(no subject)
so today is my first day of work at Hot Topic. It should be fun, i'm excited. all the employees i met at the meeting are pretty awesome. it should be work but good times too.
tomorrow i'm leaving early in the afternoon to go and meet up with my Shana and then we are hopping a bus to her parents for the next three days. then we are comming back to philly on friday, she's getting homework out of the way, and then back to my apartment so we'll be in the area for kung fu on saturday morning. it's awesome she made it in. i'm excited to practice and learn with her and to be able to play around in the future. her uniform is going to be awesome when it gets here. it will be different than all of ours since she is the only girl, but the girls style of outfit is pretty cool. i talked to my sister today and it looks like she wont' be comming up from florida after all, so i might be going down to see her after christmas after all. maybe i can work something out and i can drag Shana down there with me. that would be awesome.
i was kind of upset, really bothered actually, last night after i found something out. it may or may not be true, i was told it isn't, but then i'll never know for sure anyway. that's the nature of the beast. i've been there before and tried to trust and it only came back to bite me in the ass hardcore. i know there is nothing i can do but trust, but it sucks when you always have to doubt life because of things that were done to you in the past. you always feel like it is going to happen again, and when things don't add up you start to freak. but i know that will only destroy me. it sucks but it's almost like the only other option instead of fear is expectation. but who wants to sit around and expect things to go to shit? i did that all the time, i usually do, but now that things are good i don't want to think like that. i don't want to count on the person to not only let me down but take advantage of my trust. trust is something everyone says you have to have but is only a gateway for bad to slip in while you have your head purposefully turned the other way. ugh... sucks... what can you do? i suppose hope for the best, (as stupid as hope is), while expecting the worst. but i don't want to expect the worse. i just want things to be optimal with no setbacks. i want to be happy while being worry free. i hate worrying or being afraid. wyatt said it best even though i thought about it before and i'm not satisfied with it, that you can only wait and let things develop and hope after time that things prove themselves to you to be spectacular and good. i hate time. i just want to feel safe again. some things in life are unforgivable, because they are unfixable and close to permanent. those things that haunt you daily. for anyone out there with permanent emotional scar tissue, i feel your pain.
hm... love...
"you could slit my throat, and with my dying breath i'd appologize for bleeding on your shirt..."
tomorrow i'm leaving early in the afternoon to go and meet up with my Shana and then we are hopping a bus to her parents for the next three days. then we are comming back to philly on friday, she's getting homework out of the way, and then back to my apartment so we'll be in the area for kung fu on saturday morning. it's awesome she made it in. i'm excited to practice and learn with her and to be able to play around in the future. her uniform is going to be awesome when it gets here. it will be different than all of ours since she is the only girl, but the girls style of outfit is pretty cool. i talked to my sister today and it looks like she wont' be comming up from florida after all, so i might be going down to see her after christmas after all. maybe i can work something out and i can drag Shana down there with me. that would be awesome.
i was kind of upset, really bothered actually, last night after i found something out. it may or may not be true, i was told it isn't, but then i'll never know for sure anyway. that's the nature of the beast. i've been there before and tried to trust and it only came back to bite me in the ass hardcore. i know there is nothing i can do but trust, but it sucks when you always have to doubt life because of things that were done to you in the past. you always feel like it is going to happen again, and when things don't add up you start to freak. but i know that will only destroy me. it sucks but it's almost like the only other option instead of fear is expectation. but who wants to sit around and expect things to go to shit? i did that all the time, i usually do, but now that things are good i don't want to think like that. i don't want to count on the person to not only let me down but take advantage of my trust. trust is something everyone says you have to have but is only a gateway for bad to slip in while you have your head purposefully turned the other way. ugh... sucks... what can you do? i suppose hope for the best, (as stupid as hope is), while expecting the worst. but i don't want to expect the worse. i just want things to be optimal with no setbacks. i want to be happy while being worry free. i hate worrying or being afraid. wyatt said it best even though i thought about it before and i'm not satisfied with it, that you can only wait and let things develop and hope after time that things prove themselves to you to be spectacular and good. i hate time. i just want to feel safe again. some things in life are unforgivable, because they are unfixable and close to permanent. those things that haunt you daily. for anyone out there with permanent emotional scar tissue, i feel your pain.
hm... love...
"you could slit my throat, and with my dying breath i'd appologize for bleeding on your shirt..."