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When Bucky woke up, he found Wade on the other side of the bed again. This was not a surprise, nor was it an insult. The fact that Wade had held him in the first place meant more than the fact that they had drifted apart sometime in the night
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But there was the little matter of burger face, and burger butt, and when faced with that...the idea of giving Wade something new may have been thrilling, but the action itself was not. But he still held onto the idea that maybe someday he'd be able to.
"What about blowjobs?" he asked as his hand ran down Wade's side to rest on his hip. "When's the last time you had somebody's mouth on you?" Not that he could do that right then, either, but for future reference.
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"I hadn't even been naked around another person since I was thirty-five before last night, Bucky. It's been years since someone went down on me." And maybe that was a part of his insecurity: once people saw what was under the shirt, they weren't worried about his dick, even though it was completely unharmed. He was fully functional and unmarred, even if that was the only part of his body like that aside from his hands.
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But that couldn't be right. He couldn't conceive of the possibility that there hadn't been anyone else in that time who'd been able to look past Wade's marred flesh and do the things he did for him. But when he remembered there were certain things even he had been unwilling to do, the idea became much more conceivable. His head swam as he tried to sort things out, and he probably looked like he was about to bolt before the anger set in- anger for each time he imagined someone had rejected this man.
"Fuck 'em. They're all a bunch of idiots."
Did that make him an idiot, too, for not being able to give Wade everything? Bucky had plenty of sex, but it had been more than twenty years since he'd felt affection for a bed partner. In a sense, he was an idiot when it came to this kind of thing.
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He's had sex with others, of course, but it's always been hurried, clothes coming away only far enough to do the deed -- generally in the dark -- before he tucked himself away again and let the other person take their leave. He was a generous lover, but they never stayed. Never wanted to stay after their fingers drifted under his shirt to feel his skin. And he wasn't sure that Bucky wouldn't go running when he was least expecting it. Give him hope and snatch it away just as quickly -- Emily had done it so many long years ago, run after he proposed and she found out he had cancer.
"I'd like to think everyone else is an idiot and I'm a snowflake, Bucky." But he couldn't. There's no way the seven billion people on this planet were all idiots; Wade was the idiot for thinking he'd have the same happiness others had.
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"I had a girlfriend once. I know I said I'm gay, but an exception to every rule, right? We were together on and off for thirty years before she left me for good in '89. I've had plenty of sex since then, but it's been more'n twenty years since I've been really close to someone." His voice hushed. "And it's been more'n twenty years since I've wanted to get close to someone."
With that admission, he rolled away, turning his back on Wade. "So, I guess that's what I mean when I say I don't know what I'm doing. It's been so long, I just-" A nervous laugh. "Well, I really don't know what I'm doing."
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