Fic; Little Hidden Things
Fic: Little Hidden Things
Pairing: Kesler/Burrows
Rating: Like nothing
Collection: A Most Mysterious Lullaby (all the de-aged fics, in no particular order)
Summary: When Ryan is de-aged into a two-year-old, he spends the entire time hating Maxim and worrying about Alex leaving.
MORE DE-AGED FIC! I don't even know, guys.
Ryan had said “I’ll be right there,” and that had been half an hour ago, and he still hasn’t shown up on the ice for practice. Alex keeps looking towards the entrance, but Ryan still doesn’t show up. He’d only gone back to fix his sock, where the hell did he go? After the sixth time of nearly slamming into someone, Alex tears his gaze away from the entrance.
“Where did Kes go?” he asks Kevin, who shrugs.
“He not here?” Kevin says, and Alex just sighs out a frustrated, frosty breath. Kevin was probably a bad person to ask; it’s not like he ever takes his eyes off of Maxim. One of these days, Alex is going to get so fed up with watching the pathetically longing look on Kevin’s face that he’s going to shove them in a closet until they work it out. He certainly hasn’t missed the little looks Maxim sneaks at Kevin when he thinks no one’s watching. Whatever, though. Their epic love-to-be isn’t Alex’s problem right now. What is his problem is the fact that practice is over now and Ryan has definitely disappeared. Alex heads into the dressing room while the rest of the guys loiter on the ice a little longer.
“Did you get lost?” he calls out, pushing open the door when he doesn’t get a response. Alex stops in the doorway, stares. The only person in the locker room is a very little boy - he can’t even be three years old. He’s wearing a practice jersey and sitting on the bench near a pile of gear. “Hi there,” Alex offers, tries to remember if he’s seen this kid before. A couple of the guys’ wives are here today, with their kids. But he’s usually pretty good at remembering their kids. Alex goes over, crouches down in front of him. “What are you doing here by yourself?” He doesn’t tend to try to talk to the guys’ kids, because, okay, maybe they have a hard time understanding him. It’s a low in Alex’s life. Fuck English.
“Don’t know,” the little boy mumbles. He has messy brown hair and big brown eyes, almost amber.
“Where’s your mom?” Alex asks, and the boy frowns.
“I don’t know,” he says in a small voice.
“It’s okay. Who’s your dad?”
“Daddy.”
“Right.” Alex sighs. “He will be here in a minute.” Alex goes over to his own stall, starts taking off gear as the other guys come in.
“Whose kid?” Cory asks. No one claims him, the question thrown across the room over and over to no success. Maxim leans over from the stall next to where the kid’s sitting.
“Do you know where your mom is?” he asks gently, and the little boy shakes his head, frowns.
“Don’t like you,” he says angrily, and Maxim arches an eyebrow, scoots back. Alex smirks, because it reminds him of the way Ryan’s never been entirely thrilled to spend time with - Alex’s thoughts freeze. Meanwhile, Kevin has stepped in.
“What’s your name?” he asks, and the little boy apparently deems him acceptable, because he doesn’t push Kevin away.
“Ryan,” the little boy says.
“Okay, Ryan, what’s your last name?”
“Kess-er,” Ryan says, and the locker room goes quiet.
“What?” Kevin asks, and the little boy frowns at having to repeat himself.
“Kess-er.”
“Like- like Kesler?” Kevin says faintly, and Ryan nods.
“Can’t be,” Maxim says from a few feet down the bench, and Ryan whines.
“Nooooooo,” he pushes himself away, sliding on the bench, and Kevin reaches out a hand to steady him.
“Does anyone?” Kevin looks back at the room at large. Alex kind of can’t breathe. Unsurprisingly, it’s Loo that steps forward, because goalies are always weird, and it just makes sense that he’d be calm, and extremely unsurprised.
“It’s Ryan, he got de-aged, and he’ll turn back soon, although it’s impossible to know precisely when,” Loo says, and he sounds almost bored by the whole thing, while Alex is practically hyperventilating, Kevin’s wide-eyed, the locker room is in stunned silence, and Maxim still looks kind of offended.
“It’s Ryan,” Kevin repeats dubiously. “And how exactly do you think that happened?”
“He pissed off a Czech guy and got cursed.”
“Oh,” Kevin considers this, “that sounds likely.”
None of them are freaking out enough, in Alex’s opinion, because holy fuck Ryan is two years old. And no one’s worried about him.
“But- but-” Alex tries, choking on the words.
“Should someone...” Cory says, trails off. “Take him?”
“I don’t know what to do with kids,” Kevin backs off a little, sits next to Maxim.
“I could,” Dan offers; it makes sense, his kids are right around this age, but Alex wants to protest. Then, Ryan does it for him.
“No!” he cries out, eyes filling with tears. He chews on the sleeve of the practice jersey. “Want Alex.” Alex flinches a little. “Come backkk, Alex,” Ryan whines, “Where Alex?”
“Um, me?” Alex says. Bally laughs at him.
“No, Eds,” he says, and Alex makes a face at him. Ryan, meanwhile, has slid off the bench, comes over to Alex and stands there, big brown eyes fixed on him.
“Up?” he says, sounds so hopeful that it kind of breaks Alex’s heart a little. Alex pulls on his shirt over his jeans, then picks Ryan up, sits Ryan on his lap.
“So you do not know, how long this goes?” Alex asks Loo, who just shrugs.
“Seems to vary.”
“Okay,” Alex frowns, looks down at Ryan. Ryan’s leaning against his chest, sucking on the jersey sleeve. Alex scoots down the bench to Kevin and Maxim. “I don’t know how to - euh. What to do. With a baby.”
“Well, it’s not like he’s gonna let anyone else take him,” Kevin points out, definitely finding it too amusing. “Are you, Ryan?”
“No,” Ryan says, pouting.
“Come on, I could take care of you.”
“No want you.” He narrows his eyes at Kevin, and yeah, Alex should have known Ryan was like this as a baby.
“No?” Kevin feigns hurt, “what about Maxim? He could take care of you.”
“No!” Ryan nearly wails, clutching tight to Alex’s shirt, “no no no!” he starts to cry, hiding his face in Alex’s chest. “No no no no no no!”
“Enough already,” Maxim sighs. He’s leaned forward with his elbow on his knee, chin in his hand. “I had no idea Ryan secretly hated me this much,” he rolls his eyes.
“He does not,” Alex reassures, cuddles Ryan against his chest, because irrational and semi-offending hatred or not, it’s still making Ryan cry hysterically.
“He’s just a really bratty baby,” Kevin says, pats Maxim on the back gently, maybe leaves his hand there a little too long.
“Hey,” Dan walks over, “lemme take him and see if any of my kid’s extra clothes fit him. My wife brought him, she always has extra.”
“Great!” Alex says, but when Dan scoops up Ryan, Ryan’s cries get more hysterical and loud. “Ryan, it’s okay, it is just Dan,” Alex says. Ryan sniffles.
“No Lappy?” he asks tearfully. Maxim huffs out a sigh.
“I’m over here,” he says. Ryan sniffles.
“Good,” he says tearfully. Dan leaves the room, bouncing him a little and talking to him gently.
