revising. But need to vent in secret
Okay. I know I said that I would give up many things for lent (Anisha) like McCoys Claire!! or chocolate - which I did.. for all of 2 hours.. but I think the one thing I really should have given up should have been men.
It arted out as a game. In fact.. I'm still playing. But I'm annoyed. Because my rules were truthful, and he lied to me, before the game even began.
In case its not clear, and I shan't give too much away, T lied. about something important. I was pissed. I needed kleenex kinda pissed. I yelled much. And at one point was lost for words. I get all silent when I'm mad. and I was very very silent. He's a little wackshit. I wonder... seeing as I still have the upper hand, whether I should Fk it up a little more, and make him realise what the hell he's done? I'm sorry to all of you who met him. and thought he was nice. He lied. He's not who I thought he was, and consuquently, when I introduced him to you, I unknowingly decieved you. I am sorry. I didn't know. He's not who you thought he was. He is indeed a little wengfish from chigwell. But he is unfortunately not made of much more. He is a liar. and decpetion is wrong. No one lies over the age of 10 (doli incapax) and doesn't suffer the consequences. Claire and Ani - thank you for trying to teach me how, but the truth will set you free n all that seems to ring true more often than not. I will however need you to teach me how to keep a poker face.. not that I can play poker.. but thats another thing on your list...lol.
I don't mean to be engmatic. and If you must see all the gory details about how pissed I am, see below the unnamed extract from my msn space. I hadn't the heart to let it all out again. and on top of all of the below - he had he audacity to make out for an hour - whilst i was still in shock. That smacks of attempted manipulation - and we all know who is better at that game. The boy is soo going down. Feel free to give him evils. I do not care. Holly gave him the nastiest look the othernight. I was mega impressed. and I'v told him He's not allowed to see me, or call, or really text. because i need space and time if i'm to get to trust him. which i bloody well don't. I'm just being a cow, cos he doesn'tdeserve to know me and be around my friends. And danny said he was a player. or dodgy. but what did I think? I'm not the kinda gal to get played if you know what I mean. thankfully my marbles are all still there. but this is a deeper lie. Its the whole reason i know him. and its not good. I'm not a happy bunny. so I'm sorry if i misled you and led you believe that he was an okay guy. i know you all went ah... you 2 are so sweet - and ani i kno u thouht he was cute. but you don't even wanna know gf. you do not even wanna know. SO here's my therapy. seeing as i was acting more like a guy than he was, with the whole - yeh I don't want a commitment (doe sthat ring any bells? god wouldn't Jay die if he heard that lol. ) and the whole.. I don't wanna make you do anythign you don't wanna do shit.. anway.. its clear.. i was an only girl for tooo long.. lol. either that.. or i've been hanging with my dudes too much.
anway. the excerpt is below. enjoy. lol. hope you're all well. and ignore my typos, i'm too vexed to correct them.
much love, Jem x
LIES . DECEPTION. WHO ARE YOU?
This is an entry, that will serve little purpose other than to let me get off my chest what I have to say... about something that bugs me. It seems this page is more a mixture of other ppl's confessions, as well as my own... which is kinda cool... I feel like this is a virtual confessional... and occasionally I'm the priest(ess) :P absolving myself for my sins. Weird. But strangely therapeutic.
But today's sermon...Too stung.. I don't even know where to begin.. but in the interests of public disclosure and freedom of speech, this is going up.
Lies. You know there are somethings that ppl can't forgive- like your best friend running off with your husband on your wedding day, your friends trying to ruin your life, sell your dog on e-bay... or worse.. lying to you. Now I hate to sound pious - but lying is bad. we know it. and so we don't do it. [yes Claire, even though you are good at it, excusatory comments don't class as lies]. But if there's one thing I can't stand, it is being lied to. I really really hate it. I take pleasure in surrounding myself with ppl I can trust, and if I don't trust you, I won't speak you - or not as much anyway. My point is... there's this thing that one of my girls used to say when we were in RMS, something about trust being a fine thread, and a knot always being felt where it has been broken.. or something like that.. or that it was easily broken.. can't remember the precise words, but you get what I mean.
