There Loomed An Ogre - 14/?
“What?”
There was a moment of absolute silence before he got any response, and when it came it was in a voice strained, and quiet, and flat. More than that, even; the raw note he’d caught during their stand off earlier in the evening was back, ringing through every word with a rare clarity.
“I know. I know. But you asked, and you deserve an answer.”
“What?” It came out a little squeaky, which would have been a problem but for the fact that it finally drew the other man’s head up from the carpet. A pair of veiled eyes that were intending to show absolutely nothing, and not quite achieving it.
“I’m not claiming to have earned it. I know you’ve no reason to give it. But you wanted to know what I want. There’s your answer.”
He rather had the impression that he’d missed something. Either that or he’d run so hard he hit a parallel universe.
And it sat there between them, as he stared at Gibbs, and Gibbs stared at the carpet, and eventually it dawned on him that he was going to have to speak first.
“Ok. Ok. Can we just… just stop a second? And back up a bit? You lost me, boss.”
“Damn right I did. And look where it got you.”
He knew he’d already done it to death, but there really was only one answer to that.
“What?”
“I said-“
“No. I mean, I heard what you said. I just… I mean…” This was going nowhere. He put the brakes on, took a breath, and started again. “Look - I have less than no idea what you’re talking about.”
Gibbs looked up again, disbelief and a nameless pain written clear across his expression. “Three weeks ago, I sent you out to tail a suspect. Nearly got you killed. Did get you…” he waved a hand vaguely between them. “…here.”
And he’d thought things weren’t making any sense before? This conversation was putting a whole new perspective on the concept.
“That wasn’t your fault.”
“Well it sure as hell wasn’t yours.”
“Wasn’t it? If I hadn’t gone and gotten myself dr…drugged,” he stumbled over the word, and cursed internally. Try again. “If I hadn’t let her drug me - “
“Let her drug you? What, you saw her slip it in and drank it anyway? That’s crap. She took advantage of the situation I handed her, end of. Nothing you could have done about it.”
The words hit hard at a spot he’d spent three weeks trying with all his might to pretend wasn’t there, and he swallowed hard, and bit his lip to keep his focus. But he was tired, and worn, and too slow to hide it, and Gibbs expression changed from certainty to concern in a flash.
“Tony?”
He shook his head, and bit down harder, certain that if he opened his mouth something vital would get away that he’d never chase down again. After a couple of minutes, he felt grounded enough to speak again, although he could taste the slightest hint of blood.
“Where were we?”
For a moment, he thought his boss was going to call him on it, and then it passed.
“Beating around the bush.”
Well that sounded accurate enough. Not that there was much actual beating going on. Gibbs was back to staring at the floor, unmoving, and he couldn’t think of a single thing to say.
This silence was loaded, and threatening, and he wondered about the best way to dictate where this conversation would go. More to the point, where it wouldn’t. Because if he didn’t keep a firm eye on it, he had the distinct impression that things could get out of hand very quickly indeed.
“You don’t have to leave, DiNozzo. We can fix this.”
“Never had you down for the eternal optimist.”
“Facts, Tony. Just facts.”
Gibbs sounded almost as tired as he felt, and he felt a sudden, unexpectedly vicious stab of pleasure that he had finally managed to ruffle the other man’s composure, however slightly.
The feeling only lasted a few seconds, before being swallowed up by irritation. He’d had it with facts, and being reasonable, and trying to do this like an adult. He wanted to cry, and throw things, and shout about how unfair it was.
But that wasn’t proper behaviour, was it? A DiNozzo would never stoop so low. Not one worth the name, anyway.
And certainly not when he had an audience. After all, if you didn’t have your public image to hide behind, what did you have? What could possibly be worth more than that?
He stamped firmly on the irritation, and decided to give reason another shot.
“It’s not fixable.”
“I don’t believe that. Won’t believe that.”
“I don’t care what you believe. This…”
He faltered again, not really wanting to go another word further. Just spit it out, Tony. Make him see, once and for all. Find the words to make him understand. You hit him right, and he’ll back off for good.
“… This has been broken for a lot longer than I’ve known you. Whatever brilliant plan you think you’ve got, you can forget it. Decision’s made. Train’s left. Point of no return is way, way back there.”
“No plan. I just… I know we can get past this. Just let me help.”
He was kidding, right? Come on. He had to be kidding.
“Let you help? Where was your damn help when I needed it, huh?”
For a moment, he couldn’t believe he’d said it. He hadn’t actually intended to. But there it was. And it felt so damn good to finally hear it out loud, and see the look on Gibbs’ face, even if he wasn’t answering, and he decided that if the other man wanted to know so badly, well…
…well, why not tell him?
“Come on then! Let’s hear it! I was drugged, I was trapped, I was chased through the sewers by an insane killer, and I was damn near shot! Where were you when I needed to hear that it was ok to be afraid? Where were you when I needed to know I wasn’t alone? Where were you when the world was upside down, and I didn’t know who I was anymore, and I needed to know there was someone I could rely on? Where were you?”
He was right up in Gibbs’ face now, biting off the words one at a time, and that small, suicidal area of his brain was telling him there’d be no going back from this one. He neither listened to it, nor cared.
Gibbs looked stricken.
“Where were you, Special Agent Gibbs?”
“I…” the words died in the other man’s throat.
“Boss? Where were you?”
The grey head shook silently, and he’d more than had enough.
“I’ll tell you where you were, shall I? You were telling McGee that you were sorry I wasn’t dead.”