Fic: Take You Away (13 Final)
They very nearly lose their next game, and Alex blames himself. He just played so badly, and it felt like the more he tried to correct it, the deeper in he got. Ryan spent the whole game scoring and giving Alex perfect passes he couldn’t do anything with, and while Alex was dragging down the game, the rest of the team was busy scoring four goals to the Stars’ three.
After the game, he gets showered and dressed slowly, somehow so exhausted from his frantic, panicky skating, more time spent rushing to correct his mistakes than making any strides towards scoring. He finally gets to the locker room, where Ryan’s almost finished getting dressed. Alex starts dressing, gets as far as putting on pants and grabbing his shirt before sinking down on the bench. He starts untwisting his crumpled-up shirt, looks up when Ryan sits next to him. Ryan pulls Alex into his arms, and Alex wraps his arms around him, breathes out a slow breath.
“It’s okay,” Ryan says softly, “you’re gonna be okay, we’ll fix it. I promise.”
“I know,” Alex sighs out, leans against him. He doesn’t, though, really doesn’t, but at least he knows that if Ryan thinks something’s wrong, Alex can count on him to try and fix it. Normally, he’d be sure Ryan could fix it, too, but this - Alex knows this can’t be fixed.
“Let’s go home,” Ryan says, and Alex hugs him tight, nods yes.
They go back to Alex’s apartment, and in the entryway, Ryan takes over unbuttoning Alex’s jacket for him, rubs his hands down Alex’s arms to warm him up. Oh, Alex loves Ryan’s hands on him, and he surges forward to wrap his arms around Ryan, buries his face against Ryan’s neck. “You gave me really good passes tonight,” he says softly. “I’m sorry I couldn’t do anything with them.”
“What’s bothering you, babe?” Ryan asks, so gentle, stroking over Alex’s hair. It’s probably just habit, but Alex loves when Ryan calls him this, so sweet and soft. “Please talk to me.”
“I dunno,” Alex mumbles. He kind of wants to just stay here, Ryan’s arms tight around him, feels like it would fix everything somehow. It couldn’t, nothing could, but he likes feeling like something could, because what’s wrong is earth-shattering, is realising just how much Ryan loves someone else, not him, never him. “I just dunno.”
“Wanna go watch a movie in your room?” Ryan says, still holding him close, “you’re so tired, we should.”
“Yeah,” Alex nods, can only make himself let go of Ryan because they’re going to end up on his bed in a few minutes. Any other time - oh, it’s just so hard. They go to Alex’s bedroom and Alex changes his clothes, Ryan borrowing some so he doesn’t have to stay in his nice clothes; Alex kind of loves that Ryan always chooses a t-shirt that says Burrows on the back. Alex crawls onto the bed, watches Ryan click through channels. Ryan scoots close to him, lowers his head to Alex’s shoulder.
“How bout this?” he says, stopping on a movie Alex has seen tons of times, absolutely loves.
“Oui, this is good.” He wants so badly to pull Ryan even closer, settles for wrapping an arm around his shoulders. Ryan shifts onto his side towards Alex, slides one leg over Alex’s and puts his arm around Alex’s waist, so close to him, Alex loves it. The disastrous game feels so far away when they’re here in the semi-dark of Alex’s room, and he’s just so glad he has Ryan to make everything better. Ryan turns his face against Alex’s neck, sighs out a slow breath.
“Do you think this is… like… bad for us? Our - friendship?” Ryan asks.
“What is?” Alex says, knows full well Ryan means this, means getting to curl up close together, means this thing Alex couldn’t live without. Don’t take this away from me, he wants to beg, I need this need you I just really need you.
“This…” Ryan says, like he can’t say it aloud. He strokes his fingers over Alex’s stomach, nuzzles against his neck.
“Non,” Alex insists quickly, “it’s- it’s fine. So fine.”
“Cos I never wanna risk you - I mean. Our friendship,” Ryan says, looks up at him for a moment.
“Ryan…”
“I think it’s good,” Ryan says, holds onto him tight, and Alex nods, just never wants him to let go.
“Moi aussi.” This makes Ryan sit up, and for a second, Alex is so worried - but all Ryan does is turn the TV volume down a little, then pull Alex back against him. Alex curls in eagerly, clings tight to him. Before long, he’s nearly lulled to sleep, never as happy as when he’s here, Ryan holding him close.
“We should go to sleep,” Ryan says softly, cards his fingers through Alex’s hair. Alex nods sleepily, even though he can’t make himself move. He just - just loves this, loves Ryan, more than anything.
“Ouais,” he yawns, “this is - good idea.” He sits up a little, leans in and kisses Ryan.
Except - oh. He’s - he can’t - he’s not supposed to - Alex jerks away again, suddenly too awake, heart slamming in his chest. Fuck, he’s so stupid, he can’t- can’t, he can’t kiss Ryan, Ryan doesn’t want - him, doesn’t want him like that, and Alex - he’s ruined everything.
