[story] in the flowing stream
author: gyoku
email: jadedapple [at] gmail.com
i.
Jun is in a movie theatre alone when he feels his cell phone vibrating in his pocket. He opens his phone and reads the expected text message: Come to my office now.
He leaves the theatre in haste, apologising profusely as he excuses himself. He steals one last look at the screen as he tries to leave as discreetly as possible. Once out, he hails a cab, glancing worriedly at his watch when they get trapped in evening traffic.
The taxi driver complains, trying to make small talk, "I don't understand, everybody's out partying. Aren't we supposed to be having an economic downturn?"
Jun agrees noncommittally, trying to be polite as he stares at the cars lined up bumper to bumper; there is anxiety rising within him, a cold and uncomfortable tide.
"I wish I had that kind of money," the taxi driver continues, "Don't you?"
He makes another polite noise and takes another look at his watch. The taxi driver swears a blue streak and complains loudly as they crawl past the crowded streets. Jun wonders if he should have taken the train instead. His cell phone rings and his stomach twists when he sees the new message.
Where are you?
He hastily replies; the touchpad feels slick under his sweaty fingers.
"Looks like somebody's anxious to see you," the taxi driver teases and Jun nods, mouth setting in a tense line.
They finally arrive outside the office a good forty-five minutes later and Jun hands the driver a large note, not bothering to wait for the change.
When he opens the door, Tatsuya is pacing in his office, brow furrowed, and he looks displeased.
"You're late," he says, not bothering to look at Jun.
"I'm sorry," Jun apologises immediately. "There was a--"
"Never mind. Come here," Tatsuya cuts him off before he can finish his sentence, turning around as he pulls the blinds close.
Jun walks over to Tatsuya and looks a good look at him. It's been a week since their last - his mind stumbles over the word - meeting. Tatsuya looks tired; he has dark rings around his eyes and there is a five o'clock shadow visible around his jawline. Jun is curious but the words stick in the middle of his throat.
What's wrong? He wants to ask but he doesn't voice it. It's not his job to know or to care.
It's not part of their arrangement, after all.
He stills as Tatsuya runs his hands down his sides in an absent-minded gesture, eyes still focused on something far away. One hand tugs him forward and Jun follows. Tatsuya tilts his chin up and their lips meet in a kiss. Jun's arms come up to circle Tatsuya's neck as he yields, opening his mouth to let Tatsuya slide his tongue in.
The kiss ends with Tatsuya nibbling his way down the line of Jun's neck, ending his journey with a sharp nip at the base of his throat. Jun makes to move to slide to his knees, but Tatsuya shakes his head, and instead turns him around, pushing him towards his desk. Jun nods in understanding and he braces himself as he quickly unzips his jeans. His exposed legs feel cold against the air-conditioned air and he can hear Tatsuya undoing his belt buckle behind him.
"Be quiet," Tatsuya whispers and Jun bows his head, obedient.
It's quick and efficient. Tatsuya uses his thigh to nudge his legs apart and there's the sound of a bottle being uncapped. Jun feels Tatsuya's lube-slicked fingers stretching him, first one, then two. He gasps involuntarily when Tatsuya inserts a third finger and the fingers clutching his hip presses down hard in immediate warning.
Jun apologises for the second time that night. "I'm sorry."
Tatsuya moves his fingers from inside Jun, making him bite down on his lower lip as he tries not to make any more noise. He hisses, breath hitching with pain and he tries to move away --
"Please," he begs despite the earlier order for silence. "It hurts."
Tatsuya ignores him but he does remove one finger, eliciting a relieved sigh and Jun relaxes even more when Tatsuya finally withdraws the remaining two. It doesn't last long though and Jun tenses up again when feels Tatsuya nudging against him. He sucks in a deep breath as the older man pushes into him. He nearly turns around to protest - Tatsuya's not using a condom again - but manages to catch himself in time.
Tatsuya sets up a slow and deliberate rhythm, one hand coming round to stroke Jun in counterpoint to his thrusts as the other grips his hip tightly. Jun shuts his eyes and clutches the edge of Tatsuya's desk as he allows himself to be moved by Tatsuya, sweat beading on his brow and jaw falling slack as he climaxes. Behind him, Tatsuya tenses and groans and says in spite of himself--
"Jun."
They stand that way just for a short while, Tatsuya's chest a warm weight on his back. Jun doesn't dare turn back, waiting passively before Tatsuya finally slides out of him.
"Clean up," Tatsuya tells him, handing a few tissues to Jun before he heads towards the private restroom installed in his office.
Jun hastily wipes himself and he's still trying to get his clothes in order when Tatsuya returns to his desk. Tatsuya shifts his chair back into place, ready to resume work. Jun tosses the tissues into the trash can and picks up his bag, abandoned earlier near the door and prepares to leave.
To his surprise, Tatsuya suddenly calls out, "I didn't say you could go."
Jun tugs on the strap of his backpack, unsure and Tatsuya uses his pen to point to the large leather couch; the only symbol of ostentation in his office.
"You can rest there."
Jun slips his sneakers off and gingerly lies down on the soft leather, still tentative about the invitation but Tatsuya doesn't pay attention. He shifts on the seat, trying to get comfortable. Just before he slides into sleep, Jun sneaks a look at Tatsuya. He is staring at his computer screen, one hand rubbing his jaw as he contemplates whatever it is he is seeing, utterly focused on his task.
He does not glance at Jun at all.
ii.
"What is it, Sasaki-san?" Tatsuya asks. He leans back in his chair, places his elbows on the armrests and steeples his fingers under his chin. "Unhappy with your job?" he continues, a sly jibe at the menial tasks Isamu is now doing instead of his previous responsibilities.
"I saw you," Isamu hisses, clenching his fists at his side as he tries to keep his voice low.
"Saw what?" Tatsuya asks, quirking an eyebrow.
"You know what I mean."
Tatsuya snaps at the older man, "Speak plainly, I don't care for riddles."
"You and my son," Isamu replies, voice shaking with anger. "Yesterday. In the carpark. My son," he stresses. "Jun was in your car," Isamu's sentences coming in short, sharp bursts.
Tatsuya straightens up, his eyes amused. "So?"
"What are you doing with him?"
Tatsuya laughs. It is not a pretty sound; short, derisive and it echoes around the walls of his expansive office. "What do you think?"
Isamu swallows, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down as he tries to form the words. "Those things Jun has now. It wasn't his friends was it? That watch. The new coat."
Tatsuya smirks. Isamu feels like hitting him.
"It was you, right?" Isamu grits through his teeth. "I wondered how he could have afforded such expensive things. They were from you, weren't they?"
Tatsuya shrugs, the fabric of his shirt straining over his muscles. "So what if they were?"
Isamu feels nauseated. He's heard of those stories of cheap high school girls with their older men and the gifts they receive. And the things they do for those men. Jun is not one of them. He cannot be.
"Stay away from Jun."
"No," Tatsuya replies simply.
"But he's just a child," Isamu pleads.
Tatsuya smiles; strange how it makes the younger man look unfriendly instead, the harsh light highlighting the sharp angles of his face. "I'd hardly call him a child."
"I'll go to the police," Isamu threatens, even as he realises how feeble that sounds considering his own precarious circumstance.
Tatsuya shifts in his chair, like a panther uncoiling, ready to strike. Isamu can feel the change in the atmosphere. It feels charged, dangerous. "And what do you intend to say to them? That I raped your son?"
"I..." Isamu stutters, "I... You--"
Tatsuya continues, ruthless as ever. "You're welcome to do that, Sasaki-san. Then I'll tell the police what you did to the company accounts."
"You wouldn't!" Isamu exclaims, aghast. Tatsuya narrows his eyes then and Isamu shrinks back, retreating a few steps despite the distance already between them.
"You're wrong. I can. Jun's the only reason you're not already in prison at the moment. You do realise that, don't you?"
"What do you mean?" Isamu asks, not comprehending.
"How do you think you managed to keep a job in the company?" Tatsuya favours Isamu with a significant look and a raise of his eyebrow. The smile on his face is cold and calculated.
"What do you mean by that?" Isamu asks.
"You can ask Jun."
And Isamu almost feels like weeping then as he realises the web his family is tangled in, with no way of escape.
"You made a whore out of my son," Isamu accuses Tatsuya. He sounds defeated. Old.