“He’s such a charming baby,” Maxim says. Alex is kind of glad to be able to laugh at him, because it keeps out the thoughts of oh God Ryan’s a baby what why bring him back what’s going on make it stop make him normal what can I do what am I supposed to do?!
Dan comes back a few minutes later, and Ryan’s still sniffling, but he’s wearing a little jacket and pants instead of the jersey. Dan sets him down on the floor and Ryan stands semi-unsteadily, starts chewing on his sleeve again.
“All set,” Dan says cheerfully.
“He stopped crying?” Kevin asks.
“Well, once we got out of the room he stopped crying about - uh,” Dan casts a very non-stealthy look at Maxim, “but then he wanted Alex, so.”
Ryan toddles towards Maxim, looks up at him with anxiety-filled eyes. “No like,” he says tearfully.
“I know,” Maxim says.
“Mean,” Ryan accuses, and Maxim sits back.
“When have I ever been mean to you?”
“Maxi,” Kevin says, a bit of a laugh in his voice, “you’re arguing with a baby.”
“A baby that hates me,” Maxim says, maybe sulking. Ryan’s still looking at him. “Uh. You want up?” Maxim guesses, and Ryan jumps back so fast he falls down, starts crying.
“No no no no no,” he wails.
“Ryan-” Alex starts, leaning forward, and Ryan scrambles up and runs to him, flings his arms around Alex’s waist and sobs into him.
“Want Alex. Only,” he whimpers.
“It’s okay,” Alex pets his hair, shoots a questioning look at Kevin and Maxim. “You’re okay, Ryan. Don’t worry.”
“Alex,” Ryan sniffles.
“I’m here.”
“No leave,” Ryan commands tearfully.
“I won’t leave,” Alex promises, “want up?” He totally has this babytalk thing; it’s much easier than real English. Not that Ryan seems to be having any trouble understanding him either way, though. Ryan nods, and Alex scoops him up, cradles him close. “I’m not - by myself,” he says, and fuck, there’s a verb for what he’s trying to say. Ryan would know it.
“Tending to him, you mean?” Kevin asks, and no, Alex doesn’t even know what that means, but he figures it’s probably correct, and nods. Ryan would have gotten it right. “What, do we have to help?” Alex hadn’t actually intended to include Maxim, because subjecting him to hateful little Ryan seems cruel, but Kevin doesn’t seem to even be capable of considering otherwise.
“Please?” Because, sure, it’s Ryan, but he’s a baby, and Alex doesn’t really know what to do.
“Guess so.” Kevin stands, looks back at Maxim, who heaves a sigh and follows. “If you don’t want to,” Kevin offers softly, but Maxim shrugs.
“Why not,” he says. The way Ryan cries at the sound of his voice seems like reason enough to Alex, but whatever; he sees the way Maxim looks at Kevin. Alex would do the same thing if it was Ryan. He can’t really talk here.
Alex follows them out of the locker room, Ryan sniffling into his neck.
“Lappy no come,” he says.
“He’s nice, Ryan.”
“No.”
“I’m sorry. He’s coming. He’s nice, I promise.”
“No, no, no.” Ryan’s little hand closes tight around the collar of Alex’s t-shirt. “No like.”
“I like him,” Alex offers up. Ryan goes silent. “Ryan?”
“Bad.”
“What’s bad?”
“Kefn nice,” Ryan says, and Alex kind of blinks, because did a baby really just change the subject on him?
“Yeah, Kevin’s very nice. We’re going to Kevin’s apartment.”
“Apt-nt?”
“Um. Kevin’s house.”
“Want you house,” Ryan says, “couch.”
“Oh, you like my couch?”
“Couch,” Ryan confirms, “big.” Alex snickers at that; he’s got an L-shaped couch, and Ryan does love it because he can stretch out on it. There have been a few nights after games when they both fell asleep on it, Alex curled into the corner, Ryan sprawled out along the cushions, heads together. Alex’s heart twists a little, because he really wants his Ryan back. Baby Ryan is half-asleep in his arms.
“Why don’t you take a nap?” Alex suggests.
“No nap!”
“If you say so,” Alex says. By the time they get to Kevin’s car, Ryan’s already asleep. He sleeps through the short drive. Alex sits in the backseat with him, watches him and only half-listens to Kevin and Maxim quietly talk in the front. When they get there, Alex shifts Ryan up against his shoulder, Ryan’s head heavy on his shoulder.
“I like him better when he’s asleep,” Maxim mutters, punching the button for the elevator.
“Je suis sûr que c’est rien,” Alex tells him, but Maxim shrugs a shoulder, avoids his eyes.
Ryan’s still asleep as they walk into Kevin’s apartment, so Alex puts him down to sleep in the guest room. He tucks Ryan in at the centre of the bed, steps back. Then he moves the pillows to kind of wall him in a little. Ryan moves a lot when he sleeps normally - not that Alex notices, or anything, from his bed across the hotel room - so maybe he’s like that as a baby, too. He goes to leave the room, bumps into Maxim just outside the door.
“Hey,” Alex whispers. “What’s-”
“Do you hate me?” Maxim asks urgently, and Alex closes the guest room door, to give himself something to do that isn’t staring blankly at Maxim.
“Um, what?” he asks. Maxim shoves his hands into his pockets, looks down. He’s chirpy as fuck on the ice and plays bigger than he is, but off the ice, he might be the most insecure person Alex even knows.
“Secretly? You can tell me,” Maxim says, even if his tone is entirely convincing, sounds more like he’ll fall apart if Alex says yes. Which he wouldn’t because what the fuck?
“What the fuck? Of course no. Why would I hate you?”
“I mean, Ryan does.”
“Ryan’s a baby now,” Alex points out, because he feels like that should be more obvious.
“Yeah, but he wouldn’t feel that now if he wasn’t repressing it normally. Hiding it,” he clarifies. Alex frowns.
“He doesn’t hate you, Lappy.”
“What if he’s not the only one?” Maxim asks, like he didn’t even hear Alex, and there’s such deep concern in his eyes that Alex is absolutely speechless. “What if everyone’s just - putting up with me?” he goes on, voice getting smaller as he goes, “what if - if Kevin-” he cuts off suddenly, shakes his head.
“Lappy,” Alex says quietly, “I am positive. You are very important to Kevin.” He’d kind of liked to have said it a little more eloquently, wants to say maybe he cares for you so much, but the hurt on Maxim’s face makes words hard to come by. Maxim just nods, and his jaw’s tight, like he’s holding something back. “You should talk with Kevin,” Alex says. Maxim looks down, nods again.
Alex heads down the hallway to give him a minute, but he lingers at the doorway for a moment. Maxim’s leaning one shoulder against the wall, head down. He doesn’t join Alex and Kevin in the kitchen until almost ten minutes have passed, but when he comes back, it’s impossible to read anything on his face.
“The holy terror’s still asleep,” he says, and Kevin snickers.
“I’m calling him HT from now one. Don’t tell him what it stands for.”
“His poor parents,” Alex shakes his head. When he glances at Kevin, Kevin’s watching Maxim mess with his phone, concern painted all over Kevin’s face. He kind of wants to tell them to just talk to each other, but he can’t expect that of them; it’s not like he’s been able to talk to Ryan, after all.