So tell me this. When someone lies to you, how are you really really supposed to forgive them? You say that you will - as a temporary fix - but doesn't that elide the fact that you've been betrayed? that can't be fixed so quickly. Especially coming from someone that you gave the benefit of the doubt, and let in when you knew you shouldn't have. A lie that forms the basis of something so fundemental, that to disclose it.... well required some degree of honesty - or was it guilt?!, but a greater degree of stupidity to think that I wouls accept it so easliy without being hurt. But then ppl do stupid things when they're bored don't they? Or maybe the problem is that I trust too easily. In fact, I rarely trust anyone at all. So why did I trust you? I generally assume that people who I'm close to wont lie to me, they have no reason to. So I take what they say to be the truth, until I have reason to believe otherwise. Funny how your little rational theory worked so well here. I wonder. Was it rational to lie? Did you feel happy knowing you'd upset me? Or was that some psychotic trip you were on? Because I can't trust you. You've given me reason not to. There is no knot, because now there is no thread. Simple. So if I can't trust you, extrapolate that out.. what do you think that means?
[Nish - wierdo magnet- don't worry, you're not alone :P ]
And the fact is. I still think you're lying to me. Everytime I speak to you, I wonder - is what you're saying true? Do you reallly feel how you say you do, or is that another lie? Are you really dong what you say you're dong - or wait.. maybe thats yet another lie. What a web of lies you have created - yet some how - a second chance? You don't really deserve it. I haven't lied to you once. I had no need. I don't lie because it serves no purpose. So what did you achieve by lying to me? Making me angry? Getting your way? upsetting me and making me feel bad for you?Did u plan it? I don't know. I will probably never know. Because even if I asked you, and you gave me an answer - I'd never know if it was the truth.
And thats the price you pay for lying. They say the currency of sin is death. I'm sure lying is a sin. Not one that merits death, but I'm sure if you lie enough, when you come to being tried, wieghed and measured, then It may tip the scale. Black spots on your heart don't just come from a lack of faith. They come from the people you hurt. But then maybe you're used to that. Maybe there's just one big black spot - and I just didn't see it, cos I'm too fking naive to see that not everyone is as nice or as honest as they make out to be. Or maybe its just you. Screwing over my perception of the world. God forbid I should have any faith in the goodness of human kind. I'm sure the 10 commandments includes "thou shalt not lie", right next to "thou shalt not steal" "thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, or her jimmy choos" or whatever...
I'd say the ball was in your court, but balls would imply courage of your convictions, and decency. And right now .... I find you lacking.
To the rest of you who still have my trust, stay true. Or risk becoming something you hate.
Criminal revision to do. Duress of circumstances. Fun.
Bises a tous, sauf qu'a toi.
Jem
It arted out as a game. In fact.. I'm still playing. But I'm annoyed. Because my rules were truthful, and he lied to me, before the game even began.
In case its not clear, and I shan't give too much away, T lied. about something important. I was pissed. I needed kleenex kinda pissed. I yelled much. And at one point was lost for words. I get all silent when I'm mad. and I was very very silent. He's a little wackshit. I wonder... seeing as I still have the upper hand, whether I should Fk it up a little more, and make him realise what the hell he's done? I'm sorry to all of you who met him. and thought he was nice. He lied. He's not who I thought he was, and consuquently, when I introduced him to you, I unknowingly decieved you. I am sorry. I didn't know. He's not who you thought he was. He is indeed a little wengfish from chigwell. But he is unfortunately not made of much more. He is a liar. and decpetion is wrong. No one lies over the age of 10 (doli incapax) and doesn't suffer the consequences. Claire and Ani - thank you for trying to teach me how, but the truth will set you free n all that seems to ring true more often than not. I will however need you to teach me how to keep a poker face.. not that I can play poker.. but thats another thing on your list...lol.
I don't mean to be engmatic. and If you must see all the gory details about how pissed I am, see below the unnamed extract from my msn space. I hadn't the heart to let it all out again. and on top of all of the below - he had he audacity to make out for an hour - whilst i was still in shock. That smacks of attempted manipulation - and we all know who is better at that game. The boy is soo going down. Feel free to give him evils. I do not care. Holly gave him the nastiest look the othernight. I was mega impressed. and I'v told him He's not allowed to see me, or call, or really text. because i need space and time if i'm to get to trust him. which i bloody well don't. I'm just being a cow, cos he doesn'tdeserve to know me and be around my friends. And danny said he was a player. or dodgy. but what did I think? I'm not the kinda gal to get played if you know what I mean. thankfully my marbles are all still there. but this is a deeper lie. Its the whole reason i know him. and its not good. I'm not a happy bunny. so I'm sorry if i misled you and led you believe that he was an okay guy. i know you all went ah... you 2 are so sweet - and ani i kno u thouht he was cute. but you don't even wanna know gf. you do not even wanna know. SO here's my therapy. seeing as i was acting more like a guy than he was, with the whole - yeh I don't want a commitment (doe sthat ring any bells? god wouldn't Jay die if he heard that lol. ) and the whole.. I don't wanna make you do anythign you don't wanna do shit.. anway.. its clear.. i was an only girl for tooo long.. lol. either that.. or i've been hanging with my dudes too much.
anway. the excerpt is below. enjoy. lol. hope you're all well. and ignore my typos, i'm too vexed to correct them.
much love, Jem x
LIES . DECEPTION. WHO ARE YOU?