Tatsuya snorts in disdain and opens his account book, a clear gesture of dismissal. "No, Sasaki-san. You did."
They are having dinner when Fumiko asks, out of the blue, about the girl who gave Jun chocolates on White Day. Isamu watches his son out of the corner of his eye, disguising his interest by spooning more curry onto his rice. Jun blanches but quickly recovers, a smile appearing on his face. "It didn't work out, Mother."
Fumiko sounds disappointed. "Oh. What a pity. I thought she was such a good girl."
Jun bows his head low, speaking almost into his food. "She is. But I thought it'd be better if I concentrated on school first," he says softly.
Fumiko pauses, chopsticks poised midway to her mouth then she brightens up. "True, time enough for that later after you enter university."
Jun nods, mouth held in a taut line, but his mother doesn't notice.
Isamu watches the exchange between his son and wife, a dark expression on his face. Jun finishes his dinner quickly, claims to need to meet his friends over a school project. Fumiko agrees readily, reminding him to come home early and Jun agrees, a distracted look in his eyes as he watches the clock. Isamu hears the lies falling from Jun's lips, fast and plentiful like rain falling from a cloudy sky and he feels something like ice spreading through his veins, numbing him, nullifying his senses. He does not recognise his son any more.
iii.
Hitoshi stares at the boy sleeping in the hospital bed, eyes quickly taking in the details - the intravenous lines travelling the length of his arm, the bandages around his wrists and the pale skin. The boy looks unhappy even in his sleep. He runs a hand along his jaw, confused as to why Tatsuya called him.
"I don't get it," he tells Tatsuya. "Who's he?"
Tatsuya opens his mouth, working his jaw furiously as he tries to come up with a plausible explanation for his friend.
"Who is he?" Hitoshi asks again, impatient. "Who's the kid?"
Much to his astonishment, Tatsuya actually looks guilty and Hitoshi feels a sense of impending doom - the kind he used to get back when Tatsuya pulled one of his daring stunts and dragged him along for the ride. He feels his blood run cold, then hot when Tatsuya finally opens his mouth.
"What the hell were you thinking?" he hisses, careful to keep his voice low. "Whatever possessed you to think it was a good idea to fuck a seventeen-year-old kid?"
"I don't see how this is any of your business," Tatsuya replies sullenly, arms crossed over his chest in a clear sign of defensiveness.
"You called me here."
"I don't appreciate being lectured."
"And I don't appreciate finding out that you've been screwing some kid who's barely legal. Are you mad?" Hitoshi replies, barely aware that his voice is rising in outrage.
"That's a bit rich, considering who you're fucking yourself," Tatsuya retorts immediately. Hitoshi sucks in a deep breath, outraged at the low blow and struggles to keep his anger in check.
"You are way out of line," he spits at Tatsuya, clenching and unclenching his fist. He turns on his heels and heads for the door, "I'm leaving."
"Wait," Tatsuya says, "Don't go."
Hitoshi raises his eyebrows.
Tatsuya runs a hand through his hair, and he mutters rebelliously, "I'm sorry. It's just..." he takes in a deep breath, "It's just that I don't know what to do. And you know how I hate hospitals."
Hitoshi snorts in disdain but he walks back towards his friend, feeling somewhat mollified by the apology. "Then don't piss off the only doctor you're friends with, you idiot," he tells Tatsuya, but there is no heat behind his words, only tired familiarity.
Tatsuya nods, drumming his fingers on the railing, the muscles of his back taut with tension.
"So," Hitoshi asks, "What's his name?"
Tatsuya props his foot up against the foot of the bed. "Jun," he says. "His name is Jun."
Jun is sitting up against a stack of pillows, head turned towards the window, expression pinched and drawn when Tatsuya enters the room. He flinches back when he sees him, radiating fear and apprehension, causing Tatsuya to pause and raise his hands, as if to say he means no harm. To reiterate his point, Tatsuya does not take a seat, choosing to stand at the foot of the bed instead.
They don't say anything to each other. Jun stares out the window into the dark night sky, avoiding eye contact. The silence is broken only by Tatsuya's incessant pacing around the small hospital room and some random NHK programme that neither of them are watching.
Then--
"I'm sorry," Tatsuya finally says. The words reverberate around the room before they are swallowed by the walls.
Jun turns to face Tatsuya, eyes dark with some unfathomable expression but he does not say anything.
"I'm sorry," Tatsuya repeats. "I had no idea things were going to turn out this way," he continues, sounding genuinely contrite. Humbled even. "If I'd known..."
Jun doesn't show any reaction, but his grip on the edge of the blankets tightens and he makes a small but unhappy noise. Tatsuya looks up and stares at the ceiling, taking in the sight of the harsh fluorescent lights.
"I spoke to your father," Tatsuya says and he doesn't miss the way Jun perks up, eyes coming alive with curiosity.
"And?" Jun speaks for the first time that night, voice hoarse from disuse.
"He won't--" Tatsuya swallows hard, knowing his next words will only disappoint Jun. "He said he'll come to sign the insurance papers. But..."
"Can I go home?" Jun asks, not waiting for Tatsuya to finish his sentence; there is no mistaking the hope in his voice now.
Tatsuya heaves a huge sigh, looking frustrated. "No. I've asked."
"I see," Jun bites his lower lip, lower jaw trembling as he tries to hold back his emotions.
"Jun--" Tatsuya steps forward, one arm reaching out to the younger man but Jun shrinks back immediately.
"Please don't touch me," Jun says, withdrawing his hands and hiding them under the blanket. He bows his head low, biting hard on his lower lip as he tries to hold back his emotions.
"I'm sorry," Tatsuya says for the third time that night but Jun doesn't respond; delving deeper into the blankets. He swears under his breath before continuing, "I'll take care of everything. School. Housing. I'll sort it out with your father."
Jun doesn't bother to reply. When he leaves the hospital, tires squealing on the asphalt as he pulls out of car park and onto the highway, Tatsuya tells himself that he was not fleeing, just leaving to give Jun more privacy.
Problem list
1) Suicide attempt -> medication overdose + self-harm
Physically recovered. Mild but clinically insignificant anaemia secondary to blood loss.
2) Multiple sexual assault
First STD screen negative.
Patient reviewed by colorectal team during admission - no further action required.
Follow-up arranged with
-> Infectious disease clinic (repeat STD screen and HIV testing)
-> Adolescent health clinic (post-assault counselling)
3) Family problems
Patient is estranged from his family, likely secondary to parental disapproval of relationship with an older partner.
Plan: Home today. (Patient's father has agreed to come to sign discharge documents.)
Appointments as scheduled.
iv.
The day he goes home, Jun sees his father standing at the corner of the corridor, conversing with the doctors. Tatsuya and another man Jun doesn't recognise are with him instead and they shepherd him away quickly, though Tatsuya's sharp eyes does not miss how Jun stares at his father, a forlorn expression on his face.
The stranger introduces himself as Hitoshi, offering Jun a kind and reassuring smile but he does not say anything more. Jun sits quietly in the car and presses himself against the door of the passenger seat; intrigued as he watches Tatsuya and Hitoshi verbally spar with each other on their drive to the apartment. To his surprise, Tatsuya takes them to a new place, one Jun has never been before. It is small, infinitely less lavish than the ones he knows Tatsuya is accustomed to, with only a bedroom and study room.
Tatsuya stays seated in the living room as Jun explores the new apartment, running his hands over the expensive bedsheets and opening the doors to the empty cupboards. Everything is new, but there are two boxes in the study room containing his belongings from home and he feels his chest seize up again.
"I don't know how you wanted your books arranged," Tatsuya tells him, "So I left them in the boxes. And we'll go shopping later for more clothes and your computer later this week so you can do your schoolwork. Is that all right with you?"
"...Okay," Jun agrees, still trying to take it all in.
"And here are your keys," Tatsuya says, holding out a key ring. "I don't have a copy so I'll call if I'm coming over."
"What?" Jun asks, surprised.
"The apartment is yours, Jun-kun," Hitoshi interjects from where he's been watching the two of them interact, "Just yours alone."
Jun turns to stare at Hitoshi.
"It's true," Hitoshi assures him. "You need a place, after all."
Tatsuya jangles the keys loudly, interrupting their exchange and earns a disapproving frown from Hitoshi in the process. Jun accepts the keys and murmurs his thanks, feeling rather overwhelmed. There is an awkward silence between the two of them, broken only by a serendipitous call that Tatsuya has to answer.
