[fanfic] AtLA: To Shoot the Sun
Title: To Shoot the Sun
Author: ice-of-dreams
Rating: PG13
Pairing: Mai/Zuko
Warnings: Angsty
Summary: Four years into marriage and the Fire Lord and his Lady are having troubles.
This was written with The Scarlet Pimpernel's soundtrack playing in the background. Particularly: When I look at You AND She Was There
Disclaimer: Avatar: The Last Airbender sprouted from the brilliant minds of Michael Dante DiMartino and Bryan Konietzko, and is owned by Nickelodeon. I'm borrowing them for a while. I promise I'll return them.
To Shoot the Sun
Zuko was staring at the papers in front of him blindly. They were suggestions on what he could do to the former prisoners of war that had been held in Lake Logai. While all of the war prisoners had been granted amnesty after Sozin's Comet, the Lake Logai prisoners were a special case. It was hard to decide what to do with more than a hundred people who were both tortured and brain washed. Some of them couldn't really function in the world without care, hence the extended problem that it created for him.
Another problem was that not all of those held in Lake Logai were Fire Nation prisoners. Some of them were purely Long Feng's prisoners, and of course, legitimate Earth Kingdom prisoners. So both he and the Earth King had to communicate frequently to weed one out from the other. Though he might want to take most of the blame for the Dai Li, the mere fact is, they have existed before his reign, they have existed before his father's hand in the Earth Kingdom, so it was not entirely his burden alone. And although it was easier on his end to determine who Fire Kingdom prisoners were, it was difficult to decide what to do with them.
He and the Earth King exchanged a lot of official documents over the years with regard to the Dai Li and Lake Logai. There was nothing much he could do about it but read the letters and approve or disapprove and send counter suggestions. It made him feel completely useless.
It was because of the helplessness of over those prisoners of war that he'd spiraled down to the helplessness of his problem with Mai.
He looked out of his window, where the sun filtered brightly and overlooked the gardens where Mai was with Shenzu and Zanmei. At three and two, they were already taking playful steps in the garden under their mother's watchful supervision.
He leaned his head against his hands in frustration. Four years into marriage, and she already didn't want him. He'd known clearly that Mai was the ice maiden, that she was cool, and aloof, and that she didn't share emotionally easily. He just didn't understand how it could have happened with him.
They'd stopped playing, he understood that because she was so tired and she had two children to look after that she'd have less time for him. But she'd almost completely withdrawn from his life.
It started with the games. She stopped initiating anything sexual with him. So she wanted space, he gave her that. Her second pregnancy had exhausted her, and her third was - it had been a disaster.
Then she moved to the Fire Lady's suite. Not completely, but after a while she started spending less and less time with him in his suite. It was a subtle reminder that she didn't want his advances, because Mai had a very light hand in court. Later, she brought the children to her room to sleep. Nothing wrong with that, even if they had perfectly good nurseries and wet nurses, Mai had always liked taking care of them. It had been a surprise because she had hated watching Tom-tom.
Zuko resented everyone else's time with his wife. He couldn't even sneak in the dead of the night to her bed. Not that he'd tried since she moved, because he thought he'd give her some months to recover.
Was this why father hated me? Because I took so much of mother's time? He shook his head at that. He didn't want to go there. He loved his children. He told her he wanted a lot of them. Enough to fill the rooms of the palace, because what's the point of having a large home without children to fill it? And what's the point of being a blasted royal if he couldn't spend the money on his children?
He felt the familiar feeling of helplessness again. The choking, cloying feeling of desperation. The burn behind his eyes the intense heaviness in his chest.
He'd known it was going to hurt him terribly if she stopped caring for him.
He just hadn't anticipated how much.
oOo
Mai dusted the robes of three year old Shenzu while trying to keep Zanmei from eating the grass that she'd plucked. She smiled at both of them fondly before saying, "Are you tired of the sunshine, my darlings?"
"No!" "Nu-uh"
She examined Shenzu's leg to see if he'd sustained injuries, but since he didn't have any, she set him down again to play conqueror of the world, while he bossed around his younger sister who tried to pantomime her brother. Zuko had worried he might just start trying to conquer the world he became Fire Lord, Zuko always worried. Mai had reassured him that he'd played the game plenty of times when growing up, and he didn't have the extreme urges to start invading the neighboring kingdoms anytime soon.
He wasn't easily reassured - when had Zuko ever been easily reassured? - but she promptly told him that at three, he could start teaching them about what he valued. That discussion had prompted him to talk to Shenzu about honor, to which the boy listened with wide eyes. Zuko emphasized his points by playing military with his son often. Most of the time, they accosted bandits and wrong doers in the Fire Nation. Zuko even let Shenzu be the Blue Spirit from time to time. His son loved playing the Blue Spirit without knowing that this masked bandit he hero worshiped was his father. They upheld peace, protected their borders, slapped down mythical invading sea-slugs and helped other nations when they sent calls for distress.
Zuko. Her heart clenched in the feeling of distress that she was accustomed to lately. The feel of her heart pounding against her chest like it was suddenly larger and heavier than she could hold. She looked up at his study wondering if he even bothered to see her with his children.
They've become complete strangers. After knowing each other for most of their lives, they had suddenly, drastically become acquaintances sharing this large house with nothing in common but children.
He was having trouble with the military. She knew that. She'd given him space because he was having so many problems lately.
What was worrying the Fire Lord now was the lack of jobs. With most of the people slowly being recalled from the colonies, and the lack of any invading forces, he needed less military and more trade. So they needed to start investments and markets and land reform. He had reallocated the military budget, which did not make him popular. Because for years, this military had been taught they were right and that they'd been given the divine right to educate the lesser masses.
They trained their children from the beginning to be soldiers, and the Fire Lord had suddenly stripped them of that pride. What does one do with a nation filled with soldiers and no position to hold them? Send them back to farms and ask them apprentice as merchants?
So he needed to be out, visiting the men and even the schools and the locals. Soothing their egos and their pride. Promoting positive change.
He came home exhausted and was usually dead asleep soon after. His advisers closeted him away at day barring her from him. Truthfully, she'd never bothered trying to go to him during meetings, because he'd somehow always managed to make time for her. Now that she was attempting to, no one was admitting her.
The only time she managed to see him was with the children, and after that he was too tired for anything else.
Then of course she had to miscarry the baby, their third child together. And her healer had told her that she should keep from - what was it they used again? - sexual congress with the Fire Lord.
She moved to the Fire Lady's apartments so that she wouldn't be tempted. Because she was addicted to the feel of him against her skin, the slide of him against her, his breath against her ear. And he was too exhausted; he needed his rest, that she'd agreed when the maids made room for her things in her suite.
She didn't even think he noticed her absence. He'd been falling asleep before her for months before she completely moved to the Fire Lady's rooms. She had not wanted to be a bother, so she left.
And because she was so terribly lonely and bored, she brought her children in the suites. But by then, it didn't matter because he'd stopped wanting to see her.
She leaned against the tree trunk gasping for air that was suddenly too hot to breathe while she watched her children play around the tree's large roots.
Oh Agni, she'd always known that she was meant to be by Zuko's side.
She just never thought of the possibility that he was never meant to be by hers.
Zuko implemented strict rules for dinner. He wanted his family together, so most of the courtier moved around their meal schedules. Sometimes, it couldn't be helped that they dined with the court. Most of the time though, Mai managed to keep dinner a family affair. They had sectioned off a small room to serve as an informal dining room that could also serve as an informal meeting room. During dinner servants brought in low tables to place the food on and the family sat around pillows.
The children both ate with their parents while both wet nurses tidied up after the toddlers. Mai had nursed both children, scandalizing even Ursa a little. She did employ the wet nurses for help in changing diapers and watching them so that she could circle the politics surrounding court better. It was especially useful that the women doubled as bodyguards, because though Tom-tom had never been in any true danger with the Avatar, Zuko was sure that there were more unsavory groups that could try with his own children. It also gave Mai time to pursue her imperial duties.
"Mai, I'm going to talk to the Earth King over the weekend." It was mainly a business trip, but he wanted to spend time with her. It seemed like the perfect break for both of them, an almost vacation. "Do you want to come and bring the children along?"
She frowned. He shouldn't have asked. She probably wants to spend some time with the children without him. Mai had grown even more listless these past few months. It wasn't simple ennui; it was like everything around her was bleak. She had never liked court, she probably hated the fact that he brought her into the center of the most rigid one of all.
"All right," her answer took him by surprise and he almost sighed in visible relief. It would do them good time spent together. Maybe he could talk to Iroh about what was wrong with him. Maybe Mai could love him again. Maybe the moon would come down. Mai followed up her agreement with, "Let's make it just the four of us."
He stopped reaching for the smoked sea slug and stared at her, a flicker of dismay on his face quickly concealed. He'd asked for his children because he spent so little time with them, but he'd wanted time alone with her too. It would have been better if she'd wanted some of the entourage to come so that someone could share the burden of the children. They would never get the time together if she was constantly taking care of the little ones. But if she wanted time to herself, he was prepared to give her anything. "Of course, Mai, whatever you want."
oOo
It was probably one of the most difficult moments in her life to keep a blank expression. He had made her less of a courtier in front of him, and now she suddenly needed it as defense against him.
He wanted buffers between them. The wet nurses and entourage. Maybe Fire Nation guards. But because she'd asked he agreed. He always agreed to her requests. Almost always. She rubbed her thumb against the back of her neck.
What had she said? Pain to remember when she couldn't feel anymore? Maybe he'd be willing to burn her now that he couldn't bear to touch her.
Zanmei was cradled in Mai's arms out on the deck of one of the Fire Lord's ships, sitting on the lounge that the captain had provided for the royal family. They were dressed in Earth Kingdom garb with Fire Nation passports. It reminded her of her family trip to Ba Sing Se.
"Mama, Dress green!" Zanmei said in wonder around the new word. She'd repeated it a couple of times as well. It was a new color to Zanmei who, as a princess of the Fire nation, was relegated to reds, blacks, golds and the occasional white. "Pretty!"
"Yes, my darling, you are a pretty little button," Mai affirmed as she tweaked Zanmei's nose while the princess squirmed around trying to see everything at once. Though the royal-family had a summer home in Ember Island, Zuko and Mai had yet to take Zanmei out on a boat and everything was a new experience.
"Down!" Zanmei ordered imperiously. She wanted to explore the deck. Mai looked around. It was a royal-class ship, and although it had amenities for the Fire Lord's family, it certainly wasn't a luxury vessel. It wasn't particularly made for keeping children. Zanmei was going to run into one of the hands scuttling about working. Or worse, fall into the sea. With no waterbenders. Right.
"Are you leaving Mama alone, sweet?" Mai asked instead.
"Gege up!" Zanmei pouted, using the word for older brother to refer to Shenzu. The eldest of the siblings was currently sitting on Zuko's shoulders while Zuko pointed at the Elephant-koi which were migrating to the warm islands for summer.
"Dad," Mai called out. Whenever they were with the children, they encouraged them to use the proper address, but seeing as they were babies and father was still a large word, dad and mom was used between the two of them. Zuko turned at her voice and gave her a smile. It was the first time she'd seen him smile in ages. "Come trade with me, Zanmei wants to see the elephant-koi."
Zuko trotted up to her and deposited a laughing Shenzu on her lap. "Stay with mama, gege. Keep her company while Daddy takes care of mei-mei?"
Shenzu nodded, ever the obedient child. Zanmei leapt up to Zuko, and they went back to their spot at the bridge. Mai looked at them wistfully before focusing on her son. He had tilted his head then crammed himself close to her. "Mama is sad?"
