There is hope
Parenting Options for Gay Men
Queer Parenting Info series developed and produced collaboratively by FSA Toronto and Sherbourne Health Centre.
Are you a gay man thinking about having kids?
Have you assumed that being gay means you can't parent?
It's not true. Growing numbers of openly gay men are becoming parents.
Info on Parenting Options for Gay Men
Adoption
Public Adoption through the Children's Aid Society
Private Adoption
International Adoption
Joint Parenting with Women
Surrogacy
Resources and Support
Daddies & Papas 2B
Resources
Info on Parenting Options for Gay Men
In the past, heterosexual families were viewed as the only acceptable place within which to raise children. Many gay and bisexual men had children within heterosexual relationships but were forced to remain closeted for fear of losing their children. More recently, due to civil rights struggles waged over many years by lesbian, gay and bisexual communities, it has become more possible for gay and bisexual men to become parents while being open about their sexual identities.
Gay men considering parenthood reflect the reality that many men are actively interested in raising children. It is very important for some men to experience fatherhood and to have loving relationships in a family that includes children. Some choose single parenthood, some parent in couples and some arrange joint parenting with women.
Gay men who parent face many commonly-held, but inaccurate, stereotypes. These include the assumption that women are essential to the nurturing of children, that gay men are likely to sexually abuse children, and that gay men are too busy thinking about or having sex to properly care for children. Many leading child welfare, psychological and children's health organizations have issued policy statements refuting these ideas and declaring that a parent's sexual orientation is irrelevant to his or her ability to raise a child.
In 2003 the Canadian Psychological Association (CPA) issued a statement that reads, in part: "According to the CPA, the psychosocial research into lesbian and gay parenting indicates that there are essentially no differences in the psychosocial development, gender identity or sexual orientation between the children of gay or lesbian parents and the children of heterosexual parents."
Recent research also points to some interesting and positive possibilities for children who grow up in lesbian/gay/bisexual families (see, for example, Stacey & Biblarz (2002) (How) Does the Sexual Orientation of Parents Matter? American Sociological Review 66.
Lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (lgbt) people are creating families in diverse and creative ways. The options for gay men who are considering parenthood include:
Back to Top
Adoption
Adoption refers to the process of becoming a legal parent or guardian of a child to whom one is not biologically related. It is now legal in Ontario for two people in a same-sex relationship to jointly adopt children. There is currently a lot of educational work being done within Children's Aid Societies, and within private adoption agencies, to increase awareness and support for lgbt adoption. However, there is still much work to be done, and lgbt people attempting adoption continue to report that they face barriers.
Back to Top
Public Adoption through the Children's Aid Society
In Ontario, gay men, as individuals or as couples, are able to adopt children who are in the custody of the Children's Aid Society (CAS) and who no longer have access to their biological parents. There are no costs involved with a public adoption. The CAS requires that you attend the "Adoption Decision Program" and a social worker must do a home study as part of the assessment process. While all individuals or couples who are eligible to adopt through the CAS are in theory equal, the needs of the child are determined by social workers representing the child, with input from others involved with the child, including the foster family.
Back to Top
Private Adoption
Private adoption usually takes place through doctors, adoption agencies or individual licencees within Canada, without the involvement of the Children's Aid Society. There is usually a fee involved and it can be expensive. A child's birth parents can influence decisions about where a child is placed and these decisions can be impacted by values concerning lgbt parenting.
Back to Top
International Adoption
Most same-sex international adoptions are done by people who, for the purposes of adoption, are single and not open about their sexual orientation. The regulations that guide international adoptions are unique to each country. Some countries will no longer allow single people to adopt as they assume that some of these individuals are gay or lesbian.
In order to qualify to adopt internationally, you have to have a home study done by a social worker who assesses your suitability to adopt. If you are planning on being open about your sexual orientation, a great deal depends on the individual social worker's comfort with same-sex families. As you have to pay for this assessment, you can choose a social worker with whom you are comfortable and who is familiar with lgbt families. In Ontario, you must work with an agency licensed to facilitate international adoptions. Look on the internet to find out which agencies focus on adoption from particular countries. International adoption is also an expensive process.
