm saying? it's totally subtle, but (i think) a hugely different idea because exercise and the marketing of self improvement are so inextricably tied that really being in that alternate mindset would take a LOT of work, in fact i'm not even sure if it's possible. i hope it is though. that would help me out a lot.
then the above occurs to me in boiled down format as i walk back to work from lunch:
so the real difference is feeling good about yourself as a first hurdle rather than as something you will achieve if and only if you are totally svelte and fit.
and that makes me think about the practical component of the above mindset. i do have a good self-image. for much of my life, i did not. for me, the seeds of this change began to be sowed in college (ironically, because in general i consider college life to be highly toxic to female body image.) and have continued to this day. here's where i reiterate that these are my observations, not The Only Right Way.
the how:
a lot of it is habit. habits that have become as natural as breathing. look in mirror=feel bad, shop for clothes=feel bad, have bad day=if only I were thinner. noticing those habits within myself is the first step and it
here's a good long ramble for you. first, let me say that i do not think i am more evolved or better equipped to handle all of life's bruises. i think about issues of body image a lot, but i certainly don't have all the answers. it's not "my way or the highway," these are just my thoughts.
and a piece of information to contextualize the following: i've been going to yoga once or twice a week since early december. as the largest person in the class, i feel i have a somewhat different experience than others. certainly other individuals in the class are processing their own set of issues, but for me that perspective lends a lot to my view of the experience. onwards:
from my journal earlier today:
i am very hesitant about tossing around the words "health" and "fitness" because i believe they are often coded with double meanings of diet (which to me equals dissatisfaction and spending money) and conformity. in the years since i've felt aware of the insidious marketing opportunities behind such seemingly above-the-board concepts, i've had a hard time figuring out in my own head how to explain that stance with the additional factor that of course i want to feel good and be healthy and strong. for a while i just said i wanted to be strong. but that wasn't the whole truth. i want to be flexible. i want to feel comfortable and able everyday. i want to have endurance and power. i had this thought today on the way to work, and it's so small, but that's what all the big ideas are, i think: small thoughts. to start, honestly of primary importance to me, and also the most work for me, is feeling psychologically ok in my own skin instead of being in the mindset of working to get to a point when i plan to feel good about myself--feeling good right now. so it's tricky to meld a desire for all those things strong/flexible/powered things into the psychologically-ok concept, because doesn't wanting to be more fit belie a desire to improve? to be ok in a while but not now (a while that never comes)? and then i thought (and this is the totally tiny though radical part of it all): what if the desire for fitness(still i so hesitate with that word) was to spring from self love, as an outgrowth of feeling good right now rather than an indication of present-day failure? do you get what i'm saying? it's totally subtle, but (i think) a hugely different idea because exercise and the marketing of self improvement are so inextricably tied that really being in that alternate mindset would take a LOT of work, in fact i'm not even sure if it's possible. i hope it is though. that would help me out a lot.
then the above occurs to me in boiled down format as i walk back to work from lunch:
so the real difference is feeling good about yourself as a first hurdle rather than as something you will achieve if and only if you are totally svelte and fit.
and that makes me think about the practical component of the above mindset. i do have a good self-image. for much of my life, i did not. for me, the seeds of this change began to be sowed in college (ironically, because in general i consider college life to be highly toxic to female body image.) and have continued to this day. here's where i reiterate that these are my observations, not The Only Right Way.
the how:
a lot of it is habit. habits that have become as natural as breathing. look in mirror=feel bad, shop for clothes=feel bad, have bad day=if only I were thinner. noticing those habits within myself is the first step and it