"Oh no, my darling," Mai wrapped her arms around Shenzu. He looked a lot like his father, and he'd taken to the fact that Zuko was almost always serious. "I am just heartsick. We'll be meeting your uncle Tom-tom, and Grandfather Iroh, and I realized that I missed them terribly."
But not as much as she missed her husband.
oOo
After taking a bath together with Shenzu, Zuko was helping the child dress up. Mai had already finished bathing and clothing Zanmei. He knelt down and combed the boy's hair which fell around his chin. In a year or so it could be tied properly, but since he was still a child and hadn't earned it yet, it settled around his face.
He tugged a lock because with Shenzu's hair down, framing his face and hiding some of the chubbiness, Zuko remembered Mai as a kid. All awkward and gangly. Adorable, but awkward and gangly. Zuko grinned. "You look like your mother, my prince."
The young boy frowned as he shook his head from side to side. "Not papa?"
"I should hope not. Your mother is decidedly handsomer than I am," Zuko pointed out as he opened the door towards their shared cabin and ushered Shenzu in.
Mai was already in bed, arms around a sleepy Zanmei. Shenzu scrambled up the bed and deposited himself at the middle of the bed tilting his head slightly as he looked at his mother. "Mama, you are handsome."
Mai laughed softly, trying not to wake Zanmei up. It had been the first time he'd seen her happy. So maybe, just maybe, the trip wasn't as bad as he thought it might be. "Where did you hear that, my darling?"
"Papa says so," Shenzu told on him. Zuko blushed as he leaned against the bathroom door, watching Mai with their children. He should have known Shenzu would tell his mother about it. He always talked to his mother. "I look like Mama?"
Mai looked up and raised an eyebrow at Zuko. He shrugged at her, because what else could he say in defense to that? She then leaned down and touched her forehead with Shenzu's own. "Of course, my darling. You look like mama because you are a part of her. But you look like papa too." Mai pressed a finger on Shenzu's nose, which made him giggle. Zuko wondered if he asked about it, she'd touch him on the nose too. "There see that is your father's nose right there. Those eyelashes did not come from me. And your eyes are firebender eyes, my darling, a deeper gold with flecks of fire compared to mine."
"Mmmkay!" Shenzu said as he fluffed the pillow behind him and lay down to sleep, curiosity abated for a while. He closed his eyes for a moment before opening them again. "Papa going here? Sleep with us?"
"You should ask your father, my darling," Mai whispered as she shifted Zanmei down carefully beside her brother. Then she raised her eyes to look at Zuko again in question.
Zuko ran his hand through his hair. He hadn't slept with them as a family in a while because Mai kept them all in her bed. And there was just so much room in the Fire Lady's bed to keep both children and her in it. But the navy had pressed together four futons to accommodate them. He walked over and sat beside Shenzu. "I'll talk to the captain first, Shenzu, because we're in his ship and he invited me for drinks after supper, remember? And a royal always strives to keep his promise."
"Stay with us?" Shenzu asked sleepily, his body coming to terms with the fact that the sun had set and it had been a tiring day. There was no doubt about it, Shenzu was a firebender. Young firebenders were unusually weak during the evenings until they learned some basics to stay up regardless of the setting sun.
"Of course, my prince," Zuko answered, as he ran his hand against his son's dark hair in reassurance. "Whatever you want."
The prince was already asleep. Zuko's eyes turned to Mai, she was watching him tenderly, and with just a little bit of pain that he'd come to terms with and recognized because he'd seen it when he looked at the mirror. "And you, fire of my heart, is there anything you want?"
She reacted to that by closing herself off. It hurt him because they used to talk more than this, and she used to want so much more from him. "Just you, my lord, come back."
He didn't understand. Of course he'd come back. It was just a trip down the hallway, and just a few drinks of that amber liquid he hated but needed to partake. It was politics and then not quite. "All right, Mai. I will."
She closed her eyes and then curled beside Zanmei. He kissed her forehead and straightened carefully to walk towards the hallway. When he stepped out he waved his hand to extinguish the fires in the room before closing the door shut.
He leaned against the metallic door, trying to gain his balance. But he knew he couldn't ever hope to gain that now that his world was sliding out of his control.
"Grandpapa Iroh, what is heartsick?" Shenzu asked as he played with wooded blocks on the low table of the earth kingdom tea shop.
Iroh's world sharpened at the question as Shenzu continued to build blocks, not really paying attention to the way the adult had focused on him. "Where did you hear the words, Prince Shenzu?"
"Mama is heartsick. She says so." Shenzu stole a look at Mai who was quietly talking to Ursa while Zanmei drank in plastic teacups and toddled around the low table with stuffed animals. "She's not sad."
The last time he saw Mai and Zuko, they had just gotten pregnant with Zanmei and the world was right. They had been in love and eagerly waiting for a child. But Mai had become sick after the birth, and the problems with the military had come up that neither the Fire Lord nor his Lady had come to bring either child for a visit. It had taken them an entire year and a half and the letter from the Earth King to come.
But maybe there were other reasons that he hadn't thought of.
"Mama missed grandpapa." Shenzu bit his lip as he looked at Mai. "You're not heartsick?"
He very much doubted it was him that Mai actually missed. Regardless of circumstance, it was always difficult to read Mai. Trained rigidly from birth, Mai was the perfect noble's daughter. No visible outward emotions and easily pliable. Until you find her cold anger and her sharp steel. "Lady Mai just needs family, Prince Shenzu, so always remember to show your mother that you love her."
Prince Shenzu stopped banging blocks. He jumped up and then barreled into Mai, who gave a short huff of expelled air when her son knocked the wind out of her. Mai laughed and smoothed the stray locks that had fallen from the short pony tail Shenzu wore. "Mama, I love you."
Surprise flickered in Mai's eyes, and then she leaned down and hugged the young prince. "Of course, my darling. Mama loves you too."
oOo
"Hey hotstuff, I thought you had a meeting?" Toph said as she sauntered over the gardens of the Earth Kingdom Castle, invading Zuko's privacy. She had grown remarkably well over the years. She was still largely a brat, and she still found innumerable ways to be annoying, but as a young adult Toph was the most mature of group. "If I'd known you'd be sulking I would have tried to find you sooner."
"What happened to sparky?" Zuko said, annoyed as he watched her crossing towards the large boulder he'd claimed as his own. "I was partial to that name myself."
"You do not feel like a sparky right now," Toph answered, her feet meandering around the ponds. "Come on, hotness, let's get you rip-roaring drunk."
"I'm here on official business," he protested weakly. That was his entire excuse for being here. He had managed to send Mai and the children out to meet her family and his, but he had wanted to finish work. "I just can't disappear in the middle of the day because you want to drag me to the lower rim!"
"Uhuh. This official business of yours is the reason why you're here in the middle of this garden, just outside of the throne room where the Earth King has this wide schedule free," Toph pointed out. She had checked the Earth King first, and he was just playing with his large pet. He also told her that the talks between the Fire Nation and Earth Nation had already finished that morning, and that the Fire Lord had mainly come to see how Lake Logai was doing and to visit family.
"I'm not sulking," he protested weakly. But Toph could feel him grip the boulder more tightly, and the slight tensing of his muscles. Not only was he sulking, he was defensive.
"Try again, hotstuff," Toph said gently, finally reaching him, giving his hand a hard pull. He dropped down to her level. He should have known better than to think she would take his excuses. And he should have known that when he visited, she'd come for him. "I can tell when you're lying, remember? And you were never any good at it. It's a good thing you were pulled out of court at thirteen or you might never have survived."
That was how Toph had ended up with a completely drunk Fire Lord, in the middle of the day while in the lower rim. If her mother found out, she might just suddenly decide that political standing be damned, the Fire Lord was bad company.
Further insight to said fire Lord's company was provided when Zuko finally downed enough liquid courage to tell her the reason why he'd been going through the motions of court, but hadn't been the enthusiastic idealistic politician he was most of the time. "She doesn't love me anymore."
"We're talking about the Ice Lady here right?" Toph clarified, voicing out the words slowly. Her nickname for Mai derived from Mai's formal title and the rather quaint nickname Ice Queen they'd heard in court. "The one you reassured me in your engagement who always knew you'd be together. The one who waited for you to return not once but twice. The one who betrayed her closest friend in the world because she loved you more. That Ice Lady."
He gave an indignant huff as he downed another glass of the hard liquor. Zuko's palate only tolerated hard liquor. Which was strange because his body metabolized it so slowly, he was drunk by one glass. But of course he doesn't slur. He just looks dorkier. "Whose love would matter more?"
Toph sighed, because she did not want to get into a sappy conversation with him. No, she had wanted a sane one. Of course if she wanted answers, he needed to be drunk. Which didn't lead to sane answers. But there you go. She picked her ear absentmindedly. "Just checking, hotstuff. Why'd you say that?"
"She doesn't tie me down anymore!" Zuko practically wailed. "And we don't use the pattern wielded knives-"
Toph shoved another glass on his hands and encouraged him to drink it to shut him up. However much she wanted to listen to his problems, there were some things that she didn't want to hear about him and Mai. If he was bragging about the sex, she could deal. She was man enough to listen to that. But the mere fact that she knew they engaged in bloodplay seriously creeped her out. She was a prude, who'd have thought?
"So this is about your lack of sex life?" Toph asked in incredulous tones. "Agni crushed, Zuko, really? Because you know Mai is head over heels with you. I doubt any other person in court is -" sick "- in love enough to agree, let alone want those knives close to their balls."
He groaned as he downed the glass and laid his head on the table. "She's avoiding me. She doesn't sleep in my room anymore. She spends all of her time with the children. She doesn't talk to me anymore."
"Have you tried talking to her?"
"She's the dominant figure in this relationship!" He managed enough fire to put into that statement. That didn't come as a surprise. The Fire Lord's current family structure was outwardly patriarchal and inwardly matriarchal. "If she doesn't want me, I should be man enough to walk away!"
"So you're saying you've tried to talk?"
He rolled his head around the table again. Drunk Zuko was amusing. Drunk depressed Zuko was rather pathetic. "What am I supposed to do, beg her to love me again? I'm Fire Lord. She's trapped in the relationship. We have children together for Agni's sake. I could divorce her with no problem but she doesn't have recourse to do that."
He believed that. Zuko with his unwavering faith in Mai had suddenly drastically been made unsure. Somehow, somewhere Mai had managed to send mixed signals. Zuko with his inability to read social cues had suddenly misread someone he'd previously read so easily. It made him... bereft. Toph doubted that Mai could suddenly stop loving him. Mai might not be her bestest friend in the world, but Toph knew that Mai was more than in love with Zuko. "So you're guilty thinking that she's staying by your side because she can't be anywhere else, yeah?"
"Yes."
Toph sighed. She wasn't going to be able to convince Zuko of anything rational. Not with this state of mind. She needed to talk to Queen Mother Ursa. She took a deep breath. Never mind, she wasn't close enough with Ursa to unload this bit of emotional junk on her. Maybe Uncle Iroh then.
She needed to drink tea after this anyway.
oOo
Iroh looked at his grandchildren puttering as Ursa watched over them. He cleared his throat, and both watched him in rapt attention as he smiled at them. Ursa was getting tired trying to handle Shenzu's running while soothing Zanmei, so he decided that a little intervention would be welcome.
"Come children. It's time for a story." He motioned for them to sit down in front of both him and Ursa as Ursa gave him a look mixed with gratitude and mild irritation. He gave her a smile. When both children were settled he sat down in front of them. "Once the Jade Emperor's sons tried to defeat the Fire Nation by turning into ten suns."
"Wow! Ten suns." Shenzu spread his fingers out to show his great-uncle. "Like my fingers? Was it hot?"
"Indeed, my prince, it caused the crops to wither and die." Iroh explained bending a little fire and depict the ten suns for his grandchildren high above them so that they would feel its flame.
