I just don't get it...
Super Bowl. Giants won.
...Yay?
Umm...yeah. I just don't get what the big whoop is about. Go right ahead and say I'm un-American; I don't care. I never understood why football is so important to people in the States, just like I can't understand what the big deal is about cricket in India.
...I'm so not a sports person, lol.
In other news, I'm back in school! W00t!
I guess I kinda missed the intellectualism of it all, but I think I really needed that break I got by going to the Center last year. Not to mention my reading is actually really fun this semester, and doesn't really consist of putmetosleep!boring articles and textbooks; and my class content is just as interesting.
I missed college a little, I guess.
But there's one thing I hate--the loneliness. I have no social network, save for a two friends I met in Fall 2006, and a couple people I know who go to our mosque in Fremont; and I haven't heard head or tail from them.
I feel a little rejected. It doesn't help that I live in an apartment that is currently sister-less, and when sister dearest leaves to go to her job in DC, I'll be alone. Again.
I don't like living by myself; I'm sucking it up, but it's getting really difficult.
I've been told I should join some clubs and stuff; thus, I've signed up for a hip-hop dance class at the YWCA that's just across from campus, and I signed up to be a youth mentor, but I haven't heard back from the latter just yet. The anime club on campus holds my interest to some degree, but I don't know anyone else there, and I feel awkward going alone, not that I know anyone who really wants to go with me at 7 in the evening on Mondays. Same thing with joining the Indian Students Association (ISA) on campus; I feel awkward going alone.
I don't totally understand it myself; I'm generally an outgoing person, and I like to socialize, but... It's like that spark that makes me want to go out and meet new people has become a dim flicker, and I don't know why. I've slipped into a routine: wake up, go to class, come home and turn my brain to cheese while staring at the comp or TV screen, read for the next day. Any social thing I do is on the weekend, usually on a Saturday, and that's because C. comes over to keep me company.
This...thing...is eating me from the inside, and I don't know what to do about it.
It's hampering my creative process as well; I feel like I haven't written a decent piece of writing in months, which is probably true. It's killing my optimism and making me kind of depressed and sad and uncharacteristically weepy; my poor honey thinks that's actually his fault, but it's not really.
I'm...just not in love with life anymore, and I want that hunger, that drive back. That's what I'm missing -- that yearning you have to go out and do something great and make a new friend and get involved. I have a semblance of that instead; I'm not yearning for life so much that I'm feeling restless, like everything I'm craving for is within my grasp, except that my fingers keep falling short. I don't know what to do to be able to reach that extra distance and claim the trophy that is my yearning.
It doesn't help that I have to say goodbye to him soon, and that the time we have left together is extremely limited. He was going to try to come and see me, but now that looks impossible, since sister dearest is coming back from India next weekend instead of this week (read: a bloody week and a half late than she'd planned, just because she bloody effing can), which means she'll be here during the time he'd be able to come here, and that just...wouldn't work. And that just makes me more sad that I won't be able to see him before he leaves for two years.
If you've read Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicles (or seen the anime), in the very beginning you see Sakura and Syaoran facing each other, each with a look of desperation on their faces, their hands perfectly aligned through the glass barrier of the hourglass. And as Sakura's wings sprout from her back and pull her into the sky, you see Syaoran banging with his fists on the barrier, wanting to get through even though he can't.
I'm Syaoran in this case, and the barrier is a combination of time and distance and certain aspects of life. If only I could break through that damn barrier. If only that barrier never existed.
I want a happy ending, but I knew going into this that I wasn't going to get one, so I'm not regretful for what we've become. I neither regret nor care that my heart is going to be broken when he's gone, because I'm so in love with him, and I want to hold on to what we have for as long as I can.
I want to stay in this romantic relationship for as long as we both can hold it together, and I will. Eventually, we'll go back to being close friends, and even then nothing will be too different; the only difference will be that we will possibly have found the strength to move on to other relationships.
Most of all though, I want him to be happy, and I want him to smile. And if, for him, that means he wants out, then I will let him go when he asks me to.
Honestly, I knew this month and next month were going to be hard, I did. I...just don't want it to be true; I want things to go back to being dandy and glorious and like roses in summer. Call me selfish, but I'm not ready to see him leave, and to tell him goodbye, and I probably won't be ready even when the day of his departure comes.
I am thankful for one thing though; I'm thankful that I've had him for as long as I have. Monday makes four months for us, and that makes me very happy. These last few months have been some of the best in my life; he's my star, and he makes my universe shine with a brilliance I can't describe.
I can't remember ever being so happy with someone else...not that I've ever been with someone else anyway. The effect he has on my thoughts, and my emotions, and my day in general is magical; the sound of his voice, whether it's in my head or in my ear, is enough to put a silly grin on my face.
Today is one of those days, though, that I miss him so much, it hurts deep, deep inside and brings tears to my eyes.
I'm such a girl in love, so very deeply and happily in love... And I'm not ready to come out of it, either. ♥♥♥
...Yay?
