"but what is love if not exquisite ,our only saving grace ,or is it?"
so I just got back from the bar and had a very sad talk with jimmy. his gradmother is going. she's on her way out and I promised if he called me tomorrow that I would go with him to visit her aslong as I could be back in time for the complexity II meeting. I also I promised that I would be there when ever it happened. I mean it too. No one came to be by my side when my grammy died and I had her service. Paul didn't even come. I asked him to and he didn't come. I still cry about her, I almost did in the car ride home tonight talking to Kasey about jimmy and his siguation and than talking about mine. I miss you so much grammy. you don't even know. I pushed myself so had at school for you. I wanted to make you proud of me like the way you were for the rest of your grandchildren. I want to make something of myself because of you and mommy and daddy. I want my family to be proud of me and my friends to be proud that they are my friends I don't want to be just anyone. I'm sick of being just anyone.
Speaking of being just anyone........
I miss that excited feeling when you know that your going to see someone that you have been dying to see. I miss the butterflies. I wanna be something to someone. and I know that alot of people will say things like" kristen you mean alot to me". I want to say thank you now, buit that's not what I meant and you all know it. I want someone to have butterflies when they know that they are gonna see me too. but that doesn't happen anymore. I guess I just don't excite people anymore. I don't excite anyone.
I listened to some nine inch nails today and some ani d. today, and for some reason, maybe it my period, but I understand how worthless yet again I am. I just want to go forth and work in my profession and I can't find a job in it yet. so fucking aggraveting.
I wanna feel like this song.........
she was hungry so hungry
and she was trying to think clear
but she kept opening the fridge door
and looking at the mustard and the beer
and then finally she went out into the rain
carrying her bicycle chain
and her feet worked the pedals
while her appetite steered
and after that she just followed her nose
cuz fate is not just whose cooking smells good
but which way the wind blows
she laid down in her party dress and never got up
needless to say she missed the party
she just got sad
then she got stuck
she was wincing like something brittle
trying hard to bend
she was numb with the terror
of losing her best friend
but she never sees things changing
she only sees them ending
and some vicious whispering voice
keeps saying you have no choice
cuz when i look at you i squint
you are that beautiful
and my pussy is a tractor
and this is a tractor pull
i'm haunted by my illicit, explicit dreams
and i can't really wake up
so i just drift in between
thinking the glass is half empty
and thinking it's not quite full
the pouring rain is no place for a bicycle ride
try to hit the breaks
and you slide
and you slide
and you slide
mostly the lines
" she was wincing like something brittle trying hard to bend"
and
" cause when I look at you I squit you are that beautiful"
god I want to feel like that again......... I guess I just want to feel again... i want something I get so jelouse of people and their feelings so much. I want to feel, why won't anyone let me???? why. why oh why can't I feel somwthing again. all I did was love paul and now one else will let me feel for them love them. I'm more than open to thoughts on this.. someone please tell me why. I want to feel something. why is it that anyone I want to feel something for backs away and pertends that I'm not there. that I never could have been anything.I know of a few people who "acted" like they wanted to be something in there lives and now I am barely there?? why is that. huh??? any one?? no one??? that figures. no one can give me an answer on that. I'm not even looking for the love of my life, because at this point I've begun to believe that I don't have a true love, I'm just looking for someone to care, even if it's just for awhile. someone to give me some meaning again. I'd give anything for a kiss that means more than a garentee of getting some for the night. does it push you away because I say things like that?? does it?? maybe it does. but atleast I'm honest about it unlike others that you have known before, and unlike those that you know now. I'd rather lie next to someone that cares with their arm carlessly thrown over me, with their body next to mine. feeling the warmth, than to feel the sensation that a night of good sex brings. I'm so dead fucking serious when I say that too.
god it's only 1:00 am and I feel like I've been out hoping for someone to pick up on my emotions all night...
Kasey just talked to you and I want you to know that I love you and your most def. one of the best people to come into my life. you make me care about "hell" oh i mean metuchen and you make me feel at home... no matter when I am. I am so proud and so happy to know that you are one of my friends. so ummm... in cunclusion....Kasey rocks like noones fucking business
oh a few other things I have to say....... thanks to everyone that has congradualted me on light brigade and on graduating.
plus...........Kelly you fucking rock like Bon jovi....I'm so glad we became friends and can hang out and talk and bullshit all we want. I love you and benton together....it makes me happy to see you two together.... thank you for things you'll never even know that you made me feel good about and thank you for the text you sent me the other morning. I never got back to you...l.but I ment to I'm just a fucking tool.
stephen..........baby, my love, my most bestest brother/sista ever. I missyou sooooooooooooooo much and I want nothing but the best for you and I hate to say it but spiro is not the best for you.. the best for you has not come along yet but when he does you will know. I love you and I hope that it's enough for know. I can't wait till you come home. we should lay in bed and watch movies and drink wine. best night ever .