"Not ten now!" Zanmei protested as she looked out into the single bright noon-day sun high in the sky of Ba Sing Se.
Iroh shook his head. He forgot that children were impatient when telling a story. "Yi an immortal and a great archer-"
"Like mama?" Zanmei interrupted again leaning forward.
"Sort of like your mother, Princess Zanmei," Iroh agreed. When the two children seemed content, Iroh began to tell the story again, "Yi, who was a great archer, started to shoot the suns one by one. Sparing the last, Agni in the skies. As the suns dropped down his wife Chang'e picked up their flames and made an elixir. She gave this elixir to her husband. And he swallowed the elixir made from the suns. It was how the first firebender came to be."
Shenzu frowned as one by one the suns faded away into nothingness while they were looking at it. "Was the emperor sad?"
"Ahh, that is right, prince Shenzu," Iroh said, as if he'd just remembered that part of the story. "The emperor was saddened that his sons were dead, and he banished Yi and his wife Chang'e to be immortals on earth."
"Not fair!" Shenzu protested. Iroh smiled a little, Zuko and Mai managed to give their children a very good base of morals. He would be a good Fire Lord when he grew up. He would inherit Zuko's problems in his administration, but he would inherit the good things about Zuko.
"It is the way of immortals, my prince. This is the reason why this tale is told, so you understand that it is not right. But to Yi it didn't matter that he was banished. He loved the Fire Nation more than his place with the Yellow Emperor, as long as Chang'e was with him."
"Like mama and papa!" Shenzu exclaimed, finally content with the story's ending.
Well, not quite like Zuko and Mai, but that had been the reason why he wanted to tell both the children of the story in the first place. Ursa looked at him with a mild expression of worry. He had wanted to tell her that it was going to be all right. Mai and Zuko were made of sterner stuff than Ursa's own story with Ozai. They would survive this trial. "Yes, my prince, like your mother and father."
Because he would not believe anything else.
oOo
"Is the Fire Lord ... drunk?" Mai asked hesitantly as she rose from her chair.
"Got it in one, Sunshine," Toph drawled as she helped Zuko onto the bed.
Out of all the nicknames Toph had for her, that was the one that irritated her the most. Because honestly? Toph has irony down pat. Toph should teach some to Zuko. "He was supposed to be working." Because what else was she supposed to say?
There was a mild look of uncertainty around Toph that Mai normally didn't associate with the girl. "I know it's none of my business, but he's like a brother to me." A pause before she continued. "You should talk about this."
Mai flexed her fingers several times, trying to restrain herself from picking a knife. Because Zuko would not be pleased if she knifed what amounted to his little sister. She breathed in to calm herself and to belay the hurt. Because Zuko had talked to Toph instead of bringing this to her. "You're right. It is none of your business."
"Look... Lady Mai..." It was one of the rare times that Toph had addressed her by name. It hadn't been easy to get along with Zuko's friends. They were all different from Fire Nation. And she tried, but sometimes, it was just difficult to fit in with them. They had a past of being fugitives and family together. It was something that she'd never quite gotten the hang of. "We're not close. We weren't given the chance to be friends. But we've been together, and maybe... though we can't be close, we are somewhat more than acquaintances."
She stared at Toph silently. It might have worked with someone else, and she knew that the stare had worked on countless of other people. But Toph was blind. So Mai settled on sitting back down and trying to convey to Toph that she was being ignored. It still wasn't the same as a good stare down.
"You're the most important person in his life."
Pain. "Not anymore," Mai whispered. Why did it have to be Toph to bring this up? Why couldn't it have been Suki? Suki was Earth Nation wasn't she? Why wasn't Zuko man enough to tell her to her face that he didn't want her anymore? First it was that damnable letter during the Black Sun and now this. Zuko you passive-aggressive lout! What could she say to someone who was more Zuko's friend than hers? "Thank you for bringing the Fire Lord home, Lady Bei Fong."
"Yeah, sure." Toph hovered over the door. "Sharps, if you're ever around the Earth Kingdom again, visit. We could mock our upbringing and throw darts against the wall." Toph didn't give Mai the chance to respond to that and left.
Mai sighed. She did try to befriend them. They just had not a lot in common. And they had that bond of fraternity that wasn't easily shared, even if Zuko was her husband. She had managed to try and become more than acquaintances at least, and she had been making progress before this debacle. She should apologize to Toph. It wasn't her fault that Zuko didn't want Mai anymore.
Mai went beside him and brushed away his bangs, trying to see his face. He smelled like alcohol, something he rarely drank, and the burnt ashes of dreams. If she looked at him, she could see the moments of inescapable joy that they shared. "All right, Lady Bei Fong. All right."
oOo
His head hurt like two turtle-lions had been roaring at it the entire day, and he didn't quite remember everything that happened. He groaned as Mai helped him into the green robes that his uncle favored when they were in his tea shop.
"You really had to drink before Music Night?" Mai asked with the barest touch of amusement as she made him sit down and fussed with his hair. She'd long since combed it from the Fire Lord's crown. He closed his eyes savoring the feel of her hand on him. He'd take the little intimacies.
He searched his vocabulary for a reasonable response. His drug induced brain could only spout out: "Ergh."
She pressed a cup filled with a strong blend of tea between his hands and continued to fuss around him. "I knew you hated Music Night, but I didn't think it was that bad."
At least Mai was getting some enjoyment out of his suffering. He couldn't even recall how he managed to get home. Last he checked it had been the middle of the morning, and with the way his body was becoming to feel sluggish, he just knew it was close to sunset. The effects of alcohol amplified the lack of sun in his bender bones. "I didn't think four was a bad number."
"You can't even drink one glass of the milder brews, Zuko," She pulled him out of his seat after he gulped down most of the bitter tasting brew, took the cup from his hands and managed to push him through one of the doors in the suite they occupied. "If it was politics, I could have begged off, but Music Night is family, Zuko. Uncle Iroh would know something was wrong if you don't show up."
He stopped, resisted her push then tugged her closer so that he could see her face to face. She was distracted with trying to get him ready, she didn't notice the change in demeanor first. He waited patiently, Mai would notice sooner or later. She always noticed. When she lifted her eyes to his, he gave a half-smile. "Would it matter if they noticed?"
There was a long pause. Her smile became brittle on her face, and then she leaned down and placed her forehead against his arm. "Of course it would. They're family. We should put an appearance that all is right with the world."
He wrapped his arms around her, he missed her so much. "But is all right with the world, Mai?"
She looked up at him, and then gave him a small sad smile. "It will be."
oOo
Mai fingered one of her daggers underneath her robe as she listened silently to people taking their turns playing their instruments and singing. Zuko was offered the Tsungi horn a couple of times, but he declined. He could usually be persuaded to play, but only when he was happy.
Ursa had taken Zanmei and Mai's mother had taken Shenzu so she was left alone with a very tense Fire Lord watching Music Night. One of the Earth Court Ladies, Mai had blissfully forgotten her name, had offered her hand to Zuko for a dance.
Before Zuko could offer another negation, Mai pushed Zuko towards the floor. "Dance, you should relax."
He doesn't dance. He hated dancing. He barely tolerated it with Mai, and only to make her happy, but she wasn't in the mood for one and she had bribed someone to do it for her. None of the Fire Nation courtiers could have been bribed to do that. He'd already made it perfectly clear to them a second wife was out of the question. But here, in the Earth Nation, especially since Mai was the one who arranged it? Maybe he'd find some semblance of happiness.
He gave her a frown before he went along rigidly with the Earth Nation Lady. Iroh deftly took Zuko's place beside Mai. "Not enjoying Music Night, Mai?"
"I rarely enjoy anything, Uncle," Mai retorted in her flat voice as she watched Zuko be led awkwardly around the tea shop. They had pushed the low tables aside to make room for the revelry.
"If you knew the vine disliked the thorns, why plant roses around the vineyard, Lady Mai?" Iroh asked softly, taking a small sip of the warm tea that was abundantly provided in these celebrations.
Mai closed her eyes. Why had she told Zuko that they would put up appearances? She knew that Iroh was going to be perceptive, more perceptive that Ursa. "Because they're the only plant that the vineyard can grow."
Iroh took a sip of tea from the cup that he brought. It was another reason why Mai disliked talking with Zuko's uncle. Not only were the conversations obscure, they were also slow. "Maybe that's because you haven't tried planting something else."
Something broke inside Mai. Suddenly, she couldn't stand talking in this metaphor anymore. "He deserves better than me, Uncle," Mai whispered as her eyes followed her husband around the room. He was not exactly clumsy with the dance. He was too much of a bender to be clumsy. But his movements were rigid and stiff. Firebending doesn't always mean the grace of the waterbenders, but there was controlled force when he moved.
Mai looked at her uncle by marriage, realizing that she was wearing her heart on her sleeve. Uncle Iroh had been watching her watch Zuko and she wondered if he'd seen the longing there. "Mai, maybe you should be thinking that you deserve him," Iroh said softly. Iroh stood up, squeezed her shoulder reassuringly before leaving her.
She closed her eyes, because it had been unbearable to keep them open and look for someone who had once belonged to her. But apparently, her distress was so palpable that Zuko was in front of her in an instant, concern showing. "Hey, hey, do you want to go? You look upset. Mother and Uncle volunteered to watch Shenzu and Zanmei for the night."
She shook her head. It would never do. If she wanted to find for him some semblance of happiness, she could give him this. "Why don't you try entertaining the other ladies instead? I can find my way home."
Zuko frowned slightly as he looked back at the lady he'd abandoned then looked at her. "Mai, please don't tell me you just hired a courtesan to please me." A few years ago, he would not have been perceptive enough to notice. How the court had changed him so.
"Why would I do that?" Mai asked slowly, she suddenly had the feeling that she had made things worse. He was her liege. Surely he would understand that it was the woman who set up the courtesans, the liaisons. It was a way of turning a blind eye. "The Fire Lord deserves Court Ladies and Nobles."
"Agni's ashes, Mai!" Zuko cursed in a fierce whisper. He tugged her up then almost dragged her through the doorway leading outside without saying goodbye to their parents or to uncle Iroh. There was a desperate air to the way he was walking. He took a couple of deep breaths in the cool breeze before letting her go. "What were you thinking?"
"You need a second wife," Mai insisted. It was against her nature to make a scene that they continued on the conversation in strained whispers while they walked briskly towards the Earth Nation Palace. Because obviously she wasn't enough for him anymore.
"Agni, save me from you!" Zuko shouted, eyes blazing with fury. She had known that her husband was capable of fierce anger, but she'd never seen it directed at her before.
Mai closed her eyes, reached out for him and touched his sleeve. "I am."
He turned his gaze on the hand on her hand and his eyes narrowed. She let go hastily. He promptly deposited her on the palanquin that they'd use to come here, his voice the harsh gravel of anger when he'd just used firebending. "Take her to our rooms at the Earth Kingdom."
"Let me take Zanmei and Shenzu home," Mai whispered. She pushed out the curtain from the palanquin to look at him. He wasn't looking at her.
"I'll take care of it. Mother and Uncle have been complaining they don't see enough of their grandchildren." He was going to send them away for the night. Would he send her away too? "I'll be home later, Mai. I'm just going to say good-bye to... everyone and... bend this off."
She gripped the pillows of the palanquin. He didn't turn to look at her even when the palanquin bearers took her away.
oOo
Zuko felt empty after bending that much fire into the night sky, enough that he'd felt safe to go home. He'd known that Mai was unhappy with him, but enough that she'd simply give him away? It was a slap in the face.
She was his brightest flame, his hottest fire. How could that suddenly turn to ashes?
