Fic: Take You Away (6)
“Are you sure?” Ryan asks again, reaching over to snag a piece of shrimp off of Alex’s plate. They’re at a sushi place, and Ryan hates sushi, but he loves this, being out to lunch with just Alex, knows Alex picked a place that also serves non-sushi food because he knows what Ryan likes. Alex always picks his sushi apart, eats the ingredients one by one, the battered shrimp last.
“Very sure, Ryan,” Alex says, practically giggling, “you do not speak French, you can’t be doing this TV thing with us, it is French.”
“You don’t really speak English, but we let you film stuff with us all the time,” Ryan says, and Alex laughs.
“I am adding character, that is why,” he proclaims, and Ryan grins.
“This is really good,” he says, noticing Alex looking hopefully at his plate. “You want to try it?”
“Bien sur,” Alex says, nodding happily. Ryan picks up one potstickers with his fingers, feeds it to Alex, loves the way it makes Alex all-but giggle. “This is good! Do you want to be trying mine? I know you don’t be liking - euh, with the- the green part? But it’s good!”
“Yeah,” Ryan says eagerly, because he hates sushi, but he loves what Alex does next, picks up a little piece of sushi and feeds it to him. Ryan catches his wrist, kisses his fingertips. “Not bad,” he says, even though it’s not exactly the most edible thing he’s ever had.
“There’s more, euh, flavours? Kinds? Try that also!” He holds out another one and Ryan takes it eagerly, licks at Alex’s fingers, sucks on his fingertips. “This one is better?” Alex asks.
“Definitely an acquired taste,” he says, kissing Alex’s fingertips again.
“Can I make you be trying another?”
“Alex,” Ryan grins, “I can’t, or I won’t be able to get up and walk out of here.” He licks up Alex’s finger to demonstrate what he has to stop doing, and Alex blushes, that smile Ryan didn’t use to even know he had, coy and sly all at once. How did he live without knowing this smile? That, and the whimpery little noises Alex makes when - fuck, this isn’t making the situation any better, he’s still getting hard even though he’s not kissing and sucking Alex’s fingers anymore. This is just what happens now, though, he’s pretty much semi-hard around Alex all the time, because now he knows what it’s like to be with Alex in bed, can look at him and remember every last thing - he definitely shouldn’t be thinking about this in public, though. Definitely not.
“I still am not liking the kind that is not cooked,” Alex is saying, inspecting the menu critically, “I know this is more culture-ant, but. This is not cooked. Except, au moins, it is only fish, I saw a commercial, this girl, she ate a bug. And I think this is not cooked, too, and, too, a bug.” God, Ryan’s never going to get enough of listening to Alex talk, the way his eyes light up, the things he talks about.
“They had bug-eating on FearFactor,” he says, “cave spiders, or something.” Alex makes a face at this.
“I hate spiders,” he says, like Ryan doesn’t know this. One practice, Alex said he hadn’t been able to sleep the night before because there was a spider high on the ceiling, and Ryan had just - wished he was there to take care of it, make Alex feel safe enough to sleep. “I saw one of these shows, once, they had to climb on the outside of a building - the, euh. Fire ladder?”
“Fire escape.”
“Oui,” Alex confirms, smiles sunnily at him, “and another, they have two cars, hanged from helicopters or something, and there is water pouring on them, and you have to jump one to other!” He illustrates this with his hands, somehow indicating suspended cars. Ryan just wants him never to stop, has always loved days like this, having Alex all to himself. Alex is just - just fucking adorable, excited over anything. Ryan hides a smile, rubs the top of his foot against the inside of Alex’s ankle gently, just has to be touching Alex in some way. Alex blushes and smiles, and for a moment, everything’s perfect - and then Alex looks away, something sad crossing his face before he hides it, starts talking again.
