Callahan - The Alien Slayers
Do you remember what it was like to be you in Grade 3? I have hardly any memories of that time, but the memories I do have are fascinatingly specific, full of exact colour-patterns and spatial proportions my mind does not keep for more recent memories.
I remember the time Paul Hubacheck, dearest of all my friends, betrayed my heart to a woman who tore it apart not fifteen minutes later. It was during recess, you see. There was snow everywhere. I had confided my crush on the fair Kathleen McLellan to Paul, and he ran off against my express wishes, blabbing it to her at the boundary near David Ramsey Pool. Once recess was over and we had all shuffled back into Ms. Giammarco's class on the second floor, Kathleen came up to me, at a triangular equidistance between the door and the wall of coathooks, pointed her lily-white finger at my chest, and with a face full of rage and confusion, demanded, "Do you like me?" The blood rushing to my face, rising up on tippytoes like a kid being collar-tugged by a bully for his lunch money, inflating my cheeks like a blowfish (as was my custom when deeply embarrassed), all I could do was shake my head no. "Good," she growled. "Cause you better not."
So distraught was I by this encounter that I immediately bottled all the confusion and pain and negativity inside like a good little Catholic boy. However, I was saved from longterm psychological issues because very shortly after, when I was refusing to explain the source of my red-faced despair to a concerned friend, I let the rage gather in my hands and accidentally ripped a coathook off the wall. Right away, I saw the danger of my emotions, and activated some possibly mystic catharsis that cooled me down cleanly and efficiently. I wish I still had that coathook.
Grade 3 was over a decade ago, folks. Few friendships survive from it. Paul Hubacheck, the great Hero of the Cosmogonic Cycle, is a rare treasure of that age. I found another treasure a few days ago. A story I wrote for some great class project, an epic that reflects the artistic sensibilities of extreme youth that, humourously, have largely gone unchanged. The Justice League of Mississauga, Cycle, Quest For Condor. I see this story in all of them. Perhaps you, also, can find some parts of yourself in this story. Cawthraball Z, Illya? There is something timeless about wanting to write about your friends doing crazy shit.
I have transcribed the story here, letter for letter. I hope you enjoy reading about Paul Hubacheck, Robert Paolini and myself run around beating the crap out of aliens. Illya, or Ian, I don't know how to do the cut/link thing. I would be much obliged if you could edit this entry and make the story clickable, through the caption 'The Alien Slayers... The Alien Returns Part Two'
[Callahan Connor circa 2005 will interject in square brackets like he is doing now]
[Cover]
THE ALIEN RETURNS PART TWO
[A picture of the three Alien Slayers leaping through the air, capes trailing behind them, Black Shadow flinging his right hand close to the viewer, Sly Red looking sweet in his dapper giant red cowboy hat, and Dark Blue kinda looking somewhat interesting with a blue motocross helmet but also kinda awkward as he wasn't allocated enough room on the cover to do anything cool -- my bad! Behind them, two large, menacing disembodied eyes hover, awkwardly separated by a box containing the words 'Written & Illustrated by Callahan Connor']
[Back cover]
BLURB
[The back of the book says Blurb. Kinda funny.]
[Picture of Wildcat's face, sort of an angry hairless cat with a permanently furrowed brow, a triangle nose and Crazy Eyes. Underneath the text: Heee's baack! With a whole new army!!!!]
[Big W]hen Wildcat was defeated for the first time, he got knocked out of the galaxy. Now he's back and it's Nooo joke. If the Alien Slayers don't stop him than the Earth will turn into a mudpie. Who will survive?
[Cracking open the book]
CONTENTS
Chpt. 1: THE CHALLENGE BEGINS..... 2
Chpt. 2: A GREAT LOSS......................6
Chpt. 3: A NEW MEMBER...................10
Chpt. 4: ALERT!...................................14
Chpt. 5: ALIEN FORCE........................18
Chpt. 6: BATTLE..................................22
Chpt. 7: FINAL ATTACK.......................26
CHAPTER 1
THE CHALLENGE BEGINS
[Big A]fter Wildcat was Defeated an even bigger threat occured. Wildcat returned with not only the 4 sorcerors but several other Alien armies. His first appearance was at the NASA space station.
