"The worst mistake is giving up (You are part of everything)" (1/7)

[icebear_cw]

***

I.

San Antonio, Texas
March 2007

The dark tinted windows provided just enough imitation of privacy. If he had been alone in the car it might have even worked but he wasn’t and that was part of the problem. All he wanted to do was to go home, have a shower, sleep and maybe then try and start planning his life after college.

Not that there as was a lot to plan, things were already set in stone for him, not really a way to back out left. Not anymore. Not after Jeff had already decided to be a humanitarian saint and took all the chances of being his own man away from him.

He knew he wasn’t being fair. He loved both his family dearly. And of course, he was happy that his older brother had grabbed the first chance he got to follow his dream. Really, being a doctor, having his own practice wasn’t exactly a bad life choice.

But Jared was so very close to not caring right now, his brother’s choice had practically lifted him into his father’s footsteps whether he wanted it or not.

Sometimes he thought if he had the ability to fight, to stand up for himself he might have gotten away. The way it was now though he was trapped in a life and quite possibly a job he hadn’t ever seen himself in.

He had always thought Jeff to be the one to take over everything and to happily play the boss when his father retired. Jeff had always loved to bark out commands and to make sure Jared knew who the boss was.

It came as somewhat of a surprise to Jared when his older brother announced he would go to Med School instead of pursuing a business degree. From that day on Jared’s future had already been set. And he had never really protested it. He knew he owed his family a lot, that he owed his father even more.

Lately though it was more about the business than it was about the family, about spending time with his father learning how to deal with the business and the company he was supposed to take over. So this call into the office as soon as he had cleared his apartment in Austin probably meant nothing more but a business meet to prepare him even more.

Jared sighed. Deeply.

This was not really how he had envisioned coming back home. He would have thought that at least Megan or his mom would be there to get him from his little off-campus apartment.

But then only JD showed up with one of the company cars informing him kind of apologetically that his father wanted to see him immediately. In the office nonetheless. He hadn’t even had time to go home, to change and get rid of the things he had with him.

Through the tinted car windows Jared could see the sun reflecting of the higher buildings of the inner city. They were stuck in the middle of traffic, going slowly, only making an inch per minute. He stretched his legs, trying to get more comfortable now that he knew it would take longer than anticipated.

San Antonio, even through tinted windows, was so distinctively different from Austin, the town he loved and had lived in for the last years (not counting his UK stint). San Antonio was home but it felt different, he felt different.

Every time he came back a mixture of feelings made his stomach knot up and his head a little dizzy with all these thoughts running through his mind. He could feel the pressure building, could feel himself pulling up the mask he always dropped when he wasn’t anywhere near the company or his father.

San Antonio had this effect even though he liked his hometown, liked coming back and seeing his family. Moving his legs again he tried to relax, tried to focus and not drift off to somewhere he wanted to be.

It was quiet in the car, had been for some time now. JD had obviously succeeded with trying to convince whoever was on the cell phone that it would be better to meet up later instead of tomorrow.

Jared had to smile a bit, JD had always had his special way of talking to his lady friends and it sometimes even worked.

Jared looked away from the windows, away from the sun flickering between the buildings casting the world outside in a hue, making it even more surreal to be back here.

JD was silent next to Jared. He said he wanted to talk to Jared before they reach PCCM’s headquarters but he hadn’t said a word since they had left Austin. It made Jared nervous.

JD wasn’t overly emotional, had himself in check most of the time and didn’t really give a damn what others thought about him. But sometimes there was something sad and resigned in his eyes. It usually happened when Jared’s father had come up with one of his plans.

Out of the corner of his eye Jared could see JD fidgeting, which was such a rare occasion that it usually made him want to get out of the car and as far away from San Antonio as he could get. It wasn’t different this time.

It made him nervous, had him worry, and Jared usually didn’t worry all that much when JD was around. It made him want to be five again and being able to hide under the backseat of the limousine. JD fidgeting had him suppress the urge to wring his hands and shout at him to tell what’s wrong.

“Jared?”
There it was. Jared had to fight a sigh of relief because that wouldn’t really be a good start to a conversation which seemed to be just on this side of serious.

“What is it? You have been fidgeting since you got into the car in Austin. Don’t think I didn’t notice.”

JD’s slight smile said something along the lines that he was just a little proud of Jared for having noticed that at all. Jared prided himself in being privy to almost all of JD’s smirks, smiles and grins. He could basically tell how the other one was feeling just through seeing those smiles and smirks.

JD was constantly testing him when it came to his contact and social skills. And Jared was actually grateful for that. He had a bit of a problem interacting with other people, not such much when he was focused on a job or a project or even one of his hobbies but definitely when it came to reading people and acting on what he saw.