This is an entry, that will serve little purpose other than to let me get off my chest what I have to say... about something that bugs me. It seems this page is more a mixture of other ppl's confessions, as well as my own... which is kinda cool... I feel like this is a virtual confessional... and occasionally I'm the priest(ess) :P absolving myself for my sins. Weird. But strangely therapeutic.
But today's sermon...Too stung.. I don't even know where to begin.. but in the interests of public disclosure and freedom of speech, this is going up.
Lies. You know there are somethings that ppl can't forgive- like your best friend running off with your husband on your wedding day, your friends trying to ruin your life, sell your dog on e-bay... or worse.. lying to you. Now I hate to sound pious - but lying is bad. we know it. and so we don't do it. [yes Claire, even though you are good at it, excusatory comments don't class as lies]. But if there's one thing I can't stand, it is being lied to. I really really hate it. I take pleasure in surrounding myself with ppl I can trust, and if I don't trust you, I won't speak you - or not as much anyway. My point is... there's this thing that one of my girls used to say when we were in RMS, something about trust being a fine thread, and a knot always being felt where it has been broken.. or something like that.. or that it was easily broken.. can't remember the precise words, but you get what I mean.
So tell me this. When someone lies to you, how are you really really supposed to forgive them? You say that you will - as a temporary fix - but doesn't that elide the fact that you've been betrayed? that can't be fixed so quickly. Especially coming from someone that you gave the benefit of the doubt, and let in when you knew you shouldn't have. A lie that forms the basis of something so fundemental, that to disclose it.... well required some degree of honesty - or was it guilt?!, but a greater degree of stupidity to think that I wouls accept it so easliy without being hurt. But then ppl do stupid things when they're bored don't they? Or maybe the problem is that I trust too easily. In fact, I rarely trust anyone at all. So why did I trust you? I generally assume that people who I'm close to wont lie to me, they have no reason to. So I take what they say to be the truth, until I have reason to believe otherwise. Funny how your little rational theory worked so well here. I wonder. Was it rational to lie? Did you feel happy knowing you'd upset me? Or was that some psychotic trip you were on? Because I can't trust you. You've given me reason not to. There is no knot, because now there is no thread. Simple. So if I can't trust you, extrapolate that out.. what do you think that means?
[Nish - wierdo magnet- don't worry, you're not alone :P ]
And the fact is. I still think you're lying to me. Everytime I speak to you, I wonder - is what you're saying true? Do you reallly feel how you say you do, or is that another lie? Are you really dong what you say you're dong - or wait.. maybe thats yet another lie. What a web of lies you have created - yet some how - a second chance? You don't really deserve it. I haven't lied to you once. I had no need. I don't lie because it serves no purpose. So what did you achieve by lying to me? Making me angry? Getting your way? upsetting me and making me feel bad for you?Did u plan it? I don't know. I will probably never know. Because even if I asked you, and you gave me an answer - I'd never know if it was the truth.
And thats the price you pay for lying. They say the currency of sin is death. I'm sure lying is a sin. Not one that merits death, but I'm sure if you lie enough, when you come to being tried, wieghed and measured, then It may tip the scale. Black spots on your heart don't just come from a lack of faith. They come from the people you hurt. But then maybe you're used to that. Maybe there's just one big black spot - and I just didn't see it, cos I'm too fking naive to see that not everyone is as nice or as honest as they make out to be. Or maybe its just you. Screwing over my perception of the world. God forbid I should have any faith in the goodness of human kind. I'm sure the 10 commandments includes "thou shalt not lie", right next to "thou shalt not steal" "thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, or her jimmy choos" or whatever...
I'd say the ball was in your court, but balls would imply courage of your convictions, and decency. And right now .... I find you lacking.
To the rest of you who still have my trust, stay true. Or risk becoming something you hate.
Criminal revision to do. Duress of circumstances. Fun.
Bises a tous, sauf qu'a toi.
Jem