"Hey Buzz, fire up the jets, the count down is in 4 minutes" said one of the workers
"Sure thing George this space test will be like an ALIEN ENCOUNTER, Ha, Ha, Ha
(4 minutes later) 5-4-3-2-1-0, blast-off! VOOM. The ship rose but the people fell. Buzz peeled off his face (mask) and trans-
formed the shuttle into an Alien attack pod
One year later in 2025 the war was on. Terror roamed the streets. Peril flew on clouds, and what's worse was that all the pizzerias were closed. Paper flew and sewers groaned and only 3 people could make a difference . . . . . . . . . . THE ALIEN SLAYERS!
Sly Red [signed by Paul Hubacheck, followed by a badass picture of Sly Red]
Black Shadow [signed by me, followed by a badass picture of Black Shadow]
Dark Blue [signed by Robert Paolini, except not really, because Robert couldn't write cursive at the time, so really signed by Michael Szudy, followed by a badass picture of Dark Blue]
CHAPTER 2
A GREAT LOSS
[Big B]ash! The Alien Slayers (Black Shadow - Callahan, Sly Red - Paul, Dark Blue - Robert P.) just baffled a hole in the escape pod owned by the Aliens. Suddenly Wildcat sprung down and sprayed the alien slayers with knock out gas. When the Alien slayers awoke they were in the same place but only Dark blue was captured
The 2 other alien slayers ran to the secret hideout that they found in their first battle with wildcat. Once they arrived it was not as they expected it. Normally the doors were open as if they were heading into a trap but Nooo sireee!
[Full-page spread of Sly Red and Black Shadow hesitating before the badass bridge to a Skull Fortress with rockets and wires and stuff coming out of it, with lightning and purple clouds in the background. Also worth noting is the sign beside the bridge that reads 'Caution: Unstable Bridge']
The hideout was completely locked up. There was absolutely no way in!
The
fortress was guarded by Aliens. The Aliens were madder than a 7-ton Rhinocerus but what really worried the 2 Alien slayers was one question only! Is Robert O.K.?
CHAPTER 3
A NEW MEMBER
[Big S]ly red tried to break in while Black shadow kept the Aliens busy. The plan worked but there were armies inside the fortress. Sly red was surrounded by Aliens and Black shadow got caught. The 2 alien slayers were thrown into the dungeon that Robert was in.
(3 hours later) "Does anyone have any food" asked Cal "Nope" said the 2 other Alien slayers. "We'll starve" said Robert. BASH! The gate flew open and a masked figure appeared. his name was Revenger.
[Picture of Revenger - a hero with a cool cape, badass shoulder-pads and a face-mask that looks rather like the Spetsnaz bat]
Revenger led the 3 Alien slayers outside to Restore themselves for a while. Sly red felt something. "Hey, guy's did you ever get the feeling that you were being watched" asked Sly red. "Yes" said the two other alien slayers. "But I don't think we are now." said Dark blue (but that's where they were wrong.)
[Another picture of Revenger, this time a full-page spread. He looks particularly cosmic in this one, with a supernova in the background]
CHAPTER 4
ALERT!
[Big V]raieshhackle!" yelled an Evil Alien that was approaching. "YIKES" yelled the 3 Alien slayers and they jumped out of the way but landed in a rapid river. They fell down the river and landed in a portal that led to the 7th Dimension called . . . . . . . . . . Devil's Inheriton.
They begun to explore, when a griffin attacked them. The griffin spoke "[cursive writing, which was a big deal in Gr. 3] Pass this course and you shall enter the fortress of forbidden doom" said the griffin. Sly Red leapt and got bashed by the griffin's tail. Sly red flew backwards and landed in a cave. He crawled through the cave only to find a silver Emerald. Sly red picked it up and crawled out of the cave.
When Sly red appeared, he knew that the Alien slayers needed help. The griffin blew fire but Sly red reflected it with the Emerald, so the griffin was destroyed. The 3 Alien slayers went to the fortress of forbidden doom but they were too weak to enter. What will they do.
CHAPTER 5
ALIEN FORCE
[Big A]ll of a Sudden 3 other mysterious figures Appeared. Flame - Dayne. Ice - Ronald. Oxygen - Elliott. The name of their team was the ALIEN FORCE. The Alien force was willing to help the Alien slayers in defeating Wildcat.
