Fic: Never To Break You (31)
Sorry this has taken forever- thanks for being so patient! SECOND TO LAST CHAPTER!!!! AHHH!
Practice a few days later goes as normally as it ever does; after it’s over, Cory and Loo have a competition to see whose glove save is better when they’re facing the net, and Kevin stays to be their shooter. Cory ends up winning, because he has a freakish range of motion in his elbows and can reach backwards better.
“Sometimes I think it’s some big secret goalie conspiracy, and you all just try to make us think you’re weird,” Kevin says as he follows them off the ice, “which, objectively, would make you really weird anyways.”
“I’d explain it to you, but only a goalie would get it,” Cory says, grins over his shoulder.
“Yeah, guess I think too linearly, don’t I?”
“If you can’t think in an inverted, circular, 4D line, you won’t get it.”
When Kevin walks into the dressing room, he spots AV talking to Maxim, and he’s smiling, so it must be good. Maxim’s already dressed and ready to leave, just waiting for Kevin so they can go home.
“Yeah,” AV’s saying as Kevin walks behind them, “I didn’t think he’d find you, but once Kevin puts his mind to something,” he shakes his head, laughs, “shoulda known the second he took interest - how many seasons ago was it? Three?”
“What?” Maxim says faintly, and Kevin can’t see his face, but he can hear it, the disbelief and confusion in Maxim’s voice. “He - went looking for me?”
The whole world stops.
AV says something about how Kevin saw him play in the AHL, but Kevin can’t hear it, fear and anxiety pulsing through him, because fuck, he’d forgotten about that - he’d forgotten, because it started out as a project to find a missing AHL player and turned into him falling in love with Maxim, saving him because Kevin had to, loved him that much and more. But when it comes down to it, it’s built on depriving Maxim of one very important fact. Kevin knew who Maxim was all along - and now, Maxim knows that.
A moment later, AV leaves and when Kevin looks up, Maxim’s just standing there, staring at the ground, so much shock on his face. He’s just wide-eyed, looks so shaken. Maxim bites his lip, and then he comes over to where Kevin’s sitting.
“You knew?” Maxim asks weakly, “this - this entire time, you knew who I was?”
“Maxim, I-”
“You knew,” Maxim chokes out, “you - you acted like I was just some random guy, like everything I told you, you didn’t already know - you already knew everything.” Tears are welled in his eyes, and Kevin aches to hold him, to somehow fix all this - but he can’t. “You knew that I played and that I quit, and you still - don’t you know how hard it was, to be able to tell you that? But you knew!”
“Maxim-” he tries again, can’t; Maxim was never supposed to find out, it was the loose end Kevin just couldn’t figure out how to fix.
“What else don’t I know?” Maxim demands, but it’s more hurt than angry, and that just tears at Kevin, unforgiving, relentless, “If- if he knows you went looking for me, does everyone know where - where I was? Do - do they?” he asks, waving his hand towards where Ryan is trying to snag Alex’s shoe with his stick, oblivious to what Maxim is saying.
“Well,” Kevin’s gaze drops to the floor, “when you - when you disappeared again, and I thought I’d lost you for good - I told them, because they were worried about me and wanted to know what was going on. But they’re the only-”
“You told them,” Maxim’s voice is barely over a whisper, “you told me they didn’t.”
“I told you they didn’t know how we met-”
“Fucking close enough!” Maxim hisses, but oh, the look on his face, it’s the blatant pain of betrayal, and something in Kevin twists painfully, crying in shame. He never wanted Maxim to feel this again, and now, now it’s his fault. “People know,” Maxim nearly whispers, and the humiliation is clear on his face, and Kevin can barely breathe because that’s his fault. “And this entire time - you knew everything. You let me - tell everything to you, like you didn’t know, it was so hard to - to convince myself it’d be okay if you knew, but you already did.”
“I’m sorry,” Kevin says quietly, but he knows it’s too late.
“I-” Maxim’s voice hitches and he stops, pauses for a long time. The hurt on his face - Kevin never thought he’d see it again, and this time - this time it’s his fault. “I promised you I’d never disappear again,” he says slowly. Kevin’s heart sinks, the words bringing a stab of pain. “And - and I’m not, but I just - I need - ” he shakes his head, can’t meet Kevin’s gaze, “I can’t take this,” he whispers, eyes begging Kevin to understand.
“I’m sorry,” Kevin says, again, can never say it enough, “Maxim-” he wants to beg Maxim to stay, to forgive him, things Kevin wants so desperately but can’t have. “Can I- explain? Please? I- I won’t stop you from leaving, if that’s what you - what you want - but can I just - at least explain?” Maxim rubs at his eyes with his hand, nods silently. “I’ll just throw my gear off and - I’ll meet you in the - equipment storage room?” he says, the only place he can think of where no one will go. Maxim nods mutely, walks off with his shoulders slumped.
Kevin takes a minute to just sit there for a moment, breathe slowly, try to slow the barrage of thoughts screaming don’t leave oh please don’t leave again I did what I had to do you can’t be mad what else could I do just oh please don’t leave.
“Kevin?” Ryan stops by his stall, taps his stick against Kevin’s shin, “you guys, uh…?”
