Fic: Take You Away (10)
Ryan doesn’t like this return to the way things used to be. It’s hard to like it when barely a week ago, he got to wake up to Alex wrapped around him, nuzzling sleepily against his neck. This morning, Alex is in the other hotel bed, curled up in the middle of it, arm thrown over a pillow. Everything’s wrong now, from Alex crying on the bench to sleeping alone, and Ryan couldn’t comfort him, could only be glad that someone else was able to try, and he couldn’t even be jealous, had no right to be, and he can’t climb into Alex’s bed and hold him now. Ryan misses being next to him and holding him so badly, but at least Alex is still here. Alex hasn’t left him yet, and Ryan’s been so careful, because he just can’t let that happen to him. He’d just - oh, he’d die, how could he go a day without his Alex? Meeting Alex years ago and falling into place beside him, it was thinking oh, there he is, this piece that had always been missing, and Ryan - he can’t go back to the way he was before Alex, not now that he knows just how much he needs Alex. And he thought - he thought he’d ruined everything. He even had warning, did exactly what he was supposed to keep from doing, and - and how could he have thought, even for a moment, that Alex would ever want to be loved by him? It’s the very thing that’s come so, so close to driving Alex away, and all Ryan can do is be angry with himself for ever believing it could lead to any other outcome, how the fuck could he think Alex would want that? He’s just so fucking lucky that he didn’t manage to ruin everything irreparably, because they got - got so terrifyingly, dangerously close to that. I love you used to always be on his lips, so present he was almost afraid it was visible, but now - now he knows what he can never, never say.
They head down to breakfast on the later side, and Ryan’s never been quite this grateful for Alex’s happy chatter, just so glad Alex is talking like normal. Ryan’s so thankful for it, terrified of feeling the way he has before, pretending to be confident that he can fix everything but oh God he can’t and if he opens his mouth he’ll fuck up everything - but this, Ryan can handle this. This feels normal. They get food and start over to the group of tables, and suddenly Alex goes silent.
“Alex?” Ryan looks up, heart suddenly racing, why did Alex just -
“Hien,” Alex says, sounds bewildered, “regardes.”
Maxim and Kevin are at a table by the window, sitting close together, and Kevin’s got his arm around Maxim, leaning in close to tell him something. Alex goes over to sit with them and Ryan follows, tries not to look shocked. Just a few days ago, Kevin was saying that Maxim wouldn’t even look at him, and now - now, it looks like Kevin has Maxim back, has him the way Kevin’s always wanted him.
“Hey, what’s up?” Kevin says, like nothing’s out of the ordinary, and his tone would be convincing, but he’s smiling, keeps looking at Maxim like he can’t stop being amazed he’s there.
“They didn’t have the Boston channel at the Boston hotel!” Alex says, what he was telling Ryan about on the way down.
“The Boston channel?” Maxim asks. Kevin steals a strawberry off his plate and Maxim smiles up at him, gaze lingering.
“Ouais, the one I watch at Ryan’s, it always has Boston commercials! And they didn’t have this channel there.”
“Because it’s one channel out of the eight million Boston has, maybe?”
“I’m gonna get coffee,” Ryan cuts in, pushing back his chair, “Alex, want anything?”
“Non, merci,” Alex smiles radiantly at him before going back to trying to explain TV stations to Maxim.
“Okay. Come with me, Juice,” he says to Kevin.
“Sure,” Kevin gets up, unnaturally easygoing. He follows Ryan away from the table, doesn’t seem to notice that they’re halfway across the room from where the coffee is.
“You and Lappy?” Ryan asks, can’t help but sound surprised.
“Me and him,” Kevin confirms, grins big.
“But - how?” How in the world did he pull this off, lose Maxim and get him back, fall in love with his teammate and end up with him? Ryan’s been saying we’re not like Juice and Lappy, for so long - first, out of terror, hoping he couldn’t lose Alex the way Kevin lost Maxim, and then in denial, and now, what if it’s true, what if they really aren’t like Kevin and Maxim, who are - are like this?
“I don’t even know,” Kevin says, shaking his head, that smile he only has when he’s talking about Maxim, “I feel like - I won the lottery. Or I’m dreaming, maybe.”
“Wow,” Ryan manages, “that’s - wow. But when?”
“In Boston, after I got hurt. That was the best fucking thing that ever happened to me.”
“Chara clocked you,” Ryan says, still can’t really grasp onto this. “Because you were looking at Marchand and Lappy.”
“Best thing in my fucking life. I sent Chara and Marchand a fruit basket this morning, swear to God.”