You know I’m in love with you, right? Ryan aches to say, the only thing he can think. Sometimes, he can almost fool himself into thinking this is what Alex wants to hear. The first time he got so close, oh, he still remembers that, blurting out half the sentence before stopping himself. They’d been out drinking with the team, and Alex had told him I want us to get a puppy, or a kitten, maybe, because apparently that was what he did when he drank, thought about unfairly adorable plans for the future; Ryan had gotten so close, said you know I’m, until he stopped himself, finished with down for that, of course, and not what he’d meant to say at all. And this, this is no different, because Alex sad for a moment is a heartbreak for Ryan. Alex is fiddling with a chopstick on the table, and Ryan reaches over, rubs his thumb over the inside of Alex’s wrist. Sometimes, he’s afraid that Alex is going to get tired of Ryan being so fucking overly into him, stop him and say this isn’t about us being together, I’m trying to help you get with this guy, and poor Alex, what if he’s sick of this always, because Ryan’s always obviously in love with him, hopelessly and uselessly.
“You’re absolutely sure I can’t learn French before the filming?” Ryan asks, but this doesn’t make Alex smile right away. He looks down at Ryan’s hand over his wrist before he smiles up at Ryan, almost convincingly.
“French is hard,” Alex says, “and the filming is in some hours.” He hooks his foot around Ryan’s ankle, smiles at him. “But, you do not need to be knowing French. You are understanding me always already.”
“Maybe we’re soulmates,” Ryan says, grins, but oh, his heart’s beating fast, and he’s pointlessly hopeful that Alex is going to say yes, we are, say I’ve always known this.
“Mais bien sur,” Alex says brightly, laughing.
“That means ‘of course,’ right?” Ryan asks, smiles at the way this makes Alex light up.
“So maybe you can be coming to the filming, you are speaking French!”
Ryan just wants this always, Alex so thrilled with him, loves it when it’s just them, Alex smiling and bright and happy, just like himself, the way Ryan loves him. And - and Alex said of course, and he wasn’t serious, but he didn’t say he’s too good for Ryan, because he’s just so, so sweet to Ryan, impossibly wonderful. They leave shortly afterwards, and Ryan walks Alex over to his car, Alex talking happily.
“Have fun at the filming,” Ryan says, hugs Alex close. He just wants to be a little closer to Alex for a second, because he has to be away from Alex for hours, until tomorrow, never likes that. Alex holds onto him tight, and Ryan loves the way Alex feels in his arms, against his body, Alex just fits here so perfectly. “I’ll see you later, babe,” Ryan says softly, presses a kiss to Alex’s temple; no matter how many times he kisses Alex, no matter which way, he’s always going to feel this, his pulse racing and this jostling anxiety, because he can’t believe he can do this, that he could ever be this lucky. Alex smiles at him a little.
“I’ll, euh. See you,” he says.
Ryan misses him the moment he leaves.
He’s got plans to meet up with Kevin for dinner while Alex is still at the filming thing, but that’s not for a few hours. The rest of the afternoon drags by slowly, and Ryan only lasts another half an hour before he texts Alex hope the filming’s going well and that lappy isn’t driving u crazy. But if u have to lock him in a closet its ok, ur doin us all a favor. He figures Alex is too busy to write back, but ten minutes later, he gets filming is boring and lappy does separate thing than me right now, so I do not have to be doing this yet. Maybe in a hour.
I miss you really bad, Ryan texts next, isn’t sure he should even as he presses send. Every minute that passes is agonizing, and he doesn’t know if he should be backtracking, but adds I wish you were here before he’s even seen a single reply from Alex. And then - then a fucking hour goes by, then two hours, and he’s looking at his phone more often than whatever it was that’s on TV, and he must have said too much, needs to stop being so honest - when his phone buzzes, he scrambles to grab it off the couch, can barely manage to open the message. It’s not Alex, though, it’s Kevin, saying ill pick u up in a few. Spare u the embarrassment of showing everyone how bad u r at driving.
That was almost nice of u, Ryan texts back, goes to find his wallet. He can’t resist sending Alex just one more message, texts don’t leave me to go be a tv heartthrob.
This time, the reply is almost immediate, and Ryan drops the keys he just picks up with his phone buzzes in his pocket. Do not be worrying, dispite my future promising in tv, it reads, seems incomplete. Another one comes a second later, I would never be leaving you for tv stuff.
