Here's my honest ramble on the issue,
April 27th, 2009
I woke up today to the sounds of rain and my phone alerting me that Mike wanted to waste my day today. Apparently he lost his Job as Manager at Metal Militia, which I can't say I didn't see coming. The kid consistently broke simple rules, and clearly his mind was preoccupied with women and splifs as that was all he did at his job (literally). Regardless, there was talk of getting Royally FUCKED today...ALL day. A familiar concept, seeing as I have been doing SOMETHING everyday for a few months now.
So Far I have declined to show up. I guess for the moment, there was a pause in the cycle, and for now I'm trying to stay clean from the merciless soul leechers, the incredulous vices that seem to take more than they give back. The price for expanded consciousness is a dead world upon return to reality. Although my soul thrives off of this sporatic leeching, it cannot sustain itself on long binges without some sort of degradation to body, mind and soul. Especially after you have a shattered heart, and you turn to these vices for comfort and to put the peices back together
The biggest loss that I have become aware of is my creativity. Somewhere down the line of self indulgence in euphoric, mind altering substances, be it drugs, alcohol, worshiping of false musical prophets or lusting after the wrong women (one in particular). I wrapped myself in a smothering blanket of false security, and convinced myself that everything was OK. There was no need to rush ambition or dreams into reality. I was complacent drifting lifelessly away from myself, spinning myself larger and larger webs of lies of what I truley wanted. I forgot how to think, how to act, what to believe in, how to believe in myself and most importantly, I forgot who I was.
I have been chasing Lady Desire for years now. Obsessing over her and what she has to offer. Comprimised, sold and stole everything from myself just to be with her and have her all to myself. How naiive I was to think that I could have her. The reason Lady Desire is so attractive, inspiring, wise, humourous and in all other aspects perfect is because she is unattainable...to everyone. No matter how hard you try she will always be distant. She will always be cold. She will always be a tease. She runs the world with a wave of her hand and turns mountains to sand. Her exotic beauty resembles a chameleon's mistique. Formless and free from constraints. She embodies your deepest darkest secrets. She is a living nightmare, who promises the world in your hand. Like a mirror, she shows me every fantasy as reality. She shows me Inspiration, Beauty, Truth and Free Will. When she leaves, the mirror paints a more gruesome picture, and I am trapped again inside four walls of self loathing, deception and pain...and this is all caused by the damage wrecked onto myself. Blind, Deaf and Mute to my own mind, I try to walk a straight line and mischievously stumble and fall, plummeting toward the jagged rocks of corruption, lies, deceit, sorrow, misery and probable death...
...I used to always wonder what my last thoughts would be when falling to my death. I think it would be exhilerating to have the wind gushing through your entire body and for the while of the freefall, there would have to be an adrenaline kick that would be indescribable, then it would be over and I'd be pissed off at its berevity. I paid so much for this ride and that was it? What a rip off...
But that's being pesimistic about the whole thing. I mean, as Rents said "People think it's all about misery and desperation and death and all that shit which is not to be ignored, but what they forget is the pleasure of it. Otherwise we wouldn't do it. After all, we're not fucking stupid. At least, we're not that fucking stupid. " For me, the pleasure comes in knowing that life isn't all that bad. To see the warning signs of bad things by comparrison, and choose your own path accordingly. Every time I chased Lady D, I could feel a sense of myself, of what I wanted out of life, to move on from hard times because life is about living or else you become the walking dead. The bad was when I used it as an alternative to dealing with the hard times, with all the close deaths, with moving which part of the world home is, the constant fights which turned into viscious cycles, from being love sick to sick of love, being with someone who is pretending to love you back to be polite and the layers of lies that insue, to the subtle corruption and comprimising of yourself to fit in, and the guilt and mental anguish of being the black sheep of the family. These were the issues that I neglected for so long
I guess if I was to take anything from this thought though, it would be that although Lady D will never truly be yours, the chase is a neccessary evil, because at the heart of all of these conflictions comes ambition and drive. I see the world as I want it to be, and when someone takes it away from me, and says "no you can't" I have to reply with "Bullshit, watch me." Within this incredible rage comes the ambition to make things better, to proove that I'm able to do anything I put my fucking mind to. Don't ever call me stupid or unintelligent unless you want to see me proove you wrong. Without this drive I would be a shell of a man, a zombie in a dead world. Vices dont life you out of hell but they can help you see where you want to go, and for the right person can bring the right kind of change of perspective, and the poison becomes a medicine. Abuse it though, and it will leech every last drop of yourself until you are nothing.