He had known that the feeling of unhappiness would have blazed over them but it had suddenly crested at this moment. He had already told Mai once that all he needed was her, so was this her way of saying that she didn't want him anymore?
She'd been discontent.
They had moved against each other like shadows in flickering lights, hovering, but never touching. He had thought that they had mastered this game well when they were still courting. About talking without words, and listening to the mood of one another without verbalizing. But apparently, sometimes, familiarity breeds miscommunication in the most painful of ways.
They had been given one of the best suites the Earth Nation Palace could afford. He was thankful they'd refused both of their parents for room and board. They could hash it out in the middle of their own wing without either of their parents knowing. She'd been preparing for bed, going through the motions of getting ready. Moving without thinking. Had they really been destined to burn brightly and then be extinguished so suddenly?
He looked at her familiar face, and sometimes he could see the Mai that had once loved him. He should have talked to her before this, but he thought it would all go away. But now he couldn't really pretend that everything was all right, because everything wasn't. But he wished he could because in that moment, going through the motions of something ordinary, he understood that he wanted that with her. Something ordinary.
"Mother and Uncle wanted to keep Zanmei and Shenzu for the night." A Beat of silence. "What's wrong, Mai?" he whispered as he knelt down in front of her, stilling her hands that had been abruptly too busy combing her hair. There were pain in the words, something she had been accustomed to as of late. "Why am I making you so unhappy?"
oOo
She was frustrated. Because really, how could he ask her that? How could she be happy when the reason for her happiness was decidedly not? Zuko had friends, and despite Azula and Ozai, he had family in Ursa and Iroh. She had no one else but him, because Tom-tom and their children were still too young for this drama. Because she was never as close to her parents as he had been with Iroh and Ursa. "You don't want me anymore, Zuko. Of course I'm going to be unhappy."
He tensed in her hands, clenching her slender fingers against the comb before dropping them. She looked at him and saw horror mixed with outrage. "Where did you get a crazy idea like that? I've always wanted you Mai, sometimes too much for my own good." He buried his face on her hair, hiding that quiet anguish amidst her robes. "You walk in the room and I want you. You smile and I want you. You breathe and I want you so much."
There was truth enough in those words. You couldn't deny the feeling that he professed, even if his whole body wasn't against her to resonate with that anguish, she would have felt the longing wrapped in those words. It hadn't been what she was contesting at all. "You may want me, but you never touch me!"
"Well of course I wouldn't touch you!" The words hurt her too much. They've been dancing around these words for months. She had known he wouldn't come to her, but to hear him say it was devastating. "You've miscarried a baby!"
She had known that was going to be the reason. How could he not blame her? She blamed herself. She had lost something he wanted so badly because she was inadequate. Court words, her mother's words. They were all circling around her. "This is why I think you should look for a second wife, so that you can have more children."
He stopped shaking and then sagged into her, leaning his head on her shoulders as he sat beside her on the large chair that occupied the dresser. "I don't need a second wife, Mai. All I want is you. I don't need more children if I can't be with you." It would have been better if he didn't want her. It would have been better for them if he didn't love her.
He could have had concubines, more children from other women, and he wouldn't be this wrecked. She would have wasted away with the lack of his love, but he would have survived without her.
There was a long pause between them, as they absorbed the hurt that had been spiraling around for months. He shifted and turned her face towards him, and she wished he hadn't done that because then they could see each other's pain. "I know firebenders have difficult pregnancies, Mai! But please, could you please, please find it in your heart to forgive me? You loved me once."
The difficult Fire Nation pregnancies were the reason why laws in concubinage were set. The firebender conceiving problems were the reason there was such a low birth rate. A firebender's essence was sometimes too hot to keep with a non-bender wife.
It took her a moment to understand what he said. She hadn't been talking to him because there had been enough hurt in her end when the pregnancy terminated. She just hadn't realized that he would have thought the miscarriage was his fault.
"Blame you?" Mai protested as she stood up from the chair moving away from her husband. It was her turn to splutter. Why would she blame him? If they were assigning blame he should blame her. "I'm always violent during sex. And we're not even supposed to have sex when I'm pregnant. Li and Lo said so. And well... my body might not be good enough to carry children. Tom-tom and I have a fifteen year age gap. Mom miscarried a lot."
When the doctors had told Mai she'd miscarried, she'd almost pushed everyone away. It had been a bitter affair for her, and painfully alone so empty and incomplete. Because she had lost something of hers, and she thought both she and Zuko had put the blame rightly on her.
"I wouldn't blame you for that! Agni, Mai, I would never blame you for that!" he argued fiercely. They hadn't even known she was pregnant immediately. The third pregnancy came too soon after her the second pregnancy. She hadn't even understood why she had been bleeding so long in her monthly courses until she found the courage to talk to a healer.
"Well if you won't blame me, then why blame yourself? It doesn't make sense. You're an idiot." He smiled. It would make sense that he would smile when she insulted him. Zuko the masochist.
"I thought you hated me. I thought I was grieving alone," he confessed as he wrapped his arms around her. Feeling the need to be near her. It hadn't made sense in both sides. But she guessed there was enough guilt to go around. Zuko had always wallowed more in misery, and she had never been a much brighter color than the Fire Nation's muted reds.
She pressed her face on his chest. "Are you... depressed?"
"I'm sad that we lost a child, Mai, but I'm happy that you're with me. Is that wrong?" His arms around her tightened. "It's been months and months since we've lost... him, and we have both Zanmei and Shenzu. It hurts me, because how could it not? But I think of what I have and I think, it's time to move on."
"We should have announced the death, we shouldn't have kept it to ourselves," Mai murmured as she traced the embroidery on Zuko's robe. "It wasn't that we were hiding it, it was just that Zanmei was just six months when I got pregnant again, and it would have hung a pall over her. And it just didn't seem real. We both didn't suspect anything, and there was just a tinge of too much blood."
"We'll do it properly this time. Go home. Burn the proper things. Wear white."
"We did that before too. But it was just the two of us." They hadn't talked about it. They'd just continued with their lives, as if nothing was wrong, as if she hadn't failed him. She hadn't even been confined to the sickbed. She'd been given plenty of fluids and been told to - there's that quaint phrase again - avoid sexual congress, and then sent home. He wanted to fill the house with children, and she couldn't even manage three.
"We'll tell the family, then. They would matter."
And then, because they needed a little levity, she said, "It's a wonder the rest of the nation didn't find out before. Your healers have the most amazing secrecy policy."
"Yeah."
"I'm sorry about tonight. I wasn't thinking. I just thought that - " And then she kissed him. Because after the pain, they needed to be together again. He returned it. All was forgiven. He was sorry too.
Then suddenly he stopped, held a restraining hand out to protest, "But you've been so tired, Mai, and you've been avoiding me like the plague, and your doctors said that we shouldn't."
"I've been tired, because I thought you hated and blamed me, because I thought you didn't want me." She reveled in the closeness, because it had been that long since she felt him around her. She had missed the sex, but she had missed the little things too, the closeness, talking. She just missed being together. "It's been months, Zuko, months. The doctors told me we could try again. Didn't they tell you we could try again?"
"Maybe until both the children are old enough to take care of a young one. I don't want you tiring yourself out." He stopped, and a series of arguments went through his eyes, which she saw he'd ignored, was distracted from by her hand and then rebutted. Finally he settled on, "And no, your doctors didn't tell me. They probably thought you will. And... well why haven't you been visiting me?"
Her turn to fidget. "Well you made it clear you didn't want me. And I wasn't going to push. And besides. It's your turn."
He opened his mouth, and then closed it again. He hadn't known that she was keeping track.
"This is as much my fault as it is yours you know." Mai sighed, as she leaned against him. "I should have known you were just too dorky to initiate anything."
He breathed in. "Does this mean I'm forfeiting my turn?"
"Of course, soldier. Because dorks need to be punished so badly."
And suddenly, though everything was not yet all right... it was on its way there.
Previous || Masterpost || END
Previous || Non NC-17 timeline || END
Author's Notes
Really difficult to write. Mostly because it's really hard to write about miscarrying and about that kind of loss. And I had to deal with the kids. At two and three. Which means I had to find out how two and three year olds really acted.
This is largely patterend on how a Filipino child would be in this setting, because that's what I know. A younger child would always refer to her brother as "Older brother - Name" and parents would call each other papa, and mama while with their children so that their children would emulate and know what to call them.
This is also true in a Chinese family or a Japanese family. Mei mei is younger sister, and gege is older brother. So if Azula was respectful towards her brother (oh haha), she'd always call him Gege Zuko. Or simply, Gege. In Japanese that would go: Zuko-nii/Zuko-niichan or simply Oniisan/Oniichan/Oniisama (more appropriate with -sama since he's a prince) or more formally, Aniue (again more appropriate since he's a prince... flashback to Vision of Escaflowne...) Sooo that about clear? I'm pretty sure all you guys and gals who follow Japanese anime/manga would understand the reference. :)
I'm quite unsure if I went from mad to sad to all right with just the right amount of time.
Creation myth was largely changed from the Myth of Houyi, the God of Archery. The suns being turned to elixir was all me.
With this, the Control!arc is nicely finished. I may, uh from time to time write in it (from a purely pRon perspective), but this was what I originally planned. I wanted an arc that dealt with Chinese/Asian culture in avatar, but also dealt with Mai and Zuko as a couple. And this arc dealt with that.
Engagement (because I was going insane with the number of fics that had Zuko giving Mai an engagement necklace... because he was water tribe that way. I'd understand if he was marrying Katara but Mai... Seriously? ...
Marriage, the concubines, the wet nurses, prostitution in ancient china, contraceptives in ancient china, pregnancies... there's a lot of material in the culture that's widely untapped. I really like these details and that's why this was written. To satisfy my yearning for detail. Which is another reason why sometimes it seemed dry (I need to rewrite some of it)
All of these are things that existed in Ancient china, and well, may be squicky now, and well Avatar is it's OWN story, and clearly a meld of a lot of cultures (hence me melding a lot of things! And researching... a lot of things!!!) but I thought Ancient china needed a representation with all of the very western fics.
MY NEXT PROJECT (after finishing that darned Nabiki fic that I need to finish, really) would be to write an AU that deals with Zuko and Mai in modern day China, or Hong Kong or Taiwan or Japan ... something that's completely Asian. Because there have been a lot of AUs that place Zuko and Mai in the US, but I have yet to see one which deals with them as you know... Asians. *headache* tons of research that.
It would go water tribe: native americans (I don't know much about native americans, because well I'm not american, so most of my research would deal with this). Earth Nation... Korean/Taiwanese. Fire Nation... Chinese/Japanese? That sound right to you? Because I know Fire Nation Military was mainly Japanese Influenced, even if the culture is still largely Chinese. (again avatar wiki backed up so there)
OR MAYBE a mythological AU piece! But lots of work there. I would have to world build a lot. And it can't be one shots, because I'd have to connect it. -_-; oh there goes my plot bunny... it's jumping up and down. *SQUASH*
It could be Zuko teaching another godling to become a god (which is... argh... how is that going to end up Maiko???? It'll end up genfic with little Maiko!! I want a Maiko with a good deal of GEN). Or the young god Zuko takes a bridal offering... again how is that Maiko? garrr... I can't see Mai ever being human if zuko is in the spirit realm as a minor god. Besides, if Zuko takes a bride, I can see the beginning, but I have to formulate an ENDING and a MIDDLE for it to work. It has to go SOMEWHERE, otherwise I won't be able to write it.
I still don't have a story board for either. I know how the world works in either of the stories, but I'd need a plot to work out. Which I don't seem to have yet. I need a sounding board. :(
Tell me what you guys think. ... both the story and the next project haha :)
RESOURCE
http://www.china-corner.com/forum/forum_topics.asp?FID=4
Author: ice-of-dreams
Rating: PG13
Pairing: Mai/Zuko
Warnings: Angsty
Summary: Four years into marriage and the Fire Lord and his Lady are having troubles.
