When the Bough Breaks
Title: When the Bough Breaks
Author: iantojjackh
Rating: R
Summary: What happens after Jack freezes Captain Junior?
Characters: Appearances by the whole team
Warnings: Pure crack. I suggest proceeding with caution if eating or drinking while reading this. Also not safe for reading at work.
Word Count: 683
Notes: Thank you to badly-knitted for the quick beta on this and who suggested a sequel in Jackcicle.
When the Bough Breaks
"Got a present for you, Jones." Owen tossed Ianto the object he had been holding when he exited Jack's office. "I think Harkness is going to need you."
Ianto did not know what was thrown to him as he did not look at it, but whatever it was, it was cold. Freezing cold in fact. "Why did you give me this?" Ianto asked calmly as he looked at his lover's manhood in his hand. His tone was as if Jack's penis breaking off was an everyday occurrence.
"It broke off while examining him. I'm just returning it to its owner."
"And since when am I the owner of this?" Ianto stroked the penis as if it was still attached to Jack. He did it just to rile Owen up, which it did.
"Shit, put that down. You're a twisted man." Owen shook his head in disbelief that Ianto was not taking this seriously.
"You threw a penis at me. How do you expect me to react?" Ianto waved the detached member around like it was a wand before throwing it at Owen. "Dissect it. Study it. Be jealous of its size even with shrinkage. I'll stay with Jack while he regrows a new one again."
"Again?" Owen regretted asking the second the question rolled off his tongue. "Wait never mind. I don't want an answer to that. There isn't enough liquor and Retcon in the universe to wipe those memories."
"Owen!" Jack's voice bellowed from his office. "Bring my penis back right now!"
Gwen's head shot up at Jack's last statement and she saw Owen holding said penis. She shrugged unamused at what ever was going on. It was down to her and Tosh to be the only things in the hub that Jack's penis had not touched. "I thought it would be bigger." She giggled before returning to her work. It was an attempt at a joke as Jack had always boasted about his size and she was not all that impressed. Perhaps it was unwise to tease a man about his penis size when it was detached from its person.
"Hey!" Jack was clearly offended.
"Shrinkage." The couple yelled out in near synchronisation.
"I want my penis back. Give it back to Ianto."
Owen obeyed the order and handed the still frozen flesh to Ianto.
"Can we reattach it?" Jack felt odd that between his legs was empty, but at the same time it felt like something was there, a phantom penis as it were.
"I'm afraid not, Jack. I'm sorry about this, but you damaged it beyond repair." Owen looked to Ianto to use his Jack coping skills to placate the worried Captain.
"But I'm fond of it. It was a good one. It was my favourite of all time." Jack said in an overly dramatic tone, starting himself. It always itched worse than anything when he had to regrow a limb.
"Oi, I don't need to see that. Can you at least put some clothes on?" Owen shouted as he averted his eyes.
"Don't worry we'll give your penis a proper funeral. We can bury it in Bute Park," Ianto said with a solemn expression, but trying his hardest not to double over laughing.
"This is serious. Stop laughing," Jack pouted and pointed at his other half.
"I'm not laughing," Ianto held his hands up in defence.
"I know you. You are laughing on the inside."
Ianto finally let out a hardy chuckle. "What do you expect? You should have taken better care of it. What made you think I'd let you stick something frozen up my arse again?"
Tosh had just walked into the room and promptly turned around.
Gwen choked on the biscuit she was eating and Owen whined and covered his ears.
"I liked you better when you were quiet, before you were corrupted by Harkness. I'm going to try to forget you ever said that."
Later that evening, after Jack's new penis grew in, Jack and Ianto held a small memorial for the old one and then went home to break in the new one.
End A/N: I kept hearing this songin my head as I wrote this.