They eventually end up in the living room, watching some movie about a heist that Alex isn’t paying attention to because they talk too fast for him to really catch onto. He doesn’t want to ask for subtitles, because it’s fucking embarrassing; he never has to ask with Ryan, Ryan just does it automatically. Alex has never had to ask, with him; the first time they watched something together, Ryan just noticed the confused look on Alex’s face, put on subtitles without asking. Every single DVD he’s watched of Ryan’s has a French subtitles option; Alex isn’t sure if that’s on purpose or not, has to tell himself it’s not, but if it were on purpose, he’d be so happy.
He lies back against the cushions, feet up on the couch, sneaks a glance over at Kevin and Maxim. They always sit really close together, Kevin’s arm over the back of the couch behind Maxim’s shoulders, nearly touching.
Alex jumps when he feels something touch his leg, but it’s just Ryan, looking up at him with big, tear-filled eyes. Ryan holds his arms up wordlessly, and Alex lifts him into his lap.
“Hey, petit,” Alex murmurs, and Ryan pushes his face against Alex’s neck.
“You no there,” Ryan whimpers. “No there, Alex.” He starts crying quietly, and Alex hugs him close, doesn’t know what to do, because these things Ryan’s worrying about, what if it means something?
“I’m here,” he whispers, rubbing Ryan’s back, “it’s okay. I’ll never leave you.”
“No leave,” Ryan insists shakily. He points down the couch, “no go with Lappy. No leave, Alex.”
“I won’t leave. I promise.”
Kevin’s watching them curiously. “Either Ryan had a lot of problems as a baby, or he’s repressing a ton of shit now,” he says, an undercurrent of concern in his voice. Maxim doesn’t reply, staring at his knees, so he doesn’t notice that Kevin looks at him afterwards, like maybe he thinks Ryan’s not the only one.
“I don’t know,” Alex says. He pets Ryan’s hair gently, kisses his damp cheek. “It’s okay, mon petit. Don’t cry.”
“No leave,” Ryan repeats.
“I promise. No leaving.”
Ryan chews on the sleeve of his jacket, sniffles.
“Think he’ll be okay?” Maxim asks. Alex nods, even though he’s not sure, not entirely. He just doesn’t know what to make of any of this. Ryan looks up at the sound of Maxim’s voice, whimpers.
“No,” he says. Maxim frowns. “Go ‘way,” Ryan whines, hiding against Alex’s neck. “No like.” Maxim shrugs like it doesn’t bother him, but he’s biting his lip hard.
“Wonder where this is coming from,” Kevin remarks, and Maxim makes a choking noise, moves to stand up.
“I’ll be- right back,” he says shakily, but Kevin leans forward, catches his elbow.
“Maxi,” he says, so much tenderness in his voice.
“I think I’m gonna take Ryan on a walk,” Alex says, getting up, Ryan in his arms, “back in a bit.” He hurries out, because Kevin’s eased Maxim back onto the couch, and Maxim’s face is buried in his hands, Kevin’s hand on his knee, Kevin bent towards him.
Alex is in the hallway before he realises he left behind his jacket, and he’d ignore that if he hadn’t also forgotten Ryan’s too.
“We gotta be quiet,” he tells Ryan in a whisper, “Okay? Shhh.”
“Shhh,” Ryan mimics, hands over his mouth. “Shh.”
“Right. Shhh.” Alex kisses his forehead without thinking, then opens Kevin’s front door again. He sneaks past the living room entry, grabs their jackets, can’t help but pause in the entry on the way out.
“It’s stupid,” Maxim’s insisting.
“No, it’s not,” Kevin says, “please, Maxi, please.”
“What if he’s not the only one?” Maxim mumbles, “are - are you?”
“Am I what?”
“Only tolerating me?” Maxim asks, so quiet, and Kevin’s open-mouthed for a few moments.
“Tolerating,” he repeats when he can speak again. “No, never, I promise. You’re - fuck, Maxim,” he sounds so broken. Alex hurries out quietly.
“Good job being quiet,” he says when he’s got the door closed again. Ryan beams at him.
“Good job!” he claps his hands together, all smiles.
There’s a little park a block from Kevin’s building, and when Ryan sees the swings, he shrieks.
“Swing, swing!” he chirps, squirming in Alex’s arms. Alex puts him in one, and Ryan giggles wildly as Alex pushes him, screaming, “higher! Higher!” the entire time.
Half an hour later, Alex’s phone buzzes in his pocket. He pushes Ryan’s swing with one hand, fishing his phone from his pocket with the other.
Might be naked when you get back so enter at your own risk, the text from Maxim says, and Alex laughs out loud, because finally.
“Funny?” Ryan asks, whining.
“Nothing, baby,” Alex said, typing back with one hand.
Good congrats. I do not want details.
He doesn’t get a message back, predictably. And- as happy as he is for them, finally realising they’re in love with each other, Alex still feels jealous. That’s - that’s what he wants, with Ryan, more than anything. And he doesn’t have it; Ryan doesn’t look at him the way Kevin looks at Maxim, doesn’t follow him around the same way like he can’t bear to be apart, doesn’t feel that for him.
“Alex!” Ryan whimpers, “push?” he swings his legs, trying to make the still swing move again. “Aleeeex.”
“Sorry,” Alex looks up to see Ryan clutching the edge of the swing, pouting. He snaps a quick picture with his phone before pushing it into his pocket. “Want to swing more?”
“No,” Ryan says, petulant. He reaches towards Alex, “up, up. Alex?” He always says Alex’s name like it means so much, like it's a question, distressed like he’s worried Alex is going to go away without warning, leave him alone.
“Yeah, c’mere,” Alex lifts Ryan out of the swing, and Ryan settles onto his hip, one hand closing around his collar. “Ready to go home?”
“Home,” Ryan frowns, “you come?”
“Yeah, I’m coming, of course.”
“Of course,” Ryan repeats happily, “of course.” Alex only lives a block from Kevin, so he heads back to his place, rather than intrude upon whatever it is that Maxim and Kevin are getting up to. Also, he just couldn’t stand the jealousy.
Alex feeds him dinner; Ryan seems willing to eat pretty much anything, thankfully. It’s yet another trait Alex recognises of Ryan’s that’s showing up, even though the situation is completely different. Ryan’s not stealing food off his plate and talking to him, he’s sitting on the counter, insisting on feeding himself and failing with a spoon He is still taking Alex’s food, though. Afterwards, Ryan spends a while toddling around Alex’s apartment, looking to make sure Alex is still in the room every few minutes.
“Play?” he asks hopefully after he’s done exploring. “Hide seeee!”
“How?” Alex asks, burns with embarrassment, because he has no idea what Ryan’s talking about.
“Hide. You find,” Ryan informs him, and then he runs into the living room. Alex waits in the hallway - cheating, of course, because sure, it’s not a huge apartment, but there’s no way he’s letting Ryan out of his sight - waits a little while, and then follows.
“Where’s Ryan?” he pretends to look around, even though Ryan’s hiding under a blanket on the couch, giggling madly. “Where’d you go?” He lifts up a corner of the blanket, “there you are!” Ryan laughs wildly, “I found you,” Alex coos, tickling him as Ryan shrieks with laughter.