"I know what he did to you," Hitoshi tells Jun whilst Tatsuya is occupied with his conversation, a serious look on his face. "He told me what happened with your family," and Jun feels his face turn red.
"Tatsuya's good when it comes to money. Business. Finance. Everything else..." Hitoshi's voice trails off and Hitoshi's mouth quirks in a wry, almost sad smile. "Well, you know."
Jun shrugs and Hitoshi continues. "For what it's worth, he's genuinely sorry about what happened. It's not much comfort but he's going to try and make it up to you."
He offers Jun his business card, "I can't stay to talk. My shift starts soon but call me if you need help." Hitoshi grins a little. "Tatsuya can be a little intimidating at times."
They go through the same process when Jun goes back to school. Isamu meets Jun at the gates of the school, with Tatsuya waiting in the car park. They run through the agreed story to explain his prolonged absence, that Jun fell ill and needed hospitalisation. His previous impeccable record helps of course, and the principal readily agrees to allow Jun to return, eyes sympathetic as he takes in Jun's thin frame, dark-ringed eyes and haggard face.
After the meeting is over, Jun turns to his father and bows but Isamu walks past him, not acknowledging his presence at all.
v.
True to his word, Tatsuya calls every time before coming over, which is invariably almost every night. Jun soon gets used to the sight of Tatsuya entering the apartment, arms laden with food and groceries. Much to his surprise, Tatsuya takes the effort to ask him what his favourite foods are and he cooks for the both of them. He doesn't like eating out much, Tatsuya explains, and Jun finds himself helping Tatsuya in the kitchen. Meals are quiet, restrained affairs; with the both of them having polite but stilted conversation.
One evening, Tatsuya comes to his apartment, an aggravated look on his face though he doesn't say anything to Jun. He heads straight for the refrigerator and opens a bottle of Perrier, coming to stand behind Jun on the couch. He stares at the baseball match that June had been watching on television, eyes unfocused as he loosens his tie and tosses his jacket on the counter. Jun quickly changes the channel.
"Why'd you do that for?" Tatsuya asks, curious. "Weren't you watching the game?"
"I thought you might prefer the news," Jun says but Tatsuya waves him off.
"No, it's fine. Go back to the game."
"Do you like baseball then?" Jun asks, fascinated by the idea of Tatsuya being a sports fan.
"Do you?" Tatsuya asks in return, not bothering to answer Jun's question.
Jun tries to look nonchalant, finger tracing a nonexistent pattern on the couch. "I like the Hawks."
Tatsuya sips on his Perrier, as he thinks out loud. "But why? No wait. Of course. Your family comes from Fukuoka, right?"
Jun nods, surprised that Tatsuya would know that particular detail about him. "What about you?"
Tatsuya shrugs a shoulder. "I like the Giants."
The Giants. Jun feels amusement bubbling within him, because of course Tatsuya would be a Giants fan and he refrains from saying anything further.
"I grew up in Tokyo after all," Tatsuya mutters, sensing Jun's disdain.
"Of course," Jun says kindly, taking delight in how Tatsuya is defensive over his choice of sports team. "Of course."
During an advertisement, Tatsuya turns to him and asks, "Would you like to go to a game some time?"
"I could?"
Tatsuya shrugs, the collar of his shirt opened wide enough that Jun can see the hint of a silver chain hanging loosely around his neck. "The company gets corporate tickets. I can easily arrange for us to go if you want. Maybe we can all go together," Tatsuya mused idly. "I need to drag Hitoshi out of that hospital after all."
"That would be nice," Jun agrees. He is a litle shocked when he realises that the words are not mere platitudes, and that he genuinely means them.
"What's wrong?" Tatsuya asks one day, after noting Jun's exceptionally morose mood.
"It's my mother's birthday today," Jun says, voice soft and wistful.
"Did you try to call her?" Tatsuya asks.
"Yes," Jun says, a weak smile playing at his lips, "But it looks like they've changed the numbers."
Tatsuya grimaces at the answer, swearing under his breath.
"You must be worried about her health," Tatsuya comments after some time.
"What?"
"Isn't your mother ill?" Tatsuya asks, mirroring Jun's confused expression. "Doesn't she have health problems?"
"No," Jun replies slowly. "She's fine. Did something happen to her?" he says, sounding slightly panicked. "Did my father tell you anything?"
Tatsuya shakes his head, brow furrowed and he takes a sip of his tea. "No, I'm sorry. I must have been mistaken. It must have been somebody else."
vi.
"How's Jun-kun doing?" Hitoshi asks one day at dinner.
"All right. I think," Tatsuya says as he picks up a piece of sushi. "He's started going out with his friends from school again at least."
Hitoshi nods, approving. "That's a good sign."
"He gets nightmares," Tatsuya says in a low voice. "I can hear him screaming sometimes. About that night."
Hitoshi nods in sympathetic understanding. "But he's going for counselling, isn't he?"
"Yes. But I think he's still afraid of me," Tatsuya, voice low and frustrated.
Hitoshi raises an eyebrow. "You can't blame him, not after what you did to him. And especially not after what happened."
"But I haven't done anything--"
Hitoshi shakes his head. "It doesn't work that way. Being nice for a few months is not going to compensate for all that trauma. You need to be more patient."
"I am being patient," Tatsuya growls.
Hitoshi shoots him an indulgent grin.
"It's just--" Tatsuya lays his palm flat out on the table, frustrated. "I keep wondering..."
"What?"
"Why didn't he call me?" Tatsuya asks, almost to himself, "When his father threw him out, why didn't he call me?"
Hitoshi crosses his arms and looks at Tatsuya. "I don't see why he would have. I don't think he dared. It's not like the two of you were having that kind of relationship."
Tatsuya acknowledges the unpleasant fact with a cough, a dark red flush creeping up his neck. "But still."
"Besides, weren't you in Europe then for that business trip?" Hitoshi reminds him. "You were in Paris when the hospital called you, weren't you?"
Tatsuya nods as he remembers those frantic few days.
"So even if Jun had called, you wouldn' have been around to help," Hitoshi continues.
"Well, that's true enough," Tatsuya concurs.
Hitoshi smiles. "You can't control everything Tatsuya."
Tatsuya grumbles his assent, poking viciously at the sashimi.
"Son of a-" he swears a few minutes later as he connects a few things in his mind.
"What?" Hitoshi asks, not following Tatsuya's line of thinking.
"He knew I was going to be in Europe," Tatsuya sucks in his breath, appalled.
"Who?"
"Jun's father. Everybody in the company knew I was going to be away."
"So?" Hitoshi asks again. "Oh wait." Hitoshi's eyes widen with horror. "Are you telling me he made Jun leave the house when you weren't around to find out what he did? That he'd purposely do that to his son..."
"Yes." Tatsuya snarls and breaks the chopsticks he is holding. "He did."
vii.
Tatsuya summons Isamu to his office a month later, a set of files opened for reference on his table.
"I must say, you really are a brazen man, Sasaki-san," Tatsuya says without preamble. "You told me that the money you took was for your family, that your wife was ill. But in all honesty, the money's been going elsewhere, hasn't it?" Tatsuya asks, a menacing tone in his voice as he gestures towards the files.
He walks around his desk towards Isamu, who stands rooted to the ground, radiating defiance.
"I wonder how Jun would feel if he found out what you've been doing," Tatsuya says coldly, crossing his arms in front of his chest as he stares Isamu down. "How he'll cope if he discovered he went through all that trouble just so you could maintain another family back in Fukuoka."
Isamu swallows, feeling his Adam's apple bob up and down as he tries to contain his fear. "What are you going to do now?" Isamu asks, "Sack me?"
"No," Tatsuya replies after a long pause, "Though it was a tempting idea."
Isamu openly sighs in relief and Tatsuya throws him a look of disgust.
"Give this to your wife," Tatsuya says, reaching inside his jacket for a slip of paper.
Isamu stares at it, not understanding, "What's this?"
"Jun's address and number."
"So?"
Tatsuya narrows his eyes in annoyance and he snaps at Isamu, "Jun wants to see his mother and you'd do well to arrange something."
"Why should I?" Isamu asks, resentful, eliciting a disgusted sound from Tatsuya.
"You're clearly forgetting why you're not in prison yet."