What would you leave me for? Ryan sends back, just stands there staring at his phone until it buzzes again. What would Alex leave him for - because whatever the fuck it is, Ryan’s killing it. He just - just really hopes there isn’t anything.
HAHAHA ryan :) you know there is nothing! Alex texts.
Promise, Ryan writes back. He wants to plead, beg Alex to never, never go.
I promise, Alex’s text reads, and Ryan can breathe a little easier.
I’m saving these texts so you’re bound forever now, he replies. It’s not enough, he wants bigger promises, things he can save and rely on, but it’s something, even if it ends up just being something he has to cling to when everything goes wrong, even if it ultimately makes it worse. I know, Alex sends.
Dinner with Kevin is a good distraction from everything, even though Ryan might spend a good amount of time complaining about not being invited to the French TV thing.
“Kes,” Kevin reminds him again when they’re back at Ryan’s apartment, Ryan unlocking the front door, “You don’t speak French.”
“Doesn’t mean I couldn’t have been invited,” Ryan grumbles, finally gets the door open. “I can learn, and stuff.”
“Actually, it really does. You wouldn’t have understood a thing.”
“So I stand there and look good! Not a hardship for anyone.”
“You really aren’t capable of that, either.”
“I will withhold all the beer. Don’t test me.”
They grab beer from the kitchen and head into the living room. Ryan starts flipping through channels, snickers when he comes across one of the shows about hoarders.
“Oh, please, no,” Kevin groans up at the ceiling, head tipped back to the cushions. “How do you still not have remotely decent taste?”
“This is quality shit, dude - what the fuck, how is that goldfish alive?” Ryan gasps out.
“There is no way a goldfish lives in that.”
“I swear to God, there’s a goldfish. Right behind the sneaker in the bowl. And it’s not even her fish, it’s her sister’s, and - and what the fuck, she doesn’t even have a sister?”
“But she said her husband slept with her sister - but - she doesn’t have one?”
“She made up an affair with her imaginary sister?” Ryan frowns at the screen, paying even closer attention now. He’d just much rather focus on something, even if it’s stupid fucking goldfish, because he just misses Alex so damn much.
“What the fuck is in that freezer?” Ryan says, doesn’t know if he’s more bewildered or disgusted.
“What freezer?” Kevin asks.
“Are you even watching?” Ryan looks over at him, but Kevin’s kind of frowning, gaze downcast.
“No. Kes, I fucked up,” He finally says, glances up only briefly.
“With a freezer? Dude, no matter what you left to die in your fridge, I’m pretty sure it’s not as bad as that - what the fuck. Is that food?” Ryan says, distracted by the show. What the hell are they even watching?
“No - I fucked up… with Max,” Kevin says, this quiet, pained voice that Ryan’s never heard from him before. “He - he can’t stand to be around me.”
“You can’t have. Because, it’s Lappy, so. You can’t have fucked up.” It’s just not conceivable; Kevin and Lappy are always fine. They’re inseparable.
“I did. Trust me.” Kevin exhales slowly, and he seems - seems sure, absolutely sure that he’s fucked up with Lappy, but it must be impossible. “The other night, in Edmonton… I guess we… had too much to drink… and…” Kevin trails off, like every word has to be dragged from him.
“What’d you do?” Ryan asks, just doesn’t know what to guess.
“We- well, I asked him - okay, begged him - to -” Kevin looks away, says “fuck me,” in this small voice, and Ryan’s heart just stops.
“What,” he manages to say. He - holy fuck. Asking his best friend to fuck him probably wasn’t good for their friendship, and oh, God, Ryan knows how much Maxim means to Kevin, Maxim’s the world to him.
“I wanted him to fuck me, so I asked-”
“Begged.”
“-begged him to fuck me.”
“What’d he say?” Ryan asks, and Kevin looks down.
“He said, uh, ‘please can we,’ and some stuff in French-”
“You guys fucked?” Ryan gasps, “you actually did it?” They - they were off fucking, those nights on the roadtrip, Ryan can barely believe it. Kevin looks so upset, though, like he’s sure this ruined them. “Dude, I’m sure it’s fine, though, it’s just drunk sex, it’s just because you were drinking. I don’t think some crazy one-time thing could ruin your whole friendship, not you guys. Have you tried to talk to hi-”
“It wasn’t a one-time thing,” Kevin says, soft and small, “we… did it again in Toronto.”