Back to Top
Joint Parenting with Women
Many gay men have set up joint parenting arrangements with women, often lesbians. Many lesbians and gay men have chosen to have and raise children together, outside of an intimate partnership. Sometimes two single individuals choose to parent together, sometimes two couples, sometimes a couple and an individual. Gay men, lesbians and others they choose to parent with are creating new and innovative kinds of families.
If you are considering a joint parenting arrangement, it is helpful to spend a lot of time getting to know the people you intend to parent with, exploring your (and their) parenting values, discussing important issues and drawing up a joint parenting contract. While co-parenting contracts are not legally binding, drawing up a contract can be invaluable in helping you to clarify your intentions about roles, responsibilities, values and conflict resolution.
Co-parenting, like all parenting, requires flexibility, communication, trust and a willingness to deal with the unexpected. (See brochure on Co-Parenting)
Back to Top
Surrogacy
Some gay men have become parents through the use of a surrogate, a woman who carries a child she does not intend to parent. There are two main types of surrogates. Traditional surrogates are women who have their own egg fertilized, usually with sperm from the potential father, and carry the pregnancy. Gestational surrogates carry a pregnancy created through a fertilized egg from another woman, an egg donor, and thus are not biologically related to the child they are carrying. There is usually a financial arrangement to compensate for the expenses of the surrogate during the pregnancy. Surrogates can be contacted individually or through agencies.*
*The newly-passed Assisted Human Reproduction Act (2004) may have serious implications for surrogacy arrangements in Canada. The Act prohibits commercial surrogacy by making it an offence to pay, offer to pay or advertise to pay "consideration" to a female to be a surrogate.
Back to Top
Resources and Support
Despite growing public support for gay parenting, it can be demanding to be constantly challenging stereotypes and misconceptions. When considering parenthood it is important to assess the support that you will have from your family, friends, co-workers, and community. Below are some community supports and resources:
Back to Top
Daddies & Papas 2B
The LGBT Parenting Network, FSA Toronto and the 519 Church St. Community Centre sponsor an eight-week course for gay men considering parenthood. Daddies & Papas 2B runs twice a year. The course provides detailed information about the options available to gay men considering parenthood as well as an opportunity to connect with others who are in the process of deciding if and how to bring children into their lives.
Back to Top
Resources
LGBT Parenting Network, David Kelley Services, FSA Toronto
416-595-0307, ext. 270
Website: www.fsatoronto.com
Sherbourne Health Centre
416-324-4180
Website: www.sherbourne.on.ca
519 Church St. Community Centre
Queer Parenting Program
416-392-6874
Website: www.the519.org
Gay Fathers of Toronto
416-406-6378
Website: www.gayfathers-toronto.com
Children's Aid Society of Toronto
416-924-4646
Website: www.torontocas.ca
Fathertree (surrogacy support service for gay men)
416-693-9830
Canadian Surrogacy Options
(519) 767-1171
Website: www.canadiansurrogacyoptions.com
Family Pride Canada
Website: familypride.uwo.ca
Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere
Toronto: 416-767-2244
Website: www.colage.org
Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays
Toronto: 416-406-6378
Website: www.pflag.com
Family Pride Coalition (U.S.)
Website: www.familypride.org
Rainbow Families (U.S.)
Website: www.rainbowfamilies.org
TransParentcy
Website: www.geocities.com/transparentcy/index.htm
Savage, D. (2000) The Kid: (What Happened After My Boyfriend and I Decided to Go Get Pregnant) An Adoption Story.
Dutton/Plume: N.Y.
Strah, D. (2003) Gay Dads: A Celebration of Fatherhood.
Jeremy P. Tarcher/Putnam: N.Y.
McGarry, K. (2003) Fatherhood for Gay Men: An Emotional and Practical Guide to Becoming a Gay Dad.
Harrington Park Press: N.Y.
Daddy & Papa, a film by Johnny Symons (2002)
New Day Films. 57 min. U.S.A.
Resources provided for information only. We cannot recommend or endorse specific organizations, services or websites.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Written by LGBT parenting Network* of David Kelly Services, FSA Toronto and community members.