“You’re so fucking weird. But ,you know. I’m happy for you. Not about getting hit - I mean, indirectly, then, I guess?” he says, and Kevin laughs.
“I’m just so lucky,” he says, and he’s not looking at Ryan, he’s looking back at Maxim, something like awe on his face.
Ryan can’t stop thinking about it for the rest of the day, because it’s just - it’s just so close to what he wants, can’t have. If he got hurt, Alex would be so sweet, but it wouldn’t make Alex fall in love with him. Maybe if Ryan didn’t stop crossing lines and going too far, maybe he would have this with Alex - but no, he’s not that lucky. He’s not Kevin, apparently, who can lose the love of his life and then impossibly get him back; Ryan’s only stroke of luck was realizing what he was doing in the very last moments before it completely ruined them, in just enough time to stop everything completely. He should really just be thankful for that, and he is, so fucking grateful that he still has Alex as his best friend, but all the same, he remembers what it was like to kiss Alex, and he just misses it so, so badly. He wants Alex so fucking much, and it’s not fair to be so close to what he wants, but for Alex to not really be his, so unfair that he knows the most perfect things and will never be allowed to have that again.
The rest of the day goes slowly. It feels extra hard, for some reason, to force himself to just be Alex’s friend. He just keeps wanting to kiss Alex, to hug him close or hold his hand or say things that are too sweet, too gentle. After practice, when they were standing around the bench talking, Alex fell through the ajar door onto the ice and laughed, and Ryan offered him a hand to get back up, got so close to kissing him for the way he smiled. It just feels like it’s been such a long day, and by the time they’re at their Sunrise hotel room, he’s just exhausted by theeffort it takes, just to remember what he’s not allowed to do, but he has to remember, because maybe if he’s good about this, maybe Alex won’t leave him.
In the evening, Alex picks a movie to order and not two minutes in, Ryan’s already having a hard time paying attention. Alex is next to him, but not right next to him, not close enough to touch. He’s just right there, and Ryan knows the cute little sounds Alex when Ryan pulls him close, knows how incredibly warm he is and the way he curls into Ryan’s side, and Ryan still can’t let himself touch Alex at all. He has to try not to remember how Alex tastes or looks or sounds when he comes apart in Ryan’s arms, and it’s so hard, because it’s the best thing Ryan’s ever known.
“Ryan?” Alex says, this concerned voice like something’s wrong. He’s looking down at his lap, and Ryan has to clasp his own hands together so he won’t reach for Alex.
“What?”
“Euh - how are things, with the guy?” Alex asks. He slides down against the pillows until he’s nearly lying down, looks up at Ryan. Ryan slides down beside him, presses his cheek to the pillow.
“It… didn’t work out,” Ryan says, and it hurts, telling Alex this because he’s saying it didn’t work out with you, you don’t love me, because Alex looks at him with sad eyes and has no idea this is something he should hate Ryan for. There was never any way it could work out, but at least telling Alex this, they’ll be okay again. Alex will know that he doesn’t have to worry about Ryan ever wanting to practice with again, and fuck,Ryan burns with shame when he thinks of how thoroughly he took advantage of Alex’s sweet nature, asked for miles too much, again and again.
“I’m so sorry,” Alex says softly, “that’s - so sad.”
“It’s okay, though. Long as I have you, I’ll be okay.” Alex is worth anything, worth all this, and as long as he’s still here, Ryan can go through this over and over, can have his heart broken indefinitely.
“Will you tell me what happened?” Alex asks, gentle and sorry. Ryan sighs out an unstable breath.
“He’s just - way out of my league, I could never deserve him. It was stupid of me to even try.” He’s always hated this, how completely true it is, the only stable thing he has. Alex could be taken from him at any moment, Ryan could fuck up so badly and lose Alex, but this will always be true - Alex has always been too good for him.
“No, Ryan,” Alex says, and then he wraps his arms around Ryan, pulls him in close. Ryan’s breathing stutters in surprise, but he scoots close gratefully, presses himself along Alex’s side. God, he’s missed holding Alex. Alex isn’t his, but he fits here so perfectly, sometimes Ryan thinks he himself must be a mistake, because they fit together perfectly in just this way, nothing else he could ever compete in. “This isn’t true,” Alex says softly, “you’re perfect, he’s stupid to not be realizing this.”
“Alex,” Ryan loves it, hates it, to hear these things from Alex. None of them are true, and it hurts, but at least he knows how it sounds, the only things he wants to hear. “that’s just - not true, and it’s nice you say it is, but - Alex, it’s not, just - don’t, please.”