“I dunno,” Kevin says quietly. He takes his gear off quickly, throws on a pair of shorts and shirt, and heads into the equipment room, heart beating way too fast. Maxim’s leaning back against one of the shelves, arms crossed tight over his chest, head down. “Maxim,” Kevin says softly, “I’m sorry.”
Maxim looks at him, all kinds of hurt on his face, and it’s hard for Kevin to think of anything to say at all.
“I know I shouldn’t have kept that from you but - but I also couldn’t tell you. I just - I stopped thinking of you as that player I wanted to find, and just - I fell in love with you, and it became a lot more than just a project.” Kevin draws in a slow breath. “And it was obvious you didn’t want me to know, so telling you would’ve upset you, and made you leave, like - like you’re doing now,” his voice falters a little, but he goes on, still staring resolutely at the ground, because he can’t look at Maxim, can’t know that he hurt Maxim, that it was the only thing he could do, and it’s so unfair, this meeting of two things that shouldn’t touch. “This is what I didn’t want to happen.”
Maxim’s quiet, the only sound in the room the way his breathing snags, erratic.
“You can’t really think I’d hurt you on purpose,” Kevin says quietly, desperation taut in the words. None of this is fair, because Maxim’s mad and Kevin doesn’t think he did anything wrong - he did the only thing he could, and at the end of it, Maxim has to be better off for it. And now, Maxim’s going to leave him, and he promised he never would again, but he’s leaving, like he’s saying you did this to yourself, because Kevin’s known all along, knowledge he would have forgotten if he could have, just because he’d known Maxim wanted it to be a secret.
Maxim’s put him through a lot, too, and sometimes, Kevin feels like nothing he does is good enough. Maybe this is how it was always going to be, because Kevin tried to tackle something bigger than him, something he couldn’t handle. He tried to promise never to hurt Maxim, but it didn’t ensure that he’d never be hurt, and Kevin can’t handle saving both of them. He could have either promised never to break Maxim, or tried to protect himself, and Kevin chose Maxim.
“Je sais pas,” Maxim mumbles, holds out a hand like he wants to touch Kevin, has forgotten how. Kevin pulls Maxim into his arms, something inside him breaking when he feels how Maxim is nearly trembling.
“I wish this was what you wanted,” Kevin murmurs against his hair, holds him so tight, and he’s never wanted to keep him here more, “that you’d want me to fix it. And not leave.”
“Kev,” Maxim buries his face against Kevin’s neck, draws in a shaky breath.
“You promised you wouldn’t leave me anymore,” Kevin whispers brokenly, and he doesn’t mean to say it, he doesn’t, but in a few seconds, he’s going to have to let Maxim go, Maxim’s going to walk away again, and Kevin can’t take that, he can’t take being left again. Every time Maxim leaves, it’s because he did something wrong, and Kevin never means to, but nothing he does is ever right.
Kevin kissed Maxim, and Maxim left. Kevin told Maxim he loves him, and Maxim left. Kevin kept the entire truth from Maxim to protect him, and now Maxim’s leaving. Everything Kevin does has been for Maxim, and it always ends like this, because all Kevin ever asks for is to be allowed to love Maxim, and somehow, even though loving Maxim is so deeply instinctual, Kevin does it wrong.
“I can’t-” Maxim starts, sounds so hurt, and Kevin can barely stand it, fights tears, because how can he have done something wrong again? “I can’ t leave, I can’t,” the words tumble quickly, shattering around them, “I just - I need - time, okay? But not- not at the expense of you.”
Kevin just nods, can’t say anything, can be strong as long as it’s only for appearance’s sake. He follows Maxim out of the equipment room, and Maxim goes back to his locker, Kevin to his.
“Don’t you dare tell me it’s nothing,” Ryan says, coming over to his locker. Kevin just shakes his head, pulls open his locker door. Across the room, he can see Alex talking to Maxim. And Maxim won’t look him in the eye, head hung, just shakes his head no. Kevin can just feel it, Maxim’s burning humiliation, and Kevin tears his gaze away before the sight can break him any further. “You’re a really bad liar,” Ryan comments. Kevin just focuses on getting dressed, tries uselessly not to think. Ryan just stands there, though, stubborn. Out of the corner of his vision, Kevin sees Maxim leave the room, Alex trailing after him. Ryan stays, just watching him.
“He found out,” Kevin says tonelessly, when he’s tired of being stared at, “and he’s upset, but what the fuck else could I have done?” He doesn’t mean to be angry, but none of this is fair, because all Kevin does is try and fix things, and all he does is break everything. “I had no other fucking option!” He tries to slam the door of his locker, but its hinges are too new to let it swing enough to do more than click closed. “What was I supposed to do? If I told him, he’d have fucking disappeared, and what fucking good would that have done? I just can’t ever win!”
“So leave him,” Ryan says, and Kevin just stares. Leave Maxim? Leave Maxim, and the way he makes Kevin feel whole, his secret smiles and gentle touches and the looks that say you saved me and the way he loves Kevin, absolutely and wholeheartedly, the way Kevin loves him. “You deserve someone that appreciates you,” Ryan says, “because someone that respects you would want you to work through problems together. Not just fucking leave you every time something goes wrong. You can always leave him.”
“No,” Kevin finally manages. “I- I don’t want to.”
