......
and so i find myself left on this desolate cement porch of a long row of metro-suburban homes. And this, this is when it finally becomes clear to me about everything that's going on. Maybe it started with the rather miserable pep ralley, being lost in a sea of sophmores and freshmen on the way to the bus- or when I saw Fredd walking off with Pamas & company. But nothing seemed to occur to me until the moment the buses left and i realized i'd end up at a friends' house having to borrow a phone to call my father to pick me up since i've been conveinantly grounded for the next few weeks. And so i fall asleep on the bus, which is by far, today, the emptiest bus i've ridden home on -ever. Sinking into one of those dreamless bus trances i suddenly awake for seemingly no reason at all. I look around and panic hits. I cannot recognise where i am. Biting my lip i assume i've missed the stop and will have to tell the rather disgruntled-looking busdriver that indeed she will be forced to later take me back to the stop. And then as if by miracle, i realize where i am-
as if this pseudo-amnesia spell has finally passed and suddenly i again realize (always realizing) that i am going to be walking to Fredd's alone. So i walk. As if today hasn't been slightly off beat I notice everything is gray- or a shade of gray. This gray-covered sky seems to cast an uncanny glowing gray shadow over everything. Thinking back on my day, everything seems gray, it's like one of those weird dredams where everything is one color, or a shade of that color. And instead of waking up i'm waking into this - dream. And i'm driven by the tapping of my feet on empty concrete that seems to extend endlessly thru this silent suburbia. That pseudo-amnesia thing hits again and i can't remember where i am- or where fredd's house is. Then amnesia clears up and is replaced by that feeling of returning to a place you haven't been in ages and everything is unfamiliar. And i keep walking through this tunnel of iridescent gray. tap. tap. tap. I want to keep walking just to hear my feet hit the pavement, but am propelled to fredd's front door by the numbers on the mailbox. I ring the doorbell. no response. rather odd b/c someone is ALWAYS home. but oh no. not today. I turn around and face the street. still gray. still empty. s t i l l . And i know i am utterly alone - no cell phone. No anything. No way of contact. A tear trickles down my cheek and i pause - green suddenly breaches this world of gray. ... As if God has flicked on some green switch. And i sigh. That heavy feeling in my chest is still there. I guess it really doesn't matter. So i sink down on cold cement and begin to write furiously. Every word brings this abstract gray world into a faded offset type. kids come out. The rain comes, and washes away pieces of gray. But in small sprinkles, only enough to grab my attention as it falls haphazardly as odd intervals.
...
And i have no idea what to do.
My legs say walk. My brain says to write before i go crazy. And for the first time, my heart says nothing at all.
as if this pseudo-amnesia spell has finally passed and suddenly i again realize (always realizing) that i am going to be walking to Fredd's alone. So i walk. As if today hasn't been slightly off beat I notice everything is gray- or a shade of gray. This gray-covered sky seems to cast an uncanny glowing gray shadow over everything. Thinking back on my day, everything seems gray, it's like one of those weird dredams where everything is one color, or a shade of that color. And instead of waking up i'm waking into this - dream. And i'm driven by the tapping of my feet on empty concrete that seems to extend endlessly thru this silent suburbia. That pseudo-amnesia thing hits again and i can't remember where i am- or where fredd's house is. Then amnesia clears up and is replaced by that feeling of returning to a place you haven't been in ages and everything is unfamiliar. And i keep walking through this tunnel of iridescent gray. tap. tap. tap. I want to keep walking just to hear my feet hit the pavement, but am propelled to fredd's front door by the numbers on the mailbox. I ring the doorbell. no response. rather odd b/c someone is ALWAYS home. but oh no. not today. I turn around and face the street. still gray. still empty. s t i l l . And i know i am utterly alone - no cell phone. No anything. No way of contact. A tear trickles down my cheek and i pause - green suddenly breaches this world of gray. ... As if God has flicked on some green switch. And i sigh. That heavy feeling in my chest is still there. I guess it really doesn't matter. So i sink down on cold cement and begin to write furiously. Every word brings this abstract gray world into a faded offset type. kids come out. The rain comes, and washes away pieces of gray. But in small sprinkles, only enough to grab my attention as it falls haphazardly as odd intervals.
...
And i have no idea what to do.
My legs say walk. My brain says to write before i go crazy. And for the first time, my heart says nothing at all.