This was written with The Scarlet Pimpernel's soundtrack playing in the background. Particularly: When I look at You AND She Was There
Disclaimer: Avatar: The Last Airbender sprouted from the brilliant minds of Michael Dante DiMartino and Bryan Konietzko, and is owned by Nickelodeon. I'm borrowing them for a while. I promise I'll return them.
To Shoot the Sun
Zuko was staring at the papers in front of him blindly. They were suggestions on what he could do to the former prisoners of war that had been held in Lake Logai. While all of the war prisoners had been granted amnesty after Sozin's Comet, the Lake Logai prisoners were a special case. It was hard to decide what to do with more than a hundred people who were both tortured and brain washed. Some of them couldn't really function in the world without care, hence the extended problem that it created for him.
Another problem was that not all of those held in Lake Logai were Fire Nation prisoners. Some of them were purely Long Feng's prisoners, and of course, legitimate Earth Kingdom prisoners. So both he and the Earth King had to communicate frequently to weed one out from the other. Though he might want to take most of the blame for the Dai Li, the mere fact is, they have existed before his reign, they have existed before his father's hand in the Earth Kingdom, so it was not entirely his burden alone. And although it was easier on his end to determine who Fire Kingdom prisoners were, it was difficult to decide what to do with them.
He and the Earth King exchanged a lot of official documents over the years with regard to the Dai Li and Lake Logai. There was nothing much he could do about it but read the letters and approve or disapprove and send counter suggestions. It made him feel completely useless.
It was because of the helplessness of over those prisoners of war that he'd spiraled down to the helplessness of his problem with Mai.
He looked out of his window, where the sun filtered brightly and overlooked the gardens where Mai was with Shenzu and Zanmei. At three and two, they were already taking playful steps in the garden under their mother's watchful supervision.
He leaned his head against his hands in frustration. Four years into marriage, and she already didn't want him. He'd known clearly that Mai was the ice maiden, that she was cool, and aloof, and that she didn't share emotionally easily. He just didn't understand how it could have happened with him.
They'd stopped playing, he understood that because she was so tired and she had two children to look after that she'd have less time for him. But she'd almost completely withdrawn from his life.
It started with the games. She stopped initiating anything sexual with him. So she wanted space, he gave her that. Her second pregnancy had exhausted her, and her third was - it had been a disaster.
Then she moved to the Fire Lady's suite. Not completely, but after a while she started spending less and less time with him in his suite. It was a subtle reminder that she didn't want his advances, because Mai had a very light hand in court. Later, she brought the children to her room to sleep. Nothing wrong with that, even if they had perfectly good nurseries and wet nurses, Mai had always liked taking care of them. It had been a surprise because she had hated watching Tom-tom.
Zuko resented everyone else's time with his wife. He couldn't even sneak in the dead of the night to her bed. Not that he'd tried since she moved, because he thought he'd give her some months to recover.
Was this why father hated me? Because I took so much of mother's time? He shook his head at that. He didn't want to go there. He loved his children. He told her he wanted a lot of them. Enough to fill the rooms of the palace, because what's the point of having a large home without children to fill it? And what's the point of being a blasted royal if he couldn't spend the money on his children?
He felt the familiar feeling of helplessness again. The choking, cloying feeling of desperation. The burn behind his eyes the intense heaviness in his chest.
He'd known it was going to hurt him terribly if she stopped caring for him.
He just hadn't anticipated how much.
oOo
Mai dusted the robes of three year old Shenzu while trying to keep Zanmei from eating the grass that she'd plucked. She smiled at both of them fondly before saying, "Are you tired of the sunshine, my darlings?"
"No!" "Nu-uh"
She examined Shenzu's leg to see if he'd sustained injuries, but since he didn't have any, she set him down again to play conqueror of the world, while he bossed around his younger sister who tried to pantomime her brother. Zuko had worried he might just start trying to conquer the world he became Fire Lord, Zuko always worried. Mai had reassured him that he'd played the game plenty of times when growing up, and he didn't have the extreme urges to start invading the neighboring kingdoms anytime soon.
He wasn't easily reassured - when had Zuko ever been easily reassured? - but she promptly told him that at three, he could start teaching them about what he valued. That discussion had prompted him to talk to Shenzu about honor, to which the boy listened with wide eyes. Zuko emphasized his points by playing military with his son often. Most of the time, they accosted bandits and wrong doers in the Fire Nation. Zuko even let Shenzu be the Blue Spirit from time to time. His son loved playing the Blue Spirit without knowing that this masked bandit he hero worshiped was his father. They upheld peace, protected their borders, slapped down mythical invading sea-slugs and helped other nations when they sent calls for distress.
Zuko. Her heart clenched in the feeling of distress that she was accustomed to lately. The feel of her heart pounding against her chest like it was suddenly larger and heavier than she could hold. She looked up at his study wondering if he even bothered to see her with his children.
They've become complete strangers. After knowing each other for most of their lives, they had suddenly, drastically become acquaintances sharing this large house with nothing in common but children.
He was having trouble with the military. She knew that. She'd given him space because he was having so many problems lately.
What was worrying the Fire Lord now was the lack of jobs. With most of the people slowly being recalled from the colonies, and the lack of any invading forces, he needed less military and more trade. So they needed to start investments and markets and land reform. He had reallocated the military budget, which did not make him popular. Because for years, this military had been taught they were right and that they'd been given the divine right to educate the lesser masses.
They trained their children from the beginning to be soldiers, and the Fire Lord had suddenly stripped them of that pride. What does one do with a nation filled with soldiers and no position to hold them? Send them back to farms and ask them apprentice as merchants?
So he needed to be out, visiting the men and even the schools and the locals. Soothing their egos and their pride. Promoting positive change.
He came home exhausted and was usually dead asleep soon after. His advisers closeted him away at day barring her from him. Truthfully, she'd never bothered trying to go to him during meetings, because he'd somehow always managed to make time for her. Now that she was attempting to, no one was admitting her.
The only time she managed to see him was with the children, and after that he was too tired for anything else.
Then of course she had to miscarry the baby, their third child together. And her healer had told her that she should keep from - what was it they used again? - sexual congress with the Fire Lord.
She moved to the Fire Lady's apartments so that she wouldn't be tempted. Because she was addicted to the feel of him against her skin, the slide of him against her, his breath against her ear. And he was too exhausted; he needed his rest, that she'd agreed when the maids made room for her things in her suite.
She didn't even think he noticed her absence. He'd been falling asleep before her for months before she completely moved to the Fire Lady's rooms. She had not wanted to be a bother, so she left.
And because she was so terribly lonely and bored, she brought her children in the suites. But by then, it didn't matter because he'd stopped wanting to see her.
She leaned against the tree trunk gasping for air that was suddenly too hot to breathe while she watched her children play around the tree's large roots.
Oh Agni, she'd always known that she was meant to be by Zuko's side.
She just never thought of the possibility that he was never meant to be by hers.
Zuko implemented strict rules for dinner. He wanted his family together, so most of the courtier moved around their meal schedules. Sometimes, it couldn't be helped that they dined with the court. Most of the time though, Mai managed to keep dinner a family affair. They had sectioned off a small room to serve as an informal dining room that could also serve as an informal meeting room. During dinner servants brought in low tables to place the food on and the family sat around pillows.
The children both ate with their parents while both wet nurses tidied up after the toddlers. Mai had nursed both children, scandalizing even Ursa a little. She did employ the wet nurses for help in changing diapers and watching them so that she could circle the politics surrounding court better. It was especially useful that the women doubled as bodyguards, because though Tom-tom had never been in any true danger with the Avatar, Zuko was sure that there were more unsavory groups that could try with his own children. It also gave Mai time to pursue her imperial duties.
"Mai, I'm going to talk to the Earth King over the weekend." It was mainly a business trip, but he wanted to spend time with her. It seemed like the perfect break for both of them, an almost vacation. "Do you want to come and bring the children along?"
She frowned. He shouldn't have asked. She probably wants to spend some time with the children without him. Mai had grown even more listless these past few months. It wasn't simple ennui; it was like everything around her was bleak. She had never liked court, she probably hated the fact that he brought her into the center of the most rigid one of all.
"All right," her answer took him by surprise and he almost sighed in visible relief. It would do them good time spent together. Maybe he could talk to Iroh about what was wrong with him. Maybe Mai could love him again. Maybe the moon would come down. Mai followed up her agreement with, "Let's make it just the four of us."
He stopped reaching for the smoked sea slug and stared at her, a flicker of dismay on his face quickly concealed. He'd asked for his children because he spent so little time with them, but he'd wanted time alone with her too. It would have been better if she'd wanted some of the entourage to come so that someone could share the burden of the children. They would never get the time together if she was constantly taking care of the little ones. But if she wanted time to herself, he was prepared to give her anything. "Of course, Mai, whatever you want."
oOo
It was probably one of the most difficult moments in her life to keep a blank expression. He had made her less of a courtier in front of him, and now she suddenly needed it as defense against him.
He wanted buffers between them. The wet nurses and entourage. Maybe Fire Nation guards. But because she'd asked he agreed. He always agreed to her requests. Almost always. She rubbed her thumb against the back of her neck.
What had she said? Pain to remember when she couldn't feel anymore? Maybe he'd be willing to burn her now that he couldn't bear to touch her.
Zanmei was cradled in Mai's arms out on the deck of one of the Fire Lord's ships, sitting on the lounge that the captain had provided for the royal family. They were dressed in Earth Kingdom garb with Fire Nation passports. It reminded her of her family trip to Ba Sing Se.
"Mama, Dress green!" Zanmei said in wonder around the new word. She'd repeated it a couple of times as well. It was a new color to Zanmei who, as a princess of the Fire nation, was relegated to reds, blacks, golds and the occasional white. "Pretty!"
"Yes, my darling, you are a pretty little button," Mai affirmed as she tweaked Zanmei's nose while the princess squirmed around trying to see everything at once. Though the royal-family had a summer home in Ember Island, Zuko and Mai had yet to take Zanmei out on a boat and everything was a new experience.
"Down!" Zanmei ordered imperiously. She wanted to explore the deck. Mai looked around. It was a royal-class ship, and although it had amenities for the Fire Lord's family, it certainly wasn't a luxury vessel. It wasn't particularly made for keeping children. Zanmei was going to run into one of the hands scuttling about working. Or worse, fall into the sea. With no waterbenders. Right.
"Are you leaving Mama alone, sweet?" Mai asked instead.
"Gege up!" Zanmei pouted, using the word for older brother to refer to Shenzu. The eldest of the siblings was currently sitting on Zuko's shoulders while Zuko pointed at the Elephant-koi which were migrating to the warm islands for summer.
"Dad," Mai called out. Whenever they were with the children, they encouraged them to use the proper address, but seeing as they were babies and father was still a large word, dad and mom was used between the two of them. Zuko turned at her voice and gave her a smile. It was the first time she'd seen him smile in ages. "Come trade with me, Zanmei wants to see the elephant-koi."
Zuko trotted up to her and deposited a laughing Shenzu on her lap. "Stay with mama, gege. Keep her company while Daddy takes care of mei-mei?"
Shenzu nodded, ever the obedient child. Zanmei leapt up to Zuko, and they went back to their spot at the bridge. Mai looked at them wistfully before focusing on her son. He had tilted his head then crammed himself close to her. "Mama is sad?"