"I--"
"I'm not interested in hearing anything you might have to say. Get it done Sasaki-san," Tatsuya orders, "Or would you rather your family find out the kind of man you really are?"
"You bastard," Isamu hisses at Tatsuya, and a sardonic smile plays across Tatsuya's lips.
"Close the door on your way out, please."
viii.
Tatsuya surprises him one weekend when he insists on taking Jun out for lunch, something they haven't done in a long while. He stresses the need to dress nicely for the occasion. Puzzled, Jun goes along with the idea, picking self-consciously at the cuffs of his shirt as Tatsuya brings them to (as usual) an expensive restaurant tucked away in the corner of Asakusa.
He stands in muted shock when he sees the slim figure seated in a discreet corner of the restaurant.
Tatsuya bows deeply, respectfully to his mother. "Sasaki-san. I hope you didn't have a hard time finding this place."
Fumiko shakes her head, flustered by Tatsuya's attention. "No, no. It's all right, Miyamoto-san. There was no problem at all." Her eyes seek out Jun immediately, hungry for a view of her son.
"Stay as long as you want," Tatsuya tells him, ushering him to his seat. "I've already given the staff instructions, so don't worry about payment and such."
"You're not staying?" Jun asks, confused.
Tatsuya smiles a little, and shakes his head. "No. But call me when you're done and I'll send both you and your mother home."
Jun nods, still shocked by stunned by the turn of events, taking his time to take a seat, never taking his eyes off his mother. It is she who breaks the silence first, reaching across the table to grip his hand tightly. "How have you been?"
"All right," Jun says, feeling a sense of relief and happiness blossom within him. "Tatsuya-san's been very helpful."
"Does he take care of you?" Fumiko asks, voice strained. "I've been so worried, and your father refuses to tell me anything."
Jun pauses in between and he thinks back on the past months with Tatsuya; on how he maintains his distance and the brusque and awkward attempts at kindness, a contrast to his erstwhile icy demeanour.
"Yes," Jun finds himself agreeing. "He does."
ix.
Jun sits quietly in the corner of the private room Tatsuya booked to celebrate Hitoshi's birthday. Tatsuya is next to him, perusing the menu whilst Jun tries to do the same. He is trying his best not to stare at Masao - Hitoshi's friend, Tatsuya had said - sitting across from him, and at what seems to be a dragon tattoo creeping up Masao's wrist underneath the broad strap of his watch. Hitoshi makes a belated appearance a few minutes later, apologising for being held up at the hospital.
When the food finally comes, Masao immediately reaches for the sake, sniffing the bottle approvingly. He sneers at Tatsuya, who has chosen to drink mineral water again.
"What kind of Japanese are you anyway, that you don't drink alcohol?" Masao asks, needling Tatsuya as he takes a sip of the sake. Jun is taken aback at the remark and he rapidly runs through all the meals he and Tatsuya have had together. Indeed, what Maso said is true. He has never seen Tatsuya drink anything stronger than green tea.
"Not again," Hitoshi murmurs, exasperated, as if he's heard this argument many times before.
"The healthy kind," Tatsuya retorts. "Unlike you. At the rate you drink, you'll need a liver transplant sooner than later."
Masao scoffs, "Hitoshi's a doctor."
"He's not a liver specialist, you idiot."
"I'll have you know--"
"Stop that," Hitoshi orders both Masao and Tatsuya. "You're acting like spoiled children."
Tatsuya rolls his eyes whilst Masao pours himself yet another cup of sake.
"Ignore them, Jun-kun. Don't you want a drink?" Hitoshi asks, offering to pour some sake for him.
"Err, no," Jun tries to prevaricate, and Tatsuya snorts in amusement.
"You're a poor liar," he says, "Go ahead and have some. I have to drive anyway."
Hitoshi quickly changes the conversation before Masao has the chance to say anything more. "How did the university entrance exams go, Jun-kun?"
Jun winces and Hitoshi looks sympathetic. "Not too good?"
"No," Jun mumbles. "I didn't have time to prepare properly for it."
Tatsuya shifts on his chair, looking discomfited. Hitoshi purses his lips and glances at his friend, making it clear as to who he blamed for Jun's academic predicament.
"Never figured out what good going to school served," Masao says and Hitoshi gives him a quelling stare. "I still managed to get a job."
"Jun doesn't need your kind of job," Tatsuya says sharply. Masao glares at Tatsuya, daring him to say more but Tatsuya doesn't continue.
"Going ronin then?" Hitoshi asks, refusing to get drawn into Masao and Tatsuya's argument. Jun nods.
Hitoshi grins wickedly. "Don't feel too bad. Tatsuya nearly had to be ronin himself."
"Oy!" Tatsuya exclaims, looking annoyed.
Hitoshi ignores him and continues blithely, "But he managed to scrape through into Waseda anyway. Just a few points past the required score, mind you. But he got in."
Tatsuya looks disgruntled and Hitoshi laughs. "Don't tell me you're still sore about that!"
"Bloody admissions criteria," Tatsuya complains, and he takes a long drink from his Perrier.
x.
"Did you enjoy yourself?" Tatsuya asks later when they're back in Jun's apartment. "I'm sorry I brought you along but Hitoshi wanted to see how you were doing."
"Yes," Jun smiles, "It was fun."
"Except for Masao," Tatsuya grumbles. "I still don't get what Hitoshi sees in him."
"Masao-san, is he a, uh..."
"Yes," Tatsuya replies, understanding Jun's question. "He is."
"Oh."
"It started when Hitoshi was in medical school," Tatsuya explains. "It didn't work out for a while. But when I got back from America, they seemed to have sorted out their problems."
He exhales softly. "Pity about that. He's going to get Hitoshi into trouble someday. I can feel it."
They sit quietly together, content and well-fed after the good meal earlier. Tatsuya leans back and crosses his legs, shirt untucked from his trousers, with cuffs rolled back and top buttons undone. He looks as relaxed as Jun has ever seen him.
"I didn't realise you didn't drink," Jun says tentatively, worried that Tatsuya might not appreciate the remark.
"Hmm?"
"I never noticed you never took alcohol."
"Oh. That. Yes, I don't drink at all."
"Why not?"
"I nearly killed somebody," Tatsuya replies, trying to keep his tone light. "It was back when I was in America. We were out celebrating the end of the semester. I was driving and I beat a red light."
He drums his fingers on his thigh and continues, "I managed to stop on time. But I'll never forget her face. She was carrying her baby in her arms."
Jun keeps quiet, unsure as to what to say.
"Anyway," Tatsuya stretches his arms and legs, feeling tired muscles stretch and joints pop, "I should leave. Good night."
"Wait. Don't go," Jun says, putting a restraining hand on Tatsuya's arm.
Tatsuya stills immediately.
"I mean you could..." Jun coughs once, then twice, "You could stay."
"Do you know what you're asking for?" Tatsuya asks after a pregenant pause, voice far too steady, "Because all this, what I've done, what I've tried to do... It's not so we could go back to what we had before," Tatsuya finishes. "That part's over. You know that."
Jun nods. "I know. But I thought," he shifts on the couch, rubbing one foot against the other, "I thought we could try for something different this time round."
Tatsuya tilts his head back and stares at the ceiling.
"If you don't mind, that is," Jun continues lamely.
"Are you sure?" Tatsuya asks, still looking heavenward, his voice sounding as if it is coming from far away.
"... Yes."
Tatsuya turns to face Jun and trails a finger slowly down his arm. "Would this be all right with you then?" Tatsuya asks, the question loaded with meaning.
Jun swallows. "I don't know. But we could try?"
Tatsuya quirks one side of his mouth and exhales softly. "Fair enough."
"It's just that... we could go slow?"
Tatsuya reaches up and cups the side of Jun's face, a callused thumb stroking Jun's cheek softly. Jun takes a deep breath, not shying way from the touch, and looks Tatsuya in the eyes (funny how it's easier to do that now, he thinks). After a long while, Tatsuya nods his head.
"Go ahead," he says, "I'll join you later."
Jun agrees and heads to the bedroom alone. He is almost asleep when he finally hears Tatsuya padding into the room, the light from his laptop casting shadows across the bed. He settles down next to Jun, and begins work again, fingers tapping on the keypad. Then Tatsuya reaches out with one hand, carding his fingers through Jun's hair gently.