“Again, again!” he chirps.
Hide and seek keeps him busy for a good hour, and the next time Alex finds him hiding behind the armchair, Ryan’s asleep on the carpet. Before picking him up, Alex can’t help but take a picture. He then cradles Ryan against his chest, carries him into the bedroom. Alex sets him down on the bed, sets it up like he had in Kevin’s guest room, but Ryan wakes up this time, fussy and crying.
“Alex!” he cries, just as Alex is opening the bedroom door to leave. “Alex, no go! You say no leave! No leave, Alex!” his crying seems even more real this time, not the loud, attention-seeking cries Alex has heard before, but quiet and deeply upset. Alex rushes back to the bed, gathers Ryan in his arms.
“I’m sorry, Ryan, I’m sorry,” he says desperately, but Ryan doesn’t quiet.
“No leave, Alex! No leave! No leave!” Ryan sobs, amber eyes welled with tears that spill down his cheeks. “Noooo leeaaavvveeeeee!”
“I won’t leave, I promise,” Alex holds him close, feels kind of like crying too, because what is going on, he’s so worried that this means something, that his Ryan is secretly this upset all the time. He lies down on his side and Ryan cuddles into his chest, still sobbing quietly.
“Sing?” he asks tearfully, hiccupping. “Sunshine song?”
“I - I don’t know it,” Alex says, and Ryan cries a little harder.
“No leave,” he whimpers, “no leave, Alex. No leave.”
Ryan cries himself to sleep after a while, but Alex can’t sleep for hours. He lies awake, Ryan’s warm weight against his chest, can’t stop thinking about what all of this means.
Alex is woken up a few hours later, and he groans, feels really hot for some reason. He pushes the blankets away, turns on his other side, sees Ryan asleep beside him. Alex wonders for a moment if he got into Ryan’s hotel bed by accident, but he doesn’t really care, not right now. Besides, getting into his own bed would be leaving, and Alex just feels like for some reason, he’s not supposed to do that. And he doesn’t want to, because Ryan’s warm and here and leaving him is always the last thing Alex would ever want to do. Also, Alex isn't sure, but he kind of thinks maybe there're in his room, for some reason, but he just doesn't care to think about it anymore right now.
He just scoots under Ryan’s arm, presses against Ryan’s chest and nods off again.
When Alex wakes up to the sunlight of the morning, he finds himself snuggled up against a hard chest, wrapped in strong arms, legs tangled with his. He doesn’t move, because it takes him all of three seconds to realise it’s Ryan, and he wants to savour this as long as he can, before Ryan wakes up. Alex closes his eyes again, fights back a smile; Ryan’s back, he’s back to normal, and Alex doesn’t know how or why or anything, but he’s back to normal, Alex has his Ryan again.
Except - Ryan’s not asleep. Alex can tell, from the way Ryan’s trying really hard to stay still, like he doesn’t want to wake Alex. Alex’s heart starts beating a little faster.
“Ryan,” Alex whispers, and Ryan stiffens. “I know you’re awake,” Alex says, and Ryan squirms a little, goes to draw away. Alex holds onto him tighter, and Ryan relaxes, doesn’t move. “You’re back,” Alex says happily. Ryan nods.
“Um, I seem to remember making Lappy cry,” he says anxiously.
“When you were not crying, yeah, that is what you did,” Alex confirms, and Ryan’s quiet. “Why didn’t you like Lappy?” Alex asks, because it’s easier than asking why did you beg me not to leave you.
“Um,” Ryan shifts restlessly, and Alex draws back just a little, sees the way Ryan’s amber eyes are downcast. “I don’t really hate him,” he says uneasily. “Just - it’s stupid. Really stupid.”
“You really don’t like him?”
“No! No, it’s not that. It’s, uh. I might be… more… jealous, I guess,” Ryan says, voice so low Alex wouldn’t hear him if he wasn’t pressed right up against Ryan.
“Of Lappy…?”
“Yeah,” Ryan mumbles, and he’s blushing now, Alex can feel how hot his skin gets. “Cos… cos when you guys talk in French and stuff… I just…” he blows out a breath, frustration evident. “It’s stupid,” he says angrily.
“He’s in love with Kevin,” Alex says, “they got together yesterday.”
“Oh,” Ryan manages hoarsely. “I- oh.”
“Does this have to do with - with you not wanting me to leave you?”
Ryan doesn’t say anything.
“Ryan,” Alex says softly.
“Why the fuck did someone put that curse on me?” Ryan says angrily, but he sounds more upset than anything else, “did he just want to - to fucking ruin everything?” He scoots back from Alex suddenly, rubbing at his eyes with his fist, “I - I missed practice, I made my teammate think I hate him, made him fucking cry, and Kevin must hate me for that too, and you - fucking fuck, now you’re going to hate me because you know and I - why the fuck did he do this to me?! The fuck did I do to him, whoever the hell it is?” Ryan’s voice breaks, and he scrubs at his eyes with his hand again, makes a strangled little sound.
“No, Ryan, it’s okay,” Alex scoots back closer to him, but Ryan keeps his head down, hands over his face. "It’s okay, that you missed practice. And Lappy is okay now, and Kevin too, they are together now, because of this. And so happy! And I don’t hate you, never, why would I hate you?” Alex reaches out to touch Ryan’s arm gently, tentative.
“Haven’t you-” Ryan starts, falls silent, and oh, Alex can hear that tearful tone again, this time in the low voice he knows so well. “Haven’t you figured out how much I love you?” Ryan asks miserably. Alex kind of stares at him.
“You love me?” he manages. Ryan nods, clenches his jaw tight. Alex tries to form a sentence, can’t find any words at all, because Ryan loves him he really does and this is everything Alex wants, and Ryan loves him. He yanks Ryan close to him and crushes their lips together. Ryan makes a surprised little sound, but he wraps his arms around Alex to hold him close, kissing him hard.
“I’ve- been in love with you - for so long,” Alex says when they’ve parted, kind of breathless from all of this, because it’s really happening. Ryan gives him this smile, one Alex has never seen before and wants to see every single day now, always.
“Alex,” he says softly, Alex’s name a comfort to him, and he holds Alex close. “Some curse,” he scoffs. Alex snickers, cuddles up to Ryan happily.
“I like it,” he says, yawns into Ryan’s chest. “You were a really cute baby.”
“Oh, yeah, I totally sounded adorable and not annoying as hell,” Ryan laughs.
“Doesn’t mean you were not cute while being it. If you’re nice, I will show you pictures.”
“Oh, there’s the bad part of the curse, found it.” Ryan ducks his head to kiss Alex, gentle and promising. “But whatever. Anything’s worth it if you’re there at the end of it.”
Alex only manages incoherent half-syllables, but Ryan knows how he feels anyways, kisses him for it, because Ryan always knows what Alex is trying to say. Ryan already knew everything about him, and now, now he can know so much more, like finding a whole new degree of a world he knows every inch of, like it was all just hiding, waiting for him to find it.
Somehow, Alex is sure that coming to know Ryan in an entirely new way is still going to feel like coming home.