“Yeah… well. I actually have a hard time finding the right words here Jare. It’s not really something I thought I would have to speak to you about.”

A spike of worry settled firmly in the pit of his stomach. This couldn’t be good. What did that mean? JD never had problems finding words. This wouldn’t be good at all. His gut feeling was off, telling him that this moment right there in the company car on the way to his dad’s office would somehow redefine his future. And that scared him.

“What? Is everything alright? With my family? Did something happen?” Now it was Jared fidgeting.

“God no Jared. I am sorry. That’s not what this is about. They are all fine. Seriously. It’s more something about the company. And well you.”

This time Jared couldn’t suppress the sigh anymore. Of course it was about the company. It always was these days. There was barely an hour where he didn’t have to talk or think or write about something connected to PCCM. So why should this be any different?

But JD went even more fidgety than usual and the frown on his face wasn’t doing anything to calm Jared’s nerves, nor did the jingling foot and the tapping on fingers against the leather seat. JD was nervous as hell and Jared was losing his calm.

“Shoot. Come one Jeffrey. Don’t make me take serious measures.”

The grin and the raised eyebrow told Jared he wouldn’t be able to come forth with that threat, not within the confines of the car anyway.

“Well… You remember the talk we had some months ago about trying to hold Harris off to get a little more time with sorting out the things that went awry during the recent attacks?” At Jared’s nod JD folded his hands over his stomach and turned so that he could look directly at Jared. “Uhm… your dad picked up on that. And he came up with .. well let’s call it a plan. He.. well… he kind of talked to Harris about something and wanted me to talk to you.”

JD was scratching the scruff on his chin, frowned even more and shook his head. Once JD had been pretty good with relaying messages and making Jared not worry about plans his father came up with. It didn’t seem to be one of these times.

“Okay. And? What did he do? Did he sell the company? Did he fire me or something? What JD? Come on, I am drawing a blank here and you are not really helping with your fidgeting and all.”

“Alright… And before I go on I just want to have you know that I don’t like it. I really don’t like it and I think you don’t have to do anything. You don’t have to follow your daddy’s footsteps. He’ll be proud of you no matter what.”

If Jared didn’t know it better he would have said JD even blushed a little when he continued. Whether it was from being embarrassed having to be the one breaking it to Jared or from being angry and feeling helpless, Jared didn’t know. Right then he could just gape at JD and sit in shock.

“Your dad… he arranged something with Harris. It includes a merger but not the typical one. They want to follow a tradition and keep the commission off of their backs. It’s a marriage Jay.”

“A what? You mean the companies right? Tell me you mean the companies and not what I think you are saying… Because that would be… What the hell is he thinking?”

“Honestly? I don’t know. I am sorry. It is a marriage but not only between the companies. I told him it isn’t a good idea. He wants to talk to you about it. And I am sorry… I should have told you sooner. I didn’t want to tell you at all.. but I think he would have done it anyway, even without me being the one to talk to you first.”

“So what? He is selling me instead of the company? To save the goddamn company? Is he serious?”

JD winced at Jared’s voice. It echoed through the car and the driver shot them a look through the rearview mirror. Jared didn’t give a damn about that. He was furious.

At his father for treating him like a piece of goods to be offered to the highest bidder.
He was furious at him for even setting up more than just a suggestion without even talk to Jared first. Jared couldn’t even try to begin to understand what was going to happen and where he would be in all of it.

But mostly he was furious with himself. He was furious and he was scared because even then, in this moment being there and talking to JD, he knew he wouldn’t say no to his father. Jared knew he couldn’t do it, couldn’t defy his father or let his family down.

The company was all they had and what they had lived for. So even if he didn’t like it very much he would be the one in the end his dad could count on. Just as it always had been.

And that was probably a reason why JD was next to him, with a hand on Jared’s arm squeezing reassuringly. Jared was grateful for his presence.

“So, who is it?”
“Kristine Harris. She already is one of the CEOs of Harris Marketing, so that makes this whole thing a little easier.” JD stopped, grimaced and squeezed Jared’s arm again. “I am sorry Jare. I know… It’s not… I don’t really know what to say or think. It’s like the Middle Ages and I don’t really know what Jerry is thinking.”

Jared could only nod, pat JD’s hand on his arm and look back at the city flying by outside, tinted in brown and yellow hues through the glass. The wheels on the asphalt beneath him thumbing along with his heartbeat. This city was becoming more of a destiny to him than he’d ever though it would.

Breathing was difficult. A matter of concentration. All he could do now.