“Why the fuck not?” Ryan demands, and Kevin just shakes his head. Leaving Maxim wouldn’t be a victory; it would be the ultimate defeat, the last notes of a symphony that has left the sheet music to beat down a path of its own, end only in empty silence.
The locker room is quiet for a few minutes, the sounds from the hallways and lounge bleeding in. Then, Kevin hears footsteps.
“Kevin?” He turns to see Maxim, a few feet away, looking at the ground and biting his lip. Kevin can practically feel Ryan’s anger radiating from his other side, but all Kevin can focus on is Maxim, the slope of his shoulders, the hurt on his face. “What do you… want me to do?”
It takes Kevin a moment to register the question, because he’s never really faced a freshly hurt Maxim before; this is something painfully new. Maxim hasn’t disappeared, he’s here, still here, not going anywhere.
“Tell me what I should have done,” Kevin says, the only thing he knows how to say right now. And Maxim - he shakes his head, turns helpless eyes to Kevin.
“I don’t know,” he says faintly, “that’s the problem.”
“Well,” Kevin clenches his jaw, “let me know when you figure it out.”
He stalks out of the room, and this time, the door slams the way he wants it to, with a loud, resounding bang.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The last thing Kevin wants to do is go home. He’s having a hard time thinking about anything, let alone somewhere else he could go, though, so he ends up at Ryan’s. They’re not back yet, but Kevin has a key, and they’ve certainly appeared at his apartment unannounced enough times. Ryan’s kitchen is disappointingly empty, particularly in its lack of beer, but Kevin goes to the living room to wait for him. It’s not long before his phone buzzes with a text, and it’s from Ryan.
Where are you.
At your place, Kevin sends back, you’re out of beer. Even your shitty American kind
We keep it at alex’s, get over here. Ill even give u canadian
Kevin sighs, but he leaves, heads over to Ryan’s apartment a street over, and for once, it’s not hard to keep himself from thinking as he drives over. For once, he’s just not thinking anything, because he has nothing left to say. Everything’s reduced to please don’t leave and what else was I supposed to do, because this as much his fault as it isn’t, and more than anything, there’s just nothing he can do.
When he gets there, Ryan opens the door for him, and the apartment is quiet.
“Hey,” Ryan lets him in, and doesn’t say anything else. Kevin follows him into the living room, snags a beer off the coffee table and sits at the other end of the couch.
“Where’s Alex?” Kevin ventures, watching Ryan flip through TV channels at a speed he must have picked up from Alex.
“I dropped him off with Max at your place,” Ryan’s gaze flickers to him for just an instant. “He’s over there still.”
“Oh,” Kevin falls silent again, fidgets with the tab on the can. Alex never seems to like buying bottles. Kevin tries not to think about him, about him being with Maxim, about how Maxim will let Alex comfort him, just runs from Kevin.
Ryan’s phone rings, and Kevin really shouldn’t be surprised he has a distinct ringtone for Alex’s texts.
“Alex says Max is asking if you’re with me,” Ryan says softly. Kevin looks down. Part of him wants Maxim to fucking worry, worry the way Kevin did, the way Kevin did when Maxim was gone in the summer, when he disappeared during the season, even the way Kevin worried when Maxim was just a talented player he knew by name alone who disappeared without a trace. Kevin’s been worried about Maxim since before they met, like it was built into his genes, to care about Maxim like no one else. He wants Maxim to worry, but maybe that isn’t something everyone feels for another person. At the same time as Kevin wants Maxim to feel that heart-wrenching pain, he doesn’t, because Kevin loves him, wants to protect him from everything, could never inflict what he suffered through on Maxim, knowing full well how awful it feels.
“Well, obviously I am,” Kevin says instead. Ryan texts something to Alex, much longer than just what Kevin said.
Ryan doesn’t talk to him much for the rest of the afternoon, the kind of thing Kevin would thank him for if he knew how. It’s quiet until Alex gets home, and Kevin hears his voice before the door’s even closed.
“Ryan?” Alex calls out, “C’était-” He comes into the living room. “Hey, Kevin,” he says, offers a smile. As he comes around the couch, Ryan’s gaze follows him, something like relief on his face, like being apart is a physical ache. Alex crawls into Ryan’s lap, gives him a long look that Kevin supposes must make sense to Ryan alone. Ryan wraps his arms around Alex, kisses his ear. He rests his cheek against Alex’s hair, closes his eyes, less tense than he’s been all day.
“How is he?” Kevin asks. Alex hesitates, so Kevin goes on, “what’s he - gonna do?”
He struggles not to imagine the worst, but he can all-too easily see coming home to an empty apartment, Maxim gone again. It’s not hard to imagine, because it will feel like waking up alone, like finding Maxim gone in the morning. But this - this might be worse, and Kevin doesn’t want to find out when he gets there.
“Euh,” Alex says, looks more lost than anything else. Kevin breathes slowly, tries not to imagine the silence, the emptiness, a cold bed. Ryan slips a hand under Alex’s shirt, thumb circling slowly, gentle little strokes like he doesn’t even realise he’s doing it.
“Does he - hate me?” Kevin asks instead, and he wants the answer to this even less, couldn’t be more afraid of an answer.