Pairing: Kesler/Burrows
Rating: Like nothing
Collection: A Most Mysterious Lullaby (all the de-aged fics, in no particular order)
Summary: When Ryan is de-aged into a two-year-old, he spends the entire time hating Maxim and worrying about Alex leaving.
MORE DE-AGED FIC! I don't even know, guys.
Ryan had said “I’ll be right there,” and that had been half an hour ago, and he still hasn’t shown up on the ice for practice. Alex keeps looking towards the entrance, but Ryan still doesn’t show up. He’d only gone back to fix his sock, where the hell did he go? After the sixth time of nearly slamming into someone, Alex tears his gaze away from the entrance.
“Where did Kes go?” he asks Kevin, who shrugs.
“He not here?” Kevin says, and Alex just sighs out a frustrated, frosty breath. Kevin was probably a bad person to ask; it’s not like he ever takes his eyes off of Maxim. One of these days, Alex is going to get so fed up with watching the pathetically longing look on Kevin’s face that he’s going to shove them in a closet until they work it out. He certainly hasn’t missed the little looks Maxim sneaks at Kevin when he thinks no one’s watching. Whatever, though. Their epic love-to-be isn’t Alex’s problem right now. What is his problem is the fact that practice is over now and Ryan has definitely disappeared. Alex heads into the dressing room while the rest of the guys loiter on the ice a little longer.
“Did you get lost?” he calls out, pushing open the door when he doesn’t get a response. Alex stops in the doorway, stares. The only person in the locker room is a very little boy - he can’t even be three years old. He’s wearing a practice jersey and sitting on the bench near a pile of gear. “Hi there,” Alex offers, tries to remember if he’s seen this kid before. A couple of the guys’ wives are here today, with their kids. But he’s usually pretty good at remembering their kids. Alex goes over, crouches down in front of him. “What are you doing here by yourself?” He doesn’t tend to try to talk to the guys’ kids, because, okay, maybe they have a hard time understanding him. It’s a low in Alex’s life. Fuck English.
“Don’t know,” the little boy mumbles. He has messy brown hair and big brown eyes, almost amber.
“Where’s your mom?” Alex asks, and the boy frowns.
“I don’t know,” he says in a small voice.
“It’s okay. Who’s your dad?”
“Daddy.”
“Right.” Alex sighs. “He will be here in a minute.” Alex goes over to his own stall, starts taking off gear as the other guys come in.
“Whose kid?” Cory asks. No one claims him, the question thrown across the room over and over to no success. Maxim leans over from the stall next to where the kid’s sitting.
“Do you know where your mom is?” he asks gently, and the little boy shakes his head, frowns.
“Don’t like you,” he says angrily, and Maxim arches an eyebrow, scoots back. Alex smirks, because it reminds him of the way Ryan’s never been entirely thrilled to spend time with - Alex’s thoughts freeze. Meanwhile, Kevin has stepped in.
“What’s your name?” he asks, and the little boy apparently deems him acceptable, because he doesn’t push Kevin away.
“Ryan,” the little boy says.
“Okay, Ryan, what’s your last name?”
“Kess-er,” Ryan says, and the locker room goes quiet.
“What?” Kevin asks, and the little boy frowns at having to repeat himself.
“Kess-er.”
“Like- like Kesler?” Kevin says faintly, and Ryan nods.
“Can’t be,” Maxim says from a few feet down the bench, and Ryan whines.
“Nooooooo,” he pushes himself away, sliding on the bench, and Kevin reaches out a hand to steady him.
“Does anyone?” Kevin looks back at the room at large. Alex kind of can’t breathe. Unsurprisingly, it’s Loo that steps forward, because goalies are always weird, and it just makes sense that he’d be calm, and extremely unsurprised.
“It’s Ryan, he got de-aged, and he’ll turn back soon, although it’s impossible to know precisely when,” Loo says, and he sounds almost bored by the whole thing, while Alex is practically hyperventilating, Kevin’s wide-eyed, the locker room is in stunned silence, and Maxim still looks kind of offended.
“It’s Ryan,” Kevin repeats dubiously. “And how exactly do you think that happened?”
“He pissed off a Czech guy and got cursed.”
“Oh,” Kevin considers this, “that sounds likely.”
None of them are freaking out enough, in Alex’s opinion, because holy fuck Ryan is two years old. And no one’s worried about him.
“But- but-” Alex tries, choking on the words.
“Should someone...” Cory says, trails off. “Take him?”
“I don’t know what to do with kids,” Kevin backs off a little, sits next to Maxim.
“I could,” Dan offers; it makes sense, his kids are right around this age, but Alex wants to protest. Then, Ryan does it for him.
“No!” he cries out, eyes filling with tears. He chews on the sleeve of the practice jersey. “Want Alex.” Alex flinches a little. “Come backkk, Alex,” Ryan whines, “Where Alex?”
“Um, me?” Alex says. Bally laughs at him.
“No, Eds,” he says, and Alex makes a face at him. Ryan, meanwhile, has slid off the bench, comes over to Alex and stands there, big brown eyes fixed on him.
“Up?” he says, sounds so hopeful that it kind of breaks Alex’s heart a little. Alex pulls on his shirt over his jeans, then picks Ryan up, sits Ryan on his lap.
“So you do not know, how long this goes?” Alex asks Loo, who just shrugs.
“Seems to vary.”
“Okay,” Alex frowns, looks down at Ryan. Ryan’s leaning against his chest, sucking on the jersey sleeve. Alex scoots down the bench to Kevin and Maxim. “I don’t know how to - euh. What to do. With a baby.”
“Well, it’s not like he’s gonna let anyone else take him,” Kevin points out, definitely finding it too amusing. “Are you, Ryan?”
“No,” Ryan says, pouting.
“Come on, I could take care of you.”
“No want you.” He narrows his eyes at Kevin, and yeah, Alex should have known Ryan was like this as a baby.
“No?” Kevin feigns hurt, “what about Maxim? He could take care of you.”
“No!” Ryan nearly wails, clutching tight to Alex’s shirt, “no no no!” he starts to cry, hiding his face in Alex’s chest. “No no no no no no!”
“Enough already,” Maxim sighs. He’s leaned forward with his elbow on his knee, chin in his hand. “I had no idea Ryan secretly hated me this much,” he rolls his eyes.
“He does not,” Alex reassures, cuddles Ryan against his chest, because irrational and semi-offending hatred or not, it’s still making Ryan cry hysterically.
“He’s just a really bratty baby,” Kevin says, pats Maxim on the back gently, maybe leaves his hand there a little too long.
“Hey,” Dan walks over, “lemme take him and see if any of my kid’s extra clothes fit him. My wife brought him, she always has extra.”
“Great!” Alex says, but when Dan scoops up Ryan, Ryan’s cries get more hysterical and loud. “Ryan, it’s okay, it is just Dan,” Alex says. Ryan sniffles.
“No Lappy?” he asks tearfully. Maxim huffs out a sigh.
“I’m over here,” he says. Ryan sniffles.
“Good,” he says tearfully. Dan leaves the room, bouncing him a little and talking to him gently.