“I won’t let you be sad for not true things,” Alex strokes Ryan’s back, and Ryan loves Alex’s hands on him, could cry for how much he needs it. “I know you more than anyone, I know this.” Ryan can’t find any words, just shaken over this, every time Alex says something he needs to hear and knows isn’t true. “What can I do?” Alex asks. He’s holding Ryan though, he’s here and he’s being his perfectly sweet self and he’s being all the things Ryan loves about him; there’s nothing Ryan could ask for, except to have this for as long as possible, longer than he deserves. All he ever wants is some kind of promise that Alex will never be taken away from him, that he’ll never ruin them that badly, that he’ll never lose Alex because he made Alex take himself away.
“Just be my best friend forever,” Ryan spills out before he can stop himself. It’s the only thing he wants, he’ll stop asking for more, he really will; that was what was wrong with Alex, Ryan fucking ruined them by having sex with him, and he’s not going to do that anymore, he’ll only ask what he might be allowed to have. Alex just holds him tighter, pets over his hair.
“I promise.”
Ryan closes his eyes, breathes in slow and just wants to remember this, the way Alex can make everything better even when Ryan’s wrecked over him again, again.
The other morning, Ryan saw the video preview of the French video spot Alex and Maxim did. It was just a short clip, a sneak peek at their interviews, but it killed Ryan. He could tell, even if no one else ever could; Alex’s sad eyes broke his heart. Alex was clearly pretending to be fine, but even when he smiled, Ryan could see that it was forced, and feels so fucking guilty. He’s hurt Alex so many times, and Alex is still here, still taking care of Ryan even though Ryan doesn’t deserve him at all, has proved that over and over again. But Alex - he’s still here. That video hurt so badly, all Ryan could do was put his head down and cry, this evidence of how much he’s hurt the person he loves the most.
“’s all I need,” Ryan says quietly, “all that matters.” Alex makes a sympathetic little noise, cards his fingers through Ryan’s hair gently, murmuring mon pauvre. Ryan doesn’t ever want to move, but Alex doesn’t seem about to let go of him, thankfully, shifts a little so that Ryan can watch the movie with his head on Alex’s chest.
“C’est bon,” Alex says, so soft, “because, you can count on this.” He skims his fingertips over Ryan’s arm, always the gentlest anyone’s ever been with Ryan.
“This feels so good,” Ryan mumbles into Alex’s shirt, “you’re always so nice to me.” Oh, even if he wanted to draw away from this, run so he doesn’t give himself the chance to ruin them again, Ryan can’t, wouldn’t be able to, because he just needs Alex so, so bad. He’s done enough already, but still can’t let go entirely.
“Bien sur,” Alex says, that soft voice that Ryan hates to think is for anyone but him.
“You don’t - have to do this, you know. If… if you don’t want to,” he says, but oh, he hopes Alex wants to. He isn’t stupid enough to hope that Alex loves him, but this, this is close enough that’ll hurt so much if he can’t really have it, he just really hopes Alex wants to, that he doesn’t want to let go. Ryan clings to him tighter, doesn’t dare look up.
“Mais, I am wanting to,” Alex says, sounds almost confused, as if it’s a given, that he wants to. Ryan breathes a sigh of relief, curls in closer against him.
Alex talks through the whole movie like he always does, and it’s more comforting than Ryan would have believed it could be, feeling like everything’s back to normal. He very nearly lost Alex, lost Alex because Ryan was allowed to do what he wanted, but Alex is still here at the end, and Ryan’s never going to get to kiss him again, but Alex is holding him still. It might be just the fading vestiges of everything, eased back into what’s normal with one last night, but Ryan could have nothing of it left and he would still be grateful, because Alex is always going to be here. Before the movie’s over, Alex is asleep, cheek against the top of Ryan’s head, arms still around him. Ryan snags the remote from Alex’s other side and turns off the TV, then slips his arm further around Alex, so warm pressed against him. Ryan should let go, but doesn’t want to, just can’t, because - his Alex, he just can’t. It’s like Alex was made to be held, and it feels so impossibly good, Ryan could fool himself into thinking Alex’s body fits perfectly against his, and oh, Alex makes the sweetest sounds as he burrows closer, clings to Ryan in his sleep. He’s just so warm and sweet and perfect and the best thing Ryan’s ever been lucky enough to know, and he can never let go of Alex.
“I love you,” he breathes, just can’t help it, because this is his sweet Alex, and Ryan just loves him. He didn’t think he could make it through another day without getting to hold Alex, and somehow, it’s like Alex knew.