“We didn’t really talk about you,” Alex says, the only thing that could come close to yes as a painful answer. Kevin wants to ask about what they did talk about, but can’t find the words.
Did Maxim tell Alex why everything is this way? Would Maxim open up to Alex so easily? It makes something in Kevin break, start to shatter, to think of these sacred things of theirs being given to anyone else, no longer meaningful, no longer trusted to Kevin alone.
“He said - how he feels embarrassed, that we know he was a hooker,” Alex says.
“And?” Kevin prompts, but Alex shakes his head.
“Nothing else.”
“You were there for hours,” Kevin says, “and that’s all he said?”
Alex nods, runs his hand down Ryan’s arm where it’s wrapped around him.
“He was very quiet,” Alex says softly. Kevin wants to ask what kind of quiet, if it’s the kind where Maxim’s keeping something to himself, the kind where he’s hiding a reaction to something, the kind where he’s thinking something over, the kind where he’s trying to find the courage to say something. Alex wouldn’t know, though; no one but Kevin would be able to tell the difference. “He asked why you aren’t going home, also. Why?”
“Because,” Kevin stares down at his hands, “he doesn’t want to be around me. He wants to think.” He doesn’t mean for the words to come out so bitingly, but it’s a harsh snap. “He needs time,” Kevin says flatly.
“Oh,” Alex says softly.
The evening goes by slowly, until Ryan tells him he’s welcome to the guest room, and Ryan and Alex disappear down the hallway. Kevin eventually wanders down to the guest room, where he gets into bed only to stare at the ceiling.
He doesn’t want to sleep without Maxim. He’s had enough of that, Maxim’s left too many times, and Kevin doesn’t get used to it, it just gets worse. Every time hurts with the weight of all the previous times on top of it, a pain that only gets worse every time. Maxim’s supposed to be here, Kevin’s come to count on that, he thought he could. He thought he finally had everything he wanted, but every time it gets good, everything disappears, every promise only temporary.
At eleven forty-five, his phone buzzes. Kevin snatches it off the nightstand, opens the text.
Will you please come home?
Kevin stares at the screen for a few seconds, can only think he wants me back, and then he runs to leave.
His apartment is silent and dark when he opens the door, and for a horrible moment, things are exactly the way they used to be. Kevin walks into the apartment, and Maxim’s waiting for him in the entry way.
“Hey,” Maxim says, voice low and hoarse. He draws in a slow breath, meets Kevin’s eyes uneasily. “I don’t know what else you could have done.” The words are quiet, rough with honesty, “there’s nothing that would have been right, but- but what you did-” Kevin holds his breath, expects something terrible, the last blow before he finally, finally breaks. “I - I understand why you did it,” Maxim says quietly, “what you did, your reasons - made it right. You were just - you weren’t keeping it from me, you were keeping - keeping me safe.”
Kevin’s suddenly so exhausted, swept away by relief, every emotion fraying into something unstable, desperate with the need for this all to be over, to go back to the way things are supposed to be.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you,” he says, and that’s all he can manage before he pulls Maxim into his arms, hides hot tears against his neck. “And there won’t be any more secrets, never again. Let’s just - go to bed, okay? I’m so fucking tired.”
It’s so much better, falling into bed this time. Maxim tugs Kevin in against his chest, wraps his arms around Kevin tightly. Maxim’s still here, everything hasn’t fallen apart, even if everything isn’t quite the way it should be yet. There’s still the lurking helplessness, because Maxim still didn’t come to him to let him fix things. Kevin really thought Maxim trusted him enough to come to him when he was scared, allow Kevin to protect him, but Maxim’s first instinct is still to run away, he has to fight it to be here. He almost disappeared, came so close to it, and Kevin couldn’t have handled that. I told you no more disappearing, he wants to insist, hold Maxim and never let him go, I can’t even take this, you’re mine, mine, but Kevin couldn’t even manage that now. Any words he wants to say would just dissolve into you said I was your other half, that’s all I ever wanted, and he wants to beg don’t you want me, because sometimes, Kevin’s best doesn’t get him anywhere but here, saved from breaking only at the last moment, just like always.
Maxim’s here, though. Kevin has to focus on that, because that’s all he has left. Maxim asked him to come home, needed him here, and that’s all Kevin’s ever wanted, to give Maxim what he needs. He’s what Maxim needs, and this may be the only thing Kevin can depend on, but it’s enough.
“Kev?” Maxim says softly. He strokes his fingertips down Kevin’s arm, so light. “Um. Thank you for coming back,” he says, the words so heavy with relief. “Nothing can get fixed without you.”
“I was waiting for you to realise that,” Kevin says, hugs him tight. Maybe it’s taken such a long time for Maxim to know this, maybe he still doesn’t really understand just how much he can depend on Kevin to protect him, but he asked Kevin to come home.
This is more than Kevin ever thought he would have, because this could have ruined everything, could have lost him Maxim, lost him everything. Having Maxim has been surviving losses and disappearances, clinging tight to things he thought he’d lose, but maybe they’ll make it. This could have ruined them, Kevin could have come home to emptiness, nothing has disappeared tonight, and despite everything, Kevin can still fall asleep and know Maxim will be here in the morning.
