the world is too much with us
I am able bodied, able mind (for the most part). I should be so greatful and yet I make things so hard for myself as if my mission is self-sabotag.
I still haven't re-applied for my FAFSA for 2009-2010...why? I'm going to be stuck at commuity college and the classes are cheap but they're still not free and I have no money to pay for them. There's something inside of me that is terrified that so much of my life is determined by one application. But if it isn't that one then it would be another; an application for another job, an application to a program. Whatever. It's all lies and it reads, "here I am world, look how hard I've tried and I did so well in school and I have no money so gimme gimme gimme money/time" and for what? I go to four year university, graduate, but I'm not going to kid myself, I'm not capable of advancing in anything special. Even with a degree I'll end up at the same desk in an office for thirty years like my mom or the million + other people that graduate and that's only if I'm lucky. I don't want to be an ant on a four year track to no where. I know I'm failing to see that the FAFSA is only there to help me. It only takes a couple minutes of my time and a phone call or two but I have this feeling inside that there's got to be something better out there. I'm not saying I won't graduate from a decent school eventually, I want an education for the sake of my love for physcial anthropology but I can't squeeze out enough meaning in my life to make it worth trying right now.
So I'm turing in other applications...To Ameri-Corps, to WWOOF, and other such things. And yeah, I'm finishing my FAFSA today but I know at this point I won't get much.
I'm wearing thin on trying to be vegan, fair-trade and sustainable. I can try to lead a good life all I want but I'm still not a good person. I want to care about all these things I ascribe to but most days I just dont. But I'm going to give it another go around. I'm a barron feild that needs cultivating. Maybe I'll find the inspiration. Maybe I'll fuck myself over so hard that I'll get my head on straight.
I still haven't re-applied for my FAFSA for 2009-2010...why? I'm going to be stuck at commuity college and the classes are cheap but they're still not free and I have no money to pay for them. There's something inside of me that is terrified that so much of my life is determined by one application. But if it isn't that one then it would be another; an application for another job, an application to a program. Whatever. It's all lies and it reads, "here I am world, look how hard I've tried and I did so well in school and I have no money so gimme gimme gimme money/time" and for what? I go to four year university, graduate, but I'm not going to kid myself, I'm not capable of advancing in anything special. Even with a degree I'll end up at the same desk in an office for thirty years like my mom or the million + other people that graduate and that's only if I'm lucky. I don't want to be an ant on a four year track to no where. I know I'm failing to see that the FAFSA is only there to help me. It only takes a couple minutes of my time and a phone call or two but I have this feeling inside that there's got to be something better out there. I'm not saying I won't graduate from a decent school eventually, I want an education for the sake of my love for physcial anthropology but I can't squeeze out enough meaning in my life to make it worth trying right now.
So I'm turing in other applications...To Ameri-Corps, to WWOOF, and other such things. And yeah, I'm finishing my FAFSA today but I know at this point I won't get much.
I'm wearing thin on trying to be vegan, fair-trade and sustainable. I can try to lead a good life all I want but I'm still not a good person. I want to care about all these things I ascribe to but most days I just dont. But I'm going to give it another go around. I'm a barron feild that needs cultivating. Maybe I'll find the inspiration. Maybe I'll fuck myself over so hard that I'll get my head on straight.