“Okay. I know Jeffrey. It’s not your fault. I don’t know what… I can’t really think right now. Not really and definitely not straight.”
“Well, that has never been your strength.”

Jared couldn’t stop it and laughed. A bark of laughter, shaking him and JD’s hand on his arm. It was so JD to say something like that in a situation like this.
“No. True.”

“He still doesn’t know does he?”
“No. I guess not. Never really had the time to tell him. With the company and me not being there. There really hasn’t been a good moment to tell him or anybody else besides you, Megan, Tom and Chad… and well the guys I was with. I… feel bad for mum. I don’t know if she suspects.”

The smile was definitely awkward, didn’t reach his eyes, and really there was no reason for him to be smiley and happy and discussing his sexual orientation while being told that his father was about to arrange a marriage for him.

“Probably a reason why he even thought about it…. He always kind of thought that I had a thing for Kristine or something like that. I only ever met her twice. And really, I was like a room apart from her every time. But knowing dad he probably projected his wishful thinking into every look that passed between us. Well, at least I don’t hate her.”

JD snorted rather ungracefully but didn’t say any more. The rest of the ride was spent in silence, Jared deep in thoughts and JD watching him.

They arrived at the PCCM offices just in time to see the sun going down, reflected in the office windows. Jared had no eyes for it. He went straight through the entrance, crossed the lobby and almost punched the call button for the elevator within an inch of its life. When the doors closed Jared squared his shoulders, rose to his full height and prepared himself for one of the most awkward talks he would ever have in his life.

***



II.

Dallas
March 1st, 2007

It hadn’t been a good idea to work late, Jensen knew that much. The day had been planned out to the second, millisecond even if he took the schedule seriously. He hadn’t even known that it was time to leave until Sandy knocked on his door and said she would be on her way and that she was expecting him to follow her within thirty minutes.

When he did finally leave it was almost an hour past the time he had promised Mike to be at the bar.
The party in one of the in-bars in down town Dallas was supposed to be his birthday party and a yay-for-getting-a-promotion-so-soon bash combined.

Jensen just wasn’t sure if he really was in the mood for anything big and loud. Knowing Mike, this would be it and more. Thinking about it he had to admit that he was more in the mood for something small, calm and personal.

But then again sitting at home alone and brooding wasn’t anything near what he wanted either. He had promised Michael to show up. Michael had threatened him though that if he should be a no-show he would feel the consequences in the office. For the next weeks. Jensen so wasn’t willing to be the focus of Mike’s attention again. Not so soon after the whole coffee cup debacle.

No one defied Michael Rosenbaum, senior lawyer for corporate business at Crowley and Walters, and lived the next day without being punished for it.

Jensen would never be able to drink coffee out of his favourite blue cup again. Just because Mike thought it a suitable punishment to hot-glue antlers to every single one of Jensen’s coffee cups, and that only because Jensen hadn’t appreciated Michael’s party thrower qualities. So no, Jensen wasn’t skipping out on Mike this time. Even if a party was really the last thing he wanted. He was tired as hell.
But on his way to the bar anyway.

Jensen loved his job, loved that he could prove his worth there now. He even loved that he was back home in Dallas. He couldn’t have packed his things any faster after the job offer came through a year ago. He had always thought he would stay in New York, would work for the little law firm which had taken him in after he had finished his degree.

But New York had never been home. To him it had always seemed like some kind of temporary station even though he refused to think about that all too much. New York had been a chance to live a new life, a different life from what he was used to. Jensen had to be honest with himself, he had enjoyed it, had liked it a lot for the first two years of college.

The parties, the different girls or even boys over a few months had been a completely new experience. Some kind of freedom he hadn’t known before. And he didn’t even think about it for a while, didn’t dare to think about. Until he had realized that he actually had to study to keep up with college. It was nothing like high school. It was nothing like Dallas. Nothing at all.

Turning point in his college life had been one wild night, after which he woke up in a part of town completely unknown to him. He hadn’t wanted to repeat that experience ever again.

After he had gotten his degree, had landed the internship at the small law firm in upstate New York and was working a decent job with decent times, he had been rather pleased with himself. He was good at what he was doing.

To his own surprise Jensen even found some time to date again. Nothing lasted long though. Another thing he gladly refused to think deeper about it. His last girlfriend split up with him because she thought he was working too much. That had been two years ago.

He sometimes wondered what she would say now. It wasn’t as if he was out looking for someone special these days. He didn’t believe in that, but it didn’t mean he didn’t dream occasionally. One-Night-Stands and weeks of parties and letting himself relax had been more his forte, but even those times were over now.

Jensen didn’t believe in the true love theory.