[Picture of Alien Force that only looks partly derivative; Ice is blue, Flame is on fire, Oxygen is also blue but his lips are curved like an O to suggest that he blows out oxygen. They all have helmets with shiny black sunglasses and fairly advanced armour that blends the ridged-console breastplates and wing-like pauldrons of the Japanese robot art-style with more swirling and circular geometry representative of the organic elements that Alien Force anthropomorphizes.]
The 7 heroes ran quickly through the fortress. Before leaving, they encountered a second challenge. The Exterminator Alein DeMon
[Picture of the Exterminator Alien DeMon, a hulking beast of circuitry and steel held aloft by a series of coned rocket boosters, sporting dual flamethrowers and an omnipotent and spiked robotic skull. In the top right corner, there is an attempt at professional, detached computer jargon, with the words: FILE - NAME: Exterminator SUBJECT: Robot FORMAT]
Sly red leapt and cracked a hole in the robots jaw.
[Picture of a flurry of foot, fist and cape severing a jaw from a robotic skull, the word CRASH! is also written]
Black shadow flipped and kicked the DeMon several times. Now the demons wires were broken! Finally Dark blue punched the Demon in the stomach and the Demon was destroyed. The seven heroes continued on their way.
CHAPTER 6
BATTLE
[Big T]he seven heroes escaped the fortress and crossed the bridge that led to Demon land. Suddenly, the Alien slayers 4 old Nemisis's appeared. The 4 sorcerers
[Picture of four long-haired people with capes and magic staffs]
"The sorcerers have advanced and Improved," Black shadow said. "Flame and Sly red team up. Oxygen and Black shadow team up, and I'll go Alone. Attack!" Revenger yelled.
Black shadow leaped at Puny - weirdo . . . . er . . . something like that. The leap that Black shadow made was as well as a backfire. The sorcerer flipped Black shadow on his knees and threw him on the ground. "Everyone, team up for every sorcerer" commanded Black shadow.
[Picture of Black Shadow fustigating a Sorceror]
BAAASH!! WHALLOP!! BOOM!!! the 7 heroes were a blur!!!!! Ice and Dark blue froze one of them, Revenger and black shadow scarred another and the rest of the heroes defeated the sorcerers with a great victory. The 7 heroes found an ancient temple and entered it but then they realized the saying looks can be deceiving was very good advice.
CHAPTER 7
FINAL ATTACK
[Big T]hey entered the temple and searched for Wildcat. That was a Biiiig mistake. The 7 heroes got flung into a dungeon with a high sensitivity to movement security lock and camera. Suddenly Black shadow had an Idea. "Hey mr. fix-it (Robert) Could you please unscrew those untightened shingles up there?" asked Black shadow "Certainly" Dark blue responded. BLAAASH! "Sorry, I had to use the direct approach" said Robert.
They all leaped out of the dungeon and found Wildcat. Wildcat was about to send his demons when Dark blue said "It's not going to work, CHEEZY!" the all knocked Wildcat down "cheezy as leftover mud that is" Robert said and Wild was knocked unconsious. When Wildcat awoke he was in a jail cell. President Haynes awarded the Alien slayers and the Alien force and even Revenger with a medal of gold. The city was safe again thanks to the Alien slayers and the rest of the seven heroes.
THE END
[A credit sequence actually follows, because I guess I figured I was onto something really cinematic when I was interspersing all those dramatic pictures]
Starring
Callahan Connor ~as~ Black shadow.
Paul Hubacheck ~as~ Sly red.
Robert Paolini ~as~ Dark blue.
Ronald Rouse ~as~ Ice.
Elliott Glynn ~as~ Oxygen
Dayne Miranda ~as~ Flame
Jose O. ~as~ Revenger.
Sorcerers ~as~ themselves.
THiS BOOK IS:
Dedicated to:
My friend Paul . H and Jose Oliveria (IV)
[Picture of generic smiling face]
[Reader Comments]
[unintelligable scribble, perhaps a signature] your novel is good Cal!!!
Jonnarthan
I like the book
Alissa, my favourite chapt. was 3 the new member. and the book was very Good.