I only have a sip of beer left so I need to go get another drink... I guess sloe gin and o.j. is the answer.
tracey called me tonight and she was really sad. she said she would call me back but she hasen't. I hope she does soon. i miss her. she is my bestest friend ever. tear.......... I'm really gonna cry......good lordy I miss her.
I'll be back in a few time for another drink and another call to tracey......... " second intermission
anticipation
you know the third act
small talk drops out of the play
you're standing in the lobby
tightening your tourniquet
waiting for it "
hmmmmmmmm.............
I'm getting really sick.... plus I have my period ........bad fucking times........ makes me crazier than I was.
I kinda hope that I'm dying...isn't that sad....... rehtorical no need to answer..... sometimes I feel that if I die I'll know who cared. I know that I have more livies coming. you live till you life ends up perfect and as of yet I haven't found a perfect life and yet to find a love I can stay with. I've had dreams about true loves of my lives. but something always happens. they have died or I have died. one day I will find my true love in this life. it's like I go through the same people over and over. one particular. others I've met once before... but god knows they are not the kind of people to believe things like that. not even paul believed me when I told him of our past relasonships... I know they were real though.........I've also drempt of gogs and one other person...... but the other person will never come around because they are to used to sticking to what they know and I don't want to get stuck in the middle of being the rebound or being the girl that ruined the last thing for them. this person needs to know that it's time for them to do their thing and explore outside of what they always look for. because just maybe the next step in life isn't inside the box they always open...........
I'm so cold........am I always cold?
sneeze,........sneeze,.........sneeze......... I'm I catching my death?? godI hope so..........
here's that depressing journal entry I promised. just takes a few drinks to make me feel like the world around me is ending or just begining........such a shame it hasn't begun in a long time........ where has time gone. it's been so long since you last paid attention to me as someone who mattered. I know your busy and doing that whole life thing.... I'm cool with that, but I just wish you would think about me every now and than. I know you don't I know that you think about her and that sucks. I wish at least someone was thinking about me......... But I think I would know if they were, so I guess no one is thinking about me and I dream to dream to keep kyself sane and hopeful. not so bad right??? well I don't know what else to say right now.........so I'm gonna go till I feel lost again........maybe in ten minutes maybe tomorrow night.
I leave you with this because well I guess that this is me.........
" i am not a pretty girl
that is not what i do
i ain't no damsel in distress
and i don't need to be rescued
so put me down punk
maybe you'd prefer a maiden fair
isn't there a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere"
one day some one will realizez that and take me for how I am.........
Speaking of being just anyone........
I miss that excited feeling when you know that your going to see someone that you have been dying to see. I miss the butterflies. I wanna be something to someone. and I know that alot of people will say things like" kristen you mean alot to me". I want to say thank you now, buit that's not what I meant and you all know it. I want someone to have butterflies when they know that they are gonna see me too. but that doesn't happen anymore. I guess I just don't excite people anymore. I don't excite anyone.
I listened to some nine inch nails today and some ani d. today, and for some reason, maybe it my period, but I understand how worthless yet again I am. I just want to go forth and work in my profession and I can't find a job in it yet. so fucking aggraveting.
I wanna feel like this song.........
she was hungry so hungry
and she was trying to think clear
but she kept opening the fridge door
and looking at the mustard and the beer
and then finally she went out into the rain
carrying her bicycle chain
and her feet worked the pedals
while her appetite steered
and after that she just followed her nose
cuz fate is not just whose cooking smells good
but which way the wind blows
she laid down in her party dress and never got up
needless to say she missed the party
she just got sad
then she got stuck
she was wincing like something brittle
trying hard to bend
she was numb with the terror
of losing her best friend
but she never sees things changing
she only sees them ending
and some vicious whispering voice
keeps saying you have no choice
cuz when i look at you i squint
you are that beautiful
and my pussy is a tractor
and this is a tractor pull
i'm haunted by my illicit, explicit dreams
and i can't really wake up
so i just drift in between
thinking the glass is half empty
and thinking it's not quite full
the pouring rain is no place for a bicycle ride
try to hit the breaks
and you slide
and you slide
and you slide
mostly the lines
" she was wincing like something brittle trying hard to bend"
and
" cause when I look at you I squit you are that beautiful"
god I want to feel like that again......... I guess I just want to feel again... i want something I get so jelouse of people and their feelings so much. I want to feel, why won't anyone let me???? why. why oh why can't I feel somwthing again. all I did was love paul and now one else will let me feel for them love them. I'm more than open to thoughts on this.. someone please tell me why. I want to feel something. why is it that anyone I want to feel something for backs away and pertends that I'm not there. that I never could have been anything.I know of a few people who "acted" like they wanted to be something in there lives and now I am barely there?? why is that. huh??? any one?? no one??? that figures. no one can give me an answer on that. I'm not even looking for the love of my life, because at this point I've begun to believe that I don't have a true love, I'm just looking for someone to care, even if it's just for awhile. someone to give me some meaning again. I'd give anything for a kiss that means more than a garentee of getting some for the night. does it push you away because I say things like that?? does it?? maybe it does. but atleast I'm honest about it unlike others that you have known before, and unlike those that you know now. I'd rather lie next to someone that cares with their arm carlessly thrown over me, with their body next to mine. feeling the warmth, than to feel the sensation that a night of good sex brings. I'm so dead fucking serious when I say that too.