They’ll still feel shaken and unsteady, but nothing will have disappeared. They will both still be here in the morning.
Next chapter
Practice a few days later goes as normally as it ever does; after it’s over, Cory and Loo have a competition to see whose glove save is better when they’re facing the net, and Kevin stays to be their shooter. Cory ends up winning, because he has a freakish range of motion in his elbows and can reach backwards better.
“Sometimes I think it’s some big secret goalie conspiracy, and you all just try to make us think you’re weird,” Kevin says as he follows them off the ice, “which, objectively, would make you really weird anyways.”
“I’d explain it to you, but only a goalie would get it,” Cory says, grins over his shoulder.
“Yeah, guess I think too linearly, don’t I?”
“If you can’t think in an inverted, circular, 4D line, you won’t get it.”
When Kevin walks into the dressing room, he spots AV talking to Maxim, and he’s smiling, so it must be good. Maxim’s already dressed and ready to leave, just waiting for Kevin so they can go home.
“Yeah,” AV’s saying as Kevin walks behind them, “I didn’t think he’d find you, but once Kevin puts his mind to something,” he shakes his head, laughs, “shoulda known the second he took interest - how many seasons ago was it? Three?”
“What?” Maxim says faintly, and Kevin can’t see his face, but he can hear it, the disbelief and confusion in Maxim’s voice. “He - went looking for me?”
The whole world stops.
AV says something about how Kevin saw him play in the AHL, but Kevin can’t hear it, fear and anxiety pulsing through him, because fuck, he’d forgotten about that - he’d forgotten, because it started out as a project to find a missing AHL player and turned into him falling in love with Maxim, saving him because Kevin had to, loved him that much and more. But when it comes down to it, it’s built on depriving Maxim of one very important fact. Kevin knew who Maxim was all along - and now, Maxim knows that.
A moment later, AV leaves and when Kevin looks up, Maxim’s just standing there, staring at the ground, so much shock on his face. He’s just wide-eyed, looks so shaken. Maxim bites his lip, and then he comes over to where Kevin’s sitting.
“You knew?” Maxim asks weakly, “this - this entire time, you knew who I was?”
“Maxim, I-”
“You knew,” Maxim chokes out, “you - you acted like I was just some random guy, like everything I told you, you didn’t already know - you already knew everything.” Tears are welled in his eyes, and Kevin aches to hold him, to somehow fix all this - but he can’t. “You knew that I played and that I quit, and you still - don’t you know how hard it was, to be able to tell you that? But you knew!”
“Maxim-” he tries again, can’t; Maxim was never supposed to find out, it was the loose end Kevin just couldn’t figure out how to fix.
“What else don’t I know?” Maxim demands, but it’s more hurt than angry, and that just tears at Kevin, unforgiving, relentless, “If- if he knows you went looking for me, does everyone know where - where I was? Do - do they?” he asks, waving his hand towards where Ryan is trying to snag Alex’s shoe with his stick, oblivious to what Maxim is saying.
“Well,” Kevin’s gaze drops to the floor, “when you - when you disappeared again, and I thought I’d lost you for good - I told them, because they were worried about me and wanted to know what was going on. But they’re the only-”
“You told them,” Maxim’s voice is barely over a whisper, “you told me they didn’t.”
“I told you they didn’t know how we met-”
“Fucking close enough!” Maxim hisses, but oh, the look on his face, it’s the blatant pain of betrayal, and something in Kevin twists painfully, crying in shame. He never wanted Maxim to feel this again, and now, now it’s his fault. “People know,” Maxim nearly whispers, and the humiliation is clear on his face, and Kevin can barely breathe because that’s his fault. “And this entire time - you knew everything. You let me - tell everything to you, like you didn’t know, it was so hard to - to convince myself it’d be okay if you knew, but you already did.”
“I’m sorry,” Kevin says quietly, but he knows it’s too late.
“I-” Maxim’s voice hitches and he stops, pauses for a long time. The hurt on his face - Kevin never thought he’d see it again, and this time - this time it’s his fault. “I promised you I’d never disappear again,” he says slowly. Kevin’s heart sinks, the words bringing a stab of pain. “And - and I’m not, but I just - I need - ” he shakes his head, can’t meet Kevin’s gaze, “I can’t take this,” he whispers, eyes begging Kevin to understand.
“I’m sorry,” Kevin says, again, can never say it enough, “Maxim-” he wants to beg Maxim to stay, to forgive him, things Kevin wants so desperately but can’t have. “Can I- explain? Please? I- I won’t stop you from leaving, if that’s what you - what you want - but can I just - at least explain?” Maxim rubs at his eyes with his hand, nods silently. “I’ll just throw my gear off and - I’ll meet you in the - equipment storage room?” he says, the only place he can think of where no one will go. Maxim nods mutely, walks off with his shoulders slumped.
Kevin takes a minute to just sit there for a moment, breathe slowly, try to slow the barrage of thoughts screaming don’t leave oh please don’t leave again I did what I had to do you can’t be mad what else could I do just oh please don’t leave.
“Kevin?” Ryan stops by his stall, taps his stick against Kevin’s shin, “you guys, uh…?”