Chris) I thought it was a very good.
[Thank you very much for reading, and your own Reader Comments are most appreciated]
I remember the time Paul Hubacheck, dearest of all my friends, betrayed my heart to a woman who tore it apart not fifteen minutes later. It was during recess, you see. There was snow everywhere. I had confided my crush on the fair Kathleen McLellan to Paul, and he ran off against my express wishes, blabbing it to her at the boundary near David Ramsey Pool. Once recess was over and we had all shuffled back into Ms. Giammarco's class on the second floor, Kathleen came up to me, at a triangular equidistance between the door and the wall of coathooks, pointed her lily-white finger at my chest, and with a face full of rage and confusion, demanded, "Do you like me?" The blood rushing to my face, rising up on tippytoes like a kid being collar-tugged by a bully for his lunch money, inflating my cheeks like a blowfish (as was my custom when deeply embarrassed), all I could do was shake my head no. "Good," she growled. "Cause you better not."
So distraught was I by this encounter that I immediately bottled all the confusion and pain and negativity inside like a good little Catholic boy. However, I was saved from longterm psychological issues because very shortly after, when I was refusing to explain the source of my red-faced despair to a concerned friend, I let the rage gather in my hands and accidentally ripped a coathook off the wall. Right away, I saw the danger of my emotions, and activated some possibly mystic catharsis that cooled me down cleanly and efficiently. I wish I still had that coathook.
Grade 3 was over a decade ago, folks. Few friendships survive from it. Paul Hubacheck, the great Hero of the Cosmogonic Cycle, is a rare treasure of that age. I found another treasure a few days ago. A story I wrote for some great class project, an epic that reflects the artistic sensibilities of extreme youth that, humourously, have largely gone unchanged. The Justice League of Mississauga, Cycle, Quest For Condor. I see this story in all of them. Perhaps you, also, can find some parts of yourself in this story. Cawthraball Z, Illya? There is something timeless about wanting to write about your friends doing crazy shit.
I have transcribed the story here, letter for letter. I hope you enjoy reading about Paul Hubacheck, Robert Paolini and myself run around beating the crap out of aliens. Illya, or Ian, I don't know how to do the cut/link thing. I would be much obliged if you could edit this entry and make the story clickable, through the caption 'The Alien Slayers... The Alien Returns Part Two'
[Callahan Connor circa 2005 will interject in square brackets like he is doing now]
[Cover]
THE ALIEN RETURNS PART TWO
[A picture of the three Alien Slayers leaping through the air, capes trailing behind them, Black Shadow flinging his right hand close to the viewer, Sly Red looking sweet in his dapper giant red cowboy hat, and Dark Blue kinda looking somewhat interesting with a blue motocross helmet but also kinda awkward as he wasn't allocated enough room on the cover to do anything cool -- my bad! Behind them, two large, menacing disembodied eyes hover, awkwardly separated by a box containing the words 'Written & Illustrated by Callahan Connor']
[Back cover]
BLURB
[The back of the book says Blurb. Kinda funny.]
[Picture of Wildcat's face, sort of an angry hairless cat with a permanently furrowed brow, a triangle nose and Crazy Eyes. Underneath the text: Heee's baack! With a whole new army!!!!]
[Big W]hen Wildcat was defeated for the first time, he got knocked out of the galaxy. Now he's back and it's Nooo joke. If the Alien Slayers don't stop him than the Earth will turn into a mudpie. Who will survive?
[Cracking open the book]
CONTENTS
Chpt. 1: THE CHALLENGE BEGINS..... 2
Chpt. 2: A GREAT LOSS......................6
Chpt. 3: A NEW MEMBER...................10
Chpt. 4: ALERT!...................................14
Chpt. 5: ALIEN FORCE........................18
Chpt. 6: BATTLE..................................22
Chpt. 7: FINAL ATTACK.......................26
CHAPTER 1
THE CHALLENGE BEGINS
[Big A]fter Wildcat was Defeated an even bigger threat occured. Wildcat returned with not only the 4 sorcerors but several other Alien armies. His first appearance was at the NASA space station.