He had been happy and content in New York but there was something missing. Something he couldn’t really pinpoint. He even dreamt about it from time to time but it was always clouded, always hidden in the shadows of his mind. He never got a clear picture of it. But when he got the offer from Dallas, from one of the biggest law firm of the state, he knew what it was. At least he knew that it was part of that missing something, part of why feeling happy and content and good in New York wasn’t what he really wanted for himself. He didn’t want average.

Jensen wanted more from his life; he even went as far as to say that he wanted the best he could get. In life. And that might even apply to love.

Chris always told him that some day he should probably seek counselling to find out what it was and why he always tried to be so much better than everyone else and why he never believed when everyone told him that he already was.

Jensen even considered taking Chris’ offer and talk to him. But then Chris only ever told him to live a little and to get what he could. And in Chris’ case living usually meant bedding everything within reach that was willing and not short of tequila. So maybe not.

Thinking of Chris though brought him back to the present issue of the party. The party he knew was for him and that Mike was sure to kick his ass for when he didn’t show up.

Jensen was already standing in front of the bar, one he usually did not frequent but that was probably more because he didn’t have time to actually go clubbing or bar hopping anymore. His work load had doubled in the last months and he didn’t even mind not going out that much anymore.

The bar was kind of smoky, the air stuffy and it took a second for his eyes to adjust to the blurry low lights, to the saloon-like atmosphere. He wondered why Mike had chosen this establishment in the first placed. He wasn’t even from Texas but he usually tried to assimilate the local culture as he called it.

It usually meant making cowboy and horse jokes, getting drunk on Tequila (how fucking clichéd was the anyway?) and insisting on using a fake Texan drawl which made Jensen want to laugh himself to death, strangle Mike every time he opened his mouth, puke all over the place and plead for his ears to be saved or all four things simultaneously.

He wasn’t even sure why he was friends with him. It was probably his sub-consciousness trying to tell him something, but he wasn’t ready to listen to it and admit to himself how lonely he actually was.

The air cleared a little as Jensen warily made his way into the bar, looking for people he knew. It was packed, which wasn’t unusual considering it was Saturday, that is was Country Bar Club or whatever you wanted to call it and that is was in the middle of Dallas.

Jensen harboured the slight hope that tonight would be different from all the other nights he had been out with Mike. He really did hope that Mike wouldn’t try, wouldn’t even think to pimp him out and set him up with some ridiculously clothed wannabe cowboy he thought Jensen might find hot or some equally ridiculously clothed cowgirl.

He had about a second to convince himself that Mike wouldn’t, not tonight of all nights, when he was engulfed in two pairs of strong arms and was almost lifted off the ground. That in itself was almost a miracle considering that the two men currently holding him were several inches smaller. The next thing he knew was that his face was aching from grinning so much.

“Hey Jenny.” He should really try and get his friends to stop calling him like that. That and the drawl were things Jensen would recognize it everywhere. Not that he had needed to hear the voice to know who had almost swept him off his feet. He hated to admit that being in Chris’ arms felt good and it was nothing sexual. He just felt home, which kind of was the reason for the stupid grin that was no plastered on his face.

“Chris. Steve. I thought you guys would be in Nashville?”

He had successfully managed to untangle himself from the heap that were his two best friends. He hated looking like a dork in public, or, well, mostly everywhere.

“Aww come on, do you really think we would miss the party? Especially today? Birthday and promotion. Damn Jen, when will you be a partner huh?” Steve looked like he was about to hit him over the head for even suggesting they wouldn’t be there but there was only mirth and no real anger in his eyes.

Jensen grinned, hugged them both again and managed to hit Mike on the arm while being almost crushed. The indignant squeak would be denied vehemently, later though right then it was good for a laugh.

“You know how I hate surprises. But thanks man.” Jensen could see Mike beaming.

“No problem. Thought you might like some friendly faces around. Besides me of course.”

“You are a friendly face? Since when?” He ducked away under Mike’s punch right into Riley who had just arrived. Another crushing hug followed and Jensen was whisked away to the bar.

***

Several beers and shots later Jensen was immersed in a conversation he only got halfway. He wasn’t sure if it was because of the alcohol level in his blood or because Riley, Steve and Chris were talking at the same time about three different stories.

The things he did get where confusing to say the least. But he did knew now that Riley had a new girlfriend called Danneel something. A thought flashing through his mind had him thinking that the name rang a bell but Jensen got distracted when Steve started talking about him needing to get laid. Which of course was something Jensen wholeheartedly agreed to in his state of inebriation but felt slightly sick when he figured out that Steve had been talking about himself and not about Jensen.