“I dunno,” Kevin says quietly. He takes his gear off quickly, throws on a pair of shorts and shirt, and heads into the equipment room, heart beating way too fast. Maxim’s leaning back against one of the shelves, arms crossed tight over his chest, head down. “Maxim,” Kevin says softly, “I’m sorry.”
Maxim looks at him, all kinds of hurt on his face, and it’s hard for Kevin to think of anything to say at all.
“I know I shouldn’t have kept that from you but - but I also couldn’t tell you. I just - I stopped thinking of you as that player I wanted to find, and just - I fell in love with you, and it became a lot more than just a project.” Kevin draws in a slow breath. “And it was obvious you didn’t want me to know, so telling you would’ve upset you, and made you leave, like - like you’re doing now,” his voice falters a little, but he goes on, still staring resolutely at the ground, because he can’t look at Maxim, can’t know that he hurt Maxim, that it was the only thing he could do, and it’s so unfair, this meeting of two things that shouldn’t touch. “This is what I didn’t want to happen.”
Maxim’s quiet, the only sound in the room the way his breathing snags, erratic.
“You can’t really think I’d hurt you on purpose,” Kevin says quietly, desperation taut in the words. None of this is fair, because Maxim’s mad and Kevin doesn’t think he did anything wrong - he did the only thing he could, and at the end of it, Maxim has to be better off for it. And now, Maxim’s going to leave him, and he promised he never would again, but he’s leaving, like he’s saying you did this to yourself, because Kevin’s known all along, knowledge he would have forgotten if he could have, just because he’d known Maxim wanted it to be a secret.
Maxim’s put him through a lot, too, and sometimes, Kevin feels like nothing he does is good enough. Maybe this is how it was always going to be, because Kevin tried to tackle something bigger than him, something he couldn’t handle. He tried to promise never to hurt Maxim, but it didn’t ensure that he’d never be hurt, and Kevin can’t handle saving both of them. He could have either promised never to break Maxim, or tried to protect himself, and Kevin chose Maxim.
“Je sais pas,” Maxim mumbles, holds out a hand like he wants to touch Kevin, has forgotten how. Kevin pulls Maxim into his arms, something inside him breaking when he feels how Maxim is nearly trembling.
“I wish this was what you wanted,” Kevin murmurs against his hair, holds him so tight, and he’s never wanted to keep him here more, “that you’d want me to fix it. And not leave.”
“Kev,” Maxim buries his face against Kevin’s neck, draws in a shaky breath.
“You promised you wouldn’t leave me anymore,” Kevin whispers brokenly, and he doesn’t mean to say it, he doesn’t, but in a few seconds, he’s going to have to let Maxim go, Maxim’s going to walk away again, and Kevin can’t take that, he can’t take being left again. Every time Maxim leaves, it’s because he did something wrong, and Kevin never means to, but nothing he does is ever right.
Kevin kissed Maxim, and Maxim left. Kevin told Maxim he loves him, and Maxim left. Kevin kept the entire truth from Maxim to protect him, and now Maxim’s leaving. Everything Kevin does has been for Maxim, and it always ends like this, because all Kevin ever asks for is to be allowed to love Maxim, and somehow, even though loving Maxim is so deeply instinctual, Kevin does it wrong.
“I can’t-” Maxim starts, sounds so hurt, and Kevin can barely stand it, fights tears, because how can he have done something wrong again? “I can’ t leave, I can’t,” the words tumble quickly, shattering around them, “I just - I need - time, okay? But not- not at the expense of you.”
Kevin just nods, can’t say anything, can be strong as long as it’s only for appearance’s sake. He follows Maxim out of the equipment room, and Maxim goes back to his locker, Kevin to his.
“Don’t you dare tell me it’s nothing,” Ryan says, coming over to his locker. Kevin just shakes his head, pulls open his locker door. Across the room, he can see Alex talking to Maxim. And Maxim won’t look him in the eye, head hung, just shakes his head no. Kevin can just feel it, Maxim’s burning humiliation, and Kevin tears his gaze away before the sight can break him any further. “You’re a really bad liar,” Ryan comments. Kevin just focuses on getting dressed, tries uselessly not to think. Ryan just stands there, though, stubborn. Out of the corner of his vision, Kevin sees Maxim leave the room, Alex trailing after him. Ryan stays, just watching him.
“He found out,” Kevin says tonelessly, when he’s tired of being stared at, “and he’s upset, but what the fuck else could I have done?” He doesn’t mean to be angry, but none of this is fair, because all Kevin does is try and fix things, and all he does is break everything. “I had no other fucking option!” He tries to slam the door of his locker, but its hinges are too new to let it swing enough to do more than click closed. “What was I supposed to do? If I told him, he’d have fucking disappeared, and what fucking good would that have done? I just can’t ever win!”
“So leave him,” Ryan says, and Kevin just stares. Leave Maxim? Leave Maxim, and the way he makes Kevin feel whole, his secret smiles and gentle touches and the looks that say you saved me and the way he loves Kevin, absolutely and wholeheartedly, the way Kevin loves him. “You deserve someone that appreciates you,” Ryan says, “because someone that respects you would want you to work through problems together. Not just fucking leave you every time something goes wrong. You can always leave him.”
“No,” Kevin finally manages. “I- I don’t want to.”