“So- okay, you guys had sex. Repeatedly,” Ryan says, doesn’t really understand this at all. They had sex- and then they had said again, it doesn’t sound like Lappy can’t stand to be around me, it sounds a hell of a lot more like Lappy craves my body. And that, well. That’s not the same thing at all. “And that - makes you think he can’t stand to be around you?” Since when does having sex more than once equate not wanting to be around him?
“No, what makes me think that is how he avoids me,” Kevin all-but snarls at him, “he didn’t want to eat with me and he didn’t want me to spend the night when I pretended to be locked out, and he hasn’t said ten fucking words to me since I got home!”
No. No no no no, holy fuck no. Alex - Alex did all those things. No, not his Alex, not them, please, but Alex got so quiet so many times and he pulls away and gets distant and please not this.
“But-” Ryan stammers, “just because - so he’s pulled away, it’s not - necessarily because of the sex-”
“I don’t even know what I was thinking,” Kevin’s saying, “-well, obviously I know what I was thinking, but I just - I can’t believe I let this happen! I’ve played this whole ‘we’re just friends’ thing so fucking well for so long, and I can’t believe I - I showed him the truth - I shouldn’t have!”
“But, okay, everything isn’t permanently ruined,” Ryan says, feels nothing but panic, but everything’s okay, it has to be okay, he needs to believe this - “I mean, you know? Right? So you crossed a line-”
“Crossed a line? Crossed a line?! I kissed him! I held his hand, I called him ‘baby,’ it’s not like I can - somehow backpedal, and be like, oh, that was all lust and didn’t mean anything and it’s out of my system and everything’s cool now. I didn’t ‘cross a line,’ Kes. I went so fucking far over the line that I circumnavigated the entire globe and I’m coming back up on the line again!”
“No,” Ryan says, nearly begging, because fuck, he did all those things too, all the same things. Is it - please just no - is it already too late for him? “it has to be okay, it’s just sex, maybe - he didn’t notice it wasn’t - just that, to you, maybe?” Fuck, he did all those things. He’s held Alex’s hand and kissed him and oh, he begged Alex to fuck him, twice, and he can’t plead innocence either way, because whether it’s the sex or the intimacy that would ruin them, he’s done both, he isn’t safe anywhere.
“He talks to me like he barely fucking knows me now! I’m serious.” Kevin’s saying. His phone pings, and he digs it out of his pocket, frowns deeply. “Like look at this shit, this is exactly what I’m talking about. He says ‘you’re with kesler, right? Can you please find out about an upsetting text he sent to alex?’ Can you believe that shit? All formal and shit. Like his dick wasn’t in my ass a week ago.”
What? Ryan can barely fucking breathe, doesn’t know what he did - he upset Alex, his poor Alex, Ryan doesn’t know what to do - oh, it’s really too late, the way he was yesterday, and upsetting Alex over text, he’s already lost Alex.
“If I’d known this was gonna happen, I wouldn’t have slept with him,” Kevin mumbles, “great as it was, sure as hell wasn’t worth losing Max.” Ryan wants to be able to promise Kevin it’s okay, but it’s not, and how can he do anything but fall apart over this, because Alex, Alex, Ryan upset him and that’s never okay. He pulls out his phone, but there’s nothing, no messages from Alex.
I’m sorry about my texts earlier, I didn’t mean to upset you, he sends, phone so tight in his hands it almost hurts. He just - fuck, how could he do that, upset Alex? Alex probably knows how in love with him Ryan is, could never think of him like that, hates him for making it harder and harder for Alex to feel comfortable around him even as a friend, Ryan’s ruined everything.
“So, okay, I’m really tired, you should probably go,” Ryan says to Kevin, who arches an eyebrow but gets up off the couch. “I hope everything works out with you and Lappy, that’d - you know, be good. I hope for, uh. That.”