"Hey Buzz, fire up the jets, the count down is in 4 minutes" said one of the workers
"Sure thing George this space test will be like an ALIEN ENCOUNTER, Ha, Ha, Ha
(4 minutes later) 5-4-3-2-1-0, blast-off! VOOM. The ship rose but the people fell. Buzz peeled off his face (mask) and trans-
formed the shuttle into an Alien attack pod
One year later in 2025 the war was on. Terror roamed the streets. Peril flew on clouds, and what's worse was that all the pizzerias were closed. Paper flew and sewers groaned and only 3 people could make a difference . . . . . . . . . . THE ALIEN SLAYERS!
Sly Red [signed by Paul Hubacheck, followed by a badass picture of Sly Red]
Black Shadow [signed by me, followed by a badass picture of Black Shadow]
Dark Blue [signed by Robert Paolini, except not really, because Robert couldn't write cursive at the time, so really signed by Michael Szudy, followed by a badass picture of Dark Blue]
CHAPTER 2
A GREAT LOSS
[Big B]ash! The Alien Slayers (Black Shadow - Callahan, Sly Red - Paul, Dark Blue - Robert P.) just baffled a hole in the escape pod owned by the Aliens. Suddenly Wildcat sprung down and sprayed the alien slayers with knock out gas. When the Alien slayers awoke they were in the same place but only Dark blue was captured
The 2 other alien slayers ran to the secret hideout that they found in their first battle with wildcat. Once they arrived it was not as they expected it. Normally the doors were open as if they were heading into a trap but Nooo sireee!
[Full-page spread of Sly Red and Black Shadow hesitating before the badass bridge to a Skull Fortress with rockets and wires and stuff coming out of it, with lightning and purple clouds in the background. Also worth noting is the sign beside the bridge that reads 'Caution: Unstable Bridge']
The hideout was completely locked up. There was absolutely no way in!
The
fortress was guarded by Aliens. The Aliens were madder than a 7-ton Rhinocerus but what really worried the 2 Alien slayers was one question only! Is Robert O.K.?
CHAPTER 3
A NEW MEMBER
[Big S]ly red tried to break in while Black shadow kept the Aliens busy. The plan worked but there were armies inside the fortress. Sly red was surrounded by Aliens and Black shadow got caught. The 2 alien slayers were thrown into the dungeon that Robert was in.
(3 hours later) "Does anyone have any food" asked Cal "Nope" said the 2 other Alien slayers. "We'll starve" said Robert. BASH! The gate flew open and a masked figure appeared. his name was Revenger.
[Picture of Revenger - a hero with a cool cape, badass shoulder-pads and a face-mask that looks rather like the Spetsnaz bat]
Revenger led the 3 Alien slayers outside to Restore themselves for a while. Sly red felt something. "Hey, guy's did you ever get the feeling that you were being watched" asked Sly red. "Yes" said the two other alien slayers. "But I don't think we are now." said Dark blue (but that's where they were wrong.)
[Another picture of Revenger, this time a full-page spread. He looks particularly cosmic in this one, with a supernova in the background]
CHAPTER 4
ALERT!
[Big V]raieshhackle!" yelled an Evil Alien that was approaching. "YIKES" yelled the 3 Alien slayers and they jumped out of the way but landed in a rapid river. They fell down the river and landed in a portal that led to the 7th Dimension called . . . . . . . . . . Devil's Inheriton.
They begun to explore, when a griffin attacked them. The griffin spoke "[cursive writing, which was a big deal in Gr. 3] Pass this course and you shall enter the fortress of forbidden doom" said the griffin. Sly Red leapt and got bashed by the griffin's tail. Sly red flew backwards and landed in a cave. He crawled through the cave only to find a silver Emerald. Sly red picked it up and crawled out of the cave.
When Sly red appeared, he knew that the Alien slayers needed help. The griffin blew fire but Sly red reflected it with the Emerald, so the griffin was destroyed. The 3 Alien slayers went to the fortress of forbidden doom but they were too weak to enter. What will they do.
CHAPTER 5
ALIEN FORCE
[Big A]ll of a Sudden 3 other mysterious figures Appeared. Flame - Dayne. Ice - Ronald. Oxygen - Elliott. The name of their team was the ALIEN FORCE. The Alien force was willing to help the Alien slayers in defeating Wildcat.