“Why the fuck not?” Ryan demands, and Kevin just shakes his head. Leaving Maxim wouldn’t be a victory; it would be the ultimate defeat, the last notes of a symphony that has left the sheet music to beat down a path of its own, end only in empty silence.
The locker room is quiet for a few minutes, the sounds from the hallways and lounge bleeding in. Then, Kevin hears footsteps.
“Kevin?” He turns to see Maxim, a few feet away, looking at the ground and biting his lip. Kevin can practically feel Ryan’s anger radiating from his other side, but all Kevin can focus on is Maxim, the slope of his shoulders, the hurt on his face. “What do you… want me to do?”
It takes Kevin a moment to register the question, because he’s never really faced a freshly hurt Maxim before; this is something painfully new. Maxim hasn’t disappeared, he’s here, still here, not going anywhere.
“Tell me what I should have done,” Kevin says, the only thing he knows how to say right now. And Maxim - he shakes his head, turns helpless eyes to Kevin.
“I don’t know,” he says faintly, “that’s the problem.”
“Well,” Kevin clenches his jaw, “let me know when you figure it out.”
He stalks out of the room, and this time, the door slams the way he wants it to, with a loud, resounding bang.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The last thing Kevin wants to do is go home. He’s having a hard time thinking about anything, let alone somewhere else he could go, though, so he ends up at Ryan’s. They’re not back yet, but Kevin has a key, and they’ve certainly appeared at his apartment unannounced enough times. Ryan’s kitchen is disappointingly empty, particularly in its lack of beer, but Kevin goes to the living room to wait for him. It’s not long before his phone buzzes with a text, and it’s from Ryan.
Where are you.
At your place, Kevin sends back, you’re out of beer. Even your shitty American kind
We keep it at alex’s, get over here. Ill even give u canadian
Kevin sighs, but he leaves, heads over to Ryan’s apartment a street over, and for once, it’s not hard to keep himself from thinking as he drives over. For once, he’s just not thinking anything, because he has nothing left to say. Everything’s reduced to please don’t leave and what else was I supposed to do, because this as much his fault as it isn’t, and more than anything, there’s just nothing he can do.
When he gets there, Ryan opens the door for him, and the apartment is quiet.
“Hey,” Ryan lets him in, and doesn’t say anything else. Kevin follows him into the living room, snags a beer off the coffee table and sits at the other end of the couch.
“Where’s Alex?” Kevin ventures, watching Ryan flip through TV channels at a speed he must have picked up from Alex.
“I dropped him off with Max at your place,” Ryan’s gaze flickers to him for just an instant. “He’s over there still.”
“Oh,” Kevin falls silent again, fidgets with the tab on the can. Alex never seems to like buying bottles. Kevin tries not to think about him, about him being with Maxim, about how Maxim will let Alex comfort him, just runs from Kevin.
Ryan’s phone rings, and Kevin really shouldn’t be surprised he has a distinct ringtone for Alex’s texts.
“Alex says Max is asking if you’re with me,” Ryan says softly. Kevin looks down. Part of him wants Maxim to fucking worry, worry the way Kevin did, the way Kevin did when Maxim was gone in the summer, when he disappeared during the season, even the way Kevin worried when Maxim was just a talented player he knew by name alone who disappeared without a trace. Kevin’s been worried about Maxim since before they met, like it was built into his genes, to care about Maxim like no one else. He wants Maxim to worry, but maybe that isn’t something everyone feels for another person. At the same time as Kevin wants Maxim to feel that heart-wrenching pain, he doesn’t, because Kevin loves him, wants to protect him from everything, could never inflict what he suffered through on Maxim, knowing full well how awful it feels.
“Well, obviously I am,” Kevin says instead. Ryan texts something to Alex, much longer than just what Kevin said.
Ryan doesn’t talk to him much for the rest of the afternoon, the kind of thing Kevin would thank him for if he knew how. It’s quiet until Alex gets home, and Kevin hears his voice before the door’s even closed.
“Ryan?” Alex calls out, “C’était-” He comes into the living room. “Hey, Kevin,” he says, offers a smile. As he comes around the couch, Ryan’s gaze follows him, something like relief on his face, like being apart is a physical ache. Alex crawls into Ryan’s lap, gives him a long look that Kevin supposes must make sense to Ryan alone. Ryan wraps his arms around Alex, kisses his ear. He rests his cheek against Alex’s hair, closes his eyes, less tense than he’s been all day.
“How is he?” Kevin asks. Alex hesitates, so Kevin goes on, “what’s he - gonna do?”
He struggles not to imagine the worst, but he can all-too easily see coming home to an empty apartment, Maxim gone again. It’s not hard to imagine, because it will feel like waking up alone, like finding Maxim gone in the morning. But this - this might be worse, and Kevin doesn’t want to find out when he gets there.
“Euh,” Alex says, looks more lost than anything else. Kevin breathes slowly, tries not to imagine the silence, the emptiness, a cold bed. Ryan slips a hand under Alex’s shirt, thumb circling slowly, gentle little strokes like he doesn’t even realise he’s doing it.
“Does he - hate me?” Kevin asks instead, and he wants the answer to this even less, couldn’t be more afraid of an answer.
