[story] the secret lives of dead turtles
author: jaz templet (yachiru)
email: yachiru [at] gmail.com
Aunt Eloise talked to a dead turtle.
Zeke was sure it was dead. He'd never seen the head, arms, or legs. He'd poked it a few times and even knocked on the green shell; all that emitted was a low, hollow sound. It reminded Zeke of the extra evil laugh the villain on Power Rangers had. He'd told Aunt Eloise the turtle was dead, but she'd pretended not to speak English. He kept trying for a while, but by age ten he'd given up. Aunt Eloise treated that turtle like it was her best friend. She carried it around and talked to it all the time. Zeke thought it was really weird, and he never invited friends over to her house to see it.
She'd been taking care of him as long as he could remember. His mother died, Eloise told him his father was "no account," and Zeke'd never met him. He'd heard his name was Ray, that he used to be a big shot over at the paper mill company before it burned down.
It wasn't a bad life. They lived in a small town, and Zeke liked the little school. The town was so tiny that he could walk to and from the one and only schoolhouse every day. It was especially hot that summer, but Zeke didn't mind the walk. He liked to stop and pick up interesting rocks along the path. The teacher, Miss Untherlue, kept a cooler of bottled water near the front door for the students. Zeke figured she'd learned her lesson after Fat Jessy fainted on the steps a couple of weeks ago: the girl just keeled over, busting her head wide open. The children had gathered around the body in awe, poking it with sticks, until an adult came by and called the doctor. Zeke didn't know what all the hoopin' and hollerin' was about. The blood had looked pretty cool.
Miss Untherlue told them later that day that Fat Jessy was fine, but had a cussin'. It sounded fun to Zeke; his aunt never let him cuss. She kept telling him it wasn't what a young man oughta do. She sure did have a lotta rules about stuff like that: no spitting or swearing and a whole lot of scrubbing and washing of body parts.
It was the day before Summer Vacation started, and Zeke couldn't wait to get out of the school house. His best friend, Dob, was going to come over and stay the night to celebrate. Zeke'd hidden the nefarious turtle to spare himself any embarrassment. Dob was pretty new to town. He was from some big city and had a slick look about him. He used hair gel to spike his dirty blonde hair straight up. It looked kinda ridiculous, but Dob said it was "uber cool" where he came from. They'd met a couple of weeks ago, and Zeke liked him. He was nice, and he could keep his mouth shut about things. He also had the most amazing repertoire of dirty jokes that Zeke had ever experienced.
"D, you ready?"
"Yeah. I just need to give my mom your aunt's number before we go." Dob hitched his backpack up on his back, and they walked over to his house.
Zeke was always a little envious when he was inside Dob's house. His mother was hot, and she kept the house spotless. There were televisions in every room. Aunt Elie said television was "the devil" and refused to have one. Zeke went to his friend's houses for his television fix, but it just wasn't the same.
They finally got to Zeke's house and decided to make themselves a snack. Aunt Eloise was off somewhere with her church friends, saving some poor people's souls. Until he was seven, Zeke thought the only people whose souls needed saving were people who had no shoes.
Since Zeke was the host, he made the sandwiches while Dob explored the house,
"Hey Zeke! Look what I found! Let's play football with it!" Dob called from outside.
Zeke looked out of the window in horror. Dob had found the turtle. He ran out and made a grab for it.
"Give it back!"
"Huh? Z, it's just a dead turtle! Relax." He held the turtle high as Zeke jumped for it.
"It's not mine. Now come on." Zeke pushed Dob and he stumbled, dropping the turtle. It rolled and rolled again, plopping into the river.
Zeke cursed and tried to grab it before it was swept into the current. Too late.
"Z?! What is your malfunction!"
"It's my Aunt's! She loves that stupid thing. She's gonna be so sad. And so mad at me. We have to get it."
"Umm.. it's way down the river by now. I don't think we could ever find it." Dob shoved his hands in his pockets.
Zeke pictured his aunt coming home and finding no turtle. She'd beat him with the wooden spoon she kept near the fridge. Then she'd cry. He didn't know which
was worse.
"Okay. Okay ... what we're going to do is ... find ... the ... turtle. Okay? I'll borrow that old canoe over there. It belongs to old man Thump, and he don't care
who uses it as he's to old to anymore. We go down the river. The turtle is bound to have snagged on something. We grab the turtle, come home, and never speak
of this again."
"But I can't swim!"
Zeke grabbed Dob's shirt and yelled in his face. "You wanted to play turtle football! YOU ARE GOING! OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL OUT OF YOUR ASS!"
He'd seen that in a movie once and thought it'd be cool to try. It looked like it worked, because Dob's skin turned white and he shut up.
They got into the rickety canoe and started towards the river, paddling furiously. They didn't speak. Zeke could hear the crickets and the water rushing. He felt better.
He felt optimistic. They'd find the turtle and all would be well.
"Sorry about earlier D. I just went a little crazy there."
"S'cool. I didn't know it was important. We can find it."
