Where do we go from here?
There's nothing quite like realising you've achieved what you set out to do, and then your mind asks 'well, what now?'
For years, I've been told that what I wanted to do was highly unlikely to happen, that it would be best to set my goals elsewhere; why bother aiming for a goal that would lead to disappointment? I've never taken well to someone telling me I can't do something, especially when there was little evidence to support such a statement. Whatever the reasons were (mildly embarrassing, in retrospect), I did set out to get what I want, and just worked without considering the alternatives. Ambition isn't really a trait I would associate with myself, but I did prove to myself that I was willing to work hard and produce the drive that would push me towards what I wanted.
Nevermind that the goal itself was rather stupid, but I just wanted to see if it could be done. Now, a few years of stress and anxieties later, I did actually achieve it. It's really laughable if I think about it right now, but the question of whether I could stay in the US post-completion was always such a stressor in my life. Now that I wrote it out, it really does seem really stupid.
Those who have known me, especially for the past five years, know that I worked really hard so I could stay in the US, under my terms.
There's nothing quite like looking at the thing you've been working on for a few years, and realising what a... flimsy goal it was. I have to admit, I am at a loss. I feel really, really stupid. All that work, all that stress, all that bloody TIME sunk into this... and I don't even care about it anymore! If this is some giant personality flaw that I've never noticed in myself, this is one hell of a wake-up call. Years of work and the loss of friends-family-time-youth, all coming down to one glaring sense of loss.
In more ways than one, I'm just tired.
I'm tired of telling my parents 'just another year', I'm tired of working my ass off for a job that will likely shove me back into the unemployment pool once the school year is over and my use runs out, I'm tired of recalling what I (willingly, foolishly) gave up whenever things are hard (security, family, love, money, home), and I'm just tired of knowing that I'm the one being stubborn about this whole thing. Chasing after the difficult is a romantic dream, but romance isn't really healing the fatigue I feel. Mentally, emotionally, physically - now that I have perceived my previous goals as foolish, I'm not sure if I have the courage to push through and keep going. I hate pouring my life into my job, feeling like I've been shat on all day by kids/adults/parents/admins/media/thecity, and then coming home to an apartment that makes me realise how unhappy I am.
One of the uglier parts of this is how supportive the people around me have been, and how I am very cognizant of the fact that it is these experiences that have helped shape my identity and the way I perceive the world. The best part is that I have no one else to blame but myself, because I was the one to make these choices, and to decide to come to where I am - just to prove a point.
I must take responsibility. I am responsible for the choices I made, where I am right now (not even possible if I didn't have people who love me), and my happiness. I can't really sit here and let myself feel so tired about everything, when I know it is within my power to stand up and just figure out a direction, and take it from there. I've rejected a brighter, shinier, fancier career here in the motherland; right now, it seems rather foolish that I refused to consider accepting it at all.
I need to take pause, and reflect for a moment: I spent more than five years working toward a single goal, no matter how stupid it was. Then why am I so pissed off at myself, when I did actually get what I wanted? Is it the years of effort and emotional/mental/physical erosion I inflicted on myself? Is it the fact that I have it, and now I'm not sure if I want it? Or is it just that I tried my best, and I've satisfied my curiosity about how far I could go? Quite possibly, it may even be that I'm disgusted at myself for thinking about giving up so soon. Didn't really think I was a quitter. If anything, I considered myself as someone who pushed along with the blind faith that things will be alright.
There's another possible answer. I've done what I can, and achieved what I needed - I am now in a position where I can actually think about my own terms. It's not even that my parents are dragging me back home; now that I know I can work in the US, the reins are given to me. Perhaps what I need to understand from this is that I have not wasted my time, but simply built myself into a state where I could leave with no regrets if I really wanted to. Yes, I have to deal with this whole visa thing again within the next year and a half. No, that no longer frightens me as it used to. I may even return to Asia without petitioning for it.
Where do I go from here? No answers yet. I'm not even sure what the questions are.
***
Perhaps what is so upsetting, is the feeling of the loss of innocence. That foolish, bright, heavy dream of a young, foolish girl. The girl got what she wanted, but I think I have outgrown the desire for that same dream.
