[other] five stages
author: leni (shuua)
email: faranth514 [at] gmail.com
1. ecstasy
"6:51:42 a.m. watching her watching me watching her -"
you know it when she smiles. you think to yourself: that's it, this is it. like an epiphany out of nowhere, like the revelation of saint john, it's so perfect, it's so clear, it's so beautiful that you can't do anything but smile back like a cheap knock off of a masterpiece, like the stuttering, quaint imitations of a child. you smile back at her and you want to weep, you want to cry until there is nothing left in you because she is real - real flesh and blood and warmth and light and shadow and salty tears and gnashing teeth and tangling hair, her head across your lap and your heart across her lips.
you think to yourself: that's it, this is it. all the stomach-turning romance novels, all the roses and chocolates, all the sunrises and sunsets, all the romeos and juliets, all the sex and scandals, all the suns and all the stars and all the moons, all the everythings all the nothings all the heres and nows.
you'll never feel this way again and you'll feel this way tomorrow. she's the one and she's a dime a dozen. this moment is forever and it will pass
right
now.
2. escape
"châteaux en espagne"
cigarette ash falls in slow motion as she turns to you with a smile. you think of the dancing girls with their corsets laced up so tight so tight and garters. hold me, she whispers, and you think of the wife at home with her apron knot up so tight so tight and soft hands. you put your palm to her face and run your thumb firmly across her lips. red smear on white skin, smoke drifting up up and away, and somewhere far off the sound of relief.
3. obsession
"matryoshka"
she has a beast inside her. i watch it grow and eat her away.
when she smiles i want to punch her in the mouth, i want to feel her teeth against my fist, i want to see her bleed - just to be sure. when she laughs it rings empty in my ears, i want to cut her throat and let it out let it out.
she's my baby, my darling, my sweetheart. she's my little hollow ghost of a girl as it grows and grows.
(i watch her sleep, counting her breaths - just to be sure.)
4. separation
"if only you could taste it"
i dreamed of you the other day.
i dreamt of that night we lay side by side, looking up at the stars from the rooftop. remember?
you asked me what i was thinking.
i said i was wondering what stardust tasted like.
you called me an idiot.
i laughed, and said that 'stardust' would be a good name for a food.
ice cream, you suggested.
how would it taste, i asked.
you didn't answer for a while. the air was cold and i could see our breath: white mist hanging above our heads.
we turned to each other at the same time and you kissed me.
it would taste like that, you said.
i called you an idiot.
you laughed, and said i was a terrible romantic.
i love you, i said. how's that for romantic?
as romantic as stardust kisses, you said.
i woke up then. my eyes opened to a starry sky.
i turned my head but you were not there.
i dreamed of you the other day.
how's that for romantic?
5. longing
"done and gone"
i never had a chance:
holding my heart in your teeth, so cruel i could die again.
salt my stings as i lick my wounds (i've grown to love the taste).
each time we collide it burns a little more (i come lay down at your feet).
your shape fits mine, just so (it's empty when you leave).
i never had a chance:
you whisper in my ear, tell me that you
love me, love me--
love me?
the end
email: faranth514 [at] gmail.com
1. ecstasy
"6:51:42 a.m. watching her watching me watching her -"
you know it when she smiles. you think to yourself: that's it, this is it. like an epiphany out of nowhere, like the revelation of saint john, it's so perfect, it's so clear, it's so beautiful that you can't do anything but smile back like a cheap knock off of a masterpiece, like the stuttering, quaint imitations of a child. you smile back at her and you want to weep, you want to cry until there is nothing left in you because she is real - real flesh and blood and warmth and light and shadow and salty tears and gnashing teeth and tangling hair, her head across your lap and your heart across her lips.
you think to yourself: that's it, this is it. all the stomach-turning romance novels, all the roses and chocolates, all the sunrises and sunsets, all the romeos and juliets, all the sex and scandals, all the suns and all the stars and all the moons, all the everythings all the nothings all the heres and nows.
you'll never feel this way again and you'll feel this way tomorrow. she's the one and she's a dime a dozen. this moment is forever and it will pass
right
now.
2. escape
"châteaux en espagne"
cigarette ash falls in slow motion as she turns to you with a smile. you think of the dancing girls with their corsets laced up so tight so tight and garters. hold me, she whispers, and you think of the wife at home with her apron knot up so tight so tight and soft hands. you put your palm to her face and run your thumb firmly across her lips. red smear on white skin, smoke drifting up up and away, and somewhere far off the sound of relief.
3. obsession
"matryoshka"
she has a beast inside her. i watch it grow and eat her away.
when she smiles i want to punch her in the mouth, i want to feel her teeth against my fist, i want to see her bleed - just to be sure. when she laughs it rings empty in my ears, i want to cut her throat and let it out let it out.
she's my baby, my darling, my sweetheart. she's my little hollow ghost of a girl as it grows and grows.
(i watch her sleep, counting her breaths - just to be sure.)
4. separation
"if only you could taste it"
i dreamed of you the other day.
i dreamt of that night we lay side by side, looking up at the stars from the rooftop. remember?
you asked me what i was thinking.
i said i was wondering what stardust tasted like.
you called me an idiot.
i laughed, and said that 'stardust' would be a good name for a food.
ice cream, you suggested.
how would it taste, i asked.
you didn't answer for a while. the air was cold and i could see our breath: white mist hanging above our heads.
we turned to each other at the same time and you kissed me.
it would taste like that, you said.
i called you an idiot.
you laughed, and said i was a terrible romantic.
i love you, i said. how's that for romantic?
as romantic as stardust kisses, you said.
i woke up then. my eyes opened to a starry sky.
i turned my head but you were not there.
i dreamed of you the other day.
how's that for romantic?
5. longing
"done and gone"
i never had a chance:
holding my heart in your teeth, so cruel i could die again.
salt my stings as i lick my wounds (i've grown to love the taste).
each time we collide it burns a little more (i come lay down at your feet).
your shape fits mine, just so (it's empty when you leave).
i never had a chance:
you whisper in my ear, tell me that you
love me, love me--
love me?
the end