“He’s such a charming baby,” Maxim says. Alex is kind of glad to be able to laugh at him, because it keeps out the thoughts of oh God Ryan’s a baby what why bring him back what’s going on make it stop make him normal what can I do what am I supposed to do?!
Dan comes back a few minutes later, and Ryan’s still sniffling, but he’s wearing a little jacket and pants instead of the jersey. Dan sets him down on the floor and Ryan stands semi-unsteadily, starts chewing on his sleeve again.
“All set,” Dan says cheerfully.
“He stopped crying?” Kevin asks.
“Well, once we got out of the room he stopped crying about - uh,” Dan casts a very non-stealthy look at Maxim, “but then he wanted Alex, so.”
Ryan toddles towards Maxim, looks up at him with anxiety-filled eyes. “No like,” he says tearfully.
“I know,” Maxim says.
“Mean,” Ryan accuses, and Maxim sits back.
“When have I ever been mean to you?”
“Maxi,” Kevin says, a bit of a laugh in his voice, “you’re arguing with a baby.”
“A baby that hates me,” Maxim says, maybe sulking. Ryan’s still looking at him. “Uh. You want up?” Maxim guesses, and Ryan jumps back so fast he falls down, starts crying.
“No no no no no,” he wails.
“Ryan-” Alex starts, leaning forward, and Ryan scrambles up and runs to him, flings his arms around Alex’s waist and sobs into him.
“Want Alex. Only,” he whimpers.
“It’s okay,” Alex pets his hair, shoots a questioning look at Kevin and Maxim. “You’re okay, Ryan. Don’t worry.”
“Alex,” Ryan sniffles.
“I’m here.”
“No leave,” Ryan commands tearfully.
“I won’t leave,” Alex promises, “want up?” He totally has this babytalk thing; it’s much easier than real English. Not that Ryan seems to be having any trouble understanding him either way, though. Ryan nods, and Alex scoops him up, cradles him close. “I’m not - by myself,” he says, and fuck, there’s a verb for what he’s trying to say. Ryan would know it.
“Tending to him, you mean?” Kevin asks, and no, Alex doesn’t even know what that means, but he figures it’s probably correct, and nods. Ryan would have gotten it right. “What, do we have to help?” Alex hadn’t actually intended to include Maxim, because subjecting him to hateful little Ryan seems cruel, but Kevin doesn’t seem to even be capable of considering otherwise.
“Please?” Because, sure, it’s Ryan, but he’s a baby, and Alex doesn’t really know what to do.
“Guess so.” Kevin stands, looks back at Maxim, who heaves a sigh and follows. “If you don’t want to,” Kevin offers softly, but Maxim shrugs.
“Why not,” he says. The way Ryan cries at the sound of his voice seems like reason enough to Alex, but whatever; he sees the way Maxim looks at Kevin. Alex would do the same thing if it was Ryan. He can’t really talk here.
Alex follows them out of the locker room, Ryan sniffling into his neck.
“Lappy no come,” he says.
“He’s nice, Ryan.”
“No.”
“I’m sorry. He’s coming. He’s nice, I promise.”
“No, no, no.” Ryan’s little hand closes tight around the collar of Alex’s t-shirt. “No like.”
“I like him,” Alex offers up. Ryan goes silent. “Ryan?”
“Bad.”
“What’s bad?”
“Kefn nice,” Ryan says, and Alex kind of blinks, because did a baby really just change the subject on him?
“Yeah, Kevin’s very nice. We’re going to Kevin’s apartment.”
“Apt-nt?”
“Um. Kevin’s house.”
“Want you house,” Ryan says, “couch.”
“Oh, you like my couch?”
“Couch,” Ryan confirms, “big.” Alex snickers at that; he’s got an L-shaped couch, and Ryan does love it because he can stretch out on it. There have been a few nights after games when they both fell asleep on it, Alex curled into the corner, Ryan sprawled out along the cushions, heads together. Alex’s heart twists a little, because he really wants his Ryan back. Baby Ryan is half-asleep in his arms.
“Why don’t you take a nap?” Alex suggests.
“No nap!”
“If you say so,” Alex says. By the time they get to Kevin’s car, Ryan’s already asleep. He sleeps through the short drive. Alex sits in the backseat with him, watches him and only half-listens to Kevin and Maxim quietly talk in the front. When they get there, Alex shifts Ryan up against his shoulder, Ryan’s head heavy on his shoulder.
“I like him better when he’s asleep,” Maxim mutters, punching the button for the elevator.
“Je suis sûr que c’est rien,” Alex tells him, but Maxim shrugs a shoulder, avoids his eyes.
Ryan’s still asleep as they walk into Kevin’s apartment, so Alex puts him down to sleep in the guest room. He tucks Ryan in at the centre of the bed, steps back. Then he moves the pillows to kind of wall him in a little. Ryan moves a lot when he sleeps normally - not that Alex notices, or anything, from his bed across the hotel room - so maybe he’s like that as a baby, too. He goes to leave the room, bumps into Maxim just outside the door.
“Hey,” Alex whispers. “What’s-”
“Do you hate me?” Maxim asks urgently, and Alex closes the guest room door, to give himself something to do that isn’t staring blankly at Maxim.
“Um, what?” he asks. Maxim shoves his hands into his pockets, looks down. He’s chirpy as fuck on the ice and plays bigger than he is, but off the ice, he might be the most insecure person Alex even knows.
“Secretly? You can tell me,” Maxim says, even if his tone is entirely convincing, sounds more like he’ll fall apart if Alex says yes. Which he wouldn’t because what the fuck?
“What the fuck? Of course no. Why would I hate you?”
“I mean, Ryan does.”
“Ryan’s a baby now,” Alex points out, because he feels like that should be more obvious.
“Yeah, but he wouldn’t feel that now if he wasn’t repressing it normally. Hiding it,” he clarifies. Alex frowns.
“He doesn’t hate you, Lappy.”
“What if he’s not the only one?” Maxim asks, like he didn’t even hear Alex, and there’s such deep concern in his eyes that Alex is absolutely speechless. “What if everyone’s just - putting up with me?” he goes on, voice getting smaller as he goes, “what if - if Kevin-” he cuts off suddenly, shakes his head.
“Lappy,” Alex says quietly, “I am positive. You are very important to Kevin.” He’d kind of liked to have said it a little more eloquently, wants to say maybe he cares for you so much, but the hurt on Maxim’s face makes words hard to come by. Maxim just nods, and his jaw’s tight, like he’s holding something back. “You should talk with Kevin,” Alex says. Maxim looks down, nods again.
Alex heads down the hallway to give him a minute, but he lingers at the doorway for a moment. Maxim’s leaning one shoulder against the wall, head down. He doesn’t join Alex and Kevin in the kitchen until almost ten minutes have passed, but when he comes back, it’s impossible to read anything on his face.
“The holy terror’s still asleep,” he says, and Kevin snickers.
“I’m calling him HT from now one. Don’t tell him what it stands for.”
“His poor parents,” Alex shakes his head. When he glances at Kevin, Kevin’s watching Maxim mess with his phone, concern painted all over Kevin’s face. He kind of wants to tell them to just talk to each other, but he can’t expect that of them; it’s not like he’s been able to talk to Ryan, after all.