*project funding from The Counselling Foundation of Canada
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Queer Parenting Info series developed and produced collaboratively by FSA Toronto and Sherbourne Health Centre.
Are you a gay man thinking about having kids?
Have you assumed that being gay means you can't parent?
It's not true. Growing numbers of openly gay men are becoming parents.
Info on Parenting Options for Gay Men
Adoption
Public Adoption through the Children's Aid Society
Private Adoption
International Adoption
Joint Parenting with Women
Surrogacy
Resources and Support
Daddies & Papas 2B
Resources
Info on Parenting Options for Gay Men
In the past, heterosexual families were viewed as the only acceptable place within which to raise children. Many gay and bisexual men had children within heterosexual relationships but were forced to remain closeted for fear of losing their children. More recently, due to civil rights struggles waged over many years by lesbian, gay and bisexual communities, it has become more possible for gay and bisexual men to become parents while being open about their sexual identities.
Gay men considering parenthood reflect the reality that many men are actively interested in raising children. It is very important for some men to experience fatherhood and to have loving relationships in a family that includes children. Some choose single parenthood, some parent in couples and some arrange joint parenting with women.
Gay men who parent face many commonly-held, but inaccurate, stereotypes. These include the assumption that women are essential to the nurturing of children, that gay men are likely to sexually abuse children, and that gay men are too busy thinking about or having sex to properly care for children. Many leading child welfare, psychological and children's health organizations have issued policy statements refuting these ideas and declaring that a parent's sexual orientation is irrelevant to his or her ability to raise a child.
In 2003 the Canadian Psychological Association (CPA) issued a statement that reads, in part: "According to the CPA, the psychosocial research into lesbian and gay parenting indicates that there are essentially no differences in the psychosocial development, gender identity or sexual orientation between the children of gay or lesbian parents and the children of heterosexual parents."
Recent research also points to some interesting and positive possibilities for children who grow up in lesbian/gay/bisexual families (see, for example, Stacey & Biblarz (2002) (How) Does the Sexual Orientation of Parents Matter? American Sociological Review 66.
Lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (lgbt) people are creating families in diverse and creative ways. The options for gay men who are considering parenthood include:
Back to Top
Adoption
Adoption refers to the process of becoming a legal parent or guardian of a child to whom one is not biologically related. It is now legal in Ontario for two people in a same-sex relationship to jointly adopt children. There is currently a lot of educational work being done within Children's Aid Societies, and within private adoption agencies, to increase awareness and support for lgbt adoption. However, there is still much work to be done, and lgbt people attempting adoption continue to report that they face barriers.
Back to Top
Public Adoption through the Children's Aid Society
In Ontario, gay men, as individuals or as couples, are able to adopt children who are in the custody of the Children's Aid Society (CAS) and who no longer have access to their biological parents. There are no costs involved with a public adoption. The CAS requires that you attend the "Adoption Decision Program" and a social worker must do a home study as part of the assessment process. While all individuals or couples who are eligible to adopt through the CAS are in theory equal, the needs of the child are determined by social workers representing the child, with input from others involved with the child, including the foster family.
Back to Top
Private Adoption
Private adoption usually takes place through doctors, adoption agencies or individual licencees within Canada, without the involvement of the Children's Aid Society. There is usually a fee involved and it can be expensive. A child's birth parents can influence decisions about where a child is placed and these decisions can be impacted by values concerning lgbt parenting.
Back to Top
International Adoption
Most same-sex international adoptions are done by people who, for the purposes of adoption, are single and not open about their sexual orientation. The regulations that guide international adoptions are unique to each country. Some countries will no longer allow single people to adopt as they assume that some of these individuals are gay or lesbian.
In order to qualify to adopt internationally, you have to have a home study done by a social worker who assesses your suitability to adopt. If you are planning on being open about your sexual orientation, a great deal depends on the individual social worker's comfort with same-sex families. As you have to pay for this assessment, you can choose a social worker with whom you are comfortable and who is familiar with lgbt families. In Ontario, you must work with an agency licensed to facilitate international adoptions. Look on the internet to find out which agencies focus on adoption from particular countries. International adoption is also an expensive process.
