Beware of the Bear
Title: Beware of the Bear
Author: iantojjackh
Rating: R
Summary: He was made of fluff but Torchwood knows how he came to life one day. There must have been some magic in that silk suit they found.
Characters: Team Torchwood and Mr. Fuzzies.
Disclaimer: See profile for standard disclaimer
Spoilers: None
Word Count: ~1.7k
Warnings: This probably should have a bunch, but I wouldn't know where to begin.
Notes: Sequel to Across the Miles. Written for badly-knitted who gave me this idea a year ago. Hopefully it will make her laugh a little. Part of My Immortal Ianto series. Yes, I shamelessly borrowed and rewrote lyrics for the summary.
Beware of the Bear
Ask your average person and they would wonder what trouble could sixteen inches of fluff could cause? Jack proclaimed that his penis is not made of fluff and that it started wars on other planets. Ianto told him to stop exaggerating and reminded him that measuring tapes never lie and showed he was off by several inches.
Mr. Fuzzies got his revenge one day with some help from the rift. The story was one that would live on forever in the annals of Torchwood history. It would be known as the day a teddy bear almost bought about the end of the world.
This is the story of the day Mr. Fuzzies came to life...or is it?
-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-
It was a normal rainy day in Cardiff and the male inhabitants of the hub were getting on each other's nerves.
Owen yelled when something brushed against his leg. "If you two are playing footsie under the table, your aim is a little off. I don't want to partake in your sex games."
The couple was about to protest their innocence until Tosh let out a large shriek as something furry massaged between her legs and ripped her lace knickers from her body. "What the..." she pushed herself away from the table to see a suit clad teddy bear scamper toward the door.
"To add to your collection," the evil bear cackled and smirked knowingly at Owen.
"What the fuck?" Owen did not hold back the language as the pink lace undergarment was tossed onto his lap. "Was that a teddy bear in a suit?"
"Mr. Fuzzies?" Jack asked. "It wasn't me. Didn't you put him in the bedroom closet?" he saw the annoyed look Ianto was giving him. "He certainly wasn't alive last time I saw him."
Owen rolled his eyes, "Do I even want to know?"
"No, you don't. He's Jack's toy." Ianto said quickly as got up to see where the bear ran off to.
Before the men could leave the conference room, Gwen's blood curling scream pierced through the hub.
Gwen was almost frozen in terror as Mr. Fuzzies humped her leg.
"That's right baby. Let me show you what a real man can do. Sixteen inches of pure fun waiting to show you a good time." The bear jumped up and slapped Gwen's backside. "Could use a little firming up. Get on the floor and let Mr. Fuzzies take care of that for you." This was all said while the small creature made crude gyrating gestures with his hips and cupped the small furry bump between his legs.
Gwen glared at the insulting piece of fluff. "What the hell?" She asked as Ianto took the stairs two at time.
"It belongs to Jack," Ianto huffed as he tried to grab the bear and got a nice hold on a large amount of fluff.
"The one who used me to polish off his knob? What a wanker. What kind of loser uses a bear to get his rocks off?" Mr. Fuzzies sneered and lunged at Ianto, sinking his teeth into Ianto's hand and biting down with all his might.
Ianto screamed as the teeth almost bit his hand down to the bone. "Damn't Jack," he yelled as blood poured from his hand. Since when does a stuffed bear have teeth?
"Get that bear," Jack chased after the fluffy terror as it scurried just out of reach under a desk.
"Take that Captain Masturbator," Mr. Fuzzies used the set of black satin handcuffs to tether Jack to the desk and smack the Captain's hand with the accompanying riding crop. "Does that feel good? Whose ass is going to be spanked raw tonight? Is it baby face over there? Do you enjoy robbing the cradle? Is he even legal?"
Just as Owen was about to capture Mr. Fuzzies, the pint sized terror took off again and managed to escape deeper into the bowels of the hub.
Ear splitting squawks echoed through the cavernous hub and a moment later Myfanwy soared into the room, flying erratically as to shake something from her back.
"Wheeeeeeee," the deranged bear cackled as the pteranodon flew toward the top of hub taking Mr. Fuzzies with her. "Sayonara, fuckers!" The high pitched voce echoed in the hollow caverns of the hub.
Seconds later the bundle of fluff flew out of the hub and it was not long before screams of terror soon filled the air. People jumped into the bay to escape the furry nightmare as others climbed walls and benches. People that tried to kick the bear ended up with bite marks as Mr. Fuzzies used them for his sexual gratification. One old lady had her shirt ripped off and her sagging breasts sucked on. A few people ended up with knife wounds to their legs and abdomens.
"Wheeeee," Fuzzies attempted to use the large bra from the old lady as a means to take flight, but he failed as his head became lodged in one of the oversized cups.