They eventually end up in the living room, watching some movie about a heist that Alex isn’t paying attention to because they talk too fast for him to really catch onto. He doesn’t want to ask for subtitles, because it’s fucking embarrassing; he never has to ask with Ryan, Ryan just does it automatically. Alex has never had to ask, with him; the first time they watched something together, Ryan just noticed the confused look on Alex’s face, put on subtitles without asking. Every single DVD he’s watched of Ryan’s has a French subtitles option; Alex isn’t sure if that’s on purpose or not, has to tell himself it’s not, but if it were on purpose, he’d be so happy.
He lies back against the cushions, feet up on the couch, sneaks a glance over at Kevin and Maxim. They always sit really close together, Kevin’s arm over the back of the couch behind Maxim’s shoulders, nearly touching.
Alex jumps when he feels something touch his leg, but it’s just Ryan, looking up at him with big, tear-filled eyes. Ryan holds his arms up wordlessly, and Alex lifts him into his lap.
“Hey, petit,” Alex murmurs, and Ryan pushes his face against Alex’s neck.
“You no there,” Ryan whimpers. “No there, Alex.” He starts crying quietly, and Alex hugs him close, doesn’t know what to do, because these things Ryan’s worrying about, what if it means something?
“I’m here,” he whispers, rubbing Ryan’s back, “it’s okay. I’ll never leave you.”
“No leave,” Ryan insists shakily. He points down the couch, “no go with Lappy. No leave, Alex.”
“I won’t leave. I promise.”
Kevin’s watching them curiously. “Either Ryan had a lot of problems as a baby, or he’s repressing a ton of shit now,” he says, an undercurrent of concern in his voice. Maxim doesn’t reply, staring at his knees, so he doesn’t notice that Kevin looks at him afterwards, like maybe he thinks Ryan’s not the only one.
“I don’t know,” Alex says. He pets Ryan’s hair gently, kisses his damp cheek. “It’s okay, mon petit. Don’t cry.”
“No leave,” Ryan repeats.
“I promise. No leaving.”
Ryan chews on the sleeve of his jacket, sniffles.
“Think he’ll be okay?” Maxim asks. Alex nods, even though he’s not sure, not entirely. He just doesn’t know what to make of any of this. Ryan looks up at the sound of Maxim’s voice, whimpers.
“No,” he says. Maxim frowns. “Go ‘way,” Ryan whines, hiding against Alex’s neck. “No like.” Maxim shrugs like it doesn’t bother him, but he’s biting his lip hard.
“Wonder where this is coming from,” Kevin remarks, and Maxim makes a choking noise, moves to stand up.
“I’ll be- right back,” he says shakily, but Kevin leans forward, catches his elbow.
“Maxi,” he says, so much tenderness in his voice.
“I think I’m gonna take Ryan on a walk,” Alex says, getting up, Ryan in his arms, “back in a bit.” He hurries out, because Kevin’s eased Maxim back onto the couch, and Maxim’s face is buried in his hands, Kevin’s hand on his knee, Kevin bent towards him.
Alex is in the hallway before he realises he left behind his jacket, and he’d ignore that if he hadn’t also forgotten Ryan’s too.
“We gotta be quiet,” he tells Ryan in a whisper, “Okay? Shhh.”
“Shhh,” Ryan mimics, hands over his mouth. “Shh.”
“Right. Shhh.” Alex kisses his forehead without thinking, then opens Kevin’s front door again. He sneaks past the living room entry, grabs their jackets, can’t help but pause in the entry on the way out.
“It’s stupid,” Maxim’s insisting.
“No, it’s not,” Kevin says, “please, Maxi, please.”
“What if he’s not the only one?” Maxim mumbles, “are - are you?”
“Am I what?”
“Only tolerating me?” Maxim asks, so quiet, and Kevin’s open-mouthed for a few moments.
“Tolerating,” he repeats when he can speak again. “No, never, I promise. You’re - fuck, Maxim,” he sounds so broken. Alex hurries out quietly.
“Good job being quiet,” he says when he’s got the door closed again. Ryan beams at him.
“Good job!” he claps his hands together, all smiles.
There’s a little park a block from Kevin’s building, and when Ryan sees the swings, he shrieks.
“Swing, swing!” he chirps, squirming in Alex’s arms. Alex puts him in one, and Ryan giggles wildly as Alex pushes him, screaming, “higher! Higher!” the entire time.
Half an hour later, Alex’s phone buzzes in his pocket. He pushes Ryan’s swing with one hand, fishing his phone from his pocket with the other.
Might be naked when you get back so enter at your own risk, the text from Maxim says, and Alex laughs out loud, because finally.
“Funny?” Ryan asks, whining.
“Nothing, baby,” Alex said, typing back with one hand.
Good congrats. I do not want details.
He doesn’t get a message back, predictably. And- as happy as he is for them, finally realising they’re in love with each other, Alex still feels jealous. That’s - that’s what he wants, with Ryan, more than anything. And he doesn’t have it; Ryan doesn’t look at him the way Kevin looks at Maxim, doesn’t follow him around the same way like he can’t bear to be apart, doesn’t feel that for him.
“Alex!” Ryan whimpers, “push?” he swings his legs, trying to make the still swing move again. “Aleeeex.”
“Sorry,” Alex looks up to see Ryan clutching the edge of the swing, pouting. He snaps a quick picture with his phone before pushing it into his pocket. “Want to swing more?”
“No,” Ryan says, petulant. He reaches towards Alex, “up, up. Alex?” He always says Alex’s name like it means so much, like it's a question, distressed like he’s worried Alex is going to go away without warning, leave him alone.
“Yeah, c’mere,” Alex lifts Ryan out of the swing, and Ryan settles onto his hip, one hand closing around his collar. “Ready to go home?”
“Home,” Ryan frowns, “you come?”
“Yeah, I’m coming, of course.”
“Of course,” Ryan repeats happily, “of course.” Alex only lives a block from Kevin, so he heads back to his place, rather than intrude upon whatever it is that Maxim and Kevin are getting up to. Also, he just couldn’t stand the jealousy.
Alex feeds him dinner; Ryan seems willing to eat pretty much anything, thankfully. It’s yet another trait Alex recognises of Ryan’s that’s showing up, even though the situation is completely different. Ryan’s not stealing food off his plate and talking to him, he’s sitting on the counter, insisting on feeding himself and failing with a spoon He is still taking Alex’s food, though. Afterwards, Ryan spends a while toddling around Alex’s apartment, looking to make sure Alex is still in the room every few minutes.
“Play?” he asks hopefully after he’s done exploring. “Hide seeee!”
“How?” Alex asks, burns with embarrassment, because he has no idea what Ryan’s talking about.
“Hide. You find,” Ryan informs him, and then he runs into the living room. Alex waits in the hallway - cheating, of course, because sure, it’s not a huge apartment, but there’s no way he’s letting Ryan out of his sight - waits a little while, and then follows.
“Where’s Ryan?” he pretends to look around, even though Ryan’s hiding under a blanket on the couch, giggling madly. “Where’d you go?” He lifts up a corner of the blanket, “there you are!” Ryan laughs wildly, “I found you,” Alex coos, tickling him as Ryan shrieks with laughter.