god it's only 1:00 am and I feel like I've been out hoping for someone to pick up on my emotions all night...
Kasey just talked to you and I want you to know that I love you and your most def. one of the best people to come into my life. you make me care about "hell" oh i mean metuchen and you make me feel at home... no matter when I am. I am so proud and so happy to know that you are one of my friends. so ummm... in cunclusion....Kasey rocks like noones fucking business
oh a few other things I have to say....... thanks to everyone that has congradualted me on light brigade and on graduating.
plus...........Kelly you fucking rock like Bon jovi....I'm so glad we became friends and can hang out and talk and bullshit all we want. I love you and benton together....it makes me happy to see you two together.... thank you for things you'll never even know that you made me feel good about and thank you for the text you sent me the other morning. I never got back to you...l.but I ment to I'm just a fucking tool.
stephen..........baby, my love, my most bestest brother/sista ever. I missyou sooooooooooooooo much and I want nothing but the best for you and I hate to say it but spiro is not the best for you.. the best for you has not come along yet but when he does you will know. I love you and I hope that it's enough for know. I can't wait till you come home. we should lay in bed and watch movies and drink wine. best night ever .
I only have a sip of beer left so I need to go get another drink... I guess sloe gin and o.j. is the answer.
tracey called me tonight and she was really sad. she said she would call me back but she hasen't. I hope she does soon. i miss her. she is my bestest friend ever. tear.......... I'm really gonna cry......good lordy I miss her.
I'll be back in a few time for another drink and another call to tracey......... " second intermission
anticipation
you know the third act
small talk drops out of the play
you're standing in the lobby
tightening your tourniquet
waiting for it "
hmmmmmmmm.............
I'm getting really sick.... plus I have my period ........bad fucking times........ makes me crazier than I was.
I kinda hope that I'm dying...isn't that sad....... rehtorical no need to answer..... sometimes I feel that if I die I'll know who cared. I know that I have more livies coming. you live till you life ends up perfect and as of yet I haven't found a perfect life and yet to find a love I can stay with. I've had dreams about true loves of my lives. but something always happens. they have died or I have died. one day I will find my true love in this life. it's like I go through the same people over and over. one particular. others I've met once before... but god knows they are not the kind of people to believe things like that. not even paul believed me when I told him of our past relasonships... I know they were real though.........I've also drempt of gogs and one other person...... but the other person will never come around because they are to used to sticking to what they know and I don't want to get stuck in the middle of being the rebound or being the girl that ruined the last thing for them. this person needs to know that it's time for them to do their thing and explore outside of what they always look for. because just maybe the next step in life isn't inside the box they always open...........
I'm so cold........am I always cold?
sneeze,........sneeze,.........sneeze......... I'm I catching my death?? godI hope so..........
here's that depressing journal entry I promised. just takes a few drinks to make me feel like the world around me is ending or just begining........such a shame it hasn't begun in a long time........ where has time gone. it's been so long since you last paid attention to me as someone who mattered. I know your busy and doing that whole life thing.... I'm cool with that, but I just wish you would think about me every now and than. I know you don't I know that you think about her and that sucks. I wish at least someone was thinking about me......... But I think I would know if they were, so I guess no one is thinking about me and I dream to dream to keep kyself sane and hopeful. not so bad right??? well I don't know what else to say right now.........so I'm gonna go till I feel lost again........maybe in ten minutes maybe tomorrow night.
I leave you with this because well I guess that this is me.........
" i am not a pretty girl
that is not what i do
i ain't no damsel in distress
and i don't need to be rescued
so put me down punk
maybe you'd prefer a maiden fair
isn't there a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere"
one day some one will realizez that and take me for how I am.........