“Yeah,” Kevin sighs out, lets Ryan walk him to the door. “See you tomorrow, and stuff.”
“Totally, see you.” He wanders out into the hallway, and Ryan closes the door behind him, yanks his phone from his pocket the second Kevin’s left. He just waits, staring down at his phone, can barely even breathe. He upset Alex, how could he upset Alex - and then, thank God, Alex texts him.
You did not be upsetting me, don’t worry, Alex’s text reads. Ryan’s almost reassured, almost, just wishes the grammar was good enough to be reassuring, that he actually completely believed it. The filming was so boring, Alex texts.
Sorry to hear that, all finished now? Ryan sends, and Alex texts back almost immediately. Yes!! What are you doing??
Nothing really. Juice just left, getting ready for bed.
Nooo already? I was wanting to see you after filming if you are not busy.
Well u must be hungry cos u always are and I have stuff for grilled cheese, how’s that sound?
PERFECT YES. 10 minutes.
Okay so - so Alex isn’t upset. He isn’t, but he was, and it’s because - because of what Ryan did, because he’s doing what Lappy’s done with Kevin, pulled away and withdrawn from unwelcome intimacy. Maybe it’s not too late, because Alex will still consent to see him, maybe Ryan can pull them back from the edge of disaster. He can go back to being friends, he can just stop all the intimacy, all the everything he needs and loves and he can’t do this - he has to, though. He has to, because he needs Alex and loves him and just can’t be without him, can’t lose him, just can’t let him pull away again, Ryan couldn’t handle that.
Ryan can do just friends. He used to do that - didn’t he? Fuck, he can’t remember how he used to act and what he used to think and what he used to say back when he wasn’t in love with Alex - was there ever a time he didn’t love Alex? He thinks there were maybe a few days when he wasn’t sure what to do with the new teammate who talked like he was sure Ryan wanted to listen, but most of his earliest memories of Alex involve wanting to hold his hand and kiss him soft and gentle, crawl into bed with him and kiss every inch of him. Ryan just can’t remember what it feels like, to be anything but so, so in love with Alex. But - he can do this. He has to do this. He couldn’t stand to lose Alex. He can’t lose Alex the way Kevin’s losing Maxim - Ryan couldn’t survive it, doesn’t know who he’d be without Alex, how it would feel to suddenly have everything torn away.
When Alex shows up, he’s smiling like Ryan never ruined anything, and oh, God, it’s so hard not to grab him and hug him, even though that would ruin everything all over again.
“I have no food at home,” Alex tells him cheerily as Ryan lets him in, “you are the most best.”
“It’s easy to always be prepared when you can only make like, three things,” Ryan says, and God, when Alex laughs, Ryan wants so badly to kiss him for the delighted little sound.
Alex sits at the table while Ryan cooks, talks about the filming and the interviewer who asked boring questions and the camera that broke and a thousand other things. He smiles brilliantly when Ryan sets the plate down in front of him, and fuck, it’s so hard for Ryan not to wrap his arms around Alex, kiss the back of his neck, and this afternoon, Alex was eating out of his hand, smiling at him so brightly. He can’t do that kind of thing now, though, has to avoid any more-than-friends things, but he’s so in love with Alex he let it change everything, and fixing that - it’s just so hard.
“You are the best cook of ever,” Alex tells him happily, and Ryan hates himself for wanting to just put his head down and cry because Alex doesn’t kiss him when he says this. Fuck, it’s been less than an hour and Ryan can ;barely handle this.
They watch a movie and Alex talks through it and Ryan just focuses on not pulling Alex to his side and hugging him. By the end of the movie, though, he’s tired and just not really thinking. “We should go to bed,” he says, but thank God, catches himself and adds, “see you in the morning.”
“Oh,” Alex says, “euh, yes. I will, tomorrow. Goodnight.”