For years, I've been told that what I wanted to do was highly unlikely to happen, that it would be best to set my goals elsewhere; why bother aiming for a goal that would lead to disappointment? I've never taken well to someone telling me I can't do something, especially when there was little evidence to support such a statement. Whatever the reasons were (mildly embarrassing, in retrospect), I did set out to get what I want, and just worked without considering the alternatives. Ambition isn't really a trait I would associate with myself, but I did prove to myself that I was willing to work hard and produce the drive that would push me towards what I wanted.
Nevermind that the goal itself was rather stupid, but I just wanted to see if it could be done. Now, a few years of stress and anxieties later, I did actually achieve it. It's really laughable if I think about it right now, but the question of whether I could stay in the US post-completion was always such a stressor in my life. Now that I wrote it out, it really does seem really stupid.
Those who have known me, especially for the past five years, know that I worked really hard so I could stay in the US, under my terms.
There's nothing quite like looking at the thing you've been working on for a few years, and realising what a... flimsy goal it was. I have to admit, I am at a loss. I feel really, really stupid. All that work, all that stress, all that bloody TIME sunk into this... and I don't even care about it anymore! If this is some giant personality flaw that I've never noticed in myself, this is one hell of a wake-up call. Years of work and the loss of friends-family-time-youth, all coming down to one glaring sense of loss.
In more ways than one, I'm just tired.
I'm tired of telling my parents 'just another year', I'm tired of working my ass off for a job that will likely shove me back into the unemployment pool once the school year is over and my use runs out, I'm tired of recalling what I (willingly, foolishly) gave up whenever things are hard (security, family, love, money, home), and I'm just tired of knowing that I'm the one being stubborn about this whole thing. Chasing after the difficult is a romantic dream, but romance isn't really healing the fatigue I feel. Mentally, emotionally, physically - now that I have perceived my previous goals as foolish, I'm not sure if I have the courage to push through and keep going. I hate pouring my life into my job, feeling like I've been shat on all day by kids/adults/parents/admins/media/thecity, and then coming home to an apartment that makes me realise how unhappy I am.
One of the uglier parts of this is how supportive the people around me have been, and how I am very cognizant of the fact that it is these experiences that have helped shape my identity and the way I perceive the world. The best part is that I have no one else to blame but myself, because I was the one to make these choices, and to decide to come to where I am - just to prove a point.
I must take responsibility. I am responsible for the choices I made, where I am right now (not even possible if I didn't have people who love me), and my happiness. I can't really sit here and let myself feel so tired about everything, when I know it is within my power to stand up and just figure out a direction, and take it from there. I've rejected a brighter, shinier, fancier career here in the motherland; right now, it seems rather foolish that I refused to consider accepting it at all.
I need to take pause, and reflect for a moment: I spent more than five years working toward a single goal, no matter how stupid it was. Then why am I so pissed off at myself, when I did actually get what I wanted? Is it the years of effort and emotional/mental/physical erosion I inflicted on myself? Is it the fact that I have it, and now I'm not sure if I want it? Or is it just that I tried my best, and I've satisfied my curiosity about how far I could go? Quite possibly, it may even be that I'm disgusted at myself for thinking about giving up so soon. Didn't really think I was a quitter. If anything, I considered myself as someone who pushed along with the blind faith that things will be alright.
There's another possible answer. I've done what I can, and achieved what I needed - I am now in a position where I can actually think about my own terms. It's not even that my parents are dragging me back home; now that I know I can work in the US, the reins are given to me. Perhaps what I need to understand from this is that I have not wasted my time, but simply built myself into a state where I could leave with no regrets if I really wanted to. Yes, I have to deal with this whole visa thing again within the next year and a half. No, that no longer frightens me as it used to. I may even return to Asia without petitioning for it.
Where do I go from here? No answers yet. I'm not even sure what the questions are.
***
Perhaps what is so upsetting, is the feeling of the loss of innocence. That foolish, bright, heavy dream of a young, foolish girl. The girl got what she wanted, but I think I have outgrown the desire for that same dream.