The Lone Knight
It has been a hard week I guess, though not. More properly it has been a very isolated week, despite family interactions. I just feel like I am so far away from those I care about. I feel like they are too busy to keep in touch with me, and the darker part of me wonders if they really care to keep me as a friend... especially given my past unreliabilites. Part of me wonders if this is a special hell of my own working and design... one that I deserve to be in and will never escape.
My few friends in the area... ok, who am I kidding. My only friend in the area is up to her eyeballs in work from both school and work. Tis the season, or so I am told. As a result, however, she is barely able to keep in touch with me. She might as well be one of my friends several hundred miles away. I do not blame her... she has the right to live her life the way she wants to and needs to.
The job hunt is about as successful as trying to roll a glass boulder up a greased hill. I keep hearing "We are at capacity," or "We aren't taking new employees until after the holidays," or even "You just don't have the requirements to work here." It is aggrivating. I have loads of time, nothing to do with it really, and everyone else is busy. It makes me feel like crap because everyone else has something productive to do... makes me feel worthless.
It was my ex-girlfriend's birthday this last week. I didn't tell her, but I prayed that it went well. I also prayed that God finally allow me to stop caring about what happens to her. I even took a positive step in that direction: I finally severed the last line of sporadic updates that I had from her. As she put it, "I put that stuff out there for other people, not you. I don't want to hear from you again." So I finally decided to stop the flow of information. I can't help but worry for her when she makes journal entries that expose all her woes, fears, and whatnot. It's just the way I am. So no more.
I tried calling one of my friends today. I have been trying to get in touch with him for the last week. Today I finally got him, but upon hearing my voice the call either was dropped or he hung up. He did not call back, and neither did I. I wonder if I should have, but part of me decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he either was busy or that he just thought it was a wrong number or whatnot. I can be a fool sometimes like that.
I had a few interesting conversations going with several nice people online. All of a sudden, however, they all dried up. I wonder if they all became busy or if they all lost interest in me. Sigh. I think that is enough for now.
My few friends in the area... ok, who am I kidding. My only friend in the area is up to her eyeballs in work from both school and work. Tis the season, or so I am told. As a result, however, she is barely able to keep in touch with me. She might as well be one of my friends several hundred miles away. I do not blame her... she has the right to live her life the way she wants to and needs to.
The job hunt is about as successful as trying to roll a glass boulder up a greased hill. I keep hearing "We are at capacity," or "We aren't taking new employees until after the holidays," or even "You just don't have the requirements to work here." It is aggrivating. I have loads of time, nothing to do with it really, and everyone else is busy. It makes me feel like crap because everyone else has something productive to do... makes me feel worthless.
It was my ex-girlfriend's birthday this last week. I didn't tell her, but I prayed that it went well. I also prayed that God finally allow me to stop caring about what happens to her. I even took a positive step in that direction: I finally severed the last line of sporadic updates that I had from her. As she put it, "I put that stuff out there for other people, not you. I don't want to hear from you again." So I finally decided to stop the flow of information. I can't help but worry for her when she makes journal entries that expose all her woes, fears, and whatnot. It's just the way I am. So no more.
I tried calling one of my friends today. I have been trying to get in touch with him for the last week. Today I finally got him, but upon hearing my voice the call either was dropped or he hung up. He did not call back, and neither did I. I wonder if I should have, but part of me decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he either was busy or that he just thought it was a wrong number or whatnot. I can be a fool sometimes like that.
I had a few interesting conversations going with several nice people online. All of a sudden, however, they all dried up. I wonder if they all became busy or if they all lost interest in me. Sigh. I think that is enough for now.