(no subject)
We really need to, as a culture, move away from the idea that if you're not having sex, something is wrong with you. (The message is not "If you're not having as much sex as you'd like, something is wrong," which I think is also problematic but considerably less so.)
Now, obviously I'm an advocate of no one having more sex than they want (and hey, shouldn't we all be? Since, y'know, having sex you don't want is rape?) But lately I've been thinking an awful lot about how our culture programs us to be sex maniacs. The pressure is on both genders. If a man's not having sex, he's not manly enough. If a woman isn't, then she's not attractive (and of course, that's her most important attribute!) Both parties feel that they need to have sex, or at least do something sexual or they're failing as a man or as a woman.
This idea means that even if we are having sex, we're probably not having it often enough, or doing it well enough. There are ads on the radio now telling men that yes, their girlfriends DO talk about their sexual prowess. There's a Subway ad that says if you eat fast food, you'll (presumably) become fat and unattractive and lose your boyfriend. It's hurting our self-confidence, our sense of security, our self-images.
The message also leads to problems in relationships. There's this idea that the goal of a relationship is sex, so if you aren't having sex, you don't have a real relationship. On top of that, there's this constant fear that if you're not having sex enough for your partner, or you aren't doing it well enough, your partner will leave you for someone with a larger dick, or a tighter vagina (and seriously, it's not like vaginas stretch out and get stuck that way like old sweaters!). If a sexual relationship becomes slowed or stops, it causes huge amounts of insecurity, depression, stress that really only add to the lack of sex drive. It becomes a cycle and a blame game.
People are told to get therapy if they don't like sex. (Not, of course, couple's therapy which would probably be very helpful!) If a couple's not having sex, and it becomes known, blame is quickly placed on the person who doesn't want it! It's his/her fault! Not mine!
The worst thing, probably, is that since we need to be having a lot of sex to not be abnormal, is that means sex is a commodity. Sex can be bargained for, pleaded for, sex should be exchanged for dinner, or theater tickets. Sex isn't an expression of trust, love and desire, but it's something to be taken, gained, and at the lowest possible cost.
And, okay. I'm not saying that sex with a stranger is inherently bad. And I'm sure for most people, sex is such a strong force that they'd be unwilling to be in a completely sexless relationship. And that's fine. Even in a world where we were free to not have sex or have sex and our value is not judged on that, sex would probably still be a potential issue. But we need a serious attitude adjustment.
(Also, this attitude, coupled with "If women have sex outside of a marriage, they're irreparably dirty" school of thought makes being a woman a lot of fun, let me tell you!)
Now, obviously I'm an advocate of no one having more sex than they want (and hey, shouldn't we all be? Since, y'know, having sex you don't want is rape?) But lately I've been thinking an awful lot about how our culture programs us to be sex maniacs. The pressure is on both genders. If a man's not having sex, he's not manly enough. If a woman isn't, then she's not attractive (and of course, that's her most important attribute!) Both parties feel that they need to have sex, or at least do something sexual or they're failing as a man or as a woman.
This idea means that even if we are having sex, we're probably not having it often enough, or doing it well enough. There are ads on the radio now telling men that yes, their girlfriends DO talk about their sexual prowess. There's a Subway ad that says if you eat fast food, you'll (presumably) become fat and unattractive and lose your boyfriend. It's hurting our self-confidence, our sense of security, our self-images.
The message also leads to problems in relationships. There's this idea that the goal of a relationship is sex, so if you aren't having sex, you don't have a real relationship. On top of that, there's this constant fear that if you're not having sex enough for your partner, or you aren't doing it well enough, your partner will leave you for someone with a larger dick, or a tighter vagina (and seriously, it's not like vaginas stretch out and get stuck that way like old sweaters!). If a sexual relationship becomes slowed or stops, it causes huge amounts of insecurity, depression, stress that really only add to the lack of sex drive. It becomes a cycle and a blame game.
People are told to get therapy if they don't like sex. (Not, of course, couple's therapy which would probably be very helpful!) If a couple's not having sex, and it becomes known, blame is quickly placed on the person who doesn't want it! It's his/her fault! Not mine!
The worst thing, probably, is that since we need to be having a lot of sex to not be abnormal, is that means sex is a commodity. Sex can be bargained for, pleaded for, sex should be exchanged for dinner, or theater tickets. Sex isn't an expression of trust, love and desire, but it's something to be taken, gained, and at the lowest possible cost.
And, okay. I'm not saying that sex with a stranger is inherently bad. And I'm sure for most people, sex is such a strong force that they'd be unwilling to be in a completely sexless relationship. And that's fine. Even in a world where we were free to not have sex or have sex and our value is not judged on that, sex would probably still be a potential issue. But we need a serious attitude adjustment.
(Also, this attitude, coupled with "If women have sex outside of a marriage, they're irreparably dirty" school of thought makes being a woman a lot of fun, let me tell you!)