There are no nightmares that night.
the end
email: jadedapple [at] gmail.com
i.
Jun is in a movie theatre alone when he feels his cell phone vibrating in his pocket. He opens his phone and reads the expected text message: Come to my office now.
He leaves the theatre in haste, apologising profusely as he excuses himself. He steals one last look at the screen as he tries to leave as discreetly as possible. Once out, he hails a cab, glancing worriedly at his watch when they get trapped in evening traffic.
The taxi driver complains, trying to make small talk, "I don't understand, everybody's out partying. Aren't we supposed to be having an economic downturn?"
Jun agrees noncommittally, trying to be polite as he stares at the cars lined up bumper to bumper; there is anxiety rising within him, a cold and uncomfortable tide.
"I wish I had that kind of money," the taxi driver continues, "Don't you?"
He makes another polite noise and takes another look at his watch. The taxi driver swears a blue streak and complains loudly as they crawl past the crowded streets. Jun wonders if he should have taken the train instead. His cell phone rings and his stomach twists when he sees the new message.
Where are you?
He hastily replies; the touchpad feels slick under his sweaty fingers.
"Looks like somebody's anxious to see you," the taxi driver teases and Jun nods, mouth setting in a tense line.
They finally arrive outside the office a good forty-five minutes later and Jun hands the driver a large note, not bothering to wait for the change.
When he opens the door, Tatsuya is pacing in his office, brow furrowed, and he looks displeased.
"You're late," he says, not bothering to look at Jun.
"I'm sorry," Jun apologises immediately. "There was a--"
"Never mind. Come here," Tatsuya cuts him off before he can finish his sentence, turning around as he pulls the blinds close.
Jun walks over to Tatsuya and looks a good look at him. It's been a week since their last - his mind stumbles over the word - meeting. Tatsuya looks tired; he has dark rings around his eyes and there is a five o'clock shadow visible around his jawline. Jun is curious but the words stick in the middle of his throat.
What's wrong? He wants to ask but he doesn't voice it. It's not his job to know or to care.
It's not part of their arrangement, after all.
He stills as Tatsuya runs his hands down his sides in an absent-minded gesture, eyes still focused on something far away. One hand tugs him forward and Jun follows. Tatsuya tilts his chin up and their lips meet in a kiss. Jun's arms come up to circle Tatsuya's neck as he yields, opening his mouth to let Tatsuya slide his tongue in.
The kiss ends with Tatsuya nibbling his way down the line of Jun's neck, ending his journey with a sharp nip at the base of his throat. Jun makes to move to slide to his knees, but Tatsuya shakes his head, and instead turns him around, pushing him towards his desk. Jun nods in understanding and he braces himself as he quickly unzips his jeans. His exposed legs feel cold against the air-conditioned air and he can hear Tatsuya undoing his belt buckle behind him.
"Be quiet," Tatsuya whispers and Jun bows his head, obedient.
It's quick and efficient. Tatsuya uses his thigh to nudge his legs apart and there's the sound of a bottle being uncapped. Jun feels Tatsuya's lube-slicked fingers stretching him, first one, then two. He gasps involuntarily when Tatsuya inserts a third finger and the fingers clutching his hip presses down hard in immediate warning.
Jun apologises for the second time that night. "I'm sorry."
Tatsuya moves his fingers from inside Jun, making him bite down on his lower lip as he tries not to make any more noise. He hisses, breath hitching with pain and he tries to move away --
"Please," he begs despite the earlier order for silence. "It hurts."
Tatsuya ignores him but he does remove one finger, eliciting a relieved sigh and Jun relaxes even more when Tatsuya finally withdraws the remaining two. It doesn't last long though and Jun tenses up again when feels Tatsuya nudging against him. He sucks in a deep breath as the older man pushes into him. He nearly turns around to protest - Tatsuya's not using a condom again - but manages to catch himself in time.
Tatsuya sets up a slow and deliberate rhythm, one hand coming round to stroke Jun in counterpoint to his thrusts as the other grips his hip tightly. Jun shuts his eyes and clutches the edge of Tatsuya's desk as he allows himself to be moved by Tatsuya, sweat beading on his brow and jaw falling slack as he climaxes. Behind him, Tatsuya tenses and groans and says in spite of himself--
"Jun."
They stand that way just for a short while, Tatsuya's chest a warm weight on his back. Jun doesn't dare turn back, waiting passively before Tatsuya finally slides out of him.
"Clean up," Tatsuya tells him, handing a few tissues to Jun before he heads towards the private restroom installed in his office.
Jun hastily wipes himself and he's still trying to get his clothes in order when Tatsuya returns to his desk. Tatsuya shifts his chair back into place, ready to resume work. Jun tosses the tissues into the trash can and picks up his bag, abandoned earlier near the door and prepares to leave.
To his surprise, Tatsuya suddenly calls out, "I didn't say you could go."
Jun tugs on the strap of his backpack, unsure and Tatsuya uses his pen to point to the large leather couch; the only symbol of ostentation in his office.
"You can rest there."
Jun slips his sneakers off and gingerly lies down on the soft leather, still tentative about the invitation but Tatsuya doesn't pay attention. He shifts on the seat, trying to get comfortable. Just before he slides into sleep, Jun sneaks a look at Tatsuya. He is staring at his computer screen, one hand rubbing his jaw as he contemplates whatever it is he is seeing, utterly focused on his task.
He does not glance at Jun at all.
ii.
"What is it, Sasaki-san?" Tatsuya asks. He leans back in his chair, places his elbows on the armrests and steeples his fingers under his chin. "Unhappy with your job?" he continues, a sly jibe at the menial tasks Isamu is now doing instead of his previous responsibilities.
"I saw you," Isamu hisses, clenching his fists at his side as he tries to keep his voice low.
"Saw what?" Tatsuya asks, quirking an eyebrow.
"You know what I mean."
Tatsuya snaps at the older man, "Speak plainly, I don't care for riddles."
"You and my son," Isamu replies, voice shaking with anger. "Yesterday. In the carpark. My son," he stresses. "Jun was in your car," Isamu's sentences coming in short, sharp bursts.
Tatsuya straightens up, his eyes amused. "So?"
"What are you doing with him?"
Tatsuya laughs. It is not a pretty sound; short, derisive and it echoes around the walls of his expansive office. "What do you think?"
Isamu swallows, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down as he tries to form the words. "Those things Jun has now. It wasn't his friends was it? That watch. The new coat."
Tatsuya smirks. Isamu feels like hitting him.
"It was you, right?" Isamu grits through his teeth. "I wondered how he could have afforded such expensive things. They were from you, weren't they?"
Tatsuya shrugs, the fabric of his shirt straining over his muscles. "So what if they were?"
Isamu feels nauseated. He's heard of those stories of cheap high school girls with their older men and the gifts they receive. And the things they do for those men. Jun is not one of them. He cannot be.
"Stay away from Jun."
"No," Tatsuya replies simply.
"But he's just a child," Isamu pleads.
Tatsuya smiles; strange how it makes the younger man look unfriendly instead, the harsh light highlighting the sharp angles of his face. "I'd hardly call him a child."
"I'll go to the police," Isamu threatens, even as he realises how feeble that sounds considering his own precarious circumstance.
Tatsuya shifts in his chair, like a panther uncoiling, ready to strike. Isamu can feel the change in the atmosphere. It feels charged, dangerous. "And what do you intend to say to them? That I raped your son?"
"I..." Isamu stutters, "I... You--"
Tatsuya continues, ruthless as ever. "You're welcome to do that, Sasaki-san. Then I'll tell the police what you did to the company accounts."
"You wouldn't!" Isamu exclaims, aghast. Tatsuya narrows his eyes then and Isamu shrinks back, retreating a few steps despite the distance already between them.
"You're wrong. I can. Jun's the only reason you're not already in prison at the moment. You do realise that, don't you?"
"What do you mean?" Isamu asks, not comprehending.
"How do you think you managed to keep a job in the company?" Tatsuya favours Isamu with a significant look and a raise of his eyebrow. The smile on his face is cold and calculated.
"What do you mean by that?" Isamu asks.
"You can ask Jun."
And Isamu almost feels like weeping then as he realises the web his family is tangled in, with no way of escape.
"You made a whore out of my son," Isamu accuses Tatsuya. He sounds defeated. Old.