On his other side, Chris was talking about the tour and the band and new songs he had written and somewhere in between asked Jensen if he wanted to sing with them when they are in tow for some shows. Jensen wasn’t really sure what he had answered because Mike had popped up right in front of him then.

That’s where Mike still was now, right in Jensen face trying to get his attention but Riley was tugging at his hand and Jensen somehow ended up with another shot glass. He downed it, grateful for the second he didn’t have to look at Mike making faces at him.

“… and I miss her… really, really miss her. Never.. you know, never felt like that before.” Riley was talking into his ear. Only then did Jensen realise that he was kind of entangled with Riley, arms around his shoulders and all.

“So why isn’t she here then?” Jensen managed not to slur all that much but Mike’s grimace told him that his Texan accent had slipped more than it should have after his time in New York. He always tried to not sound like a back water hick, mainly due to his job and his position in the company. In the bar among his friends though he didn’t care, not even that Mike probably only understood half of what they were slurring.

Riley’s arm pulled him even closer which only made Mike scowl harder. Jensen was confused. Had he missed something? He never knew that Mike cared so much if he cuddled up with his oldest friends or not.

Not that he was much of a cuddler when sober but alcohol made him lose a lot of his reservations and boundaries. That’s why he usually only ever got drunk with his best friends around. People he could trust. He didn’t want to end up with a marker moustache drawn on his face or in someone’s bed without really knowing what had happened. He had enough of that in his wild college days and really didn’t need to relive those experiences.

“I told you man, she is in San Antone. Business with her sister and dad. Something about another company and so on… Dunno. Don’t care.”

Jensen could only nod, nothing much to say to that. Because really, he had totally forgotten what the question had been. He thought it might have been about Riley’s new girlfriend but he wasn’t so sure anymore. This last shot might have been a bit too much. His mind was slightly foggy and he was sure that some of his limbs had developed a life of its own. Riley laughed at something Steve had said, which Jensen had missed as well. And Mike, the vulture he could be, used Jensen’s slight confusion to snag him away from the save cocoon that were his equally drunk best friends.

Jensen knew he should dig his heels in, should stop Mike and wherever they were going but he somehow couldn’t. Mike had a grip on him, dragged him over the dance floor to another group of people and Jensen was pretty sure he wanted to flee. There was no way he would let Mike introduce him to those… he couldn’t even find the right word in his fogged up mind but he knew he absolutely didn’t want to spent any time with them at all. Those guys were the absolute opposite to anything he found attractive in a man. And he had a slight feeling that it would be hard to lose them again once they had attached themselves to a suitable prey.

“No Mike.. Please. Mikey, really. No. Not.. not them. Mike!”

His protests fell on deaf ears and before he could say anything else he was standing among four or five young man decked out in skin tight silvery pants, tank tops and glitter all over. Jensen wondered how they had gotten into downtown Dallas and into a bar like that without at least having hordes of homophobic cowboys following them.

“They belong to the variety group they had on stage earlier. Guys this is Jensen and it’s his birthday today. Be nice to him.”

For a few seconds Jensen just stood, shocked and wide-eyed in the midst of these guys he wouldn’t have stepped close to even if they had been the last men on earth. Well okay, he would have talked to them, he was one of the last people who would judge just based how someone looked.

But seriously, Mike wouldn’t really think that this is what he wanted, right? Mike always went for the extremes, no matter if men or women, and Jensen always ended up being the one trying to flatten the waves in the aftermath.

In his drunken state though he had no real idea what to do other than excuse himself, slide out from the circle of glitter and hungry eyes and follow Mike back.

“Mike! So not my type, asshole.” Jensen hissed and slapped Mike across the back of his head, not a small amount of satisfaction in him when Mike actually flinched. “Why do you always do that? What the hell was that anyway? I am not that drunk Mike, and I so don’t need you to pick someone up. Neither am I in the mood for one of your pranks.”

Mike shrugged, patted him on the back and smiled rather sadly at him, “Just wanted to help. Wouldn’t have worked anyway, the way you were draped all over Riley before. They saw it.”

“Who cares Mike? Not my type. Really, thank you and all… But could you maybe stop doing that?” The march across the dance floor, twice that night, had sobered him up somewhat. Sober enough to have heard and been rather surprised at Mike’s questions.

“So what is your type Jen? You never tell. Do you even know what your type is?” Mike was looking at him with a determination that surprised Jensen even more than the question itself. It was indeed a valid question and it would stay in the back of his mind for the rest of the party.

Jensen was spared an answer though when Sandy bounced up to them, hugged him and didn’t let go of him for the rest of the night. The rest of the night though was a blur to Jensen.

PART 2