" then you'll see jsut how easy it is to please me"
I want to thank every one who has gotten in touch with me via e-mail or phone calls about my last 2 entries, it really has touched me to the point of crying with everything that has been said and been done. And I wish I could say that things are better and easier because this morning I woke up feeling fab. and it was because of a dream I had where I was loved, but I still feel so lost. and now that it's 2 something in the morning and I am once again going to bed alone, it still kills me. I feel lost, confused, worthless. I just want to know because knowing will atleast leave me somewhere. I want you to be happy I want you to be one with your music, I want you to be free of all the bullshit and nonsence you have to deal with to get to where you want. but I still remember a time when you told me that you loved me BECAUSE i was fucking crazy. I am crazy I can't help it and you are part of the reason I am that way. you make me crazy in the best ways. you make me crazy in the worst ways. is this a plan to see how much I can take or a plan to make sure I never will talk to you again. I wish I could at least have one last finalized moment where I know that I will never be thought of again and never be a part of again. if you never want me in you life again.............. I dont even know how to handle that. if feel like I'm dying and it's been so slow and so painfull. I don't know what to do. I want to call you at least twice a day and I keep myself from doing so, and about 3 times a day I want to erase your phone number so I don't call you and bother you because, twice a day is too much to think about calling you. I'm lucky if I get through a day of not thinking about you 6 or 7 times a day for an hour at a time. was if really all worth it to now know that you could and would just walk away??? like I wasn't there for the year of us that just past. what about all the times before. what about all the I love yous??? where are they now. god I wish you would talk to me. I don't want to be lost any more at least tell me I don't have a chance or that I never will again. because I keep on finding this hope, and that hope has your name written all over it. are you really that far gone????