Ryan forces himself to go to his bedroom, hates how it feels, going without Alex. He gets ready slowly and then crawls into bed, and it’s a while before he realises he’s waiting for Alex to get into bed, and Alex isn’t going to be coming. This is what being just friends is, though, it’s never having Alex in his bed and not being allowed to hold him, and he just - just hates this. Ryan just wants to hold Alex and kiss him and have Alex in his bed again, but that would lead to not having Alex at all, and Ryan just misses Alex so badly. He tries really hard not to cry, but it’s just too late, because Alex isn’t here, he’s down the hall, where he’s supposed to be, but Ryan just really wants to hold him, and he’s never going to again, can never kiss him again.
“Ryan?” he hears, and it’s Alex, standing in the doorway, looking in. Ryan wipes his eyes, sniffles.
“Yeah?”
“Euh,” Alex inches into the room a little, “are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. What do you need-” he only barely chokes back the babe at the last second. Ryan grips the sheets tight in his hands, grits his teeth, just can’t let himself do what he wants, can’t go grab Alex or tell him to get in bed, can’t have Alex, but Alex is looking in at him, sweet concern on his face, and Ryan misses him.
“You,” Alex says, and Ryan doesn’t think at all, just bolts out of bed and wraps his arms tight around Alex, only barely manages to keep Alex from bumping against the wall when they go stumbling back. Ryan kisses him hard, reeling from the little sounds Alex makes. “Is this what you meant?” Ryan manages, “is this what you need?” Alex is clinging to him, looks up at Ryan, nodding.
“Oui, oui, toi,” he says, as breathless as Ryan, and that’s what Ryan needed to hear, and fuck, Alex speaking French, he’s heard it a million times and it’ll never be nearly enough. Ryan tugs him away from the wall and to the bed, Alex stumbling and arching up to kiss him the entire way. He tugs Alex’s shirt off and nearly dies with Alex helps him with his, tosses their shirts aside as Ryan makes quick work of their shorts. He lays Alex down on the bed, and finally, Alex is back where he belongs, here with Ryan, those twenty minutes he wasn’t just terrifying, left Ryan scared and broken, but Alex is back, he’s here, pulling Ryan down to kiss him again and making little moaning sounds. Ryan lies down on top of him, kisses Alex frantically, and how did he survive without being allowed to do this, kissing Alex is amazing. He runs his hands over Alex’s body, knows all the spots that make Alex moan louder, grinding against him and kissing him, and it’s just all so good, he has his Alex back, Ryan needs him.
“Ouais, s’il te plait,” Alex is moaning out, “je t’ai besoin, sti, tellement-”
“English, please” Ryan pleads, pulls lightly on Alex’s hair, and that makes Alex groan needily. “I need to know, please.” He wants to know everything, everything, can’t bear to have anything to wonder about, needs to know so bad.
“Ryan, yes, need you,” Alex babbles out, hips jerking up as he rubs against Ryan, “please, yes, Ryan-”
“I need you to fuck me, Alex, please,” Ryan blurts out. He needs this, because Alex is moaning and clinging to him and he’s every dimension of perfect there is and all Ryan can do is need him, everything he is just pleading for its counter in Alex, all he can do is need Alex and just be so in love with him.
“I - oui, s’il te plait, yes, Ryan,” Alex is pleading as Ryan straddles him, tugs Ryan down to give him a searing kiss that leaves Ryan nearly panting. Ryan slicks his fingers up with spit and pre-cum, and Alex makes the most desperate noises as he watches Ryan open himself up, and fuck, the sounds Alex makes, Ryan still hasn’t heard nearly enough. Alex is whimpering as Ryan lines him up, and gasps when Ryan sinks down on his dick. Ryan groans, can barely breathe, because holy fuck, Alex is inside him, feels so fucking good, and - and Alex, fuck, that makes everything unbelievable.
“Ostie, Ryan, so- so good,” Alex moans, as Ryan rocks his hips, every little movement lighting him on fire, every sound from Alex making him hotter. Alex’s sounds get increasingly desperate, and fuck, Ryan loves the way it feels as Alex grabs at him, red streaks from where his nails scrape down Ryan’s legs, score his back. Ryan leans down to kiss him again, ends up panting against Alex’s neck because holy fuck that thing Alex did, Ryan rocks his hips fretfully, needs that again. He groans when Alex hits that perfect spot again, and it turns into a desperate gasp when Alex bites down on his shoulder, and fuck, Ryan never, never wants this to end, because it’s perfect, Alex is perfect - God, Ryan’s just wanted him for so long, never thought he’d get this, Alex moaning and thrusting into him, arching up to kiss Ryan like he needs it, babbling incoherent French.
