Is it considered trash talk if its to yourself?
I remember when livejournal was everything to me. Pouring my soul into this online journal seemed like the only time I had power of my thoughts. When I felt like my voice mattered. Ah, the dark ages of being a heart broken teenager. Even now, throughout the last ten or so years occasionally journaling I am 98% of the time bitching about life and what is bothering me this day. I really should by a pen and paper journal again and write every night. I used to write multiple times a day. Entries, short stories, poems on poems on poems. I miss writing, I think it would help get a lot of my thoughts out that just build up for no reason. Lately I can't thank God enough for Jeremy and the power of xanax. I have to call and make an appointment soon for a therapist. It just seems so stupid to me. Why do I need to go talk to some stranger because I can't get my anxiety under control lately? I should be able to just figure it out on my own. I know I am stressed lately and don't have a person at the moment to vent too. Not about everything. I don't need pity and I don't need to take away others happiness because of what is going on in my life. Also, selfishly, I don't want to hear about the other persons problems and how they may be worse off than me. Its not a competition. I don't think my life is terrible, just has some speed bumps right now.
A big speed bump is the fact that I can't get pregnant. I haven't been able to get pregnant for 2 years. Two years Jeremy and I have been trying. I told him once I hit the two year mark I would be getting tested. What if, God forbid, I actually can't get pregnant? What if I will just forever be in aunt territory. It's all I've wanted for the last two years. We have been taking ovulation tests and taking a pill that is suppose to start regulating my cycle but nothing has worked so far. I keep it well hidden, except to Jeremy, because people don't want to hear how you want a baby and can't get pregnant. Or they also never fucking stop asking you if you are pregnant, if you have tried this this this this this this this this. No you are not helping. Also because we have been trying for two years and I have been researching everything about pregnancies and doctors, that my friends who have done ZERO research and use google as their main source also for some unknown reason ask me questions and advice because I have actually tried being prepared. I know that sounds bitter. I'm not bitter, I am over the moon when someone gets pregnant who deserves a baby. But COME ON! Why me? Call someone who has actually had a baby or call you fucking doctor. Get off google and call your doctor.
Girls night out is killing me right now too. It is so much to plan such a large trip for a big group, or small group, depends on who decides to come. Also with Rachel being pregnant and her due date being the literal weekend we chose I might have to change the date. Don't know when to chagne it because she could go early or late. And, it already sounds like shes probably not going. Selfish Sarah is pissy about it. There's nothing we can do about the due date. Hooray we are having a baby. Lets move the date not a big deal. Its this sneak suspicion I have right now that shes just not going to go. And that's the problem. Because I am still salty all these years. We are never going to go to Vegas together. She made all these promises of Vegas, New York, Florida and they all fell through. Vegas hurt more than anything. I saved and saved to buy her an ipod so it could compare to her buying me a plane ticket. She never did. But she did go to Vegas twice without me. So gald she could make the trip with Brian. But what I have learned but will never understand, anything goes for Brian. I'm just being selfish and I know it. I just really would like her to go. I'm really hoping her family pulls it together and will watch the baby and help Jon if he needs it. And she's talking about paying on her own without going wtih the group which will be a lot more expensive than going with us, so I have a feeling that will be another factor of her saying, "We just can't afford it"
Work is also kicking my ass. We are so so busy. Which makes the day go by fast but I have so much I want to get done at home that when I get home finally at 7-7:30 I am just exhausted after dinner. And that stresses me out putting everything a side and waiting for the busy weekend that is non stop and i have no time for the weekend to do any of it. There is not enough time for the way I am living my life. I need to slow down. I also need to start telling people no and not feeling guilty about it when I do. I bought myself a planner which will be waiting for me when I get home and I am going to have one designated night for social events and then I will start saying no to the rest. It will help me save money too.
I feel so much better after this half hour of writing, maybe I will continue to write on my lunch breaks.
A big speed bump is the fact that I can't get pregnant. I haven't been able to get pregnant for 2 years. Two years Jeremy and I have been trying. I told him once I hit the two year mark I would be getting tested. What if, God forbid, I actually can't get pregnant? What if I will just forever be in aunt territory. It's all I've wanted for the last two years. We have been taking ovulation tests and taking a pill that is suppose to start regulating my cycle but nothing has worked so far. I keep it well hidden, except to Jeremy, because people don't want to hear how you want a baby and can't get pregnant. Or they also never fucking stop asking you if you are pregnant, if you have tried this this this this this this this this. No you are not helping. Also because we have been trying for two years and I have been researching everything about pregnancies and doctors, that my friends who have done ZERO research and use google as their main source also for some unknown reason ask me questions and advice because I have actually tried being prepared. I know that sounds bitter. I'm not bitter, I am over the moon when someone gets pregnant who deserves a baby. But COME ON! Why me? Call someone who has actually had a baby or call you fucking doctor. Get off google and call your doctor.
Girls night out is killing me right now too. It is so much to plan such a large trip for a big group, or small group, depends on who decides to come. Also with Rachel being pregnant and her due date being the literal weekend we chose I might have to change the date. Don't know when to chagne it because she could go early or late. And, it already sounds like shes probably not going. Selfish Sarah is pissy about it. There's nothing we can do about the due date. Hooray we are having a baby. Lets move the date not a big deal. Its this sneak suspicion I have right now that shes just not going to go. And that's the problem. Because I am still salty all these years. We are never going to go to Vegas together. She made all these promises of Vegas, New York, Florida and they all fell through. Vegas hurt more than anything. I saved and saved to buy her an ipod so it could compare to her buying me a plane ticket. She never did. But she did go to Vegas twice without me. So gald she could make the trip with Brian. But what I have learned but will never understand, anything goes for Brian. I'm just being selfish and I know it. I just really would like her to go. I'm really hoping her family pulls it together and will watch the baby and help Jon if he needs it. And she's talking about paying on her own without going wtih the group which will be a lot more expensive than going with us, so I have a feeling that will be another factor of her saying, "We just can't afford it"
Work is also kicking my ass. We are so so busy. Which makes the day go by fast but I have so much I want to get done at home that when I get home finally at 7-7:30 I am just exhausted after dinner. And that stresses me out putting everything a side and waiting for the busy weekend that is non stop and i have no time for the weekend to do any of it. There is not enough time for the way I am living my life. I need to slow down. I also need to start telling people no and not feeling guilty about it when I do. I bought myself a planner which will be waiting for me when I get home and I am going to have one designated night for social events and then I will start saying no to the rest. It will help me save money too.
I feel so much better after this half hour of writing, maybe I will continue to write on my lunch breaks.