Tatsuya snorts in disdain and opens his account book, a clear gesture of dismissal. "No, Sasaki-san. You did."
They are having dinner when Fumiko asks, out of the blue, about the girl who gave Jun chocolates on White Day. Isamu watches his son out of the corner of his eye, disguising his interest by spooning more curry onto his rice. Jun blanches but quickly recovers, a smile appearing on his face. "It didn't work out, Mother."
Fumiko sounds disappointed. "Oh. What a pity. I thought she was such a good girl."
Jun bows his head low, speaking almost into his food. "She is. But I thought it'd be better if I concentrated on school first," he says softly.
Fumiko pauses, chopsticks poised midway to her mouth then she brightens up. "True, time enough for that later after you enter university."
Jun nods, mouth held in a taut line, but his mother doesn't notice.
Isamu watches the exchange between his son and wife, a dark expression on his face. Jun finishes his dinner quickly, claims to need to meet his friends over a school project. Fumiko agrees readily, reminding him to come home early and Jun agrees, a distracted look in his eyes as he watches the clock. Isamu hears the lies falling from Jun's lips, fast and plentiful like rain falling from a cloudy sky and he feels something like ice spreading through his veins, numbing him, nullifying his senses. He does not recognise his son any more.
iii.
Hitoshi stares at the boy sleeping in the hospital bed, eyes quickly taking in the details - the intravenous lines travelling the length of his arm, the bandages around his wrists and the pale skin. The boy looks unhappy even in his sleep. He runs a hand along his jaw, confused as to why Tatsuya called him.
"I don't get it," he tells Tatsuya. "Who's he?"
Tatsuya opens his mouth, working his jaw furiously as he tries to come up with a plausible explanation for his friend.
"Who is he?" Hitoshi asks again, impatient. "Who's the kid?"
Much to his astonishment, Tatsuya actually looks guilty and Hitoshi feels a sense of impending doom - the kind he used to get back when Tatsuya pulled one of his daring stunts and dragged him along for the ride. He feels his blood run cold, then hot when Tatsuya finally opens his mouth.
"What the hell were you thinking?" he hisses, careful to keep his voice low. "Whatever possessed you to think it was a good idea to fuck a seventeen-year-old kid?"
"I don't see how this is any of your business," Tatsuya replies sullenly, arms crossed over his chest in a clear sign of defensiveness.
"You called me here."
"I don't appreciate being lectured."
"And I don't appreciate finding out that you've been screwing some kid who's barely legal. Are you mad?" Hitoshi replies, barely aware that his voice is rising in outrage.
"That's a bit rich, considering who you're fucking yourself," Tatsuya retorts immediately. Hitoshi sucks in a deep breath, outraged at the low blow and struggles to keep his anger in check.
"You are way out of line," he spits at Tatsuya, clenching and unclenching his fist. He turns on his heels and heads for the door, "I'm leaving."
"Wait," Tatsuya says, "Don't go."
Hitoshi raises his eyebrows.
Tatsuya runs a hand through his hair, and he mutters rebelliously, "I'm sorry. It's just..." he takes in a deep breath, "It's just that I don't know what to do. And you know how I hate hospitals."
Hitoshi snorts in disdain but he walks back towards his friend, feeling somewhat mollified by the apology. "Then don't piss off the only doctor you're friends with, you idiot," he tells Tatsuya, but there is no heat behind his words, only tired familiarity.
Tatsuya nods, drumming his fingers on the railing, the muscles of his back taut with tension.
"So," Hitoshi asks, "What's his name?"
Tatsuya props his foot up against the foot of the bed. "Jun," he says. "His name is Jun."
Jun is sitting up against a stack of pillows, head turned towards the window, expression pinched and drawn when Tatsuya enters the room. He flinches back when he sees him, radiating fear and apprehension, causing Tatsuya to pause and raise his hands, as if to say he means no harm. To reiterate his point, Tatsuya does not take a seat, choosing to stand at the foot of the bed instead.
They don't say anything to each other. Jun stares out the window into the dark night sky, avoiding eye contact. The silence is broken only by Tatsuya's incessant pacing around the small hospital room and some random NHK programme that neither of them are watching.
Then--
"I'm sorry," Tatsuya finally says. The words reverberate around the room before they are swallowed by the walls.
Jun turns to face Tatsuya, eyes dark with some unfathomable expression but he does not say anything.
"I'm sorry," Tatsuya repeats. "I had no idea things were going to turn out this way," he continues, sounding genuinely contrite. Humbled even. "If I'd known..."
Jun doesn't show any reaction, but his grip on the edge of the blankets tightens and he makes a small but unhappy noise. Tatsuya looks up and stares at the ceiling, taking in the sight of the harsh fluorescent lights.
"I spoke to your father," Tatsuya says and he doesn't miss the way Jun perks up, eyes coming alive with curiosity.
"And?" Jun speaks for the first time that night, voice hoarse from disuse.
"He won't--" Tatsuya swallows hard, knowing his next words will only disappoint Jun. "He said he'll come to sign the insurance papers. But..."
"Can I go home?" Jun asks, not waiting for Tatsuya to finish his sentence; there is no mistaking the hope in his voice now.
Tatsuya heaves a huge sigh, looking frustrated. "No. I've asked."
"I see," Jun bites his lower lip, lower jaw trembling as he tries to hold back his emotions.
"Jun--" Tatsuya steps forward, one arm reaching out to the younger man but Jun shrinks back immediately.
"Please don't touch me," Jun says, withdrawing his hands and hiding them under the blanket. He bows his head low, biting hard on his lower lip as he tries to hold back his emotions.
"I'm sorry," Tatsuya says for the third time that night but Jun doesn't respond; delving deeper into the blankets. He swears under his breath before continuing, "I'll take care of everything. School. Housing. I'll sort it out with your father."
Jun doesn't bother to reply. When he leaves the hospital, tires squealing on the asphalt as he pulls out of car park and onto the highway, Tatsuya tells himself that he was not fleeing, just leaving to give Jun more privacy.
Problem list
1) Suicide attempt -> medication overdose + self-harm
Physically recovered. Mild but clinically insignificant anaemia secondary to blood loss.
2) Multiple sexual assault
First STD screen negative.
Patient reviewed by colorectal team during admission - no further action required.
Follow-up arranged with
-> Infectious disease clinic (repeat STD screen and HIV testing)
-> Adolescent health clinic (post-assault counselling)
3) Family problems
Patient is estranged from his family, likely secondary to parental disapproval of relationship with an older partner.
Plan: Home today. (Patient's father has agreed to come to sign discharge documents.)
Appointments as scheduled.
iv.
The day he goes home, Jun sees his father standing at the corner of the corridor, conversing with the doctors. Tatsuya and another man Jun doesn't recognise are with him instead and they shepherd him away quickly, though Tatsuya's sharp eyes does not miss how Jun stares at his father, a forlorn expression on his face.
The stranger introduces himself as Hitoshi, offering Jun a kind and reassuring smile but he does not say anything more. Jun sits quietly in the car and presses himself against the door of the passenger seat; intrigued as he watches Tatsuya and Hitoshi verbally spar with each other on their drive to the apartment. To his surprise, Tatsuya takes them to a new place, one Jun has never been before. It is small, infinitely less lavish than the ones he knows Tatsuya is accustomed to, with only a bedroom and study room.
Tatsuya stays seated in the living room as Jun explores the new apartment, running his hands over the expensive bedsheets and opening the doors to the empty cupboards. Everything is new, but there are two boxes in the study room containing his belongings from home and he feels his chest seize up again.
"I don't know how you wanted your books arranged," Tatsuya tells him, "So I left them in the boxes. And we'll go shopping later for more clothes and your computer later this week so you can do your schoolwork. Is that all right with you?"
"...Okay," Jun agrees, still trying to take it all in.
"And here are your keys," Tatsuya says, holding out a key ring. "I don't have a copy so I'll call if I'm coming over."
"What?" Jun asks, surprised.
"The apartment is yours, Jun-kun," Hitoshi interjects from where he's been watching the two of them interact, "Just yours alone."
Jun turns to stare at Hitoshi.
"It's true," Hitoshi assures him. "You need a place, after all."
Tatsuya jangles the keys loudly, interrupting their exchange and earns a disapproving frown from Hitoshi in the process. Jun accepts the keys and murmurs his thanks, feeling rather overwhelmed. There is an awkward silence between the two of them, broken only by a serendipitous call that Tatsuya has to answer.
