I'll just open up good ol' eljay and start typing.
So Kendall burned the Buzz Ballads compilation for me. And I've been sitting on my couch today with my laptop and singing at the top of my lungs. It's awesome. =o)
The car is broked again. It wouldn't start this morning, so we had it towed to the shop. At least I have another vehicle to use while it's in. And I'm off of work today and tomorrow.
For like the last week I've been feeling the huge urge to get wasted. Amazingly fucked up. Drunk off my ass. I've been trying to ignore it, and it's been working mostly as long as I remind myself of the hangovers I'll experience in the morning. But it's SO HARD to not let myself go out and binge. I'm trying to be past that part of my life. I feel so much better physically and more mentally stable when I stay away from alcohol. I can't go out and drink every night like I used to. Fuck, I feel so old, so tame. I was afraid this would happen- as soon as I turn 21, I stop going out and drinking. What a nerd. But I have to remind myself every day that it has to be like this if I don't want to spiral out of control again. It takes so much fucking self control to stay on top of my mood swings. It's a conscious decision every day. I know it has to be done, but it's just not as fun to stay in at night instead of staying at the bar until 3am.
I wonder if I'll have to think like this every day of my life. I wonder when I'll slip up. I wonder how far I will fall. I know it will happen someday and I won't be able to stop it. Because that's how this disease works. I have to talk myself down when I start feeling that energy pulsing and buzzing in my veins. When my palms start tingling. When I'm uncomfortable in my own skin. When I have every thought in the world running in my head, but I can't slow them down enough to make any sense of them. When I feel that I know all the answers to the universe, and that I was sent to spread them to the rest of the world... and I don't even realize that it's crazy to think like that until it passes. It all starts off feeling so good. The electricity inside me, the energy I have. Coming up with new and complex plans that I will never follow through. The feeling that I have a purpose much greater than I could have ever realized until then. Pursuing anything that will result in temporary satisfaction, no matter what the consequences later - excessive spending, binge drinking, sex with strangers, etc.
All of this climbing so high to the top of the mountain only to teeter on the edge and fall off into a black hole, lost, scared, lonely, sad, embarrassed. I don't want to talk about this now, but I'm sure that if you wait around in about a year you can read all about that.
At least I'm finally being able to put words to all of these feelings. I feel a little more validated knowing that I'm not alone out there.
The car is broked again. It wouldn't start this morning, so we had it towed to the shop. At least I have another vehicle to use while it's in. And I'm off of work today and tomorrow.
For like the last week I've been feeling the huge urge to get wasted. Amazingly fucked up. Drunk off my ass. I've been trying to ignore it, and it's been working mostly as long as I remind myself of the hangovers I'll experience in the morning. But it's SO HARD to not let myself go out and binge. I'm trying to be past that part of my life. I feel so much better physically and more mentally stable when I stay away from alcohol. I can't go out and drink every night like I used to. Fuck, I feel so old, so tame. I was afraid this would happen- as soon as I turn 21, I stop going out and drinking. What a nerd. But I have to remind myself every day that it has to be like this if I don't want to spiral out of control again. It takes so much fucking self control to stay on top of my mood swings. It's a conscious decision every day. I know it has to be done, but it's just not as fun to stay in at night instead of staying at the bar until 3am.
I wonder if I'll have to think like this every day of my life. I wonder when I'll slip up. I wonder how far I will fall. I know it will happen someday and I won't be able to stop it. Because that's how this disease works. I have to talk myself down when I start feeling that energy pulsing and buzzing in my veins. When my palms start tingling. When I'm uncomfortable in my own skin. When I have every thought in the world running in my head, but I can't slow them down enough to make any sense of them. When I feel that I know all the answers to the universe, and that I was sent to spread them to the rest of the world... and I don't even realize that it's crazy to think like that until it passes. It all starts off feeling so good. The electricity inside me, the energy I have. Coming up with new and complex plans that I will never follow through. The feeling that I have a purpose much greater than I could have ever realized until then. Pursuing anything that will result in temporary satisfaction, no matter what the consequences later - excessive spending, binge drinking, sex with strangers, etc.
All of this climbing so high to the top of the mountain only to teeter on the edge and fall off into a black hole, lost, scared, lonely, sad, embarrassed. I don't want to talk about this now, but I'm sure that if you wait around in about a year you can read all about that.
At least I'm finally being able to put words to all of these feelings. I feel a little more validated knowing that I'm not alone out there.