[Curly Ripe Meat] Friendships - Rekindling and Dousing
I had dinner tonight with a lovely friend whom I haven't spent time
with in quite some time. Most recently, it was because I'd accidentally
been using her old email address to invite her to things. But, as
usual, life was also muddying up our social lives as well. She was
surpsised to hear that I also had been making myself more scarce in the
social scene we used to frequent. I expected as much from her, because
she's doing Big Amazing Things. (I'm so proud of her awesome hard work;
you go girl!!!)
Anyhow, we did a lot of catching up, which ended up covering a lot of
stories about growing apart from people and friendships. There were
many reasons discussed, and different circumstances, but for me, I just
kept re-locating on one unanswered question.
When do you hold it against someone that they're not being a great
friend?
It's a tricky question; sort of like trying to decide how much lateness
or flakiness you'll overlook for the sake of a friendship. The same
sort of rationalizing and anxious guilty feelings apply here.
For example; I know I'm not perfect. I wonder whether I've been
slacking on my reaching-out, whether I've been doing enough responding
to internet blasts, whether I've been being a good friend. But then I
think about my awesome best friends who live across the country, and
how much more I hear from them than from some of the folks I used to
feel close to when I was in SF more. So... that's the beginning of the
reflection on growing apart being more disappointing than neutral.
One thing that rekindles friendly intimacy after a gap in closeness is
experiencing surprise at time having passed and joy at reconnecting.
The experience of realizing you've lost touch being simultaneously
surprising and inspiring tends to make good friends stay in more
frequent contact. Contrariwise, when that ritual doesn't occur, it's
disappointing.
Staying in touch takes effort, for sure.
But, call me spoiled.... I think a good friend makes that effort. And
I'm realizing that I'm becoming more interested in focusing my social
energy on fewer but closer friendships. We've all seen our friends'
time be monopolized by different events in their life; marriage, other
friends, hobbies, obsessions. But the kind of friendships I want to
emotionally invest in are those in which my investment is recognized
and matched.
with in quite some time. Most recently, it was because I'd accidentally
been using her old email address to invite her to things. But, as
usual, life was also muddying up our social lives as well. She was
surpsised to hear that I also had been making myself more scarce in the
social scene we used to frequent. I expected as much from her, because
she's doing Big Amazing Things. (I'm so proud of her awesome hard work;
you go girl!!!)
Anyhow, we did a lot of catching up, which ended up covering a lot of
stories about growing apart from people and friendships. There were
many reasons discussed, and different circumstances, but for me, I just
kept re-locating on one unanswered question.
When do you hold it against someone that they're not being a great
friend?
It's a tricky question; sort of like trying to decide how much lateness
or flakiness you'll overlook for the sake of a friendship. The same
sort of rationalizing and anxious guilty feelings apply here.
For example; I know I'm not perfect. I wonder whether I've been
slacking on my reaching-out, whether I've been doing enough responding
to internet blasts, whether I've been being a good friend. But then I
think about my awesome best friends who live across the country, and
how much more I hear from them than from some of the folks I used to
feel close to when I was in SF more. So... that's the beginning of the
reflection on growing apart being more disappointing than neutral.
One thing that rekindles friendly intimacy after a gap in closeness is
experiencing surprise at time having passed and joy at reconnecting.
The experience of realizing you've lost touch being simultaneously
surprising and inspiring tends to make good friends stay in more
frequent contact. Contrariwise, when that ritual doesn't occur, it's
disappointing.
Staying in touch takes effort, for sure.
But, call me spoiled.... I think a good friend makes that effort. And
I'm realizing that I'm becoming more interested in focusing my social
energy on fewer but closer friendships. We've all seen our friends'
time be monopolized by different events in their life; marriage, other
friends, hobbies, obsessions. But the kind of friendships I want to
emotionally invest in are those in which my investment is recognized
and matched.