"Oh no, my darling," Mai wrapped her arms around Shenzu. He looked a lot like his father, and he'd taken to the fact that Zuko was almost always serious. "I am just heartsick. We'll be meeting your uncle Tom-tom, and Grandfather Iroh, and I realized that I missed them terribly."
But not as much as she missed her husband.
oOo
After taking a bath together with Shenzu, Zuko was helping the child dress up. Mai had already finished bathing and clothing Zanmei. He knelt down and combed the boy's hair which fell around his chin. In a year or so it could be tied properly, but since he was still a child and hadn't earned it yet, it settled around his face.
He tugged a lock because with Shenzu's hair down, framing his face and hiding some of the chubbiness, Zuko remembered Mai as a kid. All awkward and gangly. Adorable, but awkward and gangly. Zuko grinned. "You look like your mother, my prince."
The young boy frowned as he shook his head from side to side. "Not papa?"
"I should hope not. Your mother is decidedly handsomer than I am," Zuko pointed out as he opened the door towards their shared cabin and ushered Shenzu in.
Mai was already in bed, arms around a sleepy Zanmei. Shenzu scrambled up the bed and deposited himself at the middle of the bed tilting his head slightly as he looked at his mother. "Mama, you are handsome."
Mai laughed softly, trying not to wake Zanmei up. It had been the first time he'd seen her happy. So maybe, just maybe, the trip wasn't as bad as he thought it might be. "Where did you hear that, my darling?"
"Papa says so," Shenzu told on him. Zuko blushed as he leaned against the bathroom door, watching Mai with their children. He should have known Shenzu would tell his mother about it. He always talked to his mother. "I look like Mama?"
Mai looked up and raised an eyebrow at Zuko. He shrugged at her, because what else could he say in defense to that? She then leaned down and touched her forehead with Shenzu's own. "Of course, my darling. You look like mama because you are a part of her. But you look like papa too." Mai pressed a finger on Shenzu's nose, which made him giggle. Zuko wondered if he asked about it, she'd touch him on the nose too. "There see that is your father's nose right there. Those eyelashes did not come from me. And your eyes are firebender eyes, my darling, a deeper gold with flecks of fire compared to mine."
"Mmmkay!" Shenzu said as he fluffed the pillow behind him and lay down to sleep, curiosity abated for a while. He closed his eyes for a moment before opening them again. "Papa going here? Sleep with us?"
"You should ask your father, my darling," Mai whispered as she shifted Zanmei down carefully beside her brother. Then she raised her eyes to look at Zuko again in question.
Zuko ran his hand through his hair. He hadn't slept with them as a family in a while because Mai kept them all in her bed. And there was just so much room in the Fire Lady's bed to keep both children and her in it. But the navy had pressed together four futons to accommodate them. He walked over and sat beside Shenzu. "I'll talk to the captain first, Shenzu, because we're in his ship and he invited me for drinks after supper, remember? And a royal always strives to keep his promise."
"Stay with us?" Shenzu asked sleepily, his body coming to terms with the fact that the sun had set and it had been a tiring day. There was no doubt about it, Shenzu was a firebender. Young firebenders were unusually weak during the evenings until they learned some basics to stay up regardless of the setting sun.
"Of course, my prince," Zuko answered, as he ran his hand against his son's dark hair in reassurance. "Whatever you want."
The prince was already asleep. Zuko's eyes turned to Mai, she was watching him tenderly, and with just a little bit of pain that he'd come to terms with and recognized because he'd seen it when he looked at the mirror. "And you, fire of my heart, is there anything you want?"
She reacted to that by closing herself off. It hurt him because they used to talk more than this, and she used to want so much more from him. "Just you, my lord, come back."
He didn't understand. Of course he'd come back. It was just a trip down the hallway, and just a few drinks of that amber liquid he hated but needed to partake. It was politics and then not quite. "All right, Mai. I will."
She closed her eyes and then curled beside Zanmei. He kissed her forehead and straightened carefully to walk towards the hallway. When he stepped out he waved his hand to extinguish the fires in the room before closing the door shut.
He leaned against the metallic door, trying to gain his balance. But he knew he couldn't ever hope to gain that now that his world was sliding out of his control.
"Grandpapa Iroh, what is heartsick?" Shenzu asked as he played with wooded blocks on the low table of the earth kingdom tea shop.
Iroh's world sharpened at the question as Shenzu continued to build blocks, not really paying attention to the way the adult had focused on him. "Where did you hear the words, Prince Shenzu?"
"Mama is heartsick. She says so." Shenzu stole a look at Mai who was quietly talking to Ursa while Zanmei drank in plastic teacups and toddled around the low table with stuffed animals. "She's not sad."
The last time he saw Mai and Zuko, they had just gotten pregnant with Zanmei and the world was right. They had been in love and eagerly waiting for a child. But Mai had become sick after the birth, and the problems with the military had come up that neither the Fire Lord nor his Lady had come to bring either child for a visit. It had taken them an entire year and a half and the letter from the Earth King to come.
But maybe there were other reasons that he hadn't thought of.
"Mama missed grandpapa." Shenzu bit his lip as he looked at Mai. "You're not heartsick?"
He very much doubted it was him that Mai actually missed. Regardless of circumstance, it was always difficult to read Mai. Trained rigidly from birth, Mai was the perfect noble's daughter. No visible outward emotions and easily pliable. Until you find her cold anger and her sharp steel. "Lady Mai just needs family, Prince Shenzu, so always remember to show your mother that you love her."
Prince Shenzu stopped banging blocks. He jumped up and then barreled into Mai, who gave a short huff of expelled air when her son knocked the wind out of her. Mai laughed and smoothed the stray locks that had fallen from the short pony tail Shenzu wore. "Mama, I love you."
Surprise flickered in Mai's eyes, and then she leaned down and hugged the young prince. "Of course, my darling. Mama loves you too."
oOo
"Hey hotstuff, I thought you had a meeting?" Toph said as she sauntered over the gardens of the Earth Kingdom Castle, invading Zuko's privacy. She had grown remarkably well over the years. She was still largely a brat, and she still found innumerable ways to be annoying, but as a young adult Toph was the most mature of group. "If I'd known you'd be sulking I would have tried to find you sooner."
"What happened to sparky?" Zuko said, annoyed as he watched her crossing towards the large boulder he'd claimed as his own. "I was partial to that name myself."
"You do not feel like a sparky right now," Toph answered, her feet meandering around the ponds. "Come on, hotness, let's get you rip-roaring drunk."
"I'm here on official business," he protested weakly. That was his entire excuse for being here. He had managed to send Mai and the children out to meet her family and his, but he had wanted to finish work. "I just can't disappear in the middle of the day because you want to drag me to the lower rim!"
"Uhuh. This official business of yours is the reason why you're here in the middle of this garden, just outside of the throne room where the Earth King has this wide schedule free," Toph pointed out. She had checked the Earth King first, and he was just playing with his large pet. He also told her that the talks between the Fire Nation and Earth Nation had already finished that morning, and that the Fire Lord had mainly come to see how Lake Logai was doing and to visit family.
"I'm not sulking," he protested weakly. But Toph could feel him grip the boulder more tightly, and the slight tensing of his muscles. Not only was he sulking, he was defensive.
"Try again, hotstuff," Toph said gently, finally reaching him, giving his hand a hard pull. He dropped down to her level. He should have known better than to think she would take his excuses. And he should have known that when he visited, she'd come for him. "I can tell when you're lying, remember? And you were never any good at it. It's a good thing you were pulled out of court at thirteen or you might never have survived."
That was how Toph had ended up with a completely drunk Fire Lord, in the middle of the day while in the lower rim. If her mother found out, she might just suddenly decide that political standing be damned, the Fire Lord was bad company.
Further insight to said fire Lord's company was provided when Zuko finally downed enough liquid courage to tell her the reason why he'd been going through the motions of court, but hadn't been the enthusiastic idealistic politician he was most of the time. "She doesn't love me anymore."
"We're talking about the Ice Lady here right?" Toph clarified, voicing out the words slowly. Her nickname for Mai derived from Mai's formal title and the rather quaint nickname Ice Queen they'd heard in court. "The one you reassured me in your engagement who always knew you'd be together. The one who waited for you to return not once but twice. The one who betrayed her closest friend in the world because she loved you more. That Ice Lady."
He gave an indignant huff as he downed another glass of the hard liquor. Zuko's palate only tolerated hard liquor. Which was strange because his body metabolized it so slowly, he was drunk by one glass. But of course he doesn't slur. He just looks dorkier. "Whose love would matter more?"
Toph sighed, because she did not want to get into a sappy conversation with him. No, she had wanted a sane one. Of course if she wanted answers, he needed to be drunk. Which didn't lead to sane answers. But there you go. She picked her ear absentmindedly. "Just checking, hotstuff. Why'd you say that?"
"She doesn't tie me down anymore!" Zuko practically wailed. "And we don't use the pattern wielded knives-"
Toph shoved another glass on his hands and encouraged him to drink it to shut him up. However much she wanted to listen to his problems, there were some things that she didn't want to hear about him and Mai. If he was bragging about the sex, she could deal. She was man enough to listen to that. But the mere fact that she knew they engaged in bloodplay seriously creeped her out. She was a prude, who'd have thought?
"So this is about your lack of sex life?" Toph asked in incredulous tones. "Agni crushed, Zuko, really? Because you know Mai is head over heels with you. I doubt any other person in court is -" sick "- in love enough to agree, let alone want those knives close to their balls."
He groaned as he downed the glass and laid his head on the table. "She's avoiding me. She doesn't sleep in my room anymore. She spends all of her time with the children. She doesn't talk to me anymore."
"Have you tried talking to her?"
"She's the dominant figure in this relationship!" He managed enough fire to put into that statement. That didn't come as a surprise. The Fire Lord's current family structure was outwardly patriarchal and inwardly matriarchal. "If she doesn't want me, I should be man enough to walk away!"
"So you're saying you've tried to talk?"
He rolled his head around the table again. Drunk Zuko was amusing. Drunk depressed Zuko was rather pathetic. "What am I supposed to do, beg her to love me again? I'm Fire Lord. She's trapped in the relationship. We have children together for Agni's sake. I could divorce her with no problem but she doesn't have recourse to do that."
He believed that. Zuko with his unwavering faith in Mai had suddenly drastically been made unsure. Somehow, somewhere Mai had managed to send mixed signals. Zuko with his inability to read social cues had suddenly misread someone he'd previously read so easily. It made him... bereft. Toph doubted that Mai could suddenly stop loving him. Mai might not be her bestest friend in the world, but Toph knew that Mai was more than in love with Zuko. "So you're guilty thinking that she's staying by your side because she can't be anywhere else, yeah?"
"Yes."
Toph sighed. She wasn't going to be able to convince Zuko of anything rational. Not with this state of mind. She needed to talk to Queen Mother Ursa. She took a deep breath. Never mind, she wasn't close enough with Ursa to unload this bit of emotional junk on her. Maybe Uncle Iroh then.
She needed to drink tea after this anyway.
oOo
Iroh looked at his grandchildren puttering as Ursa watched over them. He cleared his throat, and both watched him in rapt attention as he smiled at them. Ursa was getting tired trying to handle Shenzu's running while soothing Zanmei, so he decided that a little intervention would be welcome.
"Come children. It's time for a story." He motioned for them to sit down in front of both him and Ursa as Ursa gave him a look mixed with gratitude and mild irritation. He gave her a smile. When both children were settled he sat down in front of them. "Once the Jade Emperor's sons tried to defeat the Fire Nation by turning into ten suns."
"Wow! Ten suns." Shenzu spread his fingers out to show his great-uncle. "Like my fingers? Was it hot?"
"Indeed, my prince, it caused the crops to wither and die." Iroh explained bending a little fire and depict the ten suns for his grandchildren high above them so that they would feel its flame.