“Again, again!” he chirps.
Hide and seek keeps him busy for a good hour, and the next time Alex finds him hiding behind the armchair, Ryan’s asleep on the carpet. Before picking him up, Alex can’t help but take a picture. He then cradles Ryan against his chest, carries him into the bedroom. Alex sets him down on the bed, sets it up like he had in Kevin’s guest room, but Ryan wakes up this time, fussy and crying.
“Alex!” he cries, just as Alex is opening the bedroom door to leave. “Alex, no go! You say no leave! No leave, Alex!” his crying seems even more real this time, not the loud, attention-seeking cries Alex has heard before, but quiet and deeply upset. Alex rushes back to the bed, gathers Ryan in his arms.
“I’m sorry, Ryan, I’m sorry,” he says desperately, but Ryan doesn’t quiet.
“No leave, Alex! No leave! No leave!” Ryan sobs, amber eyes welled with tears that spill down his cheeks. “Noooo leeaaavvveeeeee!”
“I won’t leave, I promise,” Alex holds him close, feels kind of like crying too, because what is going on, he’s so worried that this means something, that his Ryan is secretly this upset all the time. He lies down on his side and Ryan cuddles into his chest, still sobbing quietly.
“Sing?” he asks tearfully, hiccupping. “Sunshine song?”
“I - I don’t know it,” Alex says, and Ryan cries a little harder.
“No leave,” he whimpers, “no leave, Alex. No leave.”
Ryan cries himself to sleep after a while, but Alex can’t sleep for hours. He lies awake, Ryan’s warm weight against his chest, can’t stop thinking about what all of this means.
Alex is woken up a few hours later, and he groans, feels really hot for some reason. He pushes the blankets away, turns on his other side, sees Ryan asleep beside him. Alex wonders for a moment if he got into Ryan’s hotel bed by accident, but he doesn’t really care, not right now. Besides, getting into his own bed would be leaving, and Alex just feels like for some reason, he’s not supposed to do that. And he doesn’t want to, because Ryan’s warm and here and leaving him is always the last thing Alex would ever want to do. Also, Alex isn't sure, but he kind of thinks maybe there're in his room, for some reason, but he just doesn't care to think about it anymore right now.
He just scoots under Ryan’s arm, presses against Ryan’s chest and nods off again.
When Alex wakes up to the sunlight of the morning, he finds himself snuggled up against a hard chest, wrapped in strong arms, legs tangled with his. He doesn’t move, because it takes him all of three seconds to realise it’s Ryan, and he wants to savour this as long as he can, before Ryan wakes up. Alex closes his eyes again, fights back a smile; Ryan’s back, he’s back to normal, and Alex doesn’t know how or why or anything, but he’s back to normal, Alex has his Ryan again.
Except - Ryan’s not asleep. Alex can tell, from the way Ryan’s trying really hard to stay still, like he doesn’t want to wake Alex. Alex’s heart starts beating a little faster.
“Ryan,” Alex whispers, and Ryan stiffens. “I know you’re awake,” Alex says, and Ryan squirms a little, goes to draw away. Alex holds onto him tighter, and Ryan relaxes, doesn’t move. “You’re back,” Alex says happily. Ryan nods.
“Um, I seem to remember making Lappy cry,” he says anxiously.
“When you were not crying, yeah, that is what you did,” Alex confirms, and Ryan’s quiet. “Why didn’t you like Lappy?” Alex asks, because it’s easier than asking why did you beg me not to leave you.
“Um,” Ryan shifts restlessly, and Alex draws back just a little, sees the way Ryan’s amber eyes are downcast. “I don’t really hate him,” he says uneasily. “Just - it’s stupid. Really stupid.”
“You really don’t like him?”
“No! No, it’s not that. It’s, uh. I might be… more… jealous, I guess,” Ryan says, voice so low Alex wouldn’t hear him if he wasn’t pressed right up against Ryan.
“Of Lappy…?”
“Yeah,” Ryan mumbles, and he’s blushing now, Alex can feel how hot his skin gets. “Cos… cos when you guys talk in French and stuff… I just…” he blows out a breath, frustration evident. “It’s stupid,” he says angrily.
“He’s in love with Kevin,” Alex says, “they got together yesterday.”
“Oh,” Ryan manages hoarsely. “I- oh.”
“Does this have to do with - with you not wanting me to leave you?”
Ryan doesn’t say anything.
“Ryan,” Alex says softly.
“Why the fuck did someone put that curse on me?” Ryan says angrily, but he sounds more upset than anything else, “did he just want to - to fucking ruin everything?” He scoots back from Alex suddenly, rubbing at his eyes with his fist, “I - I missed practice, I made my teammate think I hate him, made him fucking cry, and Kevin must hate me for that too, and you - fucking fuck, now you’re going to hate me because you know and I - why the fuck did he do this to me?! The fuck did I do to him, whoever the hell it is?” Ryan’s voice breaks, and he scrubs at his eyes with his hand again, makes a strangled little sound.
“No, Ryan, it’s okay,” Alex scoots back closer to him, but Ryan keeps his head down, hands over his face. "It’s okay, that you missed practice. And Lappy is okay now, and Kevin too, they are together now, because of this. And so happy! And I don’t hate you, never, why would I hate you?” Alex reaches out to touch Ryan’s arm gently, tentative.
“Haven’t you-” Ryan starts, falls silent, and oh, Alex can hear that tearful tone again, this time in the low voice he knows so well. “Haven’t you figured out how much I love you?” Ryan asks miserably. Alex kind of stares at him.
“You love me?” he manages. Ryan nods, clenches his jaw tight. Alex tries to form a sentence, can’t find any words at all, because Ryan loves him he really does and this is everything Alex wants, and Ryan loves him. He yanks Ryan close to him and crushes their lips together. Ryan makes a surprised little sound, but he wraps his arms around Alex to hold him close, kissing him hard.
“I’ve- been in love with you - for so long,” Alex says when they’ve parted, kind of breathless from all of this, because it’s really happening. Ryan gives him this smile, one Alex has never seen before and wants to see every single day now, always.
“Alex,” he says softly, Alex’s name a comfort to him, and he holds Alex close. “Some curse,” he scoffs. Alex snickers, cuddles up to Ryan happily.
“I like it,” he says, yawns into Ryan’s chest. “You were a really cute baby.”
“Oh, yeah, I totally sounded adorable and not annoying as hell,” Ryan laughs.
“Doesn’t mean you were not cute while being it. If you’re nice, I will show you pictures.”
“Oh, there’s the bad part of the curse, found it.” Ryan ducks his head to kiss Alex, gentle and promising. “But whatever. Anything’s worth it if you’re there at the end of it.”
Alex only manages incoherent half-syllables, but Ryan knows how he feels anyways, kisses him for it, because Ryan always knows what Alex is trying to say. Ryan already knew everything about him, and now, now he can know so much more, like finding a whole new degree of a world he knows every inch of, like it was all just hiding, waiting for him to find it.
Somehow, Alex is sure that coming to know Ryan in an entirely new way is still going to feel like coming home.