I woke up today to the sounds of rain and my phone alerting me that Mike wanted to waste my day today. Apparently he lost his Job as Manager at Metal Militia, which I can't say I didn't see coming. The kid consistently broke simple rules, and clearly his mind was preoccupied with women and splifs as that was all he did at his job (literally). Regardless, there was talk of getting Royally FUCKED today...ALL day. A familiar concept, seeing as I have been doing SOMETHING everyday for a few months now.
So Far I have declined to show up. I guess for the moment, there was a pause in the cycle, and for now I'm trying to stay clean from the merciless soul leechers, the incredulous vices that seem to take more than they give back. The price for expanded consciousness is a dead world upon return to reality. Although my soul thrives off of this sporatic leeching, it cannot sustain itself on long binges without some sort of degradation to body, mind and soul. Especially after you have a shattered heart, and you turn to these vices for comfort and to put the peices back together
The biggest loss that I have become aware of is my creativity. Somewhere down the line of self indulgence in euphoric, mind altering substances, be it drugs, alcohol, worshiping of false musical prophets or lusting after the wrong women (one in particular). I wrapped myself in a smothering blanket of false security, and convinced myself that everything was OK. There was no need to rush ambition or dreams into reality. I was complacent drifting lifelessly away from myself, spinning myself larger and larger webs of lies of what I truley wanted. I forgot how to think, how to act, what to believe in, how to believe in myself and most importantly, I forgot who I was.
I have been chasing Lady Desire for years now. Obsessing over her and what she has to offer. Comprimised, sold and stole everything from myself just to be with her and have her all to myself. How naiive I was to think that I could have her. The reason Lady Desire is so attractive, inspiring, wise, humourous and in all other aspects perfect is because she is unattainable...to everyone. No matter how hard you try she will always be distant. She will always be cold. She will always be a tease. She runs the world with a wave of her hand and turns mountains to sand. Her exotic beauty resembles a chameleon's mistique. Formless and free from constraints. She embodies your deepest darkest secrets. She is a living nightmare, who promises the world in your hand. Like a mirror, she shows me every fantasy as reality. She shows me Inspiration, Beauty, Truth and Free Will. When she leaves, the mirror paints a more gruesome picture, and I am trapped again inside four walls of self loathing, deception and pain...and this is all caused by the damage wrecked onto myself. Blind, Deaf and Mute to my own mind, I try to walk a straight line and mischievously stumble and fall, plummeting toward the jagged rocks of corruption, lies, deceit, sorrow, misery and probable death...
...I used to always wonder what my last thoughts would be when falling to my death. I think it would be exhilerating to have the wind gushing through your entire body and for the while of the freefall, there would have to be an adrenaline kick that would be indescribable, then it would be over and I'd be pissed off at its berevity. I paid so much for this ride and that was it? What a rip off...
But that's being pesimistic about the whole thing. I mean, as Rents said "People think it's all about misery and desperation and death and all that shit which is not to be ignored, but what they forget is the pleasure of it. Otherwise we wouldn't do it. After all, we're not fucking stupid. At least, we're not that fucking stupid. " For me, the pleasure comes in knowing that life isn't all that bad. To see the warning signs of bad things by comparrison, and choose your own path accordingly. Every time I chased Lady D, I could feel a sense of myself, of what I wanted out of life, to move on from hard times because life is about living or else you become the walking dead. The bad was when I used it as an alternative to dealing with the hard times, with all the close deaths, with moving which part of the world home is, the constant fights which turned into viscious cycles, from being love sick to sick of love, being with someone who is pretending to love you back to be polite and the layers of lies that insue, to the subtle corruption and comprimising of yourself to fit in, and the guilt and mental anguish of being the black sheep of the family. These were the issues that I neglected for so long
I guess if I was to take anything from this thought though, it would be that although Lady D will never truly be yours, the chase is a neccessary evil, because at the heart of all of these conflictions comes ambition and drive. I see the world as I want it to be, and when someone takes it away from me, and says "no you can't" I have to reply with "Bullshit, watch me." Within this incredible rage comes the ambition to make things better, to proove that I'm able to do anything I put my fucking mind to. Don't ever call me stupid or unintelligent unless you want to see me proove you wrong. Without this drive I would be a shell of a man, a zombie in a dead world. Vices dont life you out of hell but they can help you see where you want to go, and for the right person can bring the right kind of change of perspective, and the poison becomes a medicine. Abuse it though, and it will leech every last drop of yourself until you are nothing.