Last night I was with friends at an Eat N Park, and a male friend made a statement that was against anti-gay bigotry. He then added, "I mean, I'm not gay, but
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It is worth noting that people perceived to be gay (and in spheres of performative masculinity, that extends to anyone who appears supportive of gays - i.e. if you "love" gay folks, then you must be gay yourself) are directly physically threatened by performative masculinity. Hate crimes against gay folks do happen, and in the wrong context just standing up for gays is enough to make you a target for physical violence.
Obviously, in the specific context of the OP this wasn't a threat, but anyone who has grown up surrounded by performative masculinity will have an automatic defensive stance any time they express their genuine feelings on the matter (if those feelings are out of line with the Patriarchal masculine line).
This means that the situation in the OP worked like this:
Friend #1 "...Not that I'm gay"
Icca: "That's an odd thing to say" (because it makes it sound like you think gay is a bad thing to be)
Friend #2 "That's right, we know you're not gay" (meaning, "You have no need to defend yourself against us, you're among friends")
Friend #2 was responding to the fear that enforces performative masculinity and seeking to comfort a perceived sense of insecurity in Friend #1. However, the terms of the response also indirectly reinforced the perception that you do have to defend against being seen as gay even by your friends. That is how performative masculinity, and the Patriarchy as a whole, reproduces itself.
I would be interested to know if Friend #2 was male or female, because I would anticipate that a female friend would have been (perhaps only slightly) more likely to catch your intended meaning than a male friend who has also been brought up with performative masculinity.
Anecdote time: I'm male and was brought up within the British form of performative masculinity; I had certain behaviours that were non-gender conforming, and was frequently accused of being gay or a "gaylord" by my peers. I say "accused" because children are very good at conveying accusation with tone of voice! So I definitely internalised the kneejerk response "not that I'm gay". It took me a definite and concerted effort over some years for me to feel comfortable with making remarks about gay rights, or even about another man's good looks (I mean, how many women comment on each other's clothes or appearance, and then kneejerk "not that I'm lesbian"?), without having to tack those four words on the end. As it turns out, I'm not 100% straight, but I would never have known that without discarding that kneejerk reaction first.
It is worth noting that people perceived to be gay (and in spheres of performative masculinity, that extends to anyone who appears supportive of gays - i.e. if you "love" gay folks, then you must be gay yourself) are directly physically threatened by performative masculinity. Hate crimes against gay folks do happen, and in the wrong context just standing up for gays is enough to make you a target for physical violence.
Obviously, in the specific context of the OP this wasn't a threat, but anyone who has grown up surrounded by performative masculinity will have an automatic defensive stance any time they express their genuine feelings on the matter (if those feelings are out of line with the Patriarchal masculine line).
This means that the situation in the OP worked like this:
Friend #1 "...Not that I'm gay"
Icca: "That's an odd thing to say" (because it makes it sound like you think gay is a bad thing to be)
Friend #2 "That's right, we know you're not gay" (meaning, "You have no need to defend yourself against us, you're among friends")
Friend #2 was responding to the fear that enforces performative masculinity and seeking to comfort a perceived sense of insecurity in Friend #1. However, the terms of the response also indirectly reinforced the perception that you do have to defend against being seen as gay even by your friends. That is how performative masculinity, and the Patriarchy as a whole, reproduces itself.
I would be interested to know if Friend #2 was male or female, because I would anticipate that a female friend would have been (perhaps only slightly) more likely to catch your intended meaning than a male friend who has also been brought up with performative masculinity.
Anecdote time: I'm male and was brought up within the British form of performative masculinity; I had certain behaviours that were non-gender conforming, and was frequently accused of being gay or a "gaylord" by my peers. I say "accused" because children are very good at conveying accusation with tone of voice! So I definitely internalised the kneejerk response "not that I'm gay". It took me a definite and concerted effort over some years for me to feel comfortable with making remarks about gay rights, or even about another man's good looks (I mean, how many women comment on each other's clothes or appearance, and then kneejerk "not that I'm lesbian"?), without having to tack those four words on the end. As it turns out, I'm not 100% straight, but I would never have known that without discarding that kneejerk reaction first.
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