“Je vais - going to, Ryan,” Alex gasps, grabs Ryan’s wrist tight as his dick jerks inside Ryan, Alex groaning suddenly. Fuck, it’s all-but mesmerizing, Alex’s desperate sounds and the way he arches and tenses, the way he grabs at Ryan and holds tight. “Ryan,” Alex gasps out, his breathing still jagged, “I’m - claisse, I’m sorry -” he pleads, scarlet spreading over his face, “-sorry, so sorry-” It takes a second for Ryan to even understand what he could be apologizing for, because holy fuck Alex just came inside him and it was amazing so fucking amazing, and that’s what Alex is apologizing for, impossibly, inexplicably.
“Don’t be sorry,” Ryan says, “I loved it.” This makes Alex smile, yank him down to kiss him until he’s moaning.
“Can I,” Alex asks breathlessly, and Ryan can’t even say yes anything whatever it is because then Alex has a hand on his dick and oh God Ryan can’t even think.
“Alex, Alex,” he babbles, but Alex is so good and he barely lasts a minute before he’s spilling over Alex’s hand, everything so perfectly good. It feels even better to collapse on Alex, slide onto the bed next to him and draw him close. “Fuck, Alex,” he breathes. Alex is looking at him, and Ryan’s so lucky, wants to be the only one that knows this, Alex’s soft lips and shallow breathing and the way he looks at Ryan, focused on just him. Ryan strokes Alex’s cheek, kisses him gently, Alex making soft little sighs.
“So good, babe,” Ryan murmurs against Alex’s lips, almost tells him I love you, you’re perfect, except - except Alex is looking away and fidgeting, and this isn’t Ryan’s, Alex is doing this for the same reason he kissed Ryan, same reason he’s done everything - because he’s really, completely too good for Ryan, helping Ryan have someone who could never really want him. He’s never going to tell Ryan I love you, never say he wants Ryan forever, but Ryan just couldn’t bear it, if Alex left him right now.
“You’re staying, right?” he asks quietly, and Alex nods. Ryan smiles, nuzzles against Alex’s neck, “Don’t forget I have that text.” You promised not to leave me for anything, please don’t leave me. But - maybe Alex won’t leave him for anything. Maybe he’ll just leave, and Ryan can’t lose Alex, but everything is different now, because he made it different, he’s just making it further and further from how Alex surely wants them to be, but Ryan just can’t stop, because - because he wants Alex so much, wants as much as he can get in case he can’t have anything at all tomorrow. Maybe he’s not supposed to do this, but Alex isn’t pushing him away, maybe this won’t lose him Alex, but he has no proof of that, but- but they can’t be like Kevin and Maxim, because it just feels too right when he’s touching Alex, and Alex just fits so perfectly against him, how can he have this, how is it not his?
“Just please stay,” Ryan breathes. Alex presses a kiss to Ryan’s jaw, strokes his hand down Ryan’s side. God, Ryan should never have risked him, but it’s all Ryan ever does, wants Alex so badly, misses holding him and having him close that it makes him do the worst things he could, this impossible loop, risking Alex because the unlikely reward is having him. Ryan needs to stop, doesn’t know how; every time he lets go of Alex, Ryan misses him immediately. Maybe he never should have found out how strongly he feels that Alex belongs in his arms.
“I’m not going,” Alex promises. He tangles their legs together and curls in close. Ryan doesn’t know how Alex can sleep like this, pressed so close to Ryan. Maybe he’s used to it, because this is how he lives, too, smothered by Ryan and kept so close to him. Ryan strokes his hair and kisses the top of his head, and he wants to beg please never leave me, but he can’t ask for that when he already has so much more than is really his. He’s surely going to wake up tomorrow and have nothing, Alex lost and Ryan even had warning, but he can’t stay away, because Ryan needs Alex as badly as he can’t stand to lose him.