[Picture of Alien Force that only looks partly derivative; Ice is blue, Flame is on fire, Oxygen is also blue but his lips are curved like an O to suggest that he blows out oxygen. They all have helmets with shiny black sunglasses and fairly advanced armour that blends the ridged-console breastplates and wing-like pauldrons of the Japanese robot art-style with more swirling and circular geometry representative of the organic elements that Alien Force anthropomorphizes.]
The 7 heroes ran quickly through the fortress. Before leaving, they encountered a second challenge. The Exterminator Alein DeMon
[Picture of the Exterminator Alien DeMon, a hulking beast of circuitry and steel held aloft by a series of coned rocket boosters, sporting dual flamethrowers and an omnipotent and spiked robotic skull. In the top right corner, there is an attempt at professional, detached computer jargon, with the words: FILE - NAME: Exterminator SUBJECT: Robot FORMAT]
Sly red leapt and cracked a hole in the robots jaw.
[Picture of a flurry of foot, fist and cape severing a jaw from a robotic skull, the word CRASH! is also written]
Black shadow flipped and kicked the DeMon several times. Now the demons wires were broken! Finally Dark blue punched the Demon in the stomach and the Demon was destroyed. The seven heroes continued on their way.
CHAPTER 6
BATTLE
[Big T]he seven heroes escaped the fortress and crossed the bridge that led to Demon land. Suddenly, the Alien slayers 4 old Nemisis's appeared. The 4 sorcerers
[Picture of four long-haired people with capes and magic staffs]
"The sorcerers have advanced and Improved," Black shadow said. "Flame and Sly red team up. Oxygen and Black shadow team up, and I'll go Alone. Attack!" Revenger yelled.
Black shadow leaped at Puny - weirdo . . . . er . . . something like that. The leap that Black shadow made was as well as a backfire. The sorcerer flipped Black shadow on his knees and threw him on the ground. "Everyone, team up for every sorcerer" commanded Black shadow.
[Picture of Black Shadow fustigating a Sorceror]
BAAASH!! WHALLOP!! BOOM!!! the 7 heroes were a blur!!!!! Ice and Dark blue froze one of them, Revenger and black shadow scarred another and the rest of the heroes defeated the sorcerers with a great victory. The 7 heroes found an ancient temple and entered it but then they realized the saying looks can be deceiving was very good advice.
CHAPTER 7
FINAL ATTACK
[Big T]hey entered the temple and searched for Wildcat. That was a Biiiig mistake. The 7 heroes got flung into a dungeon with a high sensitivity to movement security lock and camera. Suddenly Black shadow had an Idea. "Hey mr. fix-it (Robert) Could you please unscrew those untightened shingles up there?" asked Black shadow "Certainly" Dark blue responded. BLAAASH! "Sorry, I had to use the direct approach" said Robert.
They all leaped out of the dungeon and found Wildcat. Wildcat was about to send his demons when Dark blue said "It's not going to work, CHEEZY!" the all knocked Wildcat down "cheezy as leftover mud that is" Robert said and Wild was knocked unconsious. When Wildcat awoke he was in a jail cell. President Haynes awarded the Alien slayers and the Alien force and even Revenger with a medal of gold. The city was safe again thanks to the Alien slayers and the rest of the seven heroes.
THE END
[A credit sequence actually follows, because I guess I figured I was onto something really cinematic when I was interspersing all those dramatic pictures]
Starring
Callahan Connor ~as~ Black shadow.
Paul Hubacheck ~as~ Sly red.
Robert Paolini ~as~ Dark blue.
Ronald Rouse ~as~ Ice.
Elliott Glynn ~as~ Oxygen
Dayne Miranda ~as~ Flame
Jose O. ~as~ Revenger.
Sorcerers ~as~ themselves.
THiS BOOK IS:
Dedicated to:
My friend Paul . H and Jose Oliveria (IV)
[Picture of generic smiling face]
[Reader Comments]
[unintelligable scribble, perhaps a signature] your novel is good Cal!!!
Jonnarthan
I like the book
Alissa, my favourite chapt. was 3 the new member. and the book was very Good.
Chris) I thought it was a very good.
[Thank you very much for reading, and your own Reader Comments are most appreciated]