Umm...yeah. I just don't get what the big whoop is about. Go right ahead and say I'm un-American; I don't care. I never understood why football is so important to people in the States, just like I can't understand what the big deal is about cricket in India.
...I'm so not a sports person, lol.
In other news, I'm back in school! W00t!
I guess I kinda missed the intellectualism of it all, but I think I really needed that break I got by going to the Center last year. Not to mention my reading is actually really fun this semester, and doesn't really consist of putmetosleep!boring articles and textbooks; and my class content is just as interesting.
I missed college a little, I guess.
But there's one thing I hate--the loneliness. I have no social network, save for a two friends I met in Fall 2006, and a couple people I know who go to our mosque in Fremont; and I haven't heard head or tail from them.
I feel a little rejected. It doesn't help that I live in an apartment that is currently sister-less, and when sister dearest leaves to go to her job in DC, I'll be alone. Again.
I don't like living by myself; I'm sucking it up, but it's getting really difficult.
I've been told I should join some clubs and stuff; thus, I've signed up for a hip-hop dance class at the YWCA that's just across from campus, and I signed up to be a youth mentor, but I haven't heard back from the latter just yet. The anime club on campus holds my interest to some degree, but I don't know anyone else there, and I feel awkward going alone, not that I know anyone who really wants to go with me at 7 in the evening on Mondays. Same thing with joining the Indian Students Association (ISA) on campus; I feel awkward going alone.
I don't totally understand it myself; I'm generally an outgoing person, and I like to socialize, but... It's like that spark that makes me want to go out and meet new people has become a dim flicker, and I don't know why. I've slipped into a routine: wake up, go to class, come home and turn my brain to cheese while staring at the comp or TV screen, read for the next day. Any social thing I do is on the weekend, usually on a Saturday, and that's because C. comes over to keep me company.
This...thing...is eating me from the inside, and I don't know what to do about it.
It's hampering my creative process as well; I feel like I haven't written a decent piece of writing in months, which is probably true. It's killing my optimism and making me kind of depressed and sad and uncharacteristically weepy; my poor honey thinks that's actually his fault, but it's not really.
I'm...just not in love with life anymore, and I want that hunger, that drive back. That's what I'm missing -- that yearning you have to go out and do something great and make a new friend and get involved. I have a semblance of that instead; I'm not yearning for life so much that I'm feeling restless, like everything I'm craving for is within my grasp, except that my fingers keep falling short. I don't know what to do to be able to reach that extra distance and claim the trophy that is my yearning.
It doesn't help that I have to say goodbye to him soon, and that the time we have left together is extremely limited. He was going to try to come and see me, but now that looks impossible, since sister dearest is coming back from India next weekend instead of this week (read: a bloody week and a half late than she'd planned, just because she bloody effing can), which means she'll be here during the time he'd be able to come here, and that just...wouldn't work. And that just makes me more sad that I won't be able to see him before he leaves for two years.
If you've read Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicles (or seen the anime), in the very beginning you see Sakura and Syaoran facing each other, each with a look of desperation on their faces, their hands perfectly aligned through the glass barrier of the hourglass. And as Sakura's wings sprout from her back and pull her into the sky, you see Syaoran banging with his fists on the barrier, wanting to get through even though he can't.
I'm Syaoran in this case, and the barrier is a combination of time and distance and certain aspects of life. If only I could break through that damn barrier. If only that barrier never existed.
I want a happy ending, but I knew going into this that I wasn't going to get one, so I'm not regretful for what we've become. I neither regret nor care that my heart is going to be broken when he's gone, because I'm so in love with him, and I want to hold on to what we have for as long as I can.
I want to stay in this romantic relationship for as long as we both can hold it together, and I will. Eventually, we'll go back to being close friends, and even then nothing will be too different; the only difference will be that we will possibly have found the strength to move on to other relationships.
Most of all though, I want him to be happy, and I want him to smile. And if, for him, that means he wants out, then I will let him go when he asks me to.
Honestly, I knew this month and next month were going to be hard, I did. I...just don't want it to be true; I want things to go back to being dandy and glorious and like roses in summer. Call me selfish, but I'm not ready to see him leave, and to tell him goodbye, and I probably won't be ready even when the day of his departure comes.
I am thankful for one thing though; I'm thankful that I've had him for as long as I have. Monday makes four months for us, and that makes me very happy. These last few months have been some of the best in my life; he's my star, and he makes my universe shine with a brilliance I can't describe.
I can't remember ever being so happy with someone else...not that I've ever been with someone else anyway. The effect he has on my thoughts, and my emotions, and my day in general is magical; the sound of his voice, whether it's in my head or in my ear, is enough to put a silly grin on my face.
Today is one of those days, though, that I miss him so much, it hurts deep, deep inside and brings tears to my eyes.
I'm such a girl in love, so very deeply and happily in love... And I'm not ready to come out of it, either. ♥♥♥