"Shit!" Zeke cursed as they bumped into a rock. It punctured the bottom of the boat, and they started taking on water,
"I can't swim, Z! I can't swim!" Dob screamed.
"Dob! Just paddle for that side of the river as fast as you can!" They paddled, and then Zeke got out and started to push the boat towards the bank. It tipped, and Dob flailed around, screaming.
"You gotta relax or you'll drown!" Zeke pulled Dob up and swam him, little by little, to the bank. They hunched on the soft earth, Dob sobbing and Zeke wheezing.
Zeke heard a small sound and looked up. He saw the largest hog he had ever seen in his life. It had the turtle shell in it's giant mouth.
"Oh my God."
"What?!" Zeke pointed towards the hog.
"Oh my God. . . Zeke we can't get that shell. Look at the size of it."
"I did not almost drown to lose to a giant slab of bacon. We are getting that turtle. We are getting that turtle."
"Zeke, you are a crazy bastard. But you did save my life."
Dob shook, spraying water everywhere. His hair still retained the gel, so it stuck up on all sides. He looked like an angry porcupine.
"Let's do this." He said.
Zeke nodded and they both grabbed some large branches. Dob wiped a finger on the muddy soil, and swiped it on both cheeks. They snuck up behind the hog on their
bellies.
Zeke went left so he could grab the shell while Dob went right so he could whack the hog. They struck. Zeke grabbed, Dob whacked, and the pig went crazy.
He charged Dob and Dob started dodging like a matador. They ran, with the hog chasing them.
"Dob. If the pig kills us I just want you to know that you did good today."
"Tell my mom I love her." Dob replied.
They ran until they came to a dead end. The pig paused and then reared back to charge. Zeke squeezed his eyes shut. "Hey! What you doin' with mah dad's pig!"
"Wha?" Zeke opened his eyes. Fat Jessy stood by the giant hog, her hand on it's back.
"Fat Jessy? Killer Hog is yours?" Dob said.
"The name is Jessica. You call me that name again and I'll let Francis et ya." She rubbed the pig and it grunted in bliss.
"Sorry. It just had my aunt's turtle so we had to get it back. Didn't mean no harm." Zeke explained.
"Hmm. I guess not. I see ya got a turtle there so I have'ta believe you. You shore are crazy though. Trying to fight Francis for a dead turtle."
"It's not dead! It's just resting." The shell rumbled and a small green head poked out. Dob and Zeke stared. It wiggled it's hand and then drifted back into the shell.
"Whatever. See ya." She lead the Godzilla Hog away and the boys breathed a sigh of relief.
"Wanna go home and eat some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches?" Zeke asked.
"Yeah."
the end
email: yachiru [at] gmail.com
Aunt Eloise talked to a dead turtle.
Zeke was sure it was dead. He'd never seen the head, arms, or legs. He'd poked it a few times and even knocked on the green shell; all that emitted was a low, hollow sound. It reminded Zeke of the extra evil laugh the villain on Power Rangers had. He'd told Aunt Eloise the turtle was dead, but she'd pretended not to speak English. He kept trying for a while, but by age ten he'd given up. Aunt Eloise treated that turtle like it was her best friend. She carried it around and talked to it all the time. Zeke thought it was really weird, and he never invited friends over to her house to see it.
She'd been taking care of him as long as he could remember. His mother died, Eloise told him his father was "no account," and Zeke'd never met him. He'd heard his name was Ray, that he used to be a big shot over at the paper mill company before it burned down.
It wasn't a bad life. They lived in a small town, and Zeke liked the little school. The town was so tiny that he could walk to and from the one and only schoolhouse every day. It was especially hot that summer, but Zeke didn't mind the walk. He liked to stop and pick up interesting rocks along the path. The teacher, Miss Untherlue, kept a cooler of bottled water near the front door for the students. Zeke figured she'd learned her lesson after Fat Jessy fainted on the steps a couple of weeks ago: the girl just keeled over, busting her head wide open. The children had gathered around the body in awe, poking it with sticks, until an adult came by and called the doctor. Zeke didn't know what all the hoopin' and hollerin' was about. The blood had looked pretty cool.
Miss Untherlue told them later that day that Fat Jessy was fine, but had a cussin'. It sounded fun to Zeke; his aunt never let him cuss. She kept telling him it wasn't what a young man oughta do. She sure did have a lotta rules about stuff like that: no spitting or swearing and a whole lot of scrubbing and washing of body parts.
It was the day before Summer Vacation started, and Zeke couldn't wait to get out of the school house. His best friend, Dob, was going to come over and stay the night to celebrate. Zeke'd hidden the nefarious turtle to spare himself any embarrassment. Dob was pretty new to town. He was from some big city and had a slick look about him. He used hair gel to spike his dirty blonde hair straight up. It looked kinda ridiculous, but Dob said it was "uber cool" where he came from. They'd met a couple of weeks ago, and Zeke liked him. He was nice, and he could keep his mouth shut about things. He also had the most amazing repertoire of dirty jokes that Zeke had ever experienced.
"D, you ready?"
"Yeah. I just need to give my mom your aunt's number before we go." Dob hitched his backpack up on his back, and they walked over to his house.