"I know what he did to you," Hitoshi tells Jun whilst Tatsuya is occupied with his conversation, a serious look on his face. "He told me what happened with your family," and Jun feels his face turn red.
"Tatsuya's good when it comes to money. Business. Finance. Everything else..." Hitoshi's voice trails off and Hitoshi's mouth quirks in a wry, almost sad smile. "Well, you know."
Jun shrugs and Hitoshi continues. "For what it's worth, he's genuinely sorry about what happened. It's not much comfort but he's going to try and make it up to you."
He offers Jun his business card, "I can't stay to talk. My shift starts soon but call me if you need help." Hitoshi grins a little. "Tatsuya can be a little intimidating at times."
They go through the same process when Jun goes back to school. Isamu meets Jun at the gates of the school, with Tatsuya waiting in the car park. They run through the agreed story to explain his prolonged absence, that Jun fell ill and needed hospitalisation. His previous impeccable record helps of course, and the principal readily agrees to allow Jun to return, eyes sympathetic as he takes in Jun's thin frame, dark-ringed eyes and haggard face.
After the meeting is over, Jun turns to his father and bows but Isamu walks past him, not acknowledging his presence at all.
v.
True to his word, Tatsuya calls every time before coming over, which is invariably almost every night. Jun soon gets used to the sight of Tatsuya entering the apartment, arms laden with food and groceries. Much to his surprise, Tatsuya takes the effort to ask him what his favourite foods are and he cooks for the both of them. He doesn't like eating out much, Tatsuya explains, and Jun finds himself helping Tatsuya in the kitchen. Meals are quiet, restrained affairs; with the both of them having polite but stilted conversation.
One evening, Tatsuya comes to his apartment, an aggravated look on his face though he doesn't say anything to Jun. He heads straight for the refrigerator and opens a bottle of Perrier, coming to stand behind Jun on the couch. He stares at the baseball match that June had been watching on television, eyes unfocused as he loosens his tie and tosses his jacket on the counter. Jun quickly changes the channel.
"Why'd you do that for?" Tatsuya asks, curious. "Weren't you watching the game?"
"I thought you might prefer the news," Jun says but Tatsuya waves him off.
"No, it's fine. Go back to the game."
"Do you like baseball then?" Jun asks, fascinated by the idea of Tatsuya being a sports fan.
"Do you?" Tatsuya asks in return, not bothering to answer Jun's question.
Jun tries to look nonchalant, finger tracing a nonexistent pattern on the couch. "I like the Hawks."
Tatsuya sips on his Perrier, as he thinks out loud. "But why? No wait. Of course. Your family comes from Fukuoka, right?"
Jun nods, surprised that Tatsuya would know that particular detail about him. "What about you?"
Tatsuya shrugs a shoulder. "I like the Giants."
The Giants. Jun feels amusement bubbling within him, because of course Tatsuya would be a Giants fan and he refrains from saying anything further.
"I grew up in Tokyo after all," Tatsuya mutters, sensing Jun's disdain.
"Of course," Jun says kindly, taking delight in how Tatsuya is defensive over his choice of sports team. "Of course."
During an advertisement, Tatsuya turns to him and asks, "Would you like to go to a game some time?"
"I could?"
Tatsuya shrugs, the collar of his shirt opened wide enough that Jun can see the hint of a silver chain hanging loosely around his neck. "The company gets corporate tickets. I can easily arrange for us to go if you want. Maybe we can all go together," Tatsuya mused idly. "I need to drag Hitoshi out of that hospital after all."
"That would be nice," Jun agrees. He is a litle shocked when he realises that the words are not mere platitudes, and that he genuinely means them.
"What's wrong?" Tatsuya asks one day, after noting Jun's exceptionally morose mood.
"It's my mother's birthday today," Jun says, voice soft and wistful.
"Did you try to call her?" Tatsuya asks.
"Yes," Jun says, a weak smile playing at his lips, "But it looks like they've changed the numbers."
Tatsuya grimaces at the answer, swearing under his breath.
"You must be worried about her health," Tatsuya comments after some time.
"What?"
"Isn't your mother ill?" Tatsuya asks, mirroring Jun's confused expression. "Doesn't she have health problems?"
"No," Jun replies slowly. "She's fine. Did something happen to her?" he says, sounding slightly panicked. "Did my father tell you anything?"
Tatsuya shakes his head, brow furrowed and he takes a sip of his tea. "No, I'm sorry. I must have been mistaken. It must have been somebody else."
vi.
"How's Jun-kun doing?" Hitoshi asks one day at dinner.
"All right. I think," Tatsuya says as he picks up a piece of sushi. "He's started going out with his friends from school again at least."
Hitoshi nods, approving. "That's a good sign."
"He gets nightmares," Tatsuya says in a low voice. "I can hear him screaming sometimes. About that night."
Hitoshi nods in sympathetic understanding. "But he's going for counselling, isn't he?"
"Yes. But I think he's still afraid of me," Tatsuya, voice low and frustrated.
Hitoshi raises an eyebrow. "You can't blame him, not after what you did to him. And especially not after what happened."
"But I haven't done anything--"
Hitoshi shakes his head. "It doesn't work that way. Being nice for a few months is not going to compensate for all that trauma. You need to be more patient."
"I am being patient," Tatsuya growls.
Hitoshi shoots him an indulgent grin.
"It's just--" Tatsuya lays his palm flat out on the table, frustrated. "I keep wondering..."
"What?"
"Why didn't he call me?" Tatsuya asks, almost to himself, "When his father threw him out, why didn't he call me?"
Hitoshi crosses his arms and looks at Tatsuya. "I don't see why he would have. I don't think he dared. It's not like the two of you were having that kind of relationship."
Tatsuya acknowledges the unpleasant fact with a cough, a dark red flush creeping up his neck. "But still."
"Besides, weren't you in Europe then for that business trip?" Hitoshi reminds him. "You were in Paris when the hospital called you, weren't you?"
Tatsuya nods as he remembers those frantic few days.
"So even if Jun had called, you wouldn' have been around to help," Hitoshi continues.
"Well, that's true enough," Tatsuya concurs.
Hitoshi smiles. "You can't control everything Tatsuya."
Tatsuya grumbles his assent, poking viciously at the sashimi.
"Son of a-" he swears a few minutes later as he connects a few things in his mind.
"What?" Hitoshi asks, not following Tatsuya's line of thinking.
"He knew I was going to be in Europe," Tatsuya sucks in his breath, appalled.
"Who?"
"Jun's father. Everybody in the company knew I was going to be away."
"So?" Hitoshi asks again. "Oh wait." Hitoshi's eyes widen with horror. "Are you telling me he made Jun leave the house when you weren't around to find out what he did? That he'd purposely do that to his son..."
"Yes." Tatsuya snarls and breaks the chopsticks he is holding. "He did."
vii.
Tatsuya summons Isamu to his office a month later, a set of files opened for reference on his table.
"I must say, you really are a brazen man, Sasaki-san," Tatsuya says without preamble. "You told me that the money you took was for your family, that your wife was ill. But in all honesty, the money's been going elsewhere, hasn't it?" Tatsuya asks, a menacing tone in his voice as he gestures towards the files.
He walks around his desk towards Isamu, who stands rooted to the ground, radiating defiance.
"I wonder how Jun would feel if he found out what you've been doing," Tatsuya says coldly, crossing his arms in front of his chest as he stares Isamu down. "How he'll cope if he discovered he went through all that trouble just so you could maintain another family back in Fukuoka."
Isamu swallows, feeling his Adam's apple bob up and down as he tries to contain his fear. "What are you going to do now?" Isamu asks, "Sack me?"
"No," Tatsuya replies after a long pause, "Though it was a tempting idea."
Isamu openly sighs in relief and Tatsuya throws him a look of disgust.
"Give this to your wife," Tatsuya says, reaching inside his jacket for a slip of paper.
Isamu stares at it, not understanding, "What's this?"
"Jun's address and number."
"So?"
Tatsuya narrows his eyes in annoyance and he snaps at Isamu, "Jun wants to see his mother and you'd do well to arrange something."
"Why should I?" Isamu asks, resentful, eliciting a disgusted sound from Tatsuya.
"You're clearly forgetting why you're not in prison yet."