“I’m - je suis - so sorry,” he blurts out, tears welling in his eyes before he can stop it. He just - he can’t ruin this, not the most important thing in his life, because - oh, is he going to lose Ryan, he can’t. Alex buries his face in his hands, shoulders shaking as he sobs.
“Sorry for what?” Ryan asks, his arms still around Alex, not letting him jerk away. “Babe, please, please-”
“For - that, kissing you,” Alex chokes out between sobs, can barely breathe from how much it hurts. How could he? He just - forgot, for a second, that this isn’t his, that Ryan doesn’t want him.
“No,” Ryan says, “God, don’t say that. D’you know how hard it is not to kiss you?” Alex just shakes his head no, doesn’t understand. He chances a glance up, but Ryan’s looking at him, something like worry on his face, and Alex knew he ruined everything, why did he have to do that? Why? “Just…” Ryan says, dips his head to press his lips to Alex’s. “I want this. Please.” He kisses Alex again, and Alex can’t help but kiss him back, helpless, because what else can he do? He just - oh, he needs to, and he shouldn’t, just shouldn’t.
“But you don’t,” Alex manages, “That other guy.” He doesn’t - doesn’t want Ryan to settle for him out of sympathy, just because someone else was too stupid to want him, Alex can’t do that to Ryan - but all he does is the wrong thing, just kissed Ryan, and he can’t -
“There is no other guy, it’s you, Alex. It’s always been you, you were never practice, babe, it’s just you,” Ryan says, this tone Alex barely knows, so soft and helpless. “Just please let me love you.”
“But-” Alex stammers, understanding too late - he doesn’t - just can’t get it, is he - he must be misunderstanding the English or something, because Ryan doesn’t - “you love him, he’s perfect, you were - said you have no chance.” Fuck, he’s going to cry again, hates when he does that, he doesn’t want to think about everything he can’t have right now, he’s already ruined everything he’s lucky enough to have -
“I love you. You are perfect. I never thought I’d have a chance, but you said - you said you’d think about giving someone a chance,” Ryan says, still holding him so tight, “So - please let it be me, Alex, I’ll do anything.” Alex is just - speechless, could never believe this. Could Ryan - maybe -
“But it was you, since - beginning, you are who I cannot be having, and - have been in love with,” Alex doesn’t know why Ryan’s looking at him like that, disbelief and shock, and maybe Alex shouldn’t have confessed that - he must have misunderstood Ryan somehow, understanding English worse than usual and screwing up everything.
“Wait, what? Are you - who was the guy you fell in love with seven years ago?” Ryan asks, and his arms are still around Alex, still keeping him close, and as terrified and confused Alex is, that makes it better, keeping him from breaking down in sobs again. God, he’s just desperate to know what Ryan means, because - because Alex might get what he’s always wanted, might have everything, have Ryan, or - or oh, did he fuck up everything again, and they can’t recover this time, how could they, Alex just keeps ruining things.
“Oui, is you, how can I not be falling in love with you?” Please, he’s so close to begging, I can’t lose you, I really can’t, I love you so much.
“So are we-” Ryan starts, cuts himself off, “does this mean you’re mine?”
“If - if you - are wanting - me?” Alex can’t keep up, doesn’t understand, but it sounds like Ryan might want him, and - and could he? Please, this is all he wants.
“Yes, I want you, you’re all I want, you’re the only thing I’ve ever wanted,” Ryan says, like he’s desperate with the need for Alex to understand. And this - this is what Alex has always wanted to hear, and Ryan - Ryan really does want him, him, not someone else, just - just him. Alex can’t manage any words, just leans up to kiss Ryan, because this is his, he really, really can, and Ryan kisses him back and holds him tight, and he really meant it. He still looks scared though, like he isn’t sure he can believe it.
“I fell in love with you when I am meeting you,” Alex says carefully, doesn’t want Ryan to think he’s saying this on accident, that his English is off and he doesn’t really, really want Ryan. “And I love you, Ryan, just you. And I was so jealous of this guy you said you love, because I want you to want me.”
Ryan laughs, hugs Alex closer, “You are the guy I love, and I want you like fucking crazy. I tried so hard to pretend I wasn’t, but I can’t, okay, you’re everything to me and I fucking love you.”
There’s nothing Alex can say to this, no words left in any language, because this - this is what he’s always wanted, this is what he wanted since the day he realised he only smiles for me, because he keeps finding things to love about Ryan, because he just knew, knew right away and knew over time that this - this is different.
“I just love you,” he manages, pulls Ryan down to kiss him again and again, every one for him, has always been for him. Nothing could be better than this, than finding out that everything was always his, that Ryan has always wanted him, that now, as Ryan whispers I love you against his lips, it’s for him, just him, always him. Maybe it was risky, what they did to end them here, but when it comes to Ryan, Alex just gets swept away by the need to be with him, the need for him. Alex would go through everything all over again if he had to because this is worth it. He’s ended up with Ryan - Alex would do anything, go anywhere, if it meant he could end up here.
This is the love that changed him and broke him and took him away from everything there was before Ryan, and this is where Alex always wants to be. This is the love that took him away, brought him here, to this place where Ryan loves him back, and where Alex always wants to stay.