Finally the Torchwood Team was able to wrangle the beast back into the hub and it looked like Mr. Fuzzies reign of terror had finally come to an end until he lunged at Jack with a large knife in hand.
"I will not be your knob polisher!" Mr. Fuzzies yelled as he plunged the knife into Jack. Blood was everywhere and the world went dark for the horny captain.
-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-
Jack bolted upright, his heart pounding in his chest. He started to panic when the other half of the bed was empty except for the beady eyed bear staring back at him. "What did you do to Ianto?" He asked the stuffed bear, checking it for any sign of the carnage it caused earlier.
"Who are you talking to?" Ianto asked from the doorway of the en-suite, drying his hands and looking down right delectable.
"Mr. Fuzzies." Jack held up the bear. "Real funny leaving him on your spot on the bed."
"I didn't leave that thing anywhere. I thought you left the bear in one of the cells? Why did you bring it home?" Ianto could never see what Jack saw in the bear.
"I didn't." Jack frowned as he stared into the plastic eyes of the bear. If he did not know better, Jack swore the eyes glowed red for a second and the bear gave off a low insane laugh.
"Gah," Jack yelped, feeling his blood turn to ice. He tossed Mr. Fuzzies as far from the bed as he could manage as its maniacal cackling assaulted his ears.
"That's what you get for using Mr. Fuzzies as a masturbation tool." Ianto sounded disappointed in Jack's actions. "You will never learn, will you?" There was a menace to his voice that made Jack very scared which almost never happened with Ianto.
"What are you doing?" Jack scrambled, trying to get away from Ianto. It was no use, the quicker Jack tried to get away the slower he moved as it seemed the bed was trying to swallow him whole.
"Just relax Jack and this will all be over soon," Ianto promised, his eyes glowing a haunting red.
Jack would have to rethink about red being Ianto's colour.
Jack gulped as Ianto pulled back the covers and saw his hands had been replaced with stuffed bear arms. The furry hands began to have their way with Jack and Ianto used the electrostatic properties of his new furry appendages to make thing as shockingly painful for the older immortal as possible.
"Stop. That really hurts." Jack was usually game for almost anything, but not this.
The furry arms left a trail of tingling skin until they reach his head and the surge felt like a lightening strike to the brain.
-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-
"No, Ianto. STOP!" Jack yelled and suddenly found himself on the hub couch with his head in Ianto's lap. A burning smell hung in the air and a slight turn of his head to the left revealed the source. A pile of fluff and stuffing, laid charred to a crisp with two fuzzy brown ears as the only clue that it was once Mr. Fuzzies.
"You're finally awake," Ianto smiled with relief as his fingers tangled into Jack's hair.
"What happened?" Jack now felt like his body had been through a wash and dry cycle.
"The spirit of a serial killer came through the rift and possessed that damn bear. Mr. Fuzzies caused a lot of havoc and his last act was knocking you down the stairs while trying to castrate you. Tosh had to destroy him with a blow torch." Ianto explained as if it was an everyday occurrence.
"Just another normal day at Torchwood," Jack smiled wistfully and his eyes begged Ianto to lie with him. The events of the day slowly came back and Jack shuttered as he realised the deviation one bear could have caused.
"And we were there to save the day again." Ianto complied with Jack's wishes and curled in close with his arm over Jack's stomach. "Gwen and Tosh are giving Retcon those who Mr. Fuzzies tried to fondle and/or kill on the Plass. Owen is giving Myfanwy a sedative."
"And you got the job of looking after me," Jack sighed with contentment as Ianto's breath tickled against his ear.
"Couldn't ask for a better job. Just relax and let your body finish healing." Ianto held on a little tighter and started to sing a Welsh lullaby, trying to soothe the negative emotions Jack was giving off.
"You aren't going shock me with furry arms?" Jack gulped. "It really hurt the first time. He didn't castrate me, did he?" His eyes grew wide at idea of being an eunuch. There were worst things than being immortal and that was living a very long life without a penis.
"No to both. And if Mr. Fuzzies did castrate you, wouldn't it grow back?" Ianto did not bother to ask about the rest, assuming it was a dream Jack had while unconscious.
"It should, but I don't think it wouldn't be the same and it's not something I want to test out. What if it grew only to half its original size?" Jack was horrified by the idea of regrowing his precious reproductive organs.
"See they are all there," Ianto took Jack's hand and brushed it against the front of his trousers. "One twenty-two centimeter shaft and two attached testicles, the right one slightly larger then the left."
"And it works too," Jack felt himself starting to get aroused.
The world was a better place now that Mr. Fuzzies had been vanquished and Jack's cock was in working order.