Back to Top
Joint Parenting with Women
Many gay men have set up joint parenting arrangements with women, often lesbians. Many lesbians and gay men have chosen to have and raise children together, outside of an intimate partnership. Sometimes two single individuals choose to parent together, sometimes two couples, sometimes a couple and an individual. Gay men, lesbians and others they choose to parent with are creating new and innovative kinds of families.
If you are considering a joint parenting arrangement, it is helpful to spend a lot of time getting to know the people you intend to parent with, exploring your (and their) parenting values, discussing important issues and drawing up a joint parenting contract. While co-parenting contracts are not legally binding, drawing up a contract can be invaluable in helping you to clarify your intentions about roles, responsibilities, values and conflict resolution.
Co-parenting, like all parenting, requires flexibility, communication, trust and a willingness to deal with the unexpected. (See brochure on Co-Parenting)
Back to Top
Surrogacy
Some gay men have become parents through the use of a surrogate, a woman who carries a child she does not intend to parent. There are two main types of surrogates. Traditional surrogates are women who have their own egg fertilized, usually with sperm from the potential father, and carry the pregnancy. Gestational surrogates carry a pregnancy created through a fertilized egg from another woman, an egg donor, and thus are not biologically related to the child they are carrying. There is usually a financial arrangement to compensate for the expenses of the surrogate during the pregnancy. Surrogates can be contacted individually or through agencies.*
*The newly-passed Assisted Human Reproduction Act (2004) may have serious implications for surrogacy arrangements in Canada. The Act prohibits commercial surrogacy by making it an offence to pay, offer to pay or advertise to pay "consideration" to a female to be a surrogate.
Back to Top
Resources and Support
Despite growing public support for gay parenting, it can be demanding to be constantly challenging stereotypes and misconceptions. When considering parenthood it is important to assess the support that you will have from your family, friends, co-workers, and community. Below are some community supports and resources:
Back to Top
Daddies & Papas 2B
The LGBT Parenting Network, FSA Toronto and the 519 Church St. Community Centre sponsor an eight-week course for gay men considering parenthood. Daddies & Papas 2B runs twice a year. The course provides detailed information about the options available to gay men considering parenthood as well as an opportunity to connect with others who are in the process of deciding if and how to bring children into their lives.
Back to Top
Resources
LGBT Parenting Network, David Kelley Services, FSA Toronto
416-595-0307, ext. 270
Website: www.fsatoronto.com
Sherbourne Health Centre
416-324-4180
Website: www.sherbourne.on.ca
519 Church St. Community Centre
Queer Parenting Program
416-392-6874
Website: www.the519.org
Gay Fathers of Toronto
416-406-6378
Website: www.gayfathers-toronto.com
Children's Aid Society of Toronto
416-924-4646
Website: www.torontocas.ca
Fathertree (surrogacy support service for gay men)
416-693-9830
Canadian Surrogacy Options
(519) 767-1171
Website: www.canadiansurrogacyoptions.com
Family Pride Canada
Website: familypride.uwo.ca
Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere
Toronto: 416-767-2244
Website: www.colage.org
Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays
Toronto: 416-406-6378
Website: www.pflag.com
Family Pride Coalition (U.S.)
Website: www.familypride.org
Rainbow Families (U.S.)
Website: www.rainbowfamilies.org
TransParentcy
Website: www.geocities.com/transparentcy/index.htm
Savage, D. (2000) The Kid: (What Happened After My Boyfriend and I Decided to Go Get Pregnant) An Adoption Story.
Dutton/Plume: N.Y.
Strah, D. (2003) Gay Dads: A Celebration of Fatherhood.
Jeremy P. Tarcher/Putnam: N.Y.
McGarry, K. (2003) Fatherhood for Gay Men: An Emotional and Practical Guide to Becoming a Gay Dad.
Harrington Park Press: N.Y.
Daddy & Papa, a film by Johnny Symons (2002)
New Day Films. 57 min. U.S.A.
Resources provided for information only. We cannot recommend or endorse specific organizations, services or websites.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Written by LGBT parenting Network* of David Kelly Services, FSA Toronto and community members.
*project funding from The Counselling Foundation of Canada
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