"I--"
"I'm not interested in hearing anything you might have to say. Get it done Sasaki-san," Tatsuya orders, "Or would you rather your family find out the kind of man you really are?"
"You bastard," Isamu hisses at Tatsuya, and a sardonic smile plays across Tatsuya's lips.
"Close the door on your way out, please."
viii.
Tatsuya surprises him one weekend when he insists on taking Jun out for lunch, something they haven't done in a long while. He stresses the need to dress nicely for the occasion. Puzzled, Jun goes along with the idea, picking self-consciously at the cuffs of his shirt as Tatsuya brings them to (as usual) an expensive restaurant tucked away in the corner of Asakusa.
He stands in muted shock when he sees the slim figure seated in a discreet corner of the restaurant.
Tatsuya bows deeply, respectfully to his mother. "Sasaki-san. I hope you didn't have a hard time finding this place."
Fumiko shakes her head, flustered by Tatsuya's attention. "No, no. It's all right, Miyamoto-san. There was no problem at all." Her eyes seek out Jun immediately, hungry for a view of her son.
"Stay as long as you want," Tatsuya tells him, ushering him to his seat. "I've already given the staff instructions, so don't worry about payment and such."
"You're not staying?" Jun asks, confused.
Tatsuya smiles a little, and shakes his head. "No. But call me when you're done and I'll send both you and your mother home."
Jun nods, still shocked by stunned by the turn of events, taking his time to take a seat, never taking his eyes off his mother. It is she who breaks the silence first, reaching across the table to grip his hand tightly. "How have you been?"
"All right," Jun says, feeling a sense of relief and happiness blossom within him. "Tatsuya-san's been very helpful."
"Does he take care of you?" Fumiko asks, voice strained. "I've been so worried, and your father refuses to tell me anything."
Jun pauses in between and he thinks back on the past months with Tatsuya; on how he maintains his distance and the brusque and awkward attempts at kindness, a contrast to his erstwhile icy demeanour.
"Yes," Jun finds himself agreeing. "He does."
ix.
Jun sits quietly in the corner of the private room Tatsuya booked to celebrate Hitoshi's birthday. Tatsuya is next to him, perusing the menu whilst Jun tries to do the same. He is trying his best not to stare at Masao - Hitoshi's friend, Tatsuya had said - sitting across from him, and at what seems to be a dragon tattoo creeping up Masao's wrist underneath the broad strap of his watch. Hitoshi makes a belated appearance a few minutes later, apologising for being held up at the hospital.
When the food finally comes, Masao immediately reaches for the sake, sniffing the bottle approvingly. He sneers at Tatsuya, who has chosen to drink mineral water again.
"What kind of Japanese are you anyway, that you don't drink alcohol?" Masao asks, needling Tatsuya as he takes a sip of the sake. Jun is taken aback at the remark and he rapidly runs through all the meals he and Tatsuya have had together. Indeed, what Maso said is true. He has never seen Tatsuya drink anything stronger than green tea.
"Not again," Hitoshi murmurs, exasperated, as if he's heard this argument many times before.
"The healthy kind," Tatsuya retorts. "Unlike you. At the rate you drink, you'll need a liver transplant sooner than later."
Masao scoffs, "Hitoshi's a doctor."
"He's not a liver specialist, you idiot."
"I'll have you know--"
"Stop that," Hitoshi orders both Masao and Tatsuya. "You're acting like spoiled children."
Tatsuya rolls his eyes whilst Masao pours himself yet another cup of sake.
"Ignore them, Jun-kun. Don't you want a drink?" Hitoshi asks, offering to pour some sake for him.
"Err, no," Jun tries to prevaricate, and Tatsuya snorts in amusement.
"You're a poor liar," he says, "Go ahead and have some. I have to drive anyway."
Hitoshi quickly changes the conversation before Masao has the chance to say anything more. "How did the university entrance exams go, Jun-kun?"
Jun winces and Hitoshi looks sympathetic. "Not too good?"
"No," Jun mumbles. "I didn't have time to prepare properly for it."
Tatsuya shifts on his chair, looking discomfited. Hitoshi purses his lips and glances at his friend, making it clear as to who he blamed for Jun's academic predicament.
"Never figured out what good going to school served," Masao says and Hitoshi gives him a quelling stare. "I still managed to get a job."
"Jun doesn't need your kind of job," Tatsuya says sharply. Masao glares at Tatsuya, daring him to say more but Tatsuya doesn't continue.
"Going ronin then?" Hitoshi asks, refusing to get drawn into Masao and Tatsuya's argument. Jun nods.
Hitoshi grins wickedly. "Don't feel too bad. Tatsuya nearly had to be ronin himself."
"Oy!" Tatsuya exclaims, looking annoyed.
Hitoshi ignores him and continues blithely, "But he managed to scrape through into Waseda anyway. Just a few points past the required score, mind you. But he got in."
Tatsuya looks disgruntled and Hitoshi laughs. "Don't tell me you're still sore about that!"
"Bloody admissions criteria," Tatsuya complains, and he takes a long drink from his Perrier.
x.
"Did you enjoy yourself?" Tatsuya asks later when they're back in Jun's apartment. "I'm sorry I brought you along but Hitoshi wanted to see how you were doing."
"Yes," Jun smiles, "It was fun."
"Except for Masao," Tatsuya grumbles. "I still don't get what Hitoshi sees in him."
"Masao-san, is he a, uh..."
"Yes," Tatsuya replies, understanding Jun's question. "He is."
"Oh."
"It started when Hitoshi was in medical school," Tatsuya explains. "It didn't work out for a while. But when I got back from America, they seemed to have sorted out their problems."
He exhales softly. "Pity about that. He's going to get Hitoshi into trouble someday. I can feel it."
They sit quietly together, content and well-fed after the good meal earlier. Tatsuya leans back and crosses his legs, shirt untucked from his trousers, with cuffs rolled back and top buttons undone. He looks as relaxed as Jun has ever seen him.
"I didn't realise you didn't drink," Jun says tentatively, worried that Tatsuya might not appreciate the remark.
"Hmm?"
"I never noticed you never took alcohol."
"Oh. That. Yes, I don't drink at all."
"Why not?"
"I nearly killed somebody," Tatsuya replies, trying to keep his tone light. "It was back when I was in America. We were out celebrating the end of the semester. I was driving and I beat a red light."
He drums his fingers on his thigh and continues, "I managed to stop on time. But I'll never forget her face. She was carrying her baby in her arms."
Jun keeps quiet, unsure as to what to say.
"Anyway," Tatsuya stretches his arms and legs, feeling tired muscles stretch and joints pop, "I should leave. Good night."
"Wait. Don't go," Jun says, putting a restraining hand on Tatsuya's arm.
Tatsuya stills immediately.
"I mean you could..." Jun coughs once, then twice, "You could stay."
"Do you know what you're asking for?" Tatsuya asks after a pregenant pause, voice far too steady, "Because all this, what I've done, what I've tried to do... It's not so we could go back to what we had before," Tatsuya finishes. "That part's over. You know that."
Jun nods. "I know. But I thought," he shifts on the couch, rubbing one foot against the other, "I thought we could try for something different this time round."
Tatsuya tilts his head back and stares at the ceiling.
"If you don't mind, that is," Jun continues lamely.
"Are you sure?" Tatsuya asks, still looking heavenward, his voice sounding as if it is coming from far away.
"... Yes."
Tatsuya turns to face Jun and trails a finger slowly down his arm. "Would this be all right with you then?" Tatsuya asks, the question loaded with meaning.
Jun swallows. "I don't know. But we could try?"
Tatsuya quirks one side of his mouth and exhales softly. "Fair enough."
"It's just that... we could go slow?"
Tatsuya reaches up and cups the side of Jun's face, a callused thumb stroking Jun's cheek softly. Jun takes a deep breath, not shying way from the touch, and looks Tatsuya in the eyes (funny how it's easier to do that now, he thinks). After a long while, Tatsuya nods his head.
"Go ahead," he says, "I'll join you later."
Jun agrees and heads to the bedroom alone. He is almost asleep when he finally hears Tatsuya padding into the room, the light from his laptop casting shadows across the bed. He settles down next to Jun, and begins work again, fingers tapping on the keypad. Then Tatsuya reaches out with one hand, carding his fingers through Jun's hair gently.
There are no nightmares that night.
the end