Zeke was always a little envious when he was inside Dob's house. His mother was hot, and she kept the house spotless. There were televisions in every room. Aunt Elie said television was "the devil" and refused to have one. Zeke went to his friend's houses for his television fix, but it just wasn't the same.
They finally got to Zeke's house and decided to make themselves a snack. Aunt Eloise was off somewhere with her church friends, saving some poor people's souls. Until he was seven, Zeke thought the only people whose souls needed saving were people who had no shoes.
Since Zeke was the host, he made the sandwiches while Dob explored the house,
"Hey Zeke! Look what I found! Let's play football with it!" Dob called from outside.
Zeke looked out of the window in horror. Dob had found the turtle. He ran out and made a grab for it.
"Give it back!"
"Huh? Z, it's just a dead turtle! Relax." He held the turtle high as Zeke jumped for it.
"It's not mine. Now come on." Zeke pushed Dob and he stumbled, dropping the turtle. It rolled and rolled again, plopping into the river.
Zeke cursed and tried to grab it before it was swept into the current. Too late.
"Z?! What is your malfunction!"
"It's my Aunt's! She loves that stupid thing. She's gonna be so sad. And so mad at me. We have to get it."
"Umm.. it's way down the river by now. I don't think we could ever find it." Dob shoved his hands in his pockets.
Zeke pictured his aunt coming home and finding no turtle. She'd beat him with the wooden spoon she kept near the fridge. Then she'd cry. He didn't know which
was worse.
"Okay. Okay ... what we're going to do is ... find ... the ... turtle. Okay? I'll borrow that old canoe over there. It belongs to old man Thump, and he don't care
who uses it as he's to old to anymore. We go down the river. The turtle is bound to have snagged on something. We grab the turtle, come home, and never speak
of this again."
"But I can't swim!"
Zeke grabbed Dob's shirt and yelled in his face. "You wanted to play turtle football! YOU ARE GOING! OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL OUT OF YOUR ASS!"
He'd seen that in a movie once and thought it'd be cool to try. It looked like it worked, because Dob's skin turned white and he shut up.
They got into the rickety canoe and started towards the river, paddling furiously. They didn't speak. Zeke could hear the crickets and the water rushing. He felt better.
He felt optimistic. They'd find the turtle and all would be well.
"Sorry about earlier D. I just went a little crazy there."
"S'cool. I didn't know it was important. We can find it."
"Shit!" Zeke cursed as they bumped into a rock. It punctured the bottom of the boat, and they started taking on water,
"I can't swim, Z! I can't swim!" Dob screamed.
"Dob! Just paddle for that side of the river as fast as you can!" They paddled, and then Zeke got out and started to push the boat towards the bank. It tipped, and Dob flailed around, screaming.
"You gotta relax or you'll drown!" Zeke pulled Dob up and swam him, little by little, to the bank. They hunched on the soft earth, Dob sobbing and Zeke wheezing.
Zeke heard a small sound and looked up. He saw the largest hog he had ever seen in his life. It had the turtle shell in it's giant mouth.
"Oh my God."
"What?!" Zeke pointed towards the hog.
"Oh my God. . . Zeke we can't get that shell. Look at the size of it."
"I did not almost drown to lose to a giant slab of bacon. We are getting that turtle. We are getting that turtle."
"Zeke, you are a crazy bastard. But you did save my life."
Dob shook, spraying water everywhere. His hair still retained the gel, so it stuck up on all sides. He looked like an angry porcupine.
"Let's do this." He said.
Zeke nodded and they both grabbed some large branches. Dob wiped a finger on the muddy soil, and swiped it on both cheeks. They snuck up behind the hog on their
bellies.
Zeke went left so he could grab the shell while Dob went right so he could whack the hog. They struck. Zeke grabbed, Dob whacked, and the pig went crazy.
He charged Dob and Dob started dodging like a matador. They ran, with the hog chasing them.
"Dob. If the pig kills us I just want you to know that you did good today."
"Tell my mom I love her." Dob replied.
They ran until they came to a dead end. The pig paused and then reared back to charge. Zeke squeezed his eyes shut. "Hey! What you doin' with mah dad's pig!"
"Wha?" Zeke opened his eyes. Fat Jessy stood by the giant hog, her hand on it's back.
"Fat Jessy? Killer Hog is yours?" Dob said.
"The name is Jessica. You call me that name again and I'll let Francis et ya." She rubbed the pig and it grunted in bliss.
"Sorry. It just had my aunt's turtle so we had to get it back. Didn't mean no harm." Zeke explained.
"Hmm. I guess not. I see ya got a turtle there so I have'ta believe you. You shore are crazy though. Trying to fight Francis for a dead turtle."
"It's not dead! It's just resting." The shell rumbled and a small green head poked out. Dob and Zeke stared. It wiggled it's hand and then drifted back into the shell.
"Whatever. See ya." She lead the Godzilla Hog away and the boys breathed a sigh of relief.
"Wanna go home and eat some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches?" Zeke asked.
"Yeah."
the end