"Not ten now!" Zanmei protested as she looked out into the single bright noon-day sun high in the sky of Ba Sing Se.
Iroh shook his head. He forgot that children were impatient when telling a story. "Yi an immortal and a great archer-"
"Like mama?" Zanmei interrupted again leaning forward.
"Sort of like your mother, Princess Zanmei," Iroh agreed. When the two children seemed content, Iroh began to tell the story again, "Yi, who was a great archer, started to shoot the suns one by one. Sparing the last, Agni in the skies. As the suns dropped down his wife Chang'e picked up their flames and made an elixir. She gave this elixir to her husband. And he swallowed the elixir made from the suns. It was how the first firebender came to be."
Shenzu frowned as one by one the suns faded away into nothingness while they were looking at it. "Was the emperor sad?"
"Ahh, that is right, prince Shenzu," Iroh said, as if he'd just remembered that part of the story. "The emperor was saddened that his sons were dead, and he banished Yi and his wife Chang'e to be immortals on earth."
"Not fair!" Shenzu protested. Iroh smiled a little, Zuko and Mai managed to give their children a very good base of morals. He would be a good Fire Lord when he grew up. He would inherit Zuko's problems in his administration, but he would inherit the good things about Zuko.
"It is the way of immortals, my prince. This is the reason why this tale is told, so you understand that it is not right. But to Yi it didn't matter that he was banished. He loved the Fire Nation more than his place with the Yellow Emperor, as long as Chang'e was with him."
"Like mama and papa!" Shenzu exclaimed, finally content with the story's ending.
Well, not quite like Zuko and Mai, but that had been the reason why he wanted to tell both the children of the story in the first place. Ursa looked at him with a mild expression of worry. He had wanted to tell her that it was going to be all right. Mai and Zuko were made of sterner stuff than Ursa's own story with Ozai. They would survive this trial. "Yes, my prince, like your mother and father."
Because he would not believe anything else.
oOo
"Is the Fire Lord ... drunk?" Mai asked hesitantly as she rose from her chair.
"Got it in one, Sunshine," Toph drawled as she helped Zuko onto the bed.
Out of all the nicknames Toph had for her, that was the one that irritated her the most. Because honestly? Toph has irony down pat. Toph should teach some to Zuko. "He was supposed to be working." Because what else was she supposed to say?
There was a mild look of uncertainty around Toph that Mai normally didn't associate with the girl. "I know it's none of my business, but he's like a brother to me." A pause before she continued. "You should talk about this."
Mai flexed her fingers several times, trying to restrain herself from picking a knife. Because Zuko would not be pleased if she knifed what amounted to his little sister. She breathed in to calm herself and to belay the hurt. Because Zuko had talked to Toph instead of bringing this to her. "You're right. It is none of your business."
"Look... Lady Mai..." It was one of the rare times that Toph had addressed her by name. It hadn't been easy to get along with Zuko's friends. They were all different from Fire Nation. And she tried, but sometimes, it was just difficult to fit in with them. They had a past of being fugitives and family together. It was something that she'd never quite gotten the hang of. "We're not close. We weren't given the chance to be friends. But we've been together, and maybe... though we can't be close, we are somewhat more than acquaintances."
She stared at Toph silently. It might have worked with someone else, and she knew that the stare had worked on countless of other people. But Toph was blind. So Mai settled on sitting back down and trying to convey to Toph that she was being ignored. It still wasn't the same as a good stare down.
"You're the most important person in his life."
Pain. "Not anymore," Mai whispered. Why did it have to be Toph to bring this up? Why couldn't it have been Suki? Suki was Earth Nation wasn't she? Why wasn't Zuko man enough to tell her to her face that he didn't want her anymore? First it was that damnable letter during the Black Sun and now this. Zuko you passive-aggressive lout! What could she say to someone who was more Zuko's friend than hers? "Thank you for bringing the Fire Lord home, Lady Bei Fong."
"Yeah, sure." Toph hovered over the door. "Sharps, if you're ever around the Earth Kingdom again, visit. We could mock our upbringing and throw darts against the wall." Toph didn't give Mai the chance to respond to that and left.
Mai sighed. She did try to befriend them. They just had not a lot in common. And they had that bond of fraternity that wasn't easily shared, even if Zuko was her husband. She had managed to try and become more than acquaintances at least, and she had been making progress before this debacle. She should apologize to Toph. It wasn't her fault that Zuko didn't want Mai anymore.
Mai went beside him and brushed away his bangs, trying to see his face. He smelled like alcohol, something he rarely drank, and the burnt ashes of dreams. If she looked at him, she could see the moments of inescapable joy that they shared. "All right, Lady Bei Fong. All right."
oOo
His head hurt like two turtle-lions had been roaring at it the entire day, and he didn't quite remember everything that happened. He groaned as Mai helped him into the green robes that his uncle favored when they were in his tea shop.
"You really had to drink before Music Night?" Mai asked with the barest touch of amusement as she made him sit down and fussed with his hair. She'd long since combed it from the Fire Lord's crown. He closed his eyes savoring the feel of her hand on him. He'd take the little intimacies.
He searched his vocabulary for a reasonable response. His drug induced brain could only spout out: "Ergh."
She pressed a cup filled with a strong blend of tea between his hands and continued to fuss around him. "I knew you hated Music Night, but I didn't think it was that bad."
At least Mai was getting some enjoyment out of his suffering. He couldn't even recall how he managed to get home. Last he checked it had been the middle of the morning, and with the way his body was becoming to feel sluggish, he just knew it was close to sunset. The effects of alcohol amplified the lack of sun in his bender bones. "I didn't think four was a bad number."
"You can't even drink one glass of the milder brews, Zuko," She pulled him out of his seat after he gulped down most of the bitter tasting brew, took the cup from his hands and managed to push him through one of the doors in the suite they occupied. "If it was politics, I could have begged off, but Music Night is family, Zuko. Uncle Iroh would know something was wrong if you don't show up."
He stopped, resisted her push then tugged her closer so that he could see her face to face. She was distracted with trying to get him ready, she didn't notice the change in demeanor first. He waited patiently, Mai would notice sooner or later. She always noticed. When she lifted her eyes to his, he gave a half-smile. "Would it matter if they noticed?"
There was a long pause. Her smile became brittle on her face, and then she leaned down and placed her forehead against his arm. "Of course it would. They're family. We should put an appearance that all is right with the world."
He wrapped his arms around her, he missed her so much. "But is all right with the world, Mai?"
She looked up at him, and then gave him a small sad smile. "It will be."
oOo
Mai fingered one of her daggers underneath her robe as she listened silently to people taking their turns playing their instruments and singing. Zuko was offered the Tsungi horn a couple of times, but he declined. He could usually be persuaded to play, but only when he was happy.
Ursa had taken Zanmei and Mai's mother had taken Shenzu so she was left alone with a very tense Fire Lord watching Music Night. One of the Earth Court Ladies, Mai had blissfully forgotten her name, had offered her hand to Zuko for a dance.
Before Zuko could offer another negation, Mai pushed Zuko towards the floor. "Dance, you should relax."
He doesn't dance. He hated dancing. He barely tolerated it with Mai, and only to make her happy, but she wasn't in the mood for one and she had bribed someone to do it for her. None of the Fire Nation courtiers could have been bribed to do that. He'd already made it perfectly clear to them a second wife was out of the question. But here, in the Earth Nation, especially since Mai was the one who arranged it? Maybe he'd find some semblance of happiness.
He gave her a frown before he went along rigidly with the Earth Nation Lady. Iroh deftly took Zuko's place beside Mai. "Not enjoying Music Night, Mai?"
"I rarely enjoy anything, Uncle," Mai retorted in her flat voice as she watched Zuko be led awkwardly around the tea shop. They had pushed the low tables aside to make room for the revelry.
"If you knew the vine disliked the thorns, why plant roses around the vineyard, Lady Mai?" Iroh asked softly, taking a small sip of the warm tea that was abundantly provided in these celebrations.
Mai closed her eyes. Why had she told Zuko that they would put up appearances? She knew that Iroh was going to be perceptive, more perceptive that Ursa. "Because they're the only plant that the vineyard can grow."
Iroh took a sip of tea from the cup that he brought. It was another reason why Mai disliked talking with Zuko's uncle. Not only were the conversations obscure, they were also slow. "Maybe that's because you haven't tried planting something else."
Something broke inside Mai. Suddenly, she couldn't stand talking in this metaphor anymore. "He deserves better than me, Uncle," Mai whispered as her eyes followed her husband around the room. He was not exactly clumsy with the dance. He was too much of a bender to be clumsy. But his movements were rigid and stiff. Firebending doesn't always mean the grace of the waterbenders, but there was controlled force when he moved.
Mai looked at her uncle by marriage, realizing that she was wearing her heart on her sleeve. Uncle Iroh had been watching her watch Zuko and she wondered if he'd seen the longing there. "Mai, maybe you should be thinking that you deserve him," Iroh said softly. Iroh stood up, squeezed her shoulder reassuringly before leaving her.
She closed her eyes, because it had been unbearable to keep them open and look for someone who had once belonged to her. But apparently, her distress was so palpable that Zuko was in front of her in an instant, concern showing. "Hey, hey, do you want to go? You look upset. Mother and Uncle volunteered to watch Shenzu and Zanmei for the night."
She shook her head. It would never do. If she wanted to find for him some semblance of happiness, she could give him this. "Why don't you try entertaining the other ladies instead? I can find my way home."
Zuko frowned slightly as he looked back at the lady he'd abandoned then looked at her. "Mai, please don't tell me you just hired a courtesan to please me." A few years ago, he would not have been perceptive enough to notice. How the court had changed him so.
"Why would I do that?" Mai asked slowly, she suddenly had the feeling that she had made things worse. He was her liege. Surely he would understand that it was the woman who set up the courtesans, the liaisons. It was a way of turning a blind eye. "The Fire Lord deserves Court Ladies and Nobles."
"Agni's ashes, Mai!" Zuko cursed in a fierce whisper. He tugged her up then almost dragged her through the doorway leading outside without saying goodbye to their parents or to uncle Iroh. There was a desperate air to the way he was walking. He took a couple of deep breaths in the cool breeze before letting her go. "What were you thinking?"
"You need a second wife," Mai insisted. It was against her nature to make a scene that they continued on the conversation in strained whispers while they walked briskly towards the Earth Nation Palace. Because obviously she wasn't enough for him anymore.
"Agni, save me from you!" Zuko shouted, eyes blazing with fury. She had known that her husband was capable of fierce anger, but she'd never seen it directed at her before.
Mai closed her eyes, reached out for him and touched his sleeve. "I am."
He turned his gaze on the hand on her hand and his eyes narrowed. She let go hastily. He promptly deposited her on the palanquin that they'd use to come here, his voice the harsh gravel of anger when he'd just used firebending. "Take her to our rooms at the Earth Kingdom."
"Let me take Zanmei and Shenzu home," Mai whispered. She pushed out the curtain from the palanquin to look at him. He wasn't looking at her.
"I'll take care of it. Mother and Uncle have been complaining they don't see enough of their grandchildren." He was going to send them away for the night. Would he send her away too? "I'll be home later, Mai. I'm just going to say good-bye to... everyone and... bend this off."
She gripped the pillows of the palanquin. He didn't turn to look at her even when the palanquin bearers took her away.
oOo
Zuko felt empty after bending that much fire into the night sky, enough that he'd felt safe to go home. He'd known that Mai was unhappy with him, but enough that she'd simply give him away? It was a slap in the face.
She was his brightest flame, his hottest fire. How could that suddenly turn to ashes?
