Boys, boys, boys...
When you think about the relationships you've had over the years. You think about the good times and the bad. The things you have learned. The things you have taught. What you want in a relationship and what you don't want.
I have often, recently, wondered if I am meant to be alone. Or, is there something in my personality that is unattractive. Or, if i am just too independent and i freak out because i am afraid someone might want to actually take care of me. Or is it that i don't sleep with guys right away? I just don't know.
Oddly enough, all of my boyfriends of the past have showed up in one way or another in the last month.
Briley will be the first guy i ever was IN love with. Slowly, over the years i have let him go. Even though he didn't treat me well, he will always hold a special place in my heart. The last attachment i had to him...well, that's not true. i am still friends with his mom on facebook, but she barely talks to him. But the last attachment i had to him, was that we were friends on XBOX360 and last month i realized her had deleted me. It hurt a little. not going to lie. but he has a new life with his wife in new york and i was thinking about deleting him any way. it was just taking me longer. So, i think after that i am finally free of him and while i think of him from time to time, i am a better person for it.
Next, my 30th birthday, randomly Paul shows up. Which i thought was weird, but bygons. It was nice to show that i am the bigger person and i have forgiven him for treating me poorly as well.
And lastly of my three serious relationships, Blake. I feel like i've always regretted not staying in touch with him. and even though we were young when we dated, he will always be the first boy i ever loved. And he always treated me well. It's going to sound contradictory, but i didn't break up with him because i wanted to break up with him. i broke up with him because i wanted to break up with Crystal. He always chose her over me. He always invited her when we were supposed to hang out. If she was in a bad mood, he was in a bad mood. If she didn't want to go somewhere, he didn't want to go. And i deserved better than that. i deserved to be chosen first and he could not do that in that time in his life. The reason i say that is because while i think of Blake often, JB texted me saying that she ran into him last weekend and he asked about me and had some star trek theories for me. And since then, i have been hoping he would call me or text me, so we could reconnect. JB says we are kindred spirits and i feel that way too. It was always easy with him. He never judged me. He never got mad at me. He would tease with me and genuinely loved me just for me. And what's better than that is the fact that we could nerd out together and he didn't judge me for that either.
I wonder if all these years later, we would still connect like that. I wonder if he was one of those one season guys or one of those guys that gets better with age and we both just needed to grow up and come back to our friendship.
I told JB to give him my number. I don't know if she did. I hope she did. I would really love to talk to him.
I guess only time will well.
I have often, recently, wondered if I am meant to be alone. Or, is there something in my personality that is unattractive. Or, if i am just too independent and i freak out because i am afraid someone might want to actually take care of me. Or is it that i don't sleep with guys right away? I just don't know.
Oddly enough, all of my boyfriends of the past have showed up in one way or another in the last month.
Briley will be the first guy i ever was IN love with. Slowly, over the years i have let him go. Even though he didn't treat me well, he will always hold a special place in my heart. The last attachment i had to him...well, that's not true. i am still friends with his mom on facebook, but she barely talks to him. But the last attachment i had to him, was that we were friends on XBOX360 and last month i realized her had deleted me. It hurt a little. not going to lie. but he has a new life with his wife in new york and i was thinking about deleting him any way. it was just taking me longer. So, i think after that i am finally free of him and while i think of him from time to time, i am a better person for it.
Next, my 30th birthday, randomly Paul shows up. Which i thought was weird, but bygons. It was nice to show that i am the bigger person and i have forgiven him for treating me poorly as well.
And lastly of my three serious relationships, Blake. I feel like i've always regretted not staying in touch with him. and even though we were young when we dated, he will always be the first boy i ever loved. And he always treated me well. It's going to sound contradictory, but i didn't break up with him because i wanted to break up with him. i broke up with him because i wanted to break up with Crystal. He always chose her over me. He always invited her when we were supposed to hang out. If she was in a bad mood, he was in a bad mood. If she didn't want to go somewhere, he didn't want to go. And i deserved better than that. i deserved to be chosen first and he could not do that in that time in his life. The reason i say that is because while i think of Blake often, JB texted me saying that she ran into him last weekend and he asked about me and had some star trek theories for me. And since then, i have been hoping he would call me or text me, so we could reconnect. JB says we are kindred spirits and i feel that way too. It was always easy with him. He never judged me. He never got mad at me. He would tease with me and genuinely loved me just for me. And what's better than that is the fact that we could nerd out together and he didn't judge me for that either.
I wonder if all these years later, we would still connect like that. I wonder if he was one of those one season guys or one of those guys that gets better with age and we both just needed to grow up and come back to our friendship.
I told JB to give him my number. I don't know if she did. I hope she did. I would really love to talk to him.
I guess only time will well.