“We didn’t really talk about you,” Alex says, the only thing that could come close to yes as a painful answer. Kevin wants to ask about what they did talk about, but can’t find the words.
Did Maxim tell Alex why everything is this way? Would Maxim open up to Alex so easily? It makes something in Kevin break, start to shatter, to think of these sacred things of theirs being given to anyone else, no longer meaningful, no longer trusted to Kevin alone.
“He said - how he feels embarrassed, that we know he was a hooker,” Alex says.
“And?” Kevin prompts, but Alex shakes his head.
“Nothing else.”
“You were there for hours,” Kevin says, “and that’s all he said?”
Alex nods, runs his hand down Ryan’s arm where it’s wrapped around him.
“He was very quiet,” Alex says softly. Kevin wants to ask what kind of quiet, if it’s the kind where Maxim’s keeping something to himself, the kind where he’s hiding a reaction to something, the kind where he’s thinking something over, the kind where he’s trying to find the courage to say something. Alex wouldn’t know, though; no one but Kevin would be able to tell the difference. “He asked why you aren’t going home, also. Why?”
“Because,” Kevin stares down at his hands, “he doesn’t want to be around me. He wants to think.” He doesn’t mean for the words to come out so bitingly, but it’s a harsh snap. “He needs time,” Kevin says flatly.
“Oh,” Alex says softly.
The evening goes by slowly, until Ryan tells him he’s welcome to the guest room, and Ryan and Alex disappear down the hallway. Kevin eventually wanders down to the guest room, where he gets into bed only to stare at the ceiling.
He doesn’t want to sleep without Maxim. He’s had enough of that, Maxim’s left too many times, and Kevin doesn’t get used to it, it just gets worse. Every time hurts with the weight of all the previous times on top of it, a pain that only gets worse every time. Maxim’s supposed to be here, Kevin’s come to count on that, he thought he could. He thought he finally had everything he wanted, but every time it gets good, everything disappears, every promise only temporary.
At eleven forty-five, his phone buzzes. Kevin snatches it off the nightstand, opens the text.
Will you please come home?
Kevin stares at the screen for a few seconds, can only think he wants me back, and then he runs to leave.
His apartment is silent and dark when he opens the door, and for a horrible moment, things are exactly the way they used to be. Kevin walks into the apartment, and Maxim’s waiting for him in the entry way.
“Hey,” Maxim says, voice low and hoarse. He draws in a slow breath, meets Kevin’s eyes uneasily. “I don’t know what else you could have done.” The words are quiet, rough with honesty, “there’s nothing that would have been right, but- but what you did-” Kevin holds his breath, expects something terrible, the last blow before he finally, finally breaks. “I - I understand why you did it,” Maxim says quietly, “what you did, your reasons - made it right. You were just - you weren’t keeping it from me, you were keeping - keeping me safe.”
Kevin’s suddenly so exhausted, swept away by relief, every emotion fraying into something unstable, desperate with the need for this all to be over, to go back to the way things are supposed to be.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you,” he says, and that’s all he can manage before he pulls Maxim into his arms, hides hot tears against his neck. “And there won’t be any more secrets, never again. Let’s just - go to bed, okay? I’m so fucking tired.”
It’s so much better, falling into bed this time. Maxim tugs Kevin in against his chest, wraps his arms around Kevin tightly. Maxim’s still here, everything hasn’t fallen apart, even if everything isn’t quite the way it should be yet. There’s still the lurking helplessness, because Maxim still didn’t come to him to let him fix things. Kevin really thought Maxim trusted him enough to come to him when he was scared, allow Kevin to protect him, but Maxim’s first instinct is still to run away, he has to fight it to be here. He almost disappeared, came so close to it, and Kevin couldn’t have handled that. I told you no more disappearing, he wants to insist, hold Maxim and never let him go, I can’t even take this, you’re mine, mine, but Kevin couldn’t even manage that now. Any words he wants to say would just dissolve into you said I was your other half, that’s all I ever wanted, and he wants to beg don’t you want me, because sometimes, Kevin’s best doesn’t get him anywhere but here, saved from breaking only at the last moment, just like always.
Maxim’s here, though. Kevin has to focus on that, because that’s all he has left. Maxim asked him to come home, needed him here, and that’s all Kevin’s ever wanted, to give Maxim what he needs. He’s what Maxim needs, and this may be the only thing Kevin can depend on, but it’s enough.
“Kev?” Maxim says softly. He strokes his fingertips down Kevin’s arm, so light. “Um. Thank you for coming back,” he says, the words so heavy with relief. “Nothing can get fixed without you.”
“I was waiting for you to realise that,” Kevin says, hugs him tight. Maybe it’s taken such a long time for Maxim to know this, maybe he still doesn’t really understand just how much he can depend on Kevin to protect him, but he asked Kevin to come home.
This is more than Kevin ever thought he would have, because this could have ruined everything, could have lost him Maxim, lost him everything. Having Maxim has been surviving losses and disappearances, clinging tight to things he thought he’d lose, but maybe they’ll make it. This could have ruined them, Kevin could have come home to emptiness, nothing has disappeared tonight, and despite everything, Kevin can still fall asleep and know Maxim will be here in the morning.
They’ll still feel shaken and unsteady, but nothing will have disappeared. They will both still be here in the morning.
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