He had known that the feeling of unhappiness would have blazed over them but it had suddenly crested at this moment. He had already told Mai once that all he needed was her, so was this her way of saying that she didn't want him anymore?
She'd been discontent.
They had moved against each other like shadows in flickering lights, hovering, but never touching. He had thought that they had mastered this game well when they were still courting. About talking without words, and listening to the mood of one another without verbalizing. But apparently, sometimes, familiarity breeds miscommunication in the most painful of ways.
They had been given one of the best suites the Earth Nation Palace could afford. He was thankful they'd refused both of their parents for room and board. They could hash it out in the middle of their own wing without either of their parents knowing. She'd been preparing for bed, going through the motions of getting ready. Moving without thinking. Had they really been destined to burn brightly and then be extinguished so suddenly?
He looked at her familiar face, and sometimes he could see the Mai that had once loved him. He should have talked to her before this, but he thought it would all go away. But now he couldn't really pretend that everything was all right, because everything wasn't. But he wished he could because in that moment, going through the motions of something ordinary, he understood that he wanted that with her. Something ordinary.
"Mother and Uncle wanted to keep Zanmei and Shenzu for the night." A Beat of silence. "What's wrong, Mai?" he whispered as he knelt down in front of her, stilling her hands that had been abruptly too busy combing her hair. There were pain in the words, something she had been accustomed to as of late. "Why am I making you so unhappy?"
oOo
She was frustrated. Because really, how could he ask her that? How could she be happy when the reason for her happiness was decidedly not? Zuko had friends, and despite Azula and Ozai, he had family in Ursa and Iroh. She had no one else but him, because Tom-tom and their children were still too young for this drama. Because she was never as close to her parents as he had been with Iroh and Ursa. "You don't want me anymore, Zuko. Of course I'm going to be unhappy."
He tensed in her hands, clenching her slender fingers against the comb before dropping them. She looked at him and saw horror mixed with outrage. "Where did you get a crazy idea like that? I've always wanted you Mai, sometimes too much for my own good." He buried his face on her hair, hiding that quiet anguish amidst her robes. "You walk in the room and I want you. You smile and I want you. You breathe and I want you so much."
There was truth enough in those words. You couldn't deny the feeling that he professed, even if his whole body wasn't against her to resonate with that anguish, she would have felt the longing wrapped in those words. It hadn't been what she was contesting at all. "You may want me, but you never touch me!"
"Well of course I wouldn't touch you!" The words hurt her too much. They've been dancing around these words for months. She had known he wouldn't come to her, but to hear him say it was devastating. "You've miscarried a baby!"
She had known that was going to be the reason. How could he not blame her? She blamed herself. She had lost something he wanted so badly because she was inadequate. Court words, her mother's words. They were all circling around her. "This is why I think you should look for a second wife, so that you can have more children."
He stopped shaking and then sagged into her, leaning his head on her shoulders as he sat beside her on the large chair that occupied the dresser. "I don't need a second wife, Mai. All I want is you. I don't need more children if I can't be with you." It would have been better if he didn't want her. It would have been better for them if he didn't love her.
He could have had concubines, more children from other women, and he wouldn't be this wrecked. She would have wasted away with the lack of his love, but he would have survived without her.
There was a long pause between them, as they absorbed the hurt that had been spiraling around for months. He shifted and turned her face towards him, and she wished he hadn't done that because then they could see each other's pain. "I know firebenders have difficult pregnancies, Mai! But please, could you please, please find it in your heart to forgive me? You loved me once."
The difficult Fire Nation pregnancies were the reason why laws in concubinage were set. The firebender conceiving problems were the reason there was such a low birth rate. A firebender's essence was sometimes too hot to keep with a non-bender wife.
It took her a moment to understand what he said. She hadn't been talking to him because there had been enough hurt in her end when the pregnancy terminated. She just hadn't realized that he would have thought the miscarriage was his fault.
"Blame you?" Mai protested as she stood up from the chair moving away from her husband. It was her turn to splutter. Why would she blame him? If they were assigning blame he should blame her. "I'm always violent during sex. And we're not even supposed to have sex when I'm pregnant. Li and Lo said so. And well... my body might not be good enough to carry children. Tom-tom and I have a fifteen year age gap. Mom miscarried a lot."
When the doctors had told Mai she'd miscarried, she'd almost pushed everyone away. It had been a bitter affair for her, and painfully alone so empty and incomplete. Because she had lost something of hers, and she thought both she and Zuko had put the blame rightly on her.
"I wouldn't blame you for that! Agni, Mai, I would never blame you for that!" he argued fiercely. They hadn't even known she was pregnant immediately. The third pregnancy came too soon after her the second pregnancy. She hadn't even understood why she had been bleeding so long in her monthly courses until she found the courage to talk to a healer.
"Well if you won't blame me, then why blame yourself? It doesn't make sense. You're an idiot." He smiled. It would make sense that he would smile when she insulted him. Zuko the masochist.
"I thought you hated me. I thought I was grieving alone," he confessed as he wrapped his arms around her. Feeling the need to be near her. It hadn't made sense in both sides. But she guessed there was enough guilt to go around. Zuko had always wallowed more in misery, and she had never been a much brighter color than the Fire Nation's muted reds.
She pressed her face on his chest. "Are you... depressed?"
"I'm sad that we lost a child, Mai, but I'm happy that you're with me. Is that wrong?" His arms around her tightened. "It's been months and months since we've lost... him, and we have both Zanmei and Shenzu. It hurts me, because how could it not? But I think of what I have and I think, it's time to move on."
"We should have announced the death, we shouldn't have kept it to ourselves," Mai murmured as she traced the embroidery on Zuko's robe. "It wasn't that we were hiding it, it was just that Zanmei was just six months when I got pregnant again, and it would have hung a pall over her. And it just didn't seem real. We both didn't suspect anything, and there was just a tinge of too much blood."
"We'll do it properly this time. Go home. Burn the proper things. Wear white."
"We did that before too. But it was just the two of us." They hadn't talked about it. They'd just continued with their lives, as if nothing was wrong, as if she hadn't failed him. She hadn't even been confined to the sickbed. She'd been given plenty of fluids and been told to - there's that quaint phrase again - avoid sexual congress, and then sent home. He wanted to fill the house with children, and she couldn't even manage three.
"We'll tell the family, then. They would matter."
And then, because they needed a little levity, she said, "It's a wonder the rest of the nation didn't find out before. Your healers have the most amazing secrecy policy."
"Yeah."
"I'm sorry about tonight. I wasn't thinking. I just thought that - " And then she kissed him. Because after the pain, they needed to be together again. He returned it. All was forgiven. He was sorry too.
Then suddenly he stopped, held a restraining hand out to protest, "But you've been so tired, Mai, and you've been avoiding me like the plague, and your doctors said that we shouldn't."
"I've been tired, because I thought you hated and blamed me, because I thought you didn't want me." She reveled in the closeness, because it had been that long since she felt him around her. She had missed the sex, but she had missed the little things too, the closeness, talking. She just missed being together. "It's been months, Zuko, months. The doctors told me we could try again. Didn't they tell you we could try again?"
"Maybe until both the children are old enough to take care of a young one. I don't want you tiring yourself out." He stopped, and a series of arguments went through his eyes, which she saw he'd ignored, was distracted from by her hand and then rebutted. Finally he settled on, "And no, your doctors didn't tell me. They probably thought you will. And... well why haven't you been visiting me?"
Her turn to fidget. "Well you made it clear you didn't want me. And I wasn't going to push. And besides. It's your turn."
He opened his mouth, and then closed it again. He hadn't known that she was keeping track.
"This is as much my fault as it is yours you know." Mai sighed, as she leaned against him. "I should have known you were just too dorky to initiate anything."
He breathed in. "Does this mean I'm forfeiting my turn?"
"Of course, soldier. Because dorks need to be punished so badly."
And suddenly, though everything was not yet all right... it was on its way there.
Previous || Masterpost || END
Previous || Non NC-17 timeline || END
Author's Notes
Really difficult to write. Mostly because it's really hard to write about miscarrying and about that kind of loss. And I had to deal with the kids. At two and three. Which means I had to find out how two and three year olds really acted.
This is largely patterend on how a Filipino child would be in this setting, because that's what I know. A younger child would always refer to her brother as "Older brother - Name" and parents would call each other papa, and mama while with their children so that their children would emulate and know what to call them.
This is also true in a Chinese family or a Japanese family. Mei mei is younger sister, and gege is older brother. So if Azula was respectful towards her brother (oh haha), she'd always call him Gege Zuko. Or simply, Gege. In Japanese that would go: Zuko-nii/Zuko-niichan or simply Oniisan/Oniichan/Oniisama (more appropriate with -sama since he's a prince) or more formally, Aniue (again more appropriate since he's a prince... flashback to Vision of Escaflowne...) Sooo that about clear? I'm pretty sure all you guys and gals who follow Japanese anime/manga would understand the reference. :)
I'm quite unsure if I went from mad to sad to all right with just the right amount of time.
Creation myth was largely changed from the Myth of Houyi, the God of Archery. The suns being turned to elixir was all me.
With this, the Control!arc is nicely finished. I may, uh from time to time write in it (from a purely pRon perspective), but this was what I originally planned. I wanted an arc that dealt with Chinese/Asian culture in avatar, but also dealt with Mai and Zuko as a couple. And this arc dealt with that.
Engagement (because I was going insane with the number of fics that had Zuko giving Mai an engagement necklace... because he was water tribe that way. I'd understand if he was marrying Katara but Mai... Seriously? ...
Marriage, the concubines, the wet nurses, prostitution in ancient china, contraceptives in ancient china, pregnancies... there's a lot of material in the culture that's widely untapped. I really like these details and that's why this was written. To satisfy my yearning for detail. Which is another reason why sometimes it seemed dry (I need to rewrite some of it)
All of these are things that existed in Ancient china, and well, may be squicky now, and well Avatar is it's OWN story, and clearly a meld of a lot of cultures (hence me melding a lot of things! And researching... a lot of things!!!) but I thought Ancient china needed a representation with all of the very western fics.
MY NEXT PROJECT (after finishing that darned Nabiki fic that I need to finish, really) would be to write an AU that deals with Zuko and Mai in modern day China, or Hong Kong or Taiwan or Japan ... something that's completely Asian. Because there have been a lot of AUs that place Zuko and Mai in the US, but I have yet to see one which deals with them as you know... Asians. *headache* tons of research that.
It would go water tribe: native americans (I don't know much about native americans, because well I'm not american, so most of my research would deal with this). Earth Nation... Korean/Taiwanese. Fire Nation... Chinese/Japanese? That sound right to you? Because I know Fire Nation Military was mainly Japanese Influenced, even if the culture is still largely Chinese. (again avatar wiki backed up so there)
OR MAYBE a mythological AU piece! But lots of work there. I would have to world build a lot. And it can't be one shots, because I'd have to connect it. -_-; oh there goes my plot bunny... it's jumping up and down. *SQUASH*
It could be Zuko teaching another godling to become a god (which is... argh... how is that going to end up Maiko???? It'll end up genfic with little Maiko!! I want a Maiko with a good deal of GEN). Or the young god Zuko takes a bridal offering... again how is that Maiko? garrr... I can't see Mai ever being human if zuko is in the spirit realm as a minor god. Besides, if Zuko takes a bride, I can see the beginning, but I have to formulate an ENDING and a MIDDLE for it to work. It has to go SOMEWHERE, otherwise I won't be able to write it.
I still don't have a story board for either. I know how the world works in either of the stories, but I'd need a plot to work out. Which I don't seem to have yet. I need a sounding board. :(
Tell me what you guys think. ... both the story and the next project haha :)
RESOURCE
http://www